“I don’t mind.” My anger has fled, sorrow chasing it away. “How can we make things work if we’re not together, Eli?”
“We’re hardly apart,” he scoffs. “I’m only going to be spending the nights in the guest room. Now I’m not doing shit for the club, we’ve got time together during the day. Hell, we might like the break at night. It will stop us getting on each other’s nerves.”
He’ll never get on my nerves. He must be speaking for himself.
“Once you get a job, Eli, you’ll be gone during the day. I may too, if I find something for me.”
“Told you before, not having you go to work. Hell, I was worried enough when you disappeared today.”
I spin around. “Then you shouldn’t have pissed me off.” Hell, he makes me so angry. “And it was only because you didn’t know where I’d gone. You could have picked up the phone and called if you were that worried. We’re citizens now, Eli. That means I go out and do citizen shit. Go to the grocery store without an escort, get a job like any woman wanting to support her husband and child.”
He growls. “And I told you, you’re not supporting me.”
“I didn’t mean totally, for goodness’ sake. We’re in this together now, you and me. I want to play my part. Isn’t that what civilian women do?”
He doesn’t reply. It’s his turn to spin on his heels and walk off.
I call out after him, “It’s about time you decided exactly what it is you want, Eli.” When he pauses, I add, “We’re out of the club. We’ve both got to forge a new way for ourselves.”
Chapter Ten
Olivia…
It’s been four weeks since we left the club and nothing much has changed.
I haven’t returned to the compound, and neither Mom nor Sam have come to the house because I’ve discouraged them. While I’ve been speaking to Mom daily on the phone, I’ve made up every excuse under the sun not to go back to the place I’d probably not want to leave. The reason not to have them visit me, was almost the same. It would be only too easy for them to persuade me to return with them.
I pretend I’m enjoying my new life, but the closest I get to that in actuality is that I endure it.
Heart’s house was originally chosen as it has no close neighbours, secluded and out of the way. The only person I tend to speak to in person, other than Eli, is the cashier at the grocery store I go to, and that’s only to tell her no, I don’t need help out to my car. Oh, there was a woman who asked with interest when my baby was due. But I’d stepped back and eluded her when her hand started to reach out, and I was suspecting she was going to take the liberty of feeling my baby bump the way some people expect to do.
Constantly I pretend to myself everything is well, while knowing it isn’t. Eli and I still sleep in separate rooms, and while we haven’t revisited the conversation concerning the lack of sexual partners in his life, I remain scared in case we do.
I haven’t been successful putting Mom off entirely. My excuses ran out when she sensibly suggested if I wasn’t going there, and that she couldn’t come here, then meeting up in a coffee shop in Tucson would do.
Meeting face-to-face will tell her everything she wants to know without me uttering a word. I don’t have a poker face and know she’ll realise things are not right in my world.
Eli doesn’t seem to care what I do, as long as he knows where I’m going and why. A habit born of years of the club looking after their old ladies, keeping them protected from enemies. Well, he’s not a Satan’s Devil anymore, so we’ve got no one we need to steer clear of. But I’ve humoured him, explaining I’m going out to meet my mom.
“I’m off now,” I tell him. “I’ll be a couple of hours.”
“I might be out when you get back.”
I notice the practice of saying where and who with doesn’t extend to him. Or not without me pressing. “Where are you going?”
He raises and lowers his shoulders. “What you’re always bugging me to do. Job hunting. Thought I’d try the Harley stores. See if they’re hiring.”
What Eli doesn’t know about Harleys isn’t worth knowing, or any make of motorcycle come to that. It’s a good idea, so I tell him so, wishing him good luck. His going job hunting is a good sign, isn’t it?
I even have a slight spring in my step as I approach the coffee shop where Mom and I are meeting until I enter and spy not only her, but Sam as well. It’s an ambush.
Mom stands and holds out her arms. I walk straight into them. We hug, both of us fighting tears, then she holds me at arm’s length.
“Bloody hell. You’ve gotten big.”
