Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  Then all of a sudden, both my cell phone and my pager started vibrating almost simultaneously.

  It was Scarlet.

  Oh damn, I thought. Not now.

  Being that Toni was out of the room, I decided to just quickly answer my cell phone and tell Scarlet that I would call her back. I knew that was a real dangerous move because I was taking a chance that Toni might overhear me talking on the phone and then later question me as to who it was that I had been speaking to. But I also didn’t want Scarlet blowing up my cell phone and pager throughout the night, so like I said, I decided to answer the cell but I knew that I would have to take control of the conversation and make it quick.

  I answered my cell phone, and I immediately started talking in a way that would not allow for any small talk, “Yo, what’s up, Scarlet? Listen, let me call you back in about an hour, okay?”

  “Nah, that’s not okay,” Scarlet rudely shot back, which sort of caught me off guard. “You’re gonna speak to me right now and explain to me what the hell you’re doing in Jamaica Estates.”

  At that point my heart started pounding so fast and hard that I thought Toni was gonna hear it in the other room. I immediately started looking under the couch, underneath the table, and inside one of the closets in Toni’s apartment to see if Scarlet was staked out in the joint with a butcher knife or something.

  “Jamaica Estates?” I replied, trying to sound ignorant as to what Scarlet was saying.

  “Yeah, nigga. Don’t play stupid. That is exactly what I asked you. Jamaica-Got–Damn-Estates. On Chevy Chase Road. Whose house are you at?”

  At that point I felt like screaming out loud, “Damn! Damn! Damn!” as if I was the character Florida Evans from that famous episode of the TV Show Good Times after her husband, James’ funeral. But instead I just slightly whispered to myself, “Ahhhhhhhhh damn.” What could I say? I was just gritting my teeth out of both fear and frustration. I wish I could have just jumped through that cell phone and strangled Scarlet.

  I walked to a very remote part of Toni’s apartment, and I began talking in a very low, stern voice.

  “Scarlet del Rio, you listen to me. I don’t know what you are up to or where you’re calling me from or what the deal is, but I’m gonna say this one time, and I’m not gonna be arguing with you here on the phone. I decided to go out with the fellas tonight, but I had to make a quick stop and drop off something for Steve. I didn’t even know that this was Jamaica Estates. All I had was an address.”

  “Lance, don’t give me that.”

  “What do you mean don’t give you that?”

  In my mind I was panicking like crazy because I knew that Toni would be coming out of her room at any second.

  “Who is the seafood for, Lance? Oh, let me guess. Steve called you at work and asked you to stop in Canarsie and get some seafood, and instead of dropping it off at his house, you decide to go home and get all dipped out and then drop off the seafood before y’all go out, right? Is that it? You must really think I’m a stupid Brazilian bitch or something.”

  I knew Scarlet was heated because her accent started to come out as she spoke.

  Scarlet was truly pulling my card. Now I was scared because I knew that Scarlet must have been following me, and I didn’t want her ringing Toni’s doorbell or anything ghetto like that. So like my years of experience had taught me, I knew that when the evidence is strongly stacked against you, it means that it is probably a good time to cop a serious plea-bargain deal. Copping a plea is basically admitting that you are guilty, and when you do that, it’s like saying that you’re at least not trying to insult the prosecuting party’s intelligence. And in this case, Scarlet was the prosecutor, the judge, the jury, and she would have had no problem being the executioner.

  “A’ight, listen,” I angrily and nervously whispered. “Scarlet I’m not going out with the fellas. I lied about that. See, I’m admitting that. But I just can’t explain to you right now what I’m doing because you wouldn’t understand.”

  “I wouldn’t understand what? That you’re screwing some rich white lady? Only rich white folks live in Jamaica Estates. So, Lance, what don’t I understand about that?”

  Since my plea-bargaining strategy wasn’t working, I only had one final option, and that was to throw myself on the mercy of the court and beg for leniency.

