Hawk's Cry : Satan's Devils MC Second Generation #2

by Manda Mellett

  “You can’t enjoy feeling like this,” Liv says imploringly. “Please Eli. The doctor will be able to help.”

  But as I can’t see how anyone could, I continue to ignore them.

  After a while, I hear footsteps, then a murmuring of voices, but more distant, and I can’t work out what they’re saying.

  I close my eyes and try to think of nothing at all.

  I must drift back off to sleep. Sometime later, I hear people talking.

  Fuck. Has Drummer summoned reinforcements? For a moment I worry about being dragged out and driven to the hospital wearing nothing more than boxers. I realise I don’t give a fuck. I’ll be going to the psych ward after all, maybe it would be fitting.

  “Well fuck,” a deep voice sounds. “Thought next time I saw you I’d beat the life out of you, but you’re in such a sorry state I reckon you’re doing it to yourself.”

  “Go ahead, Joker. I don’t give a fuck.”

  Why’s on earth is he here? I wouldn’t have expected him to be Drummer’s first choice to help drag me out of bed, but then again, maybe he was the only man available.

  “Always expected it was something more when you walked out.” I hear a chair creak as Joker lowers his bones into it. “Should have fuckin’ guessed it was something like this.”

  If he’s here to drag me out of bed, why doesn’t he just get on with it. “What do you want?”

  Opening just one eye, I notice Joker’s settled himself in. I turn over and show him my back, but it doesn’t put him off as he begins, “See, you won’t remember this. You grew up seeing me and Lady together. Like everyone, you didn’t give a shit and accepted our relationship. But it wasn’t always like that.” He pauses, as though pulling his words together. “I had bible-strict parents, Eli. To say they didn’t accept I was gay by nature and not by choice is an understatement. Made me believe I was wrong…”

  Wait a moment. I don’t fuck Liv because I can’t get it up. I haven’t magically changed into wanting men. Is that what they think is wrong with me? Quickly I think back, knowing there’s been no time I could have indicated that. Not that there’s anything wrong in any one being with whoever they want, but I prefer women.

  I’ve got to correct his misassumption. I roll over and face him. “I’m not gay, so you’re barking up the wrong alley there.”

  Joker chuckles. I notice he’s made himself comfortable. He’s leaning back with his hands linked behind his head, and his legs are outstretched and crossed at the ankles.

  “Never thought for one minute that you are.” He taps his nose. “Gaydar tells me you’re not.”

  “Then why…?”

  “Why am I here?” He nods. “Drummer knows some of the shit that I went through. He knows I got help and asked me to explain how the one thing you don’t want to do might be the very thing that needs doing.”

  “You got counselling?” I guess.

  “Eventually, yes. Not until I made Lady’s life miserable and constantly pushed him away, worried as fuck we’d be kicked out of the club with a beatdown, or worse, if it ever came out. I suppressed my desires, ignoring the very heart of me…” Joker pauses and a look of pain flits across his face. “If Lady hadn’t stuck by me, hadn’t forced me to stop living a lie, hadn’t gotten me help when I needed it… Well, let’s just say I’d be six feet under by now. Trying to live as something you’re not is unbearable. I think if Lady had truly left me, yeah, I’d have taken the easy way out.”

  Something he says has resonated with me. Isn’t that what I’ve been doing, living a lie?

  “So, counselling, talking to someone, made me see I wasn’t perverted and dirty. That it was perfectly fine to live as I wanted to do. Showed me I was as normal as the next man and deserved happiness in my life. It helped, Eli. So, your dad wanted me to talk to you, explain it’s worth giving it a try.”

  “He wanted me to speak to you,” I swallow, not having realised everyone had seen it, “because I’ve been living a lie?” Somehow it makes it worse that they’d seen through my pretence.

  Joker holds up his hands. “Hey, man. I was here to persuade you to talk to someone, not counsel you myself.” He chuckles softly. “Don’t think I’m cut out for that.”

  “I can’t talk to a doctor, and you know why. What if I spill shit I shouldn’t be talking about?”

  “So this is about club business? Something to do with the club took you down?”

