by June Belfie
“When’s that going to be? I may never get over it.”
“Anna,” Beth said softly as she laid her hand on her sister’s. “You will in time. Time is the healer. That and going to Gott for strength.”
“Everyone says that. And I know it’s true, but I think I’m still a little angry.”
“I guess that’s normal.”
“I don’t know. I remember when the Yoders lost their little girl, they accepted it without questioning. They were sad, but they kept saying how Gott wanted her with Him and it was okay. Why can’t I be that way?”
Beth shook her head. “I can’t answer that, Schwester. You need to pray more and ask Gott to help you through this. It sure doesn’t make sense to stay mad at Him. It won’t bring Jeremiah back.”
Anna let out a long sigh. “We’d better not talk about it anymore. I hear Rachel coming down the stairs.”
“I need to get back home and make dinner. Mamm’s been lying down all day.”
“Sure you don’t want soup?”
“Nee. Not this time. I’ll stop by in a day or two to help you with the spring cleaning.”
“I don’t even feel like doing it this year.”
“It will be gut for you, Anna. Work helps.” She hugged her sister as Rachel entered the kitchen. Beth gave her niece a kiss on the cheek and then she made her way out to her buggy.
Rachel lifted the lid to the cookie jar and took out a chip cookie.
“Did you ask young lady?”
“Nee, but you always say jah.”
“Not this time. That’s because you didn’t ask first.”
Rachel puffed out her lower lip and pouted as tears formed in her soft moss-colored eyes.
It was not lost on her mother. “Oh, okay. Just this once.”
Her mouth turned up and she took a huge bite of the cookie.
Anna turned toward the bag with the asparagus and shook her head as she broke off the pulpy ends. “No one listens to me anymore,” she whispered to herself.
Rachel reached for a second cookie and ran out of the house to play with the new kindle of kittens in the barn.
Chapter Three
May was warmer than usual. Anna spent hours in her vegetable garden after her brother turned the soil for her. She hadn’t planted the early peas this year or much lettuce. It had been too much. But now she got pleasure out of planting her melon and squash seeds in the warm rich soil. All four children worked with her and aside from the inevitable arguments between Mark and Matthew, it went well. Rachel added her own row of sunflowers in the back of the garden and watered it faithfully every morning—even after a rain. The children loved watching the robins and wrens return to their nests with food for their newly hatched babies. Once Matthew mentioned the absence of his own father as he watched the family of birds.
Luke grew quieter as the weeks passed. He seemed preoccupied when Anna tried to engage him in conversation. He rarely smiled and became impatient with his brothers quickly, causing an uncomfortable atmosphere which seemed to grow worse with each passing day.
Instead of life becoming easier, it became more difficult to discipline her little ones and she found herself yelling at them more frequently, with little or no result. Her mother and sister were unable to cope with the outbursts of the children and Anna found herself falling into a deeper depression, though she tried to spend more time in prayer. Her efforts seemed useless. When she approached Luke about his lack of patience with his brothers, his jaw would firm up and he’d look away.
“Luke, don’t turn from me. I’m your mamm and you have to listen.”
“Why? All you do is yell at me. Do you think it’s fun for me to have to put up with Mark’s big mouth all the time? Why can’t you make him behave? It’s like you don’t want to be here anymore with us. Even Rachel doesn’t listen anymore.”
Anna was shocked beyond words. She merely shook her head, bewildered. Luke began to walk out of the kitchen. She called his name and he turned, his eyes sad.
“I’m sorry, Luke. Please forgive me. It isn’t true, though. I want so much for us to be a close family again.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she spoke. Luke walked over to her and hesitantly put his arms around her. “It’s just so hard, Sohn. I’m trying to be a gut mamm, but I seem to have forgotten how.”
“I’m sorry, too, Mamm. I know you’re trying. I miss him so much sometimes, I want to die.”
“Oh, dear Luke. Dear Sohn.”
She felt his face damp against her bosom.
