The Goblin Queen and the Sigil of Altazan (The League of Sinister Means Book 2)

by H. K. MacTavish

  Holy fucking shit! She’s laughing! At me! She can’t do this to me! Me! I’m the fucking queen! Fucking nine hells! She made me land crotch first on this metal pipe! Me! Fuck, I can’t breathe. Tears are leaking from my eyes. The pain! I can’t…

  Fuck! I look up and see her running across the pipe to freedom. I reach my hand out. I can cast a spell. Hold her in place! No. No, I can’t. I can’t focus through the pain!

  Fuck!

  “Enjoy your comeuppance!” the peasant says with a laugh as she leaves my sight.

  My comeuppance? My comeuppance? No! Never! Fuck my comeuppance! Fuck this karma bullshit! Fuck! You can’t fucking do this to me! Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Goblin Queen! Fuck you, you bitchy little skank of a peasant! Fuck! This hurts! It hurts something awful!

  I am the Goblin Queen! I am mistress of this domain! Fuck! It hurts. I don’t know what will be worse, the lingering memory of the pain or the humiliation of it all. A peasant of all people struck my most private...no. No! I am not humiliated! I am not defeated. I will go after her. I just need to get up…

  Ahhh!

  The pain is scorching my mind! I can’t feel my legs. Did I wet myself? Please, holy fucking gods in heaven let me not have soiled myself.

  No. I didn’t piss myself. Ohhh…I can’t move. Fuck! She can’t do this to me! I’ll get her for this. I’ll throw her crotch first off this mountain! She thinks this is fucking funny? I’ll split her peaches up to her tits! Ohhh…shit fuck!

  I pound my fist on the pipe with every fuck I can give! Fuck this karma. Fuck this pain! Fuck this comeuppance! Fuck you Gerald! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! You can’t fucking do this to me! I don’t fucking deserve this you fucking bitch!

  Crack…

  Oh shit…the pipe is giving way! No, no, no, no…this can’t be happening to me. I’ll just reach back and use my magic…

  Crack….

  Okay! Okay, okay…I’ll crawl forward and…I don’t know what. I’ll at least be on solid ground.

  Crack…

  Oh….it hurts to move like this…but do I want to take another swim? No. Power through the pain Vivian! You’ll get your revenge on that peasant and her whole little village! I’ll make everyone spread their legs and let the goblins taking turns pounding their sensitive little bits! See them laugh at me then!

  Crack…

  Concentrate on the here and now, Vivian. Just…just reach forward and pull yourself forward…oh, this is making the pain worse I think. Fuck!

  Crack!

  No. No! This can’t be happening to me! No! Not me! I don’t deserve this!

  Crack!

  My heart flies up out of my chest, adrenaline soars through my body as I become weightless. The metal pipe is not quite under me anymore as I fall down towards the river. I can hear it roar louder as I get closer. There isn’t anything that I can do! Everything is moving so slow. The edge, so close a moment ago, is now miles away. My own inches turned to miles. I didn’t do anything to merit any of this! This can’t be happening to me!

  Splash!

  Water and Bones

  I am completely submerged! The river is faster than I had first thought. I try to swim but when I kick my feet my whole midsection just aches. I try and pull myself up to get some air…

  Ohmph!

  I collide with a rock wall. I’m still holding my breath but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I close my eyes and ignore the pain as much as I can. I swim up to the surface and look ahead of me.

  All is dark. The orb of light isn’t with me. I can’t see…

  Ohmph!

  Fuck! That hurt. I’m spinning in the water I think. When I break the top of the water I can hear roaring. It is getting louder.

  A waterfall? No. It can’t be a waterfall.

  It is. The roaring is getting louder. It has to be a waterfall. And I have no idea how far down the waterfall will plunge me! I need light.

  I close my eyes and concentrate. I open my eyes and I cast my orb of light spell and it appears, a bit dimmer than I would have liked but it is letting me see my immediate surroundings. One of my simplest spells now taking so much effort, all on account of the pain I’m feeling. I feel like a little girl again, taking her first magic lessons.

