Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  I got no reply from Nicole. She prepared to unlock her car door, and I didn’t want to give up, so I tried to play on her feelings by adding, “See, we shouldn’t have even gone to sleep last night if we were angry with each other. But honey, I don’t want us to go to work still upset. I mean what if something happens to you today and I never see you again? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing you didn’t forgive me. Or what if something happens to me?”

  Nicole finally looked in my direction, but she still didn’t say a word. She started up her car and drove off to the train station. I was left standing there like a lamenting fool.

  One thing that I wasn’t going to do was let this whole argument thing keep my mind bogged down with worry all day long. I’m the master at mind games and mental abuse, so I knew exactly what game Nicole was trying to play.

  The remainder of my day flowed on as usual. I thought about Toni and wondered how things would go when I saw her later on in the day. I had a gut feeling that Toni would want to discuss things like how wrong she feels for wanting to be with me. I also knew that I would kick some garbage as to how I really care for her and how I will do whatever I have to in order to prove it to her. Yeah, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to know what we would talk about. I just hoped that I would be able to get over with my game.

  As my work day whisked by, I decided to go back to the McDonald’s where I had met the young girl Carmen to see if she was working. On my lunch break, although I wasn’t hungry, I headed straight for a Big Mac. When I reached McDonald’s I decided not to go to the drive-thru because I wanted to go inside and get a better visual of Carmen. After I ordered my Big Mac and Sprite, I asked the cashier if Carmen was around. To my disappointment I was told that she wasn’t scheduled to come in until 5:00 P.M. I simply advised the cashier to tell Carmen that Lance had stopped by to see her.

  As I walked out of the restaurant and got back into my truck, I convinced myself that I would in fact give Carmen a call sometime in the near future. While eating my food, I was thinking of how much easier it would be to deal with a much younger and innocent chick like Carmen. It would be a piece of cake.

  The Big Mac filled me up. I wanted to relax for about five more minutes so the food could digest, but I remembered that I also wanted to send Nicole some flowers. Actually, I didn’t want to spend the money on flowers, but I was like hey, I haven’t surprised my wife like that in a while and plus, it would be a good way to get back in good with her. My break was ending soon, so I quickly called 1-800-FLOWERS and placed my order.

  I knew that I had to have the card read something spiritual. A scriptural passage would definitely brighten my wife’s mood, and it would let her think that maybe I was trying to be more focused on God. I knew which passage I wanted to accompany the flowers, but I wasn’t exactly a walking Bible so I didn’t have the passage memorized. I told the operator from 1-800-FLOWERS that I would have to call her right back.

  I had left my cell phone at home, so I hustled from the pay phone that I was using and went back to my work truck. I knew that somewhere in my truck, amid all of the filthy pornographic books, that I had a pocket Bible laying around. I found it and turned to the “love chapter” of 1 Corinthians, chapter 13 which reads:

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

  After reading that passage I hurried and closed the Bible, and I ran back to the pay phone and put in my order. When I was done placing the order, in my head I was like “Yeah.” See I knew that after my wife read the card, along with the smell of fresh roses, that I would be in like Flynn. That scripture said exactly what I wanted to say, but only much better than I could have ever said it. What I really needed to do was memorize more verses and have them ready and at my disposal for times when I want to kick some serious game to my wife. Man, if I ever started spitting out Bible verses, Nicole would be all over me.

  It couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes from the time I was done ordering the flowers for my wife when my pager went off. I recognized the number right away. It belonged to International Hair Designs. Without delay I became ecstatic. Unfortunately I was in the middle of a job. I was in the process of conducting a gas leak investigation, but I felt the urge to neglect my duties and find the nearest pay phone. Fortunately, I was sane enough as to not risk a gas explosion just to satisfy my insatiable urges.

