No Small Parts

by Ally Blue

  “He’s clearly a piece of shit,” Rafael had said. Nat’s shredded emotions tended to agree, even though he knew better, really. Jerome Horn hadn’t ever been an easy person to like, though Nat had loved him in spite of everything. No, he hadn’t been a perfect man. But who was? Not Nat. It hurt soul-deep that his family couldn’t even be bothered to show up to the funeral for his sake.

  “Nat?”

  Startled, he looked up from his less-than-comfortable perch in a metal folding chair. Solari stood there, lovely as ever in a simple black dress, her hair up in a twist and her eyes red-rimmed as if she’d been crying.

  Crying. For him.

  Profoundly moved—not only that Solari had shown up and cried for him, but that so many of the Wolf’s Landing cast and crew had come—Nat stood and hugged her tight. “Thank you for coming, Solari. That means a lot to me.”

  “Of course I came, dear. You’re my friend.” She drew back and took both his hands in hers, surprising him as always with her strong grip. “I’m so sorry, Nat. I lost my father when I was fourteen. I know how difficult it is. You have Rafael, and I’m so glad for that, but please know you can call me anytime you want to talk. All right?”

  The tears that had so far refused to fall stung the backs of Nat’s eyes. “Thank you.” There was so much more he wanted to say, but it wouldn’t come out. Instead, he pulled her close again. Kissed the top of her head, and hoped none of the media vultures were hanging around snapping pics. “Thank you.”

  She moved on with a watery smile to hug Rafael. Next came Anna, offering him more hugs and telling him she’d do everything she could to make the shooting schedule easy on him. Then Suz, red-eyed and sniffling, telling him she’d help him with fixing up his house, even selling it if that’s what he wanted, and that her brother was a real estate agent and he’d already said he’d do it for free. Also whispering in his ear that she was glad he’d hooked up with Rafael, and she expected details. That made him laugh for the first time in what felt like forever. He hugged her hard, kissed her cheek, and promised her they’d get together for coffee soon.

  After that came a parade of Wolf’s Landing cast and crew, including Levi Pritchard and Carter Samuels. Nat had done scenes with both men, but he couldn’t call either of them friends. Yet both had come to his father’s funeral, when his own sister hadn’t.

  In a way, it made him feel better. The support of his coworkers gave him a level of strength he’d never experienced before, and hadn’t expected.

  In another way? It made his family’s absence hurt even more. Which turned his anger from a controlled burn to a conflagration that threatened to destroy him from the inside out.

  “I don’t want to go back yet,” he said when Rafael tried to lead him to the car. Rafael’s car, because Nat hadn’t wanted a limo. He had to turn away from Rafael’s confused, worried face, and look at the hills instead. At the woods, where he could get away from all these people he liked and their well-meaning concern, and try to get a handle on the rage boiling over inside him before he exploded. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a pain. But I really need to be alone for a while.” He cast a quick glance over his shoulder. “Is that okay?”

  “Of course,” Rafael said, because he was more perfect than anyone had a right to be. He grasped Nat’s shoulders and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. “You have your phone, right? You’ll call if you need me?”

  “Yeah.” Nat turned, wound his arms around Rafael’s neck, and captured his mouth in a lingering kiss that hopefully said everything his words couldn’t. How in the hell had someone like him been lucky enough to snag a person as great as Rafael? “I’m going for a walk in the woods. Wait for me at Hobb’s Park. I’ll be there soon.”

  “Okay.” Rafael’s forehead furrowed, his gaze turning intense. He sucked his lower lip into his mouth for a second, then let it go, touched Nat’s cheek, and stepped back. “Be careful.”

  “Always.” Nat managed a smile for his man, then spun and strode for the shelter of the forest.

  Rafael knew that sneaking after Nat was wrong. That he would likely see it as a betrayal of his trust. But no matter how hard he tried to hide it—and he was clearly trying, with everything he had—Nat was barely holding himself together.

  He could yell and be mad all he wanted later. Right now, Rafael wasn’t about to let him wander around in the woods by himself. Not as long as he was walking an emotional knife-edge. If Nat ended up hurting himself, Rafael wouldn’t be able to live with it.