“Mom!” I bat at her arm. “You’re lucky I’m pregnant.”
“How are you, Olivia?” Sam’s eyes are full of concern.
I suspect she means maternity wise. “Fine. Though I’m getting swollen ankles.”
“Your doctor think everything’s progressing okay?”
They won’t be content with platitudes, so I give them chapter and verse on my latest check-up, having to admit that Eli hadn’t come with me.
Sam’s mouth thins. “Why not?”
I shrug and lean forward, pausing briefly to thank the waitress who’d brought a soda to me.
“He’s busy looking for work.” I cross my fingers under the table, knowing it’s only today he’s started searching for something, and though that’s what he’d told me, I’m not entirely convinced that’s what he’s out doing.
Sam’s looking at me carefully. “Is Eli excited about the baby?”
“Of course,” I tell them. “He can’t wait to meet him.”
“It’s a boy?” Mom claps delightedly.
“We don’t know yet. Eli’s convinced it is.” Or he used to be. Now I wonder if he cares what he gets.
Sam’s regarding me carefully. “How’s the baby’s room coming along?”
Another bone of contention. I force myself to say brightly, “We haven’t started on it yet. Eli thinks it’s too soon.”
“Olivia, sweetie, you’ve only got two months. It could even come early. You need to start thinking about what you need.”
Mom reaches under the table and delves into her purse. “What do you think about these? Sam and I want to buy them for you.”
She’s showing me her phone open to a page where there’s a beautiful crib. Then changes the screen and a stroller appears.
To be honest, it would be a weight off my mind if someone else chose them and bought them for me. I doubt if I can get Eli interested enough, nor could we spare the money to buy anything like this. Presents though, I hope he’d accept.
“I like those.” Or, at this point, anything will do. At least it won’t mean spending dollars we haven’t got, or delving deeper into the loan Drummer gave us.
“I’ll get them ordered then.” Mom looks pleased.
“The girls at the compound want to throw you a baby shower.”
My eyes meet Sam’s, then I look away. It sounds too normal, and while the idea is attractive, there’s one big flaw. “I don’t want to come back,” I say, hoarsely.
“Well you’re going to,” Mom says with determination. “You can’t stay away forever. Everyone will want to meet the baby when it comes. They’re your family, Olivia. Yours and Eli’s.”
Not Eli’s anymore though.
It’s as if I’ve spoken aloud when Sam looks at me sternly. “Look, Ollie. No one likes what went down. The brothers will have bad feelings for some time, no one can deny that. But Eli left. He took his punishment like a man. They’ll come around, eventually. But staying away isn’t the answer. You should both come back and tough it out. The girls want to see you, everyone does.”
“And your sisters.” Mom looks annoyed. “I don’t know why you say they can’t visit you.”
It’s hard to pretend everything’s well when it’s not. I decide to come clean. “I don’t want to upset Eli.”
Sam’s sharp. “He’s angry with us? Or, do you think he regrets what he did?”
&n
bsp; “I don’t know, Sam. That’s part of the problem. We’re not really communicating now, or not talking about the things that matter. On the face of it, he’s gotten exactly what he wants, a chance to be a normal man, and not a Satan’s Devil. On the other hand, he’s not assimilating into civilian life, and doesn’t seem to want me to. But,” I give a quick smile, “things will be better once he gets a job.”
“Fuck, I hate this.” Sam might live with Drummer, but it’s unusual to hear her swear. “You’re two youngsters out on your own. You’ve got no family to fall back on. I know he brought this on himself, but he’s dragged you down too.”
“Come back.” Mom’s face reddens as she shares a glance with Sam. “Come back to the compound. This isn’t fair on you.”
“I can’t leave Eli,” I say fast. That’s the last thing I want to do. Part of the reason, and what I’m not going to share, is that I’m scared I’ll push him into the arms of another woman if I give him an excuse and the opportunity. But he might anyway. How do I know he’s where he said he was going today?