  The gas leak investigation was taking much longer than usual. After twenty more minutes passed, my pager went off again. Once more, International Hair Designs’ phone number was in my pager but this time it also had 911. I became intensely impatient. I rushed through the paperwork that went along with the gas leak investigation, and I made a somewhat confident conclusion that the gas leak was confined and not an imminent and dangerous threat. As quickly as I could, I made my way to a pay phone and called Toni.

  After the owner of the shop picked up and relayed the phone to Toni, I heard Toni say, “Well it’s about time.”

  I replied, “Yo, I’m sorry. I was in the middle of a job when you paged me, and I couldn’t get to a phone right away.”

  Toni informed, “Yeah, I called your cell phone but no one picked up.”

  “Oh nah, I left the house this morning, and I forgot to bring it with me,” I explained.

  Toni, in her sweet, soft-sounding voice, replied, “That’s alright, as long as you’re okay. Listen, so am I still gonna see you today?”

  “Of course,” I answered. Knowing that I had to be home this evening in order to put in brownie points with Nicole, I added, “Toni, it would really help if I could see you when I get off work, say around five.”

  Toni responded, “Yeah, five o’clock is cool. I’ll just leave the shop early. Plus, it’s slow today, so that’ll give me another excuse to leave.”

  After a brief pause I was like, “A’ight, so I’ll see you at five, at your crib, right?”

  Toni replied, “Yeah. You still gonna see if you can fix the AC for me, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s not a problem.”

  Toni tried ending the call, but I reminded her that she had never told me where she lives.

  She began laughing, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize that.”

  I have to admit that I felt like I’d been to Toni’s house before. I know she forgot to give me her address because she, too, was probably feeling mad comfortable with me as if she’d known me for years. After letting Toni know that I had a pen, she gave me her address, 99-01 Chevy Chase Road.

  “You live in Jamaica Estates?” I asked, sounding kind of surprised.

  Toni answered, “Yeah.” Then she started giving me directions on how to get there.

  Being that I work for Con Edison, I was forced to know just about every street in Brooklyn, as well as every street in Queens. I interrupted Toni, “You don’t have to give me directions. I know how to get there.”

  “Oh, okay, so I’ll see you there. Just ring the bottom bell,” Toni instructed.

  When work ended I sped to the daycare center and retrieved LL. After picking him up, I dropped him at Tiffany’s house and asked her if she could watch him for about an hour or so. I explained that I had to run by someone’s house to fix their air conditioning. As usual, my sister had no problem with watching him.

  I would have preferred to have gone home, taken a shower, and changed before I went by Toni’s, but being married didn’t afford me that luxury. Like me, my sister also lives in Cambria Heights, so I was only about ten minutes away from Jamaica Estates. I was actually surprised to be going to there. That would have been one of the last neighborhoods that I would have guessed that Toni lived in. See, Jamaica Estates is a very high-class wealthy neighborhood. Not only that, but it’s a predominantly white and Jewish area
. Many dignitaries like politicians, lawyers, and CEOs live in the Estates. The most famous resident is probably Fred Trump, Donald Trump’s father.

  As I weaved my way through the curved, tree-lined streets, I marveled at the mansions and the manicured lawns. It was nearing five o’clock, so I was right on time. I made my way onto Chevy Chase Road, and I looked for Toni’s address. I came upon a very immaculate-looking white brick house with huge pillars that reminded me of the white house in Washington, D.C. The lawn had statues and water fountains and the whole look just looked like new money. Being that the day was bright and sunny, it only added to the beauty of the house. I was sure that this was the right crib because I saw Toni’s convertible parked in the circular driveway.

  Since I had on my blue-collar attire, I felt a bit insecure. But I wasn’t sweating it ’cause I knew that I had dough. Maybe not enough to live in Jamaica Estates, but my bank account held mad weight. I parked my car along the curb, got out, and after carefully surveying the grounds, I made my way to the front door. As I got closer, I was feeling nervous. I felt as though I was going to pick up my prom date or something. When I reached the door I gathered myself, took a deep breath, exhaled, and rang the bottom bell.