  What is around me? I can barely make anything out. All I can see is water and some rocks. I am moving too fast. I think the water is picking up in speed.

  There! I can see something up ahead. It looks like a ledge. I need to reach that. I don’t know where the waterfall is. The roaring is getting louder. It could be just ahead of me. I can’t take a chance that I’ll have another ledge like this before I take that final plunge. You can do this Vivian. Kick your feet up, reach up with your arms. Reach Vivian!

  My fingers slip!

  I’ve missed it! No!

  No…wait…I’ve got it! Do I? Yes! Yes, I have it!

  I try to pull myself up but between how soaked I am and the river rushing past me I am struggling. Come on…lift yourself up Vivian. What has me? My dress is stuck to me again? Come on…just give me a chance to move myself up. Come on dress! Why won’t you cooperate with me? I can’t even get my clothes to work with me! Why is everything bad happening to me today? Nothing is working! Maybe if I go back into the water, whatever the dress is stuck on will get unstuck.

  I lower myself a bit and then I reach up and…I’m still having issues! I can’t move my knee. The dress is tangled up around my leg. I am getting really annoyed! No. I am getting pissed! Just let me…get up…come on! What the fuck?

  You know what. Fuck it. Fuck this. Fuck all of it! I’ve had it. You want to stick to my legs, dress? Fuck you! I’m just going to power through this. Fuck this dress!

  Rip!

  Oh, you’ve got to be shitting me! Seriously? What the actual fucking nine hells…it better not be ripped! It better not be!

  I crawl onto the rocky ledge and while on all fours I reach back. Please don’t be a big rip. Please don’t be a big rip…

  My fingers find it. Son of a…it’s a big rip! Right over my ass! Are you serious? The fuck! Why the fuck is this happening to me?

  I struggle to get to my feet. The weight of my clothes and the pain are still preventing me from doing even that quickly. I hate this! The world is shitting on me for no damned reason! I kick a skull lying on the ground as hard as I can.

  My foot slips and I land hard on my ass.

  “Oww!”

  I landed right on a sharp stone! Why? Why is everything conspiring against me now?

  So not only does my crotch ache but now my ass is sore! Fuck! Fuck this shit! I pound my fists on the floor and kick my feet but that only makes the pain hurt more and that only pisses me off more!

  Why? Why is this shit happening to me? Fuck Gerald and his comeuppance. My comeuppance? My humiliation? Go screw yourself Gerald! And you can go screw yourself world! No one does this to me and gets away with it! No one! Do you hear me! This world will start cooperating with me! My prisoners won’t try to escape, my dress won’t rip and my fucking ass won’t get stuck on…anything!

  Fuck this shit! I hate it! I despise it all! You can’t do this to me! I am above shit like this! You hear me?

  This is supposed to be my day! This is my birthday! This isn’t supposed to happen to me at all! Especially today! And I can’t do anything about it! I can’t fix my dress! I can’t get back at that peasant for kneeing me in the crotch! I have this pit in my stomach and I hate it! I fucking hate it!

  I kick a bone and it flies against the far wall and shatters and the sound just echoes against the roar of the river and the waterfall. And nothing else.

  Where am I?

  I’m a breath away from defeat. That’s where I am. Both peasants are gone. Gerald is free. The heroes are getting closer. I have no goblins at my disposal. My precious lady parts are throbbing something awful and that pain is keeping me from casting a lot of spells. And my ass is sore too but I think that is fleeting. Oh, and at least I lost my books a
while ago so all I have is whatever I have committed to memory. And, let’s see, how else am I totally and absolutely screwed? I am in an abandoned city with no idea where I am or where I am going. At least I have no food. I can purify the water…which I should probably do because I am thirsty.

  I crawl over and my dress is still tangled and heavy and pissing me off!

  No Vivian. Take a breath. You already ripped the rear of your dress. You are only going to make matters worse. I ripped my dress and I hate that! I can’t be responsible for this! I refuse to take responsibility for this.

  I’m not responsible. Not for any of this! I wouldn’t be showing my underwear off if that peasant hadn’t escaped…and…and if those heroes hadn’t come knocking on my door I wouldn’t be here! This is all their fault!