  Of course, deciding to follow Nat and actually doing it were two different things. Unlike Rafael, Nat was sure-footed on the narrow, winding trails he’d been hiking all his life, and his long stride ate up the distance so quickly Rafael barely kept him in sight. Within a few minutes, Rafael’s goal had switched from simply keeping an eye on Nat to preventing himself from getting hopelessly lost.

  He’d made up his mind to announce his presence before he lost track of Nat altogether, when Nat pushed through a particularly thick patch of undergrowth into a small clearing and stopped. Rafael drew closer as quietly as he could, keeping to the shadows. Instinct told him that Nat needed to be alone. However, since Rafael had no clue where he was and couldn’t leave without Nat, he waited and watched, feeling like an interloper.

  Because you are, idiot. God, he was stupid. When was he going to learn to mind his business and trust the people he loved instead of butting in?

  Too late now.

  Nervous and almost sick with regret, Rafael gnawed his thumbnail and watched. For several seconds, Nat stood there, as still as the trees, shoulders tense and fists clenched. Then, without warning, he threw his head back and screamed.

  Badly startled, Rafael clamped both hands over his mouth to keep from shouting. He stared, heart in his mouth, while Nat screamed again, and again, and again, as fast as he could draw breath. He snatched up a fallen stick as long as his arm, whirled around, and bashed it against the nearest tree until it dissolved in a shower of splinters. His eyes glittered with rage and pain.

  Rafael watched from behind an evergreen, his pulse pounding with an uncomfortable blend of pity, fear, and undeniable awe. This was what Nat had been holding inside since his father’s death. Probably much longer. Rafael ached for him. For all the things he’d felt he had to hide all this time. Was still hiding, in fact. He’d tried to get away from everyone, even the man who loved him, so he could feel safe letting everything out.

  And then you followed him like a total asshole. Good job.

  Shit. Rafael glanced behind him, wondering if he could find his way back after all. But, no, he knew he couldn’t. He’d get hopelessly lost, which wouldn’t help either of them. No, he was going to have to face the music.

  A horrible, feral growl from Nat tore a soft sound from Rafael’s throat. He covered his mouth again, but Nat didn’t seem to hear. He found another stick—more of a branch, really, at least three feet long and thicker than his arm—and started beating it to death against the ground, punctuating each blow with a shout. Dirt, grass, and pieces of wood flew each time he whacked the branch into the ground.

  Rafael had never seen Nat out of control like this. It was terrifying. For the first time ever, Rafael was scared to approach Nat. Scared of being physically hurt. Not on purpose—Nat would never do that—but by accident.

  When Nat pummeled his branch to splinters and started ripping briars out of the ground, still yelling—though his voice was starting to go—Rafael swallowed his fear and stepped to the edge of the clearing. “Nat? You okay?”

  Nat stilled so fast Rafael got chills. He’s not actually a real werewolf, right? He licked his lips and tried again. “Um. Nat? It’s me. Rafael.”

  Nat turned toward Rafael. His cheeks were red from exertion, his chest heaving. Sweat plastered his hair to his face. “What’re you doing here? I told you I’d meet you at Hobb’s Park.” His voice was hoarse from screaming.

  “I know, but . . .” Rafael cleared his throat. Made himself
move closer, in spite of the fury rolling off Nat in waves. “I was worried about you. I know I shouldn’t have followed you. I’m really sorry. I wanted to make sure you were all right, that’s all.”

  “I wanted to be alone. Now I’m not.” Nat gestured at Rafael with one hand. Bleeding scratches scored his palm. He didn’t seem to notice. “I don’t need you to babysit me.”

  Shame settled like a stone in Rafael’s gut. “I know you don’t. And I know—I know—I overstepped, okay? I’m an idiot. I know that. I needed to make sure you were all right for my own peace of mind, but it was a dumbass thing to do. And I would’ve left, but I didn’t know where I was and I knew I’d get lost if I tried to find my way back by myself, so. Yeah. I’m sorry.” He closed the distance between them, took Nat’s wrist, and inspected the cuts on his hand. “You’re hurt.”