  After waiting for a minute or so, Toni, who had come from the rear of the house, snuck up behind me and jumped up and grabbed be in a headlock. Being that she caught me off guard, I lost my balance and fell on my butt, yet Toni still had me in the headlock.

  Toni began asking, “Yeah, what’s up now? What’s up, punk?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh as I tried to pull her arms from around my neck. The scene was cute because Toni was squeezing with all her strength, and she really thought she was doing something.

  “Yeah, you’re too weak to break loose, right?” Toni asked, trying to sound as if she was in a schoolyard scuffle.

  Still laughing but sounding as if I was being strangled, I said, “You got it. You got it.”

  Toni squeezed tighter as she demanded to know, “You give? Hah? You give?”

  I was still laughing as I managed to say, “Yeah, I give. I give. . . .”

  Then Toni loosened her grip and pushed me in my head. I lay on the ground looking up at the sun while laughing. Toni, too, was laughing.

  “Toni, you crazy,” I exclaimed as I picked myself up from off the ground.

  When I got up, I became instantly aroused. I noticed that Toni had on some tight Daisy Duke shorts, slippers, a tank top, and she also had her jet-black sumptuous hair pulled back. I made sure not to make any lewd comments about Toni’s shorts. Toni stared at me and smiled. She was breathing a little hard as she asked, “So what’s up, Mista Lance?”

  I licked my lips like LL Cool J, smiled, and while squinting from the bright sunlight, I said, “Nothing. Same ol’ same ol’. But yo, I am digging this crib.”

  Toni asked a stupid question, but I guess it was rhetorical, “Oh, so you like it?”

  “No doubt,” I replied.

  Toni took me on a tour of the house. She started by showing me around the outside, which had all of the extras, like a tennis court and in-ground swimming pool. We talked as we walked, and Toni explained that her father was a surgeon and that her mother was a very successful real estate broker.

  As we made our way inside, I viewed the plush marble floors and the very expensive furniture. Seeing how Toni was living on a whole other level material wise, I felt like I had played myself by trying to impress her when I’d showed her around my house. Compared to Toni’s crib, my house, as nice as it is, was like comparing a Hyundai to a Mercedes.

  One thing I quickly noticed was that Toni was not joking when she said it was hot in her house. I was only in there for about two minutes, and I was already beginning to sweat. I cut Toni off as she was explaining to me who was in the pictures that were on her mantel in the living room.

  “Toni, you wasn’t lying. It is beaming up in this piece.”

  Toni replied, “You see how I’m dressed, right? I told you it was hot up in here.”

  I wanted to let her know that she didn’t have to keep her clothes on just because I was there. But again, I didn’t want to mess things up with a coarse joke.

  “Toni, where’s the thermostat?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Come on now. You mean don’t know what a thermostat is?”

  Toni, seeming as if she was in a very good mood due to my presence, looked confused as she said, “I don’t.”

  I looked at her and didn’t say anything. Toni continued to look at me dumbfounded, then suddenly her confusion disappeared as if she had received a revelation. “Oh! You mean that square thing that controls the heat?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh as I shook my head and said, “You are just like a woman. Yeah, where is the square thing that controls the heat?”

  Toni laughed, and as she directed me to the “square thing,” she explained she wasn’t into “technical stuff.” When we walked up to the thermostat, I instantly diagnosed the problem to Toni’s air-conditioning woes. Toni looked at me and asked if I also needed to see that “short, round thing” that was in the backyard.

  “No, Toni, I don’t need to see the compressor,” I sarcastically said. “I think I already know what’s wrong.”

  “Well excuse me, Mr. Con Edison,” Toni exclaimed. Then she shot back like she’d just received her second revelation. “Con Edison. Wait a minute, you work for Con Edison?”

  I replied, “Nah. I just like wearing the Con Edison uniform.”