“I don’t wanna cry. I’m big now. Daed wouldn’t want me to cry…” His tears kept flowing as she caressed him and held him tightly.
“It’s okay to cry. Daed would understand. Don’t try to stop them, Luke. You need to express what’s inside, or it will eat you up. The pain.”
“Jah, the pain is something fierce. I won’t die though, Mamm, because I know you need me.”
“Oh, jah, Luke. I need you so much. I couldn’t have gotten through this without you. You have been my hero, but you’re my little boy still, you know.”
He looked up with swollen eyes. “Sometimes, I wish I was Mark.”
“Jah? So you wouldn’t have to be so strong?”
“I guess. Mamm, I’m sorry I was so mean.”
“Oh, Liebschdi. How much I love you. Let me take over the care of the others. You just be who you are. A ten-year-old boy.”
“Maybe I can play ball sometimes with my friends.”
His sweet smile nearly broke her heart. Why had she not seen his needs?
“Jah, even today. It’s a beautiful Saturday and school will be over soon for the summer. Go find your friends, Luke. Take some cookies for a treat.”
Luke wiped his face with his shirt sleeve and smiled up at his mother. “My chest ain’t as tight as before. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack sometimes the way it felt. Just like daed.”
“It’s because you kept holding in all your feelings. It’s not gut to do that. From now on, if you have strong feelings, you come to me and we’ll talk about them. Promise?”
He nodded. “Now can I go?”
She laughed. “Jah, lecture over.” She surrounded him once more with her arms. “Have fun.”
She watched as he headed for the door. Her “big man” was still her little boy. Probably always would be. Gott, protect my sohn.
Monday, after all the children had left for school, Anna went upstairs to the bedroom she’d shared with her husband. His dresser sat untouched since his death. She hadn’t even dusted the top. Today she decided to pack up his clothes and give them to her brother-in-law who was the same size as Jeremiah had been.
Her hands shook as she caressed his Sunday shirt. She pictured him in it with his broad shoulders and thin waist. There had never been anyone else for her. She’d been attracted to him from the first. Even when they played together in school recess, she knew he was the man she’d marry. He admitted later, that he had felt the same way. There was no one else for him, either.
She held it up and allowed the shirt to open to its full length. It was nearly too much to bear, so she laid it on the bed and refolded it and then placed it in a fresh plastic trash bag, adding his work shirts and then his underwear. His socks were too worn to pass on. It would be too hard to use them as rags—constant reminders—so she laid them aside to discard.
He had only one jacket to dispose of. He’d been laid out in his best one. She folded it up after removing it from the small closet he’d built when they were first married. It was added to the plastic bag. There wasn’t much else. He’d lived simply as all Amish men did. She decided to save his three sets of suspenders, (galluses) aside for his boys. Someday when they were older and taller... Jah, that was a fine idea. He also had a watch. It had been his father’s. She’d hold on to that herself. It had meant so much to Jeremiah because of its history.
Then she took a dust rag and wiped the dresser down. It was a giant step. And though she’d come close to tears, she had been s
trong enough to make it through the process. She was gaining strength.
Since her talk with Luke, she found the children got along better. They had resented his “authority” and now treated him as their sibling again. The three boys spent a lot of time together and once school was over for the year, she made sure they had time off for fishing together and being with their friends. They would not miss out on their childhood.
Rachel shadowed her most of the days. She had cousins her age, but she preferred to be with Anna and they drew very close. Rachel loved helping with the cooking and could make snicker doodles by memory. Her brothers appreciated her talents and Anna rarely raised her voice anymore. Things were definitely improving, though the emptiness in her heart seemed the last to heal.
Beth came by one hot afternoon in June and Anna made lemonade. They sat under a large elm tree in the back yard and watched as Rachel practiced jumping rope on the grass.
“I’ve met a man,” Beth began.
Anna’s ears perked up. “Jah? Do I know him?”
“I doubt it. He’s English.”
“Oh.” Anna took a sip of her drink, avoiding her sister’s eyes.