  Nat yanked his hand back. “I’m fine.”

  “You’re obviously not. And I’m not just talking about the scratches.”

  “I wanted to come out here and let off some steam.”

  “I know.” Rafael bit his lip and decided to say what he’d only now realized was actually bothering him. “Whatever’s making you want to scream and hit things, you can tell me. You know? You can talk to me. I know you wanted to be alone. But you don’t have to be.”

  Nat barked a short, sharp laugh. He rubbed his hand on his cheek, leaving a smear of blood. “I killed my dad, Hollywood. Fix that shit.”

  Of all the things Rafael had expected to hear, that wasn’t one of them. Shaking his head, he framed Nat’s face in his hands. “No. No, you didn’t. What happened to your father was an accident, Nat. A terrible accident.”

  “But he called me.” Nat closed his fingers over Rafael’s wrists. He stared through Rafael, his pale eyes haunted. “If I’d answered the phone when he called, I could’ve saved him. I should’ve saved him.”

  So this was the agony tearing Nat apart from the inside. Rafael’s heart broke. He caressed the corners of Nat’s mouth with his thumbs. “It wouldn’t have made any difference. I’m sure it wouldn’t have. Please don’t blame yourself. Your dad wouldn’t have. He loved you.”

  Nat broke out of his grip so fast Rafael staggered backward. “You don’t know anything about it!” Nat shouted. “He fucking well would blame me, and he’d be right. He was an addict. It was my job to take care of him, and I failed.” Nat leaned close, his face contorted. “Do you get that? I. Fucking. Failed!”

  “Nat . . .” Rafael searched for something useful to say. Something to convince Nat that he wasn’t to blame. But how did you change someone’s mind when they’d made it up? “You can’t keep blaming yourself. There was nothing else you could’ve done. You—”

  “Shut up!”

  Nat’s echoing shout cut off Rafael’s rambling speech so fast he bit his tongue. He stood there, shaking inside, watching helplessly while Nat stumbled back into the clearing, his palms pressed to his temples as if his head hurt.

  “I couldn’t help him.” Nat breathed in, then let out a harsh sob. “I tried so hard, Rafael, I tried so fucking hard, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t save him. And he’s dead.” He took a step toward the trees. His knees buckled, and he collapsed in a heap on the ground. “Oh fuck, Rafael, my dad’s dead, and it’s my fault, but I keep on thinking about how I’m free of him now, and, fuck, I’m a terrible person.” He curled up, knees to his chest and hands locked around the back of his neck.

  When Nat’s face crumpled and the tears started falling, all Rafael’s fear and uncertainty dissolved like sugar in the rain. He hurried to Nat’s side, knelt beside him, and gathered him close. “I’m here, baby. I’m here.” He kissed the top of his head, clutched his shoulders tight. Made sure Nat felt the solid warmth of Rafael’s body beside him. “Whatever you need, okay? Whatever you need, I’m here. I love you. And you’re definitely not a terrible person.”

  A hard shudder ran through Nat’s body. He lifted a hand, grasped Rafael’s shirt, and clung. Deep, rough sobs shook Nat’s body, his sorrow as out of control as his rage had been only a few minutes earlier. Rafael held him and stroked his damp hair while he finally let go of the grief and guilt he’d been keeping inside.

  In Nat’s dream, he ran through the trees, dodging thick trunks and wiry, grabbing brambles. Shadowy figures dashed ahead of him, at the edge of sight. His sister. His father, trailing darkness like streamers of death. And something else, something big and hulking that he wanted to catch more than he wanted to breathe. But the harder he ran, the farther he fell behind. Briars clutched at his ankles, stopping him. Anchoring him to the ground.

  Wait, he called, silently, reaching for his family, for the looming bulk of his pie-in-the-sky dreams. The briars tightened, dragging him down into cold and darkness. Black earth filled his mouth and covered his eyes . . .

  He woke to dim, filtered light and the taste of dirt on his tongue. Blinking, he concentrated on cataloging his surroundings—plain white walls, soft surface beneath him, neat wooden dresser a few feet away—until the dream let go and he remembered where he was, and why.