  “Scarlet, I am not with no white woman. But please just listen to me. Please, I know exactly what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m with someone else and that that someone else is gonna take your spot. Baby, that is just not true, and I’ll prove it. See, I’m about to say something that I have never, ever said before, and I’m not just saying this because I want you to believe me, but tomorrow, if you give me the chance, I’ll explain everything to you face-to-face as far as what it is that I’m doing here in Jamaica Estates. And if after I explain and prove to you the legitimate reason why I was here, you still don’t believe me, then I tell you what, you can take every sex video that you and I have ever made, you can take any picture that we have ever taken together, you can take all the letters and cards that I have ever given you, along with all of the gifts and whatever, and you can personally hand deliver them to Nicole.”

  Scarlet was silent as she thought about what I had just said.

  “Scarlet, you know how fiercely adamant I’ve always been in terms of keeping you a secret from Nicole, so if I’m telling you that I’m willing to break that veil in order to have your trust, that should be telling you something, baby.” I made sure to stress the word baby.

  I don’t know from where on earth I was getting all of that loose-lip pimp game. And I knew it was damn sure risky pimp game that I was loosely throwing around. Everyone knows that it is loose lips that sink ships, but I had Toni right where I wanted her, and I was willing to risk and do just about anything and say anything and to go to any lengths that I had to in order to avoid fouling things up with her.

  Fortunately I had somewhat broken through to Scarlet as she angrily and reluctantly replied, “Whoooo . . . uuuughhhh. I can’t stand you, Lance. You better thank God that I’m in a rush. I’m dancing at this new club in Harlem for the first time tonight, and I don’t wanna stand up the promoter. Otherwise I would sit my Brazilian ass right here on Chevy Chase Road and wait to see which house you come out of.”

  Man, I didn’t even know that Scarlet was actually camped outside. But that’s just how gangsta and gully she was with hers.

  “Scarlet, remember what I said, a’ight?”

  “Lance, you are getting real sloppy with yours. Remember what I told you. If I can’t be your number one, then I’m damn sure gonna be your number two.”

  “Scarlet, I gotta go, a’ight,” I very nervously whispered in a rushed tone.

  “Oh, you’re rushing me off the phone? Matter of fact, I do have a few minutes.... I tell you what, if you ain’t with no other woman then bring yo’ black ass outside right now and come sit in my car for a few minutes. I’m parked right next to your car.”

  As Scarlet was calling my bluff, out of pure disgust I blew air into the phone, and I simply told Scarlet that I had to go. I hung up the phone, and I quickly made it back to where I had been sitting in Toni’s apartment.

  Before I could sit back down, Scarlet was again blowing up my phone, but this time I didn’t dare to answer.

  As my heart pounded, I remember thinking that there was no way that I was gonna be able to relax with Toni. I was too worried that Scarlet was gonna start ringing doorbells in the neighborhood in an attempt to find me or something.

  But I knew that I had to relax and just deal with the drama that came along with being a rolling stone. If I was able to safely make it through the next ten minutes without Scarlet doing a drive-by shooting on Toni’s crib then I figured I would at least be cool for the night.

  As Toni was still in her room changing—and thank God she had taken longer than I expected—she yelled out to me, “So did you have a problem getting the movie?”
>
  I yelled back, “Nah, I got it.”

  Before I knew it, Toni had come out of her room wearing a tee shirt, sweatpants, and those thick socks that bunch up around the ankles. She was also in the process of brushing her hair as she sat down next to me. Toni smiled at me and asked “So, Lance, how was your day?”

  Not wanting to mention the drama that could quite possibly unfold if Scarlet were to figure out which house Toni lived in and rang the bell, I responded, “My day was cool. I didn’t think it would turn out as good as it has, you know being that I’m with you and everything.” Then I went on to tell her that I had a surprise for her.

  Toni inched closer to me in excitement. “Really? What is it?”

  Totally forgetting that Scarlet was camped outside, I added, “It’s outside. Wait right here. I’ll go get it.”

  While I got up to make my way outside, Toni turned the TV on. She then pulled her hair back and placed a silk scrunchy around it to hold it in place as she relaxed on the couch and expressed her love of surprises.