  “Yes… no… maybe.”

  Joker rolls his eyes. When they come back to level at me, they sparkle. His mirth is infectious, and despite myself, my lips curve upward fractionally. “Well, if that ain’t confusing, I don’t know what is.” Now he draws back his legs until they’re bent under him and brings his hands down. “You’re ready to talk, but not to a doctor?”

  I frown. Am I? I couldn’t talk to Dad, not to explain how I’d let him down. I couldn’t speak to Liv or Mom or my brother. Not Wraith as he’s Liv’s dad, and not Peg or Blade, they were uncles to me growing up. Joker though. He’s always been there, but we’ve not been close. Club brothers, yes, but if I wanted a confidant, I wouldn’t have sought him out. He’s distant enough to perhaps be objective.

  In some ways his story resonates with me. His parents wanted him to be something he wasn’t, but he was true to himself and got out.

  “I’ll talk to you, Joker. If you’ve got time.”

  He shakes his head, stares down at his hands, then, finally, looks up. “If you want someone to listen, I’m here for you. If you want me to give you answers, I can’t help. I’m a sounding board only. If you’ve got that, then yeah, I’ve got time.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Eli…

  I plump up the pillows behind me and sit myself up. Drawing up my legs and clasping my hands around them, I wonder where to start. I decide the beginning is always a good place. If I start to bore Joker, he can always leave.

  “My earliest memory is playing with toy motorbikes under the kitchen table with Liv.”

  Joker chuckles. “You were inseparable. She was sunshine, light and laughter, and you were the serious kid. If anyone made her cry, they had you to answer to.”

  “Maya pulled her hair one day,” I remember.

  “Yeah,” he glares at me, “you made my daughter cry.” His face relaxes as that memory fades. “You were so protective from the word go. I’ve known you since the day you were born, watched you grow into a replica of your Dad. I remember thinking you were a little Drummer back when you took your first step. You even had the steely glare going on.”

  “Everyone thought I was going to grow up like Drummer.” I take a breath, thinking back. “Dad’s father, my grandfather, had created the club. Dad became VP, then became prez. People used to tell me I was just like him and would grow up to do what he had done.”

  Joker eyes me thoughtfully. “Can’t tell you you’re wrong. Of course, every man in the club has to prove himself, but it was an assumption we’d made. You were always club, it would appear, from the day you were born. You showed the same traits as Drummer. You started off fiercely protective of Olivia, then all the kids. Then, as you grew, of the club. No man ever doubted you were a Satan’s Devil to the core, and I, and everyone, had no difficulty trusting and following you.”

  “And you were wrong.” I flex my fingers only just healing, some residual stiffness still there. I let them all down when I’d left the club.

  He stares at me with his brow creased and eyes narrowed. “I’d say we were not. But you see it differently." He gestures and says, “Go on.”

  “I knew Dad wanted me in the club. I was his firstborn. Even before I walked or talked, he had my future planned out, and I was happy enough to slip into it. Nothing made me feel better than making my dad proud, and nothing made him prouder than when I proved I was everything he wanted in a son. I couldn’t disappoint him, so I went out of my way to make him happy. Offer me two toys, I’d always take the motorbike, even if I was tempted by Liv’s dolls.”

/>   “She liked bikes too,” Joker remarks.

  She did. But that’s not the point. “I grew into what Dad wanted. A son who would follow him into the club. I did everything to show that one day I might even be able to lead it, just like he’d done.”

  Joker blows air out. “So what I said resonated. That you felt pressured to be something you weren’t?”

  I shrug. “I wouldn’t put it so strongly. I wasn’t pressured to go against my nature, I just didn’t have a chance to find out what I wanted for myself.”

  “But Zane, he never showed the slightest interest in the club.” Joker frowns. “He didn’t feel the same pressure you did.”

  I open my hands in a ‘so what’ manner. “Dad already had the son he wanted. Zane was never interested in the club.” It’s strange looking back to how we were as kids. “He preferred playing with trucks.”

  “And fuckin’ Legos. That kid was always building shit.”