  “Shut up, Lance,” Toni said as she slapped me on the arm. “No, but for real, I knew it. That’s where I know you from. Didn’t you come into the shop one day while you were working?”

  I smiled because I knew exactly to which day Toni was referring. “Yeah, I was there. That was me.”

  Toni had her mouth wide open as she laughed and said, “I knew I wasn’t trippin’. I was trying like crazy to figure out how come you looked so familiar. And you! Oh my God! That day you pulled up to me on Pennsylvania Avenue, talking about, ‘I know you.’

  I laughed as I said, “Don’t front. You know I was smooth wit’ mine that day. My game was tight.”

  Toni shook her head, and she was about to say something else, but she stopped in the middle of her sentence when she felt a whiff of cool air. She paused and looked at me with a confused expression as she said, “I know that’s not cool air that I feel.”

  Feeling like the chief and master of my trade, I simply blew air on my fingernails and made like I was buffing them on my shirt.

  “Lance, you mean to tell me that I’ve been suffering in this house in this ghetto heat for days, and you come over here and fix it that quick?”

  “Yeah, there was nothing wrong with the AC,” I explained.

  “What do you mean? ’Cause my father is gonna wanna know exactly why it wasn’t working. I think he has some repair company coming to look at it.”

  I went on, “I won’t even attempt to explain what I did, ’cause I know it will be too technical for you to understand, but just tell your pops that someone must have accidentally moved the switch from AC and had it on the heat setting. He can call and cancel whoever he had coming to fix it because it’s already fixed. I personally guarantee that y’all won’t have anymore problems.”

  Toni looked at me and said, “Well excuse me.”

  I felt good because I guessed that with my handy skills I had impressed Toni. But if only she knew how easy what I had just done was. I mean it was just a matter of moving a switch.

  “Oh my God, it’s already starting to feel good in here. Thank you, Lance,” Toni added.

  Toni’s tanned-looking and toned body was driving me crazy. It seemed as though we were the only two people in the house, so I asked for a hug. Toni put up no argument, and she gave me one. I didn’t let her pull away as I looked her in her eyes and asked, “So you ready to talk or what?”

  Toni looked up at me with her puppy-dog eyes and nodded. She was pressed
very close against my body. She was feeling and smelling as sweet as ever, so sweet that I was beginning to wonder if she could feel something poking her. I knew that no matter what happened that day, Toni and I were definitely gonna talk. Regardless of whether what we talked about would prove to be positive or not, I realized that now was the perfect time to attempt to kiss her. So without asking for permission I just closed my eyes and allowed my lips and tongue to find Toni’s soft lips. As my tongue touched hers, it felt like a wafer was just melting on my tongue.

  Not only didn’t Toni object, but she was actually getting into it. She began caressing the back of my head as we kissed. She also caused her face to turn into the kiss a couple of times to make it more passionate. Toni finally pulled away from me. She didn’t look directly at me as she shook her head and looked toward the floor. There was silence of passionate disbelief. It was broken when Toni said, “Lance, come on. We definitely have to talk right now.”

  Toni grabbed me by the hand and led me to her apartment, which was sectioned off from the main quarters of the house. She had a separate entrance that led to a door in the backyard.

  We reached her apartment, which looked as if it could have been in an IKEA catalog with the way it was decorated. But I was sure that the furniture probably came from a more upscale furniture store like Ethan Allen. Toni sat me at a chair in front of the kitchen countertop. She prepared iced tea for the two of us, then she got right to the point.

  “Lance, what is going on between us? I mean, you’re married and all, and here I am kissing you.”

  I had no clue as to what I was gonna actually say, but I knew I had to be as convincing as a con artist. I was still coming off the high I had received from the kiss. I felt like plastering one of those nervous smiles on my face, but I wanted Toni to know that I was serious and that I wasn’t just taking this serious talk time as a joke. I didn’t want to be distracted by Toni’s face, her body, or anything, so I looked to the floor as I began to speak to her.