  After first tiptoeing up to a huge oak tree that was located near Toni’s driveway and hiding behind it, I poked my head out from behind the tree to see if the coast was clear. Feeling like I was playing hide and go seek or some type of game like that, I nervously made it to my Lexus. With my heart pounding a mile a minute, I scanned the entire block, looking for Scarlet. Fortunately, she wasn’t anywhere in sight. But knowing her, she was probably in a tree with a pair of night-vision binoculars along with a gun and a red scope with a targeted dot pointed at my head waiting to pull the trigger. I knew that going outside was crazy and bold on my part, but I also figured that even if I had bumped into Scarlet, it would have made me come across in a much more credible manner to her.

  Luckily for me, I was able to safely retrieve the lobsters, which were loaded in the trunk of my car inside of a box of ice. The lobsters were still very much alive and moving. I carried the box back to Toni’s apartment, and I checked over my shoulder one last time to make sure that Scarlet was not in sight, which thank God, she wasn’t. Before I walked back into Toni’s living room I told her to close her eyes. Toni was smiling from ear to ear. As I approached her, I instructed her to stand up and to make sure that she kept her eyes closed. When I got directly in front of her, I quietly opened the box, and I raised lobsters to her chin.

  Toni, who couldn’t see a thing, began to laugh, and she asked, “Lance, what are you doing?”

  I replied, “Nothing. Just relax, and keep your eyes closed.”

  Toni continued to smile and giggle while I remained silent for about ten seconds. Then I said, “A’ight, you can open your eyes now.”

  Toni opened her eyes. She saw the lobsters and instantly let out a scream as she bolted for cover. When she was out of harm’s way she put a hand across her chest. Breathing heavy and sounding fearful, she asked, “Lance, what is that?”

  After witnessing her reaction, I fell to the couch in belly-ache laughter. Still terrified, Toni asked again, “Lance, what’s in that box?”

  Still laughing, I got up from the couch and walked in Toni’s direction in an attempt to show her what was inside the box. But as I got closer, she ran and demanded that I stay away. Finally, my laughter was beginning to come to an end, and I explained, “It’s just lobsters, baby.”

  Toni gave me an untrusting look. So to prove it, I held the box down and tilted it in her direction. Toni proceeded with caution. She inched closer and closer to the box and attempted to look in. I thought about screaming and scaring her one last time, but I decided that enough was enough. I didn’t want her to think that I was childish or anything. When Toni was close enough to confirm that it was in fact lobsters, she let out a sigh of relief and began laughing. She punched me on the arm and asked if I was trying to give her a heart attack.

  “Just trying to have a little fun,” I advised.

  Toni informed me that she loved lobster, but she had no idea in the world how to properly cook them. While walking toward the kitchen I confidently informed her, “Well, I didn’t expect for you to cook them. I was planning on cooking for you. That’s if it’s okay with you.”

  “Uh-oh, look out now,” Toni jokingly replied. “There is definitely nothing wrong with a man who can cook.”

  I instructed Toni, “Give me the largest and deepest pot that you have.”

  As Toni searched for a pot, I explained to her that cooking lobster was as easy as boiling an egg. Toni, who seemed to be delighted by the whole idea, informed me she had to run up to her parents’ to get a big pot, being that all of hers were of average size. While Toni went to locate the pot, I made myself very familiar with her kitchen. To make things look good, I put on an apron I saw hanging from the side of her range. I also placed a big wooden spoon on the table along with cooking gloves. I searched inside of her refrigerator to see if she had the necessary ingredients to make a salad.

  As Toni returned to the kitchen with the pot, she asked, “Is this big enough?”

  I reached and took it from her hand while letting her know that it indeed was big enough. Toni laughed and said, “Oh-oh, look at Lance, got his apron on and all dip out like you know what you’re doing. I’m afraid of you. Let me find out you really know how to cook!”

  “Just have a seat and watch. I’ll show you how to be a chef,” I replied.

  Toni pulled out a chair from her kitchen table. She sat in the chair with her legs curled underneath her butt and her forearms on the glass kitchen table. As Toni sat with her hands folded, she smiled with excited anticipation.