  I suppose I’ve got that to look forward to. Treading on those tiny plastic bricks. If I’m still around when my kid’s born of course, if Liv hasn’t thrown me out, or if... I shake my head to clear it.

  “It’s not all Dad,” I tell him, biting my lip. “You know Mom rebuilt that Vincent Black Shadow of hers? She started working on it when she was sixteen. Already, by then, she was a damn good mechanic. She was never interested in dolls or clothes, just bikes. She liked it when I followed in her footsteps. I could identify wrenches before I could even write.”

  “And you wanted to make her happy?”

  “Doesn’t any kid?” I say sharply. “Your mom tells you how clever you are, and you feel on top of the world. It reinforces the behaviour.”

  Joker taps his fingers together. “I never thought of you as an unhappy kid.”

  “Are you kidding? I had a mom and dad who thought the sun shone out of my ass. Of course I was happy.”

  “Did you really want to play with dolls?” he suddenly asks, and it sounds serious.

  “No. Or I don’t think so. Thing is, I didn’t get the chance. Closest I got was putting a naked Barbie on the back of Action Man’s motorcycle.”

  Joker snorts. “I remember. We all thought you’d grow up like Drummer.”

  “That’s another thing.” I’d chuckled, but fleetingly. “I couldn’t be like him, I never had the chance. It felt like everyone assumed Liv and I would be together, that we were it for life. I never looked elsewhere.” I raise my head and stare at him. “You know how Drummer got his name. Me? I’ve only known one woman.”

  “And she doesn’t satisfy you?”

  “I don’t know. How could I when I don’t know anything different?”

  “Eli.” Joker actually sounds annoyed. “I was there, okay? Don’t rewrite history. Sure, you grew up as best friends, and I agree we all thought it would be cute if you ended up together, but no one put any pressure on you. In fact, Wraith did all he could to encourage Olivia to have options. As did Sophie.”

  Again, I let my eyes rest on him while my thoughts go back. Suddenly I’m back home with Mom questioning me as to whether there were any cute girls in high school. I remembered thinking the question odd—I had Olivia, why would I look anywhere else? Liv was more than any of them could be. She was my friend, my confidant. I lived for the day when I could make her mine. I hadn’t bothered to look elsewhere at all, I hadn’t wanted to.

  Perhaps I’m biased looking back. They hadn’t tried to push us together, nor pulled us apart which would have made us more determined. Things were let to run their natural course, and Liv and I had stayed together.

  “Tell me about the club,” Joker starts. “We’re always hard on prospects. We were harder on you, that I have to admit. Drummer couldn’t give you any preferential treatment, and for the sake of Cast who prospected at the same time, we had to give you both shit jobs. I know for a fact we asked more of you so Cast wouldn’t have a chance to complain.”

  “He told me once he was glad he wasn’t the prez’s son,” I agree.

  “But you stayed and put up with it. You could have walked away at that point. What I saw was a man who was prepared to give everything to the club.”

  I had. I’d barely seen Liv for the whole of those twelve months. But that’s who I am. When I want something, I go for it. “I wanted to please Dad. He wanted me patched in.” My shoulders rise and fall.

  “What did Sam want?”

  “She accepted the inevitable. She always knew I was born to go into the club.”

  “But there was no pressure?”

  In fact, thinking back, she had asked if this was what I’d really wanted. I, of course, had assured her it was. As an answer, I shake my head.

  Joker grimaces, then taps at his chin. “See, I’m having difficulty with this. The way we test prospects is to find them out. If you hadn’t convinced us becoming a member was everything to you, you wouldn’t have been patched in, never mind who your father was. I can’t believe that you had us fooled or were that good an actor. The man I saw gave his all to be accepted into the club. Got the unanimous vote required with no pressure from Drummer.”

  “But that’s what I wanted. Can’t you see?” I add, impatiently. “I couldn’t fail. Couldn’t let down my dad, or me. By then I was committed, I had to succeed. There was nothing else I was capable of.”