“You’re pregnant, Olivia. You don’t need any stress. And reading what you’re not saying, that’s what Eli’s causing you. I love my son, but he made his own bed. It’s for him to lie in, not you.”
But the more they try to persuade me, the more adamant I become. “I’m not returning. Maybe when the baby’s born, he’ll feel better. Maybe he’s just worried about me. He’s still hurting, you know? He’s sleeping badly because of the pain, and he doesn’t eat well. Once he’s healed, he’ll be back to himself. Yes,” I say, knowing it’s me I’m trying to convince as well as them, “once he’s healed and the baby’s here, we’ll be fine.”
Sam’s eyebrows rise.
“There’s a chance, isn’t there?” I insist. Either the baby will make things right, or we’ll have to accept the life we’d planned together isn’t going to work out. The doubt in their eyes makes me add, “I’ll promise you this. If, after the baby’s here, things are no better, I’ll come back. I’ll have to, won’t I? For the sake of my son or daughter.”
Both sets of eyes stare at me, then Sam lightens the mood. “Where have you gotten to with names?”
That I can answer. “Sage for a girl. Not so sure about a boy. Kai, perhaps?”
“Eli like those?”
I nod. I took his indifference when I mentioned them as having no opinion either way.
“So, what’s the news from the compound?” I don’t really want to hear how life’s going on without me. To give them credit, Sam and Mom simply say everything’s much as it’s always been, and don’t go into much detail, other than in one instance.
“Really?” My eyes go to Sam when she tells me. “Drummer’s VP?”
She nods. “Temporarily. There was no one else waiting in the wings, so Wizard wants to work on bringing someone up to speed.”
“Dad didn’t want it?” I’m surprised. As the previous VP, shouldn’t he have been first choice?
Mom moves her head from side to side. “Wraith’s worrying himself bloody sick about you, Liv. His head is not in the right place.”
Suddenly I realise I’m selfish staying away. “Tell him I miss him, okay? Tell him I will visit soon.”
We then move on to talking about anything and everything as we used to, making me realise how much I’ve missed their company. We discuss movies or series we’ve all watched and books we’ve read. I made them crack up when I describe a scene in one of my latest books.
Sam’s giggling. “And they really thought that’s how an MC works?”
I nod vigorously, grinning myself. “And the number of bodies they left behind. Even Road’s track wouldn’t be long enough.”
Mom says sharply, “And what the bloody hell do you know about Road’s track?”
I roll my eyes. “I live, lived,” I correct, “on the compound, remember?”
Eventually it’s obvious the restaurant would prefer us to leave and vacate the table for patrons who might buy something to go with their coffee. We hug and kiss, me hanging onto my mom for an extra few seconds before reluctantly pulling away.
“Let me know when I can come visit,” Mom says.
“Me too.” Sam’s got a look of longing on her face. “Give my love to Eli.”
As I promise I will, they turn to head away, being parked in the opposite direction to me. As they start to walk, I hear Mom lean in and say to Sam, “Your son is a bloody wanker.”
“He’s an asshole,” Sam agrees.
I have to smile. You might take the Brit out of Britain, but Mom will always stay true to her roots.
I watch until they disappear, then, extracting my key from my purse, turn to walk to my own car. I bump straight into someone who uses his hands to steady me.
“Hey, imagine meeting you.”
I look up. It’s the man from a week or so back when I’d been ruminating in the sun that day. “Oh, yeah. What a coincidence.” Tucson must be a lot smaller than I thought.
“Gabe,” he reminds me. “I’m Gabe.”
“Gabe.” I nod back. “Well, I must be on my way.”
As I continue on, I wonder whether he thought I was rude not to respond with my name. Still, either way, it doesn’t matter to me.
Eli’s not home when I return. His bike, which had been delivered without fanfare by a prospect a few weeks back, is not in the garage. At least it’s electric with a push button gear change and clutch which he can manage with his injured hand. I thought being able to ride again would have cheered him up, but it hadn’t.
Still, he’s got his independence back which must be a good thing.