  I began to demonstrate my skills as I said, “A’ight, the first thing you do is fill the pot up with water. That, of course, is assuming that the pot is clean, ’cause if it isn’t, the first thing you would do is clean the pot. I’m assuming y’all don’t have no roaches or anything, do y’all?”

  Toni laughed while shaking her head no. By now she had her right elbow on the table and her right palm was cupped underneath her chin. Toni kinda spoke through her teeth as she assured me, “No, we don’t have any roaches. You sure got nerve.”

  “Just checking, baby. Just checking,” I said. I then went on to explain the process. “Okay, after you fill the pot with water, you add your seasoning. Then you bring the water to a boil, then you place the lobsters in it, and that’s it.”

  Toni, seeming to be a little baffled, asked, “That’s it?”

  “Yeah, that’s it,” I replied.

  “So how do you know when the lobsters are ready?” Toni questioned.

  “Oh. Well let me backtrack a bit. I forgot to tell you that you have to put the lobsters into the water while they’re still alive.”

  Toni frowned and remarked how cruel it was to scorch the poor lobsters to death. I gave no weight to her feelings as I told her, “Don’t worry about that. Better them than you, right? But to answer your question, you’ll know that they’re ready when you see their shells turn bright red. After that you can then take them out of the pot, dry them off, and put butter on them. Once the butter is on them, you can place them in the broiler for a while.”

  “Does putting the butter on them add flavor or something?” Toni asked.

  “Nah, it just makes the shell easier to crack,” I said.

  During the time I was explaining all of this to Toni, I had the fire under the pot, and the water was at its boiling point. Toni cringed as I dropped the lobsters into the water.

  “Lance, that’s so mean. Oh, look at the poor things. You can tell that they’re in pain ’cause they’re moving around so crazy,” Toni commented.

  Again I brushed Toni’s remarks aside as I replied, “They’ll be a’ight. Besides, you won’t even be thinking about how they’re feeling when you’re eating them.”

  Lobster doesn’t take that long to cook, so while they were boiling, I began to prepare the salad. Toni expressed that I seemed like I was comfortable and that I knew my way around the kitchen very well. Trying to big myself up, I gloated as I sliced
the tomatoes, “Yeah, cooking ain’t all that. If I put my mind to it, there isn’t anything that I can’t do. I’m multitalented.”

  Toni was smiling. She became inquisitive and wanted to know more about my “multitalents.” I informed her that some of my talents couldn’t be spoken about due to their explicit contents. Toni didn’t seem too amused by the nature of my comment. I quickly recovered by adding that I also knew how to do hair.

  Toni became instantly amused, as she said, “Yeah, right. What do you mean, you know how to do hair?”

  “I’m sayin’. I can do wraps, doobies, and all that,” I confidently proclaimed. “Matter of fact, I’ll even take care of your split ends.”

  Toni began laughing, then she looked at me with her head slightly tilted and asked, “Can you really do wraps?”

  “Yeah. Wraps are easy. All you need is some setting lotion, a brush, a comb, and a hair dryer, and you’re good to go.” As I cracked a smile, I advised Toni not to sleep on my skills. Toni demanded proof, and I assured her that I would prove it to her, just as long as she was willing to be my guinea pig.

  I was just about done with the salad so I asked Toni where we would be eating. She suggested that we go in the living room so we could watch the movie while we ate. After looking in the pot, I noticed that the lobsters were almost done.

  “See, Toni, come here a minute.” As Toni walked toward the stove, I added, “This is what I was talking about when I said they’ll turn bright red. They should be ready to go into the broiler in about two more minutes.”

  Toni got two plates and two trays, then she asked what I would like to drink. Being that I wanted the evening to be as romantic as possible, I asked her if she had any wine. Unfortunately, she didn’t.

  “You ever drank Alizé?” Toni asked.

  “Whaaat?” I cheerfully replied. “That’s my drink. Why, you got some?”

  To my excitement, Toni did indeed have a whole bottle of Alizé. Before long we were in front of the television watching the movie and eating. We were having a good time. Toni admitted that she wasn’t very experienced at eating lobster. I watched her make a mess, but I coached her as to how to properly eat it.