  “So you patched in. Sat around the table, a full member like me.” Joker’s hand scratches his face, and his brow creases. “That problem with Archangel, you were the one to sort that out. You came up with the plans on how to handle it. Fuckin’ good ones as well, worked like a charm. Not only then, you showed good judgement, but time after time. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and you’re a good man to have at your side in a fight. You proved yourself not just as a member, but as a man we could all trust. When Wizard proposed you as VP, I for one couldn’t think of a better choice.” He breaks off abruptly, then stares at me. “How could you have accepted the VP spot if you didn’t want to be in the fuckin’ club? You could have said something. No one forced you into that post.”

  “How could I?” I cry out. “It was the pinnacle of what Dad wanted, for me to step into his shoes. To become VP just like he had back in my grandfather’s day. I’d just turned twenty-five, Joker. Too fuckin’ young to have that responsibility.”

  His hand slashes through the air. “Age is just a number. It’s experience that counts, and seven years riding with the Devils puts men in more challenging situations than most have in the whole of their lives. We already looked up to you, Eli. Making you VP just formalised that.”

  “My whole life,” I cry out, “plotted and planned from the day I was born. I’d had no choice, Joker. I don’t know who I am. I got Liv pregnant, I’ll admit my part in that. I was VP for the club, responsible for men’s lives, and responsible for my wife and the child who’s coming along. I was going to fail them, one way or another. Fail the club, fail my wife, fail my kid…” My voice trails off as I start to sob, getting out my final thoughts before I break down. “Everyone was depending on me. I couldn’t afford to make a mistake. I started to question every decision. I got to the place where I couldn’t even think. Give me a choice, and I couldn’t choose. Do that, and someone might die, do this, and it might be someone else. That day… My wedding day, and we thought Archangel was coming for us? I wanted to marry Liv with everything that was in me, but I had to think of my club. Should I cancel the wedding? Should we let it go ahead? Should we send the women away?”

  “It wasn’t just your decision,” Joker states. “At the end of the day, it was all of ours, and Wizard would have the final word.”

  “But what if I’d made a suggestion and you’d all voted yes? What if it had been the wrong one?”

  “Then we’d all have been responsible for agreeing with what you said.”

  My voice rises. “I couldn’t play with people’s lives anymore. I had to leave the club. I couldn’t put anyone at risk. But being outside is no better, I can’t support my wif
e. Can’t even see a way I could bring up a kid.”

  My head drops into my hands as I realise for the first time, I’ve told someone my innermost thoughts and fears. That I’ve admitted my whole life’s been a sham, and that the man they thought they knew isn’t who I really am.

  The tears start to fall all over again. If I was faced with trouble, I wouldn’t be able to decide on the correct way to turn. I’m a fraud, and I have been all my life.

  Suddenly the bed dips, and the way it does shows me it’s not my wife. It’s a man. Joker? But he wouldn’t wrap his arms around me and pull me close. He doesn’t have a smell that reminds me of everything good about my childhood. No, it’s Drummer, the man who gave me life.

  Somewhere in my subconscious I realise he must have been listening all along. It’s both a burden and relief that he heard me get everything off my chest. I don’t blame him. He couldn’t help trying to mould me into a reflection of himself, it’s probably what I’d try to do with my own son.

  He rocks me as though I’m a child being comforted after falling off his bike, or breaking a favourite toy. He says nothing, just allows me to weep. His only movement is to reach for the box of man-sized tissues someone must have brought in.

  It’s only when my tears dry and I start to come back to myself that he uses words. “Son, I’d go out and buy you a fuckin’ Barbie doll right now if I thought that would help.”

  A combination between a sob and a laugh is startled out of my mouth.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Drummer…

  “Sam.”

  “What’s up, Drum? Do you need me to come home?”

  Just the way I’d said her name alerted her, showing how well she knows me.

  “Yeah. You, and Sophie. I’m sorry to cut your trip short, but we need you both back here.” I take a deep breath and then explain what’s happened with Eli, and, apparently, the part we both played.

  Like she knows me, I know her. I can tell she’s trying to hide her own distress. Of course her first reaction would be to reassure me. “It’s not your fault, Drummer. Eli’s not thinking clearly. You never pushed him into anything. He wanted to be a mini-you from the time he was born.”