by June Belfie
“I guess I’m a total failure then!” she said, her voice piercing the otherwise quiet kitchen.
“No one called you a failure,” he started.
“You don’t have to. I can’t cook! I’m lousy at cleaning and I make my stitches way too big when I quilt. I’m twenty-four years old and I’ve never had a man ask to marry me! Jah, I’m a failure!” She rose from the table and stomped her way up to the bedroom where she threw herself down on the bed. No tears though. At least she wasn’t some sappy, wimpy Amish girl who fell apart at every opportunity! So what if she never married! There were worse things than remaining single. She might even end up moving to Mexico. She heard there was an Amish settlement there—somewhere.
After about an hour, there was a light knock on her door. “Dochder,” her mother said quietly through the door, “Let me in. We need to talk.”
Beth rolled over and sat up on the edge of the bed. “Come in.”
Her mother’s lips were curled down and it appeared from her red eyes that she had been crying. “I’m afraid we hurt you. Your daed didn’t mean anything by his comments. Men don’t always think before speaking.”
“It’s true though, isn’t it? I’m a total failure in everyone’s eyes. I shouldn’t have taken my vows. I’d be better off living in the English world where I’d have more options.”
Rose crossed her arms over her chest and dropped her mouth open. “Mercy, don’t even say that. Shunning is the worst thing that can happen to one of us.”
“Don’t worry, I don’t have the courage to leave. Besides, I like being Amish—most of the time.”
“And when you don’t?”
“Like tonight?”
“Jah, I guess.”
“It’s frustrating, Mamm. Amish women are expected to all think alike. Be gut, love keeping house, get married, have lots of boppli—”
“Is there anything wrong with that? The world would be a better place if more people thought that way.”
“Maybe so. I’m not going to argue with hundreds of years of tradition, but it may not be for everyone. I might even have liked going to college and having a career.”
“You never said.”
“Would it have mattered?”
Her mother looked down at her lap and fussed with her apron hem. “Probably not.”
“See? In order to be accepted and liked, I just went along with the flow. The traditions. It was drummed into me from the time I was born that I was not important as an individual. It was the community that counted.”
“But it’s true. We must put others ahead of ourselves. That’s as Gott would want it. Read your Bible, Beth. It’s all there.”
Beth nodded as she looked down at her quilt. She ran her forefinger over her favorite blue patch. “I was happier when I believed all that.”
“What’s happened to make you think this way? Have you met someone from the English world?”
Beth looked up quickly. Had her mother heard something? Had someone seen her in English clothing? “What made you say that?”
“I don’t know…maybe because you used to seem content. And now…”
“I do have a friend in Lititz.”
“Oh? What’s her name?”
Had she gone too far already? “Uh, it doesn’t matter about the name, but I so enjoy talking about things that really matter, and feeling free.”
“You can talk about anything with your family, Beth. We’re always here for you. You know that.”
“It’s not the same. Mamm, let’s not talk about it anymore. I’ll try to be a better person. I don’t want to upset you or Daed. You’re so gut to me.” She placed her hand on her mother’s arm and gently squeezed it. “You know I love you both.”
“Oh, liebschdi. Jah, we know. We lieb you as well. We always will, but please don’t consider leaving. It would break our hearts. Maybe Josiah will mean more to you as you spend time with him. Try to be nice to him tomorrow when he comes. I believe the man is looking for a wife and you might be the one. There are worse things than marrying for stability.”
“It has to be love, Mamm. Convenience isn’t enough.”
“That’s what your schwester says, too, but Annie has little choice. She has to be sensible and think of the kinner as well as her own feelings.”
“It’s different with Anna. She needs a man. I don’t. I can manage on my own, if need be.”
“And kinner? Don’t you want a family someday?”
Beth exhaled, taking her time to answer. “I think so. After seeing Anna’s boys acting up, I’m wondering how I’d manage a passel of kinner.”