  Raphael’s apartment. Raphael’s bed. The knowledge made him feel safe.

  Moving carefully so he wouldn’t wake Rafael, he pushed the sheet off and sat on the edge of the bed. Dull pain thumped through his skull for a second until his body adjusted to the position change. His whole head felt swollen, his eyes hot and his mouth cottony from breathing through it for the past who-knew-how-many hours, since his nose was stuffed up.

  Crying hangover. Ugh.

  The hurt punched him in the heart again. He fought the urge to double over with the force of it. How long was this going to happen? How long until he could remember his father was dead—finally; no, stop thinking that, what’s wrong with you?—without wanting to curl up in a corner and hide?

  At least he didn’t feel like screaming and breaking things anymore. He never wanted to feel that level of uncontrolled anger again. He’d scared himself yesterday. Worse, he knew he’d scared Rafael too.

  Rafael, who’d come after him in spite of his promise. Because he loved him. Which, yeah, had made Nat angry, especially at first. But at the same time, something cold and hard inside him had let go when Rafael had emerged from the trees and proved he wasn’t alone.

  Throat tight and aching, Nat rose and skirted the foot of the bed to stand peering down at Rafael. His round face looked even younger and sweeter in sleep. Like an innocent kid in need of protection. But Nat knew better. He’d experienced Rafael’s inner strength firsthand. Rafael could handle anything life threw at him, and come out on top.

  And he’s mine.

  Nat didn’t know how he’d gotten so lucky, but he was glad of it.

  Rafael stirred. Yawned. “Nat?” he mumbled, eyes still shut.

  “Here.” Nat sat on the edge of the mattress, leaned over, and kissed Rafael’s lips. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

  “You didn’t.” Rafael pressed a palm to Nat’s cheek. “Did you sleep okay?”

  “Yeah.” Better than he had in months, actually, in spite of the weird dream that had woken him.

  “Good.” Rafael raked his fingers through Nat’s hair, watching him with those deep brown eyes that saw everything. “Are you all right?”

  God, there were so many different answers to that question. Nat wasn’t sure which one was right. “I think so, yeah,” he said after a moment’s thought. “Better than yesterday, anyhow. Which is a step in the right direction.”

  Rafael smiled. “Definitely.” He pushed himself up to a sitting position and looped his arms around Nat’s neck. “I know you’ll need to deal with your dad’s stuff at some point. But we’ll do that when you’re ready, not before. And we can either stay here, or at your place, whichever you’d rather do. Okay?”

  An answering smile tugged at Nat’s lips. “‘We’?”

  “Yeah, we.” Determination hardened the soft curves of Rafael’s face. “We�
��re a team now, Wolfman. I’m not letting you go through any of this alone. And, okay, if you really want to live by yourself, I won’t force myself on you, ’cause that would be creepy. But I’d really like it if we could live together.”

  A light, happy warmth blossomed in Nat’s chest. “I’d like that too. And honestly, I don’t think my place is even livable right now, with the fire damage and all, even if I wanted to go back there. Which I kind of don’t.”

  “Then you’ll stay here with me. And when you’re ready to clean out your father’s things, we’ll go do it together.”

  Nat nodded, not trusting himself to answer. Rafael pulled him close for a kiss, and Nat melted into it. He’d never pictured himself falling for anyone, really, but especially not for such a genuinely nice person. And Rafael was nice. Kind, generous, and caring. He reminded Nat of his mother. How she’d always smiled and laughed, no matter what. How she’d always tried to play with him, even when she was sick. Even during the final days of the bone cancer that had etched what he now knew were permanent pain lines into her beautiful face, and finally killed her in spite of how hard she’d fought it.

  “My dad would’ve liked you.” Nat stroked Rafael’s cheek. “I wish I’d introduced you. I never even gave him a chance to know you and accept us being together. And now it’s too late.”

  “I would’ve loved getting to know him.” Rafael pressed tiny kisses to Nat’s nose, his chin, his cheek. “But you can’t see the future, Nat. No one can. Don’t blame yourself. Just believe that he would’ve wanted you to be happy. You loved him, and I can’t believe you’d love someone who was completely unworthy of it. Not even your father.”