Perhaps he got talking with the men in the Harley shop? Bikers never run out of topics I’ve found. Eli can talk the hind legs off a donkey, as my mom would say, once the conversations turn to motorcycles. Maybe he’s been offered work? Now that would be a good thing. This drifting, living from day to day, isn’t helping.
I tidy and dust. Looking in the fridge, I decide what I might tempt Eli to eat for dinner tonight. Then, I putter in the yard, pulling up a few weeds until the heat of the sun drives me back inside.
It’s not just Eli that gets fatigued. Him from lack of sleep at night and his still healing body, and me from carrying extra pounds of baby along with me.
I stretch out on the couch and close my eyes. Just five minutes. But as I go back over the conversation I’d had with my mom and mother-in-law, I yawn, and a wave of tiredness comes over me. I’m exhausted from pretending I can go on this way.
Chapter Eleven
Olivia…
“Did you have any success?” I plate up some breakfast and take it to the table.
Eli looks down at what I’ve put in front of him, grimaces, then pushes it away. “No.”
“Aren’t you going to eat?” I stare at my husband, realising he’s starting to lose weight. His cheekbones are more prominent. I wouldn’t know what he looks like under his clothes, it’s been weeks since I’ve seen him naked. My man, who had never been self-conscious at all, now only appears fully dressed in front of his wife.
When he doesn’t respond, I ask him again. “Any leads on a job? And please, Eli. Just eat something.”
“When are you going to stop fuckin’ nagging?” he yells. Standing, he paces to the door, grabs his keys from the table on the side, and goes out. Moments later I hear the roar of his bike.
Suddenly I’m not hungry at all.
I will not cry.
Methodically I push away from the table, take my plate to the bin and brush all the food away. I’m sorry, baby. Right now, I’ve lost my appetite.
I’m determined not to fall apart. I’ve a little human growing inside me, depending on me. Trouble is, I, in turn, have no one to lean on.
I could go back to the compound.
That would be so easy to do. Is that what Eli would prefer?
Two things stop me. Firstly, I’m a grown woman who shouldn’t be running home to her mom and admitting she hadn’t been
able to make their marriage work. Secondly, perhaps I’d be giving Eli just what he wants, a chance to bring other women home. To explore, using his terminology, what it would feel like to have his cock in a different pussy.
He’s been leaving the house more regularly, as if trying to escape. A niggling doubt inside me suggests he’s not out job seeking. Perhaps he’s already found someone else?
Stuffing my hand into my mouth to stop myself screaming in frustration, I realise I’ve become a suspicious wife. Before I put his clothes in the laundry, I even sniff them, wondering if I’ll catch the scent of perfume or soap that’s not a brand I use. I check his pockets for receipts for, I don’t know, flowers I didn’t receive, or meals out I didn’t eat.
I’m living with a man I don’t trust, and who I don’t know. Living with? Cohabitating more like, we don’t sleep in the same bed, and I can’t remember the last time we kissed or shared a tender touch.
He’s not even trying anymore.
My hand starts to reach for my phone. It would be so easy to call Mom and tell her I want to come home. Within the hour, there’d be a prospect here to help me pack. If Eli’s not come back, I could just leave him a note.
Would he care?
It’s been two weeks since that conversation with my mother and Sam, and things haven’t just not improved, they’ve gotten worse.
What should we do, baby? I run my hands through my now very thick hair, a benefit of pregnancy. One of the few. I feel like a clumsy elephant. I’m tired all the time, and my ankles are swollen. My back hurts, and it’s an effort to get out of the chair. Six weeks to go. I’m ready now. Ready to meet my child, but scared what the reaction will be of his dad. He’s not asked about the baby for ages, and, lost in his own world, hasn’t enquired about my health.
Deliberately, I turn away from my phone. I’ve known Eli all my life, and the man I now live with is nothing like the boy I grew up with, nothing like the teenager with whom I first fell in love. He’s not the man who put this baby inside me, nor the man with whom I exchanged vows.
Hawk's Cry : Satan's Devils MC Second Generation #2 Page 9