“They need a daed. That’s their problem. Anna doesn’t have the will or the strength to manage them. Poor girl.”
“I’m glad she’s getting away soon. She needs a break.”
“I hope you can help out with her kinner while she’s gone. I have to admit, I’m not looking forward to taking care of them. Not the way they behave.”
“Daed will see to it that they obey. He can use his firm voice when he has to. I remember when I was young, I knew when to stop acting up the minute I heard the way he spoke my name. ‘Elizabeth’ he’d say in that tone. Goodness, I never did find out what he’d do if I didn’t straighten out.”
Rose laughed. “Probably not much. Your daed is a pussy cat. He’s so tender, he makes me kill the chickens.”
Beth laughed. “I know, but he slaughters the other animals.”
“With help. Lots of help. Don’t tell him I told you, but he almost left the Amish as a boy when he saw his pet lamb butchered for Easter.”
“Aw. Poor daed.” She patted her mother’s hand. “It will be our secret. I’ll be down to help clean up the kitchen in a minute. Sorry for my toddler tantrum.”
When they rose, they embraced for several moments.
Beth spoke softly. “I’ll always be Amish. I may never marry, but I promise I’ll never leave.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Abe sat in the sitting room with his brother-in-law, William. Four of Williams’s younger brothers relaxed on straight chairs while the women in the family helped Naomi in the kitchen prepare for their festive Thanksgiving dinner.
It would be Abe’s first major holiday without his wife, Mary, and his three children, Harvey, Robert and Ruth. It was difficult to concentrate on the conversation. The voice of his wife’s high-pitched laughter seemed louder in his mind than it would have been in real life.
His family had wanted him to come to their place for Thanksgiving, but he felt there would be too many reminders of past holidays and chose to join Naomi and her extended family this year.
He glanced over at his sons, John and Benny as they sat on the floor playing checkers. They’d been quieter than usual all morning. Once he caught eight-year-old Benny wipe his eyes, but not a sound came from him.
After allowing a hug from her father, Alice had retreated to the kitchen area where she played with two of her cousins. Abe feared she might never rejoin him and his sons. She’d become so close to his sister, that she called her Mamm. Each time he heard it, he cringed. It seemed so final. His Mary would never return. It was at times like this when he went to God and asked for the strength to forgive the driver who struck their buggy that fateful night. He forgave often, as he knew he must. God would forgive him as he forgave others. This he knew from childhood. Why was it so difficult sometimes? It was truly an accident. Once again, he’d ask for the power to forgive, and once again it would be given him. And then…
“Abe, did you hear Malachi ask you about your plans for Christmas? Will you join your family for the holiday or stay home?”
“I haven’t given it much thought, though it would probably be gut for the kinner if I took them over to see the family. If it were up to me, I’d skip Christmas celebration altogether.”
“Jah, we understand,” William said with a nod. “Not an easy time for you. You’re certainly welcome to have dinner with us, if you don’t want to travel. I know your family is
an hour away by buggy.”
“Let me think on it and let you know when it’s closer to the time. A lot may depend on the weather.”
“Daed,” Benny called over. “I beat my bruder in checkers!”
“Jah? So you’re gonna have to take me on next, Benny. Then we’ll see how gut you play.”
Benny grinned over at his father and set up the board for another game with his brother. John had his elbows resting on the table with his head down. He didn’t look happy at being the loser.
Abe’s smile vanished. “Mary and I loved playing checkers. She nearly always won.”
William smiled over. “Did you let her?”
“Nee. She was gut! Real gut.”
William’s elderly grandmother appeared from around the corner. “Time to eat, everyone. Quick now, before the sweet potatoes get cold. I made them myself.”
“Gut for you, Grossmammi,” William said, winking at the other men. Under his breath, he added to the others, “She uses more brown sugar than potatoes. Watch out.”