  …I knew the dress was caught and I struggled through it. I didn’t care then but I sure as shit care now. Is that what I’m supposed to admit? That I have to accept whatever shit comes flying at me?

  No. I will not admit defeat! Did…did my sister and I accept defeat when our homes were burned down? No! Did I accept defeat when the heroes entered my domain? No! Why? Because I am Vivian, the Goblin Queen! I’m not going to just pout here until the heroes drag me off to a more public humiliation. Or execution. This is my domain because I control it. I carved this out for myself and I will hold onto it, so get some water and clear your fucking head! So the peasant hit you between your legs and laughed at you. So fucking what? Are you the first woman to get clam slammed? No. So take it like a woman and walk it off! So you got wet again. So your dress is in tatters and people can see your underwear. What people Vivian? You are alone. Not even the goblins will see it.

  I crawl over and reach my hands down and grab some water. I cast a spell and cleanse the water. I don’t want to think of what is in this water.

  I drink and repeat.

  I take another sip of water and I can feel the humiliation, the rage, drift away. It’s still there, simmering, like a fire from my heart to my sore crotch, but I can control it! I’m not going to let it control me! I am the Goblin Queen!

  I get to my feet and look around. Ohh…that aches. I straighten my back.

  Now that I’m on my feet I think I need a better light. I cast another orb of light that is brighter. There we go. See? All is getting back to how it was.

  I take a step and am reminded that no, things are not as they were. By the gods, this hurts. I limp over across the floor and see a pile of bones along the far wall. What happened here? There are bodies of about seven individuals, maybe more. They are all scattered and piled against the wall with bits of metal.

  Maybe those bits of metal are important. I dig through the bones looking to see if any of these poor unfortunate souls had anything of importance on them when they died.

  Some gold coins are the bits of metal I saw glinting. There are also a couple of rubies and opals and one sapphire, some old keys but one key is made of platinum. It doesn’t have any rust on it at all. This is what we call a special key.

  And it could open this poor bastard’s footlocker for all I know. Which could be anywhere in this city. Or, he could be an important figure and had a key to an official door. Which could also be anywhere in this city. I put it and the wealth into my pocket and…is that my scroll? It is still there in my belt? That’s wonderful! See Vivian? Everything isn’t shit!

  Oh…still hurts to move lots. My labia is shit right now, however. Ohh…the pain. Walk it off. Just walk it off.

  I look at the walls and see that I am still in the city. There is a door in front of me that is closed. I don’t have the physical strength to open it but I certainly have the magical strength.

  I concentrate and push the door open. Stone scrapes against stone. Dust flies up as this door hasn’t been opened in a long time.

  It isn’t opening fully. I push again with my magic.

  Something snaps and the door flies open. I wonder what…oh. That is a lot of bones. What the hell happened here?

  I step through the door and look around. Some old looking axes and swords lie among the skeletons along with heavy plate armor and some coins. I look on the other side of the door and see…scratches? These people died trying to get to the other side.

  I wonder if these are dead dwarves. But, I also have to ask, were they the defenders or the reason for the abandoned city? This could be a mystery I’ll never solve.

  And it isn’t important. Casting the Sigil of Altazan is important. Defeating the heroes is important. But I also have to think realistically now. Avoiding defeat is also important. Maybe I should cut my losses. I can’t cast the Sigil of Altazan without the peasants.

  Escape and hide until I can find a goblin patrol or make my way to the warrens. That should be my immediate plan. If I can get to the warrens I can easily take back my home. There is nothing that I have encountered here today that I would flee from with the full strength of my goblin army!

  But there are so many unknown quantifiers between me and my army. There could be secrets down here that could aid me. And whatever killed this whole city could also be down here and in my current state that could easily be my end as sure as a group of four heroes.

  I’m no warrior so all these really old dwarf weapons aren’t going to do me any good. And…pfff…by the gods..pff…I ran face first into a spider web! Just fantastic. Pff…pff…get out of my face! And hair! By the gods! There, it’s off my face. Ahh…it’s stuck to my fingers.

  I wipe it on my dress and I am once again reminded of all the spider webs around this place. I haven’t seen any spiders but I haven’t looked for them either.