“That’s it? Oh?”
“What should I say? Is it serious?”
“Nee. Not yet.”
“Must I pull every word out of your mouth? Tell me about him. What’s his name? Where did you meet? Has he kissed you?”
Beth burst out in laughter. “Goodness, you get right to the point, don’t you? His name is Randy Gordon, he’s my age, divorced, and we met at the Lititz market. He helps out a friend on market day at the coffee stand. He’s actually in banking, and he has not kissed me. In fact, we only talked once.”
“Well, you learned a lot in one meeting. Why do you think you may have a future with him? English and divorced? Is that really what you want?”
Beth sat back and stared ahead at the open fields. Finally, she answered. “It’s not what I really want, but I’m lonely for my own family.”
“But you never talked about wanting kinner.”
“It’s not that I want a dozen. I don’t even want six, but I don’t feel fulfilled.”
“What happened between you and Paul? I thought you were serious about him.”
“I was—in a way. He wasn’t ambitious enough. Or smart. He could barely talk about anything outside of farming.”
“That’s what he knew. His folks have one of the finest farms in the county. He was certainly pleasant when I talked to him.”
“Maybe I just need more.”
“And you think this Randy guy might be the one. You know what that would mean.”
“Leaving the Amish.”
“You’d be shunned.”
“I think that’s a stupid rule.”
“Beth, it’s not what you think; it’s an Amish rule. They’re not going to break it for you. It would kill Mamm and Daed.”
“I think they’d understand.”
“Well, I don’t. If I were you, I’d stay clear of the market till this infatuation fades away.”
“What if it’s more? What if Gott placed him in my path on purpose?”
Anna rolled her eyes. “Why does everyone make Gott the answer when they want to mess up on their own?”
Beth crossed her arms and glared. “I thought you’d understand now that you know what it’s like to be alone. Like not having a man to love you.”
Anna reached across the small table and touched her sister’s arm. “I understand, but there are plenty of Amish men out there who would love to have a wife like you.”
“Anna, you know that’s not true. I speak my mind too much. I know I can be…argumentative.”
“Well, I can’t deny that, but some men wouldn’t mind that.”
“Some English men. Not Amish men.”
“Jeremiah didn’t mind when I disagreed with him sometimes.”
“Jah? Did you ever get your way?”
“Sure. Jah, I’m sure I did. The truth is, we agreed on just about everything.”
“Boring.”
Anna’s brows went up. “Nee, not boring, Schwester! We had a wonderful-gut relationship. I’ll never find a man again who could come close.”
“You don’t need to. You have your kinner and all of us—your family.”
“Sometimes it isn’t enough. I can’t rid myself of the loneliness at times. The pain of not seeing him again. You have no idea. I guess you can’t miss what you’ve never had.”
“In a way I can. In a small way, I feel you’re luckier. At least you’ve known the love of a man. I never have. Maybe I’m just not lovable.” Beth turned her glass around, studying the amber liquid.
“Oh, Beth. Not true. Everyone loves you.”
“Well, I’m not really serious about Mr. Gordon. Just thought I’d liven up the conversation.” She forced a smile and commented on Rachel’s ability to jump rope.
After she left, Anna went to the sunny side of the barn and picked wild flowers for the table. Maybe she’d pay a visit to the coffee stand next time she went to market. Just maybe Beth was serious about her Mr. Gordon.
Chapter Four
A couple of weeks passed before Anna found herself free to go to town on a Saturday. Her mother, Rose, was over her cold and came frequently to lend a hand with the children. Rose Beachy was young herself. She had just celebrated her fifty-seventh birthday. Isiah, Anna’s father was a year older and worked his own farm with little help from others. His sinewy muscles made him appear younger than he was and his dry sense of humor made him a popular member of the community. He was also one of the ministers in their congregation and loved preaching the word in his native tongue. Anna always enjoyed the Sundays he preached, though he often went longer than others given the same opportunity.