There were tables set up the length of the huge kitchen with chairs for over thirty people. After everyone sat down, they realized it had been set for one too many. For a moment, there was silence and an uncomfortable expression on each of the adults’ faces. Had someone forgotten Mary was no longer with them?
William quickly removed the vacant chair. “Guess someone set it up for Elijah,” he said with an awkward laugh. Others joined in and soon the conversation turned to the food. Large platters of sliced turkey made the rounds, as well as potatoes, bread filling and gravy. Bowls of applesauce and cranberry sauce were placed at each end. Creamed celery was a nice addition to the meal as well.
Then heads were bowed and silence reigned as people gave blessings to their Lord. William coughed and shuffled his feet to signal the end of the prayer and people began to eat. It was a wonderful-gut meal, but Abe found it difficult to swallow. His boys seemed more relaxed, and though they remained silent, as did most of the children, they smiled frequently as they listened to the adults tell stories from their own youth. William’s grandmother had many a tale about her life and loved sharing. William’s parents smiled as she told about her childhood for the umpteenth time.
Finally, it was time to leave for home. Abe tried once again to encourage little Alice to come back home with him, but her tears welled up as she ran over to Naomi for protection.
“Not now, bruder. It’s been such a nice day. Let’s not spoil it with tears.”
Abe nodded as he swallowed hard. Would it ever become easier? That night he spent a long time in prayer. As he prepared to close, he added a desire to have a woman come into his life for the sake of his children. “Lord, I don’t ask for myself. You know that. No one can take Mary’s place, but my little ones, Lord. They could use a gut mudder. A kind woman. A Godly woman. Bitte—please bring one into our lives, if it be your will. Denki. Amen.”
He slept better that night than he had in weeks. Perhaps God would answer this humble man’s prayer.
Back in Lancaster County, Josiah arrived around one in the afternoon on Thanksgiving. He had a bushel of fall apples, which he placed in the pantry on his way into the kitchen.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Beth said as she took his jacket from him and held it over her arm.
“Nonsense, it wouldn’t be right not to bring something. It smells real gut in here.”
“Jah, all the foods are cooking away. Why don’t you go in the barn with the other men? Daed’s showing off his new corn crib. He just built it.”
“Do you ladies need help with anything first?”
“Nee. Everything’s under control.” She stretched her arm with the jacket and he took it back from her.
“Guess I can take a hint. I’m a pretty gut potato masher, if you need one.”
She laughed. “Even I can do that. We’ll call you when everything’s ready.”
He seemed reluctant to leave, but finally slipped his jacket on and stepped into the fresh layer of snow which had fallen during the night.
Beth watched as he walked toward the barn. He was certainly a nice man. Many an Amish girl would be delighted to have his attention. He had a strong mind, too. Something important to her mental list of requirements. So why didn’t she look upon him as a potential suitor? Maybe there was something blinding her. Perhaps it was a certain English man who stirred her heart, preventing her from letting go of her feelings. She realized she still allowed herself too much time to think about Randy. Often before falling asleep, she’d visualize what life would be like living as his wife. And the kiss.
She turned and went over to Anna’s side. She was stirring the gravy with a slotted spoon over the burner. “Want me to do that so you can dish out the vegetables?” Beth asked her sister.
“That would help. I heard the boys arguing a minute ago. I should go outside first and see what’s going on first.”
“Zach will handle them, Anna. Relax.”
“How can I? They’re always causing problems. I’m actually considering old Mr. Duncan to marry, if he’ll have me!” she said, grimacing.
“Don’t be ridiculous! He’s probably close to fifty.”
“But he’s big and strong and has a voice like thunder. They’d listen to him, that’s for sure and for certain.”
“Anna, he’d be your husband! You know what that means.”
“I’d have to deal with it, that’s all. I’m getting desperate!” Tears ran down the poor girl’s face and the other women in the room became silent as the sisters’ voices rose. Rose quickly made her way over to her daughters.