  There is a spider, on a web in the far corner of the room. Nothing that I can’t handle. I cast a flame at the web and the spider and…I was sure that was a flame spell. Let me try again.

  Nope. Oh! I know what I did wrong. I made the gesture wrong. I’ve got this.

  Nope. Still nothing. Do I have any magical attack spells?

  Ice. I remember my ice spells. I summon a spear of ice and it flies through the web and the spider, shattering against the wall. And just like that, squish, no more spider.

  I turn the corner and I see more webs. Okay. I’ll just freeze them all away. I cast a spell and a long gout of tiny ice shards extends from my fingers. The webs all disintegrate as the ice just shreds them and the spiders into nothing. The spiders with their webs are all distant memories. All along the wall are little flecks of snow and ice, stuck there where my spell struck.

  I limp down the long room past some stone shelves or little half walls. I have no idea what they were once used for. Everything that isn’t stone and bone is just gone. Even a lot of the bones are small and brittle. I’m surprised that the bones lasted as long as they have.

  Stairs? That makes sense. I did fall down into the water so I am a level down. This must be the basement of one of the many buildings that I have walked past. I reach the stairs and look up. More webs.

  What are the spiders eating down here? It doesn’t matter. I cast a stream of tiny ice shards and the webs are all gone. I limp up the stairs, careful of any spiders and webs that I may have missed.

  I rest at the top of the stairs and see more bones stretched out all over the floor. They must have made a stand here. Well, if that access to the river was an escape then this makes sense. But with the waterfall so close, how would they escape?

  They must have had a way. Maybe there was some mechanism that has since rusted and floated away. It has been a long time. This is all also evidence that this was a dwarf city and they were defending themselves against something. Let’s see…oh, look at this Vivian! There are several puncture marks on this suit of armor and on that breastplate…and on that breastplate. All of the injuries look like puncture wounds. Which, unfortunately, is evidence of spiders. Giant spiders. I was really hoping that there weren’t any giant spiders.

  Could giant spiders really have overrun a dwarf city of this size? Maybe some wizard summoned them. Maybe ther
e is a species of underground spiders that attack in groups and are big enough to pierce through metal. Or the injuries are made with some sort of metal thrusting weapon. You just don’t know Vivian so stop trying to scare yourself with stories of giant spiders.

  Don’t deep elves use giant spiders? And deep elves hate dwarves. No. There is no evidence for any of that. There are many things that can puncture armor like that. Many things.

  I kick some bones out of my way and reach a door. It is wide open and out on the street beyond are more bones. And nothing else. Okay, I need to reach the warrens. That should be my goal. If Gerald is out there he will be making his way back to the heroes.

  Wait. I feel in my pocket and, yes, yes, this is his holy symbol, the focus he needs to cast through. Then, how is he able to see? Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha! He can’t! He is blind. Without magic he is lost in this city. Assuming he overpowered my four goblins which is certainly not only plausible, but also likely at this point with how my day has gone.

  No it isn’t. He is hiding in the dark somewhere. You’ve watched him fight. He couldn’t take on four goblins on a good day in armor. Hands bound in his underpants? He isn’t defeating anything except his dreams of escape.

  I step out, kicking some more dwarf bones out of my way, as I begin to make my way through this city and to my warrens! I’m not going to give up. No matter what has happened to me, no matter how I’m hurt, how uncomfortable I am, how humiliated I feel, if I don’t get up and keep fighting I’m certainly defeated. That peasant defied me. She stood there, laughed, called me a bitch after...wounding me. Am I going to be worse than a peasant and just give in like she was supposed to? Am I really going to be the bitch? Bullshit! I am Vivian the Goblin Queen. I will continue fighting!

  Shadows and Ruins

  I walk down the streets alone. Okay, so I’m limping down the street. Just thinking about it I can feel this impotent rage, this frustration growing in me! To be struck, to be humiliated, to be laughed at! Me! I bet she is telling everyone she struck the Goblin Queen in the cooch! And how that bitch howled! She’s calling me a bitch right now! Laughing! At me! Me!