“Now, you take your time coming home, Anna. Feel free to piffle about,” her mother said as she pecked her daughter’s cheek and pushed a loose strand of her daughter’s dark blonde hair under her kapp. “I plan to make dinner for you. I saw you had a fresh-killed chicken in the refrigerator.”
“Denki. It will be gut to have time to myself for a while. The boys need underwear so I’ll check out the stores for sales. I also need coffee. Do you need anything?”
“Maybe pick up some more coffee for Daed, if you’re stopping at the market, anyway. You know the kind he likes.”
“Jah. Jeremiah likes… I mean he liked the same one.”
Luke had harnessed Winnie to the buggy for his mother. Anna thanked him and took off slowly down the drive to the road. She passed several of her friends going the opposite direction and they exchanged greetings.
When she arrived in Lititz, she headed for her favorite shops, where she purchased two sets of underwear for each of the boys and fabric for a new dress for herself and one for Rachel. Maybe it would perk her up to have a new dress. Even though she kept it to navy, it would be fresh and feel good on her skin.
Then she made her way to the open market. She met several women she knew and had pleasant exchanges with them before finding herself in front of the coffee stand. It was easy to make out Randy Gordon. He was the only man dressed in English jeans and t-shirt. He certainly was a good looking man. When he smiled over at her, she noted a deep dimple in his chin and bright hazel-colored eyes. No matter how attractive, smart, and friendly, the man was not Amish. How could her sister even consider being interested in him?
“Hi. May I help you? Do you want to sample some of our new coffee?” he asked, reaching for a small Styrofoam cup.
“Uh, maybe.” She felt embarrassed for some reason.
He poured a small portion into the cup and handed it to her. “It’s Jamaican. We flavored it with some Kahlua.”
“Oh, I don’t drink,” she said emphatically.
His smile caught her off-guard. She nearly spilled the coffee as he handed it over.
“There isn’t enough alcohol to make a difference. It just gives it a nice flavor. Do you want a creamer?”
“Ne
e. This is fine.” She took a sip as he greeted another customer. It was good. He returned and she purchased a half pound of the new coffee and two pounds of the standard Brazilian coffee they usually drank. As she left with the parcel in hand, she looked back briefly. He was already talking to another woman. Jah, he seemed relaxed being with the Amish. Maybe he’d change for Beth. Mercy! What a silly thing to think! Beth and he were practically strangers. She shouldn’t worry about anything transpiring between him and her sister. Certainly he wouldn’t be interested in a plain girl with little education.
She hummed a hymn on her way home later, no longer concerned about Beth. There was no way they’d get together for more than a sampling of coffee.
Beth stood before her mirror and unwound her long tresses. She brushed out the snarls and pinched her cheeks to make them pink. She smiled at her reflection and turned her head slightly to view the length of her hair. Nearly to her waist. She wound it into a large bun and pinned it in the nape of her neck, leaving the top loose enough to be feminine.
At the back of her closet, she had stashed a pair of jeans and a colorful blue blouse which she had purchased at a church bazaar last time she was in Lititz. It was the same day she had met Randy.
In fact, she had arrived at his stand as they were packing up his friend’s truck bed. He actually unpacked a case of coffee in order to sell her the kind she wanted, and he was so pleasant about it. Then after his friend left, he caught up with her at the cheese stand and they struck up a conversation. They ended up sitting on a park bench and talking for over an hour.
Oh, he was definitely interested in her—as a woman—in spite of her old world appearance. And he was so interesting. They talked about banking, although that was boring, and world events, which she knew nothing about. It was like peering into a different world—an exciting world, changing rapidly, she was sure for the better.
When they parted, he shook her hand and held it an extra few seconds. It was like lightning for a moment. What a strange effect it had on her. And his smile! Then he had told her he’d be working the next couple of months with his friend, until the man’s wife delivered their twins. She’d been advised to stay off her feet as much as possible. Perhaps she’d never see him again. Maybe it would be for the best.