“Now, now. This is no time to fall apart. It’s a special day. Please pull yourself together, Anna, for the sake of your children.”
“Jah, and everyone else,” Beth added. “You can cry later and for Pete’s sake, don’t even consider Harvey Duncan. I think he’s a drinker, on top of being old.”
“I wasn’t really serious—I guess. Okay, forgive me everyone,” Anna said as she reached for a tissue and blew her nose. “Maybe the buwe will behave for once.”
“At least you have Rachel,” her mother said. “That little one is an angel.”
“Jah, Gott blessed me with my dochder,” Anna said, nodding her tear-stained face.
Soon it was forgotten. The boys behaved themselves, and everyone remarked about the delicious food and the joy of being together.
But Jeremiah was not present and Anna’s heart grieved for the man she once loved.
Josiah and Beth took a stroll by themselves before he left. It was nippy, but it felt good to walk after all the food they’d devoured. “It was delicious. Everything,” he remarked as they made their way over to the area where the horses were sheltered. Beth adjusted a woolen horse blanket over Winnie and secured it.
“You take gut care of your horse,” he noted.
“I love Winnie. We got her when I was fifteen. I used to ride her bareback when no one was around to notice.”
He laughed and shook his head. “I bet you flew!”
She nodded and grinned back. “Oh, jah, we did. Winnie loved to gallop. Now she prefers trotting. Getting old, I guess.” She patted the horse’s head and Winnie rubbed her long nose against her arm.
“You and I work pretty gut together, don’t you think?” he asked unexpectedly.
“I guess so. It’s my first job working with a man, so I have nothing to compare it with.”
“You’re sharp like a man,” he said as he leaned against the rail.
“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” she asked, her eyes flaring.
“It’s supposed to be, but I guess I didn’t think my words through,” he said, his cheeks tinged red.
“Nee, you didn’t. I’m a woman, and glad to be one.”
“Well, there’s no argument there. I’m mighty glad you are, too.” He moved close to her and stroked her cheek gently with his fingers. “Jah, real glad.”
She knew where this was headed. His eyes
were nearly closed and she could feel his breath against her face. Goodness, two kisses in one month? Not going to happen. She stepped back and clucked noisily at the horse. Josiah jolted backward, his eyes round as saucers.
“I’m sorry, Beth. I was…I guess…”
“It’s okay. Men get carried away sometimes.”
That was definitely the wrong thing to say. She saw the muscle in his jaw jut out as his lips thinned. Now what could she say for damage control?
“It’s normal, though, Josiah. I understand men are attracted to women and they like to be close and sometimes it leads to—”
“Shh. You’ve said enough,” he said sharply. “I’m not just any guy. It’s not like I go around trying to kiss every woman I see. In fact, it’s been years since I even felt the desire to be close to a woman.”
Oops. She’d done it again.
“I guess I misread you, Beth. I didn’t think you’d object to a simple kiss.”
“There’s nothing simple about a kiss, Josiah. It should mean something special.” Oh, what a hypocrite!
“You’re right,” he said, looking down at the ground. “And I thought it would, since it meant something very special to me.”
“Really?” She hadn’t even considered his thoughts on the subject. “Maybe another time it would work out,” she added.
“Another time? I’m afraid not. I was jilted once and it was very painful. I don’t need that kind of rejection again. Not from you—not from any woman. We will remain impersonal associates. Nothing more. Don’t worry about it.”
“I…I guess I wasn’t really worried.”
“Let’s go back. It’s getting dark.” He took her elbow and steered her toward the path. When they got to it, he dropped his arm and allowed her to go first.
Boy, she certainly knew how to handle relationships. She could teach a course. “Muddling Romance - 101.”
Shortly after they got back to the house, Josiah made his exit. He nodded over at Beth before leaving and mentioned that he’d like her to arrive earlier the next day. “Please be in by eight. We have a lot to do,” he said as he stepped over the threshold.
