Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1)

by Maria Macdonald

  I guess as much as I don’t want to admit it, I was wrong. We don’t.

  I turn back to the bag and feel my aggression rising again as I continue channelling my rage. The rage makes me feel and stops me slipping into oblivion.

  I wake to silence and look around the room wondering where I am. My brain kicks in and so does the mornings activities. My stomach dips and for a second, I think I may throw up. I see from the clock that I’ve only been asleep for about thirty minutes, but my mouth feels furry. I get up and make my way over to the door, my head is pounding from all the crying. It’s taken its toll on me and I feel completely drained. I open the door slightly and hear murmuring.

  “For fuck’s sake. You’d think the stupid shit would be able to get past this.” It’s Saul and it sounds like he’s mumbling to himself. Then his phone ringer chimes and I hear him answer it.

  “Con.”

  I should have known he would call him. If nothing else to let him know, I’m here and safe. I can’t help but eavesdrop though.

  “What do you mean?” I hear Saul whisper, obviously hoping I don’t hear anything.

  Then I hear him say, “Yeah, but she’s asleep in the spare bedroom.” That’s what he thinks. I wish I could hear the other side of the conversation. I know sometimes hearing only one side can be dangerous.

  I catch my breath as I hear Saul say, “Con, you don’t mean that. You love her. You’ll forgive her once you calm down and she explains.”

  It sounds like Saul sucks in his breath at whatever Con has just said and I feel panic rising up through my chest.

  My worries are all confirmed next when Saul almost disbelievingly says, “Con, you can’t honestly believe that you’ll never see her in the same way? You can’t honestly believe you’ll be okay with her loving someone and that someone not being you? You can’t really be ready to give up?”

  I feel myself crumple to the floor and my chest heaves out a sob.

  “Just… don’t do anything, have a couple of days to think things over, to decide what you want. Don’t bulldoze into this. Chill out bro and think.” I don’t listen to anymore as my sobs come thick and fast and any hope I had of getting rid of my headache washes away with my tears.

  I hear Saul quietly move to my room, his body jerks when he spots me a sobbing mess on the floor.

  “You heard,” he says softly and sits on the floor next to me gathering me up in his arms.

  “There’s no future without him,” I whimper.

  “I know baby girl. Give him time, he’ll come round.” But for the first time in forever, I don’t trust Saul’s tone. The confidence and conviction he always has to his voice has disappeared and I don’t think anything will ever be right in my life again.

  “Come on Pea, time to get your lazy arse out of bed.”

  I groan and roll over as Soph embarks on her daily routine to get me in the shower. It’s the only time I get out of bed, and only because I love my shower and feel peaceful inside it, warm and lost, like I’m somewhere else, anywhere else but here.

  Soph grabs my ankle and yanks my leg. “Soph, I’ll let the world in soon okay, just give me five more minutes.”

  I hear Soph harrumph. “You won’t get five more minutes and you won’t let the world in, Pea. You haven’t done for the last four days, and I’m fairly sure today will be the same routine. I’ll make you have a shower then I’ll call in sick on your behalf. Later, I’ll bring you lunch that you won’t eat and then dinner, which you will try not to eat, but I will threaten you with a selection of things that you know I won’t do, so to appease me you will eat a bowl of cereal. Then you will ignore everyone and we will start the same routine tomorrow. Enough is enough!”

  I don’t even have it in me to try and argue the point. She’s right, I just have no fight left.

  “You know, he isn’t the only one who loves you!” Soph snaps and I roll over slowly and lift my head to look at her.

  “No, he isn’t in that group anymore because he doesn’t love me,” I say and feel the throbbing back in my chest. I lay my head back down and close my eyes. “He doesn’t love me anymore, I know that. Even if I ignore the conversation that Saul had with him, it wouldn’t matter, he would’ve come to see me by now. The fact that he hasn’t just reinforces what I already know. I've lost him.” I open my eyes and see Soph’s face is soft and a tear runs down her cheek.

  “He just needs time,” she whispers. I know she’s just trying not to hurt me, but it doesn’t help giving me false hope. He’s not coming and I’m not sure what to do about that. I feel hollow. I feel like a shadow and I just don’t know how to pick myself back up.

  I throw out my fist and it connects with Alex’s jaw, then I throw another, and the crack vibrates through my body and releases some tension. Before he can do anything, I lift my leg and kick him once then again. I throw my fist out and hit him with an uppercut and he falls to the floor. The sounds penetrate my mind again and I can hear Paddy shouting.

  “Conner!” he bellows and I whip round to see him and a group of people staring at me.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you lad? You’re supposed to be sparring not fighting to the death. This isn’t a gladiator ring!” Paddy is pissed.

  I look around to see Alex propping himself up on one elbow and rubbing his chin with his hand. What the fuck am I doing?

  “Sorry Alex,” I say rubbing the back of my neck. “I guess I got carried away.”

  “Yeah… no worries,” Alex says, but he gets up and maneuverers out of the ring slowly making his way back to the locker rooms.

  “Sort your head out Con, and don’t come back until you have.” Shock moves through me at Paddy’s words. He’s never kicked me out of Murphy’s before. I nod and jump out of the ring grabbing my bag and head outside. I get in my car and I’m about to head home when a coldness covers my skin. I can’t go home, I have nothing there. I have nothing full stop. My head is fucked up and I don’t know any more whether it’s because I’m annoyed with Pea or because I’m like a ghost without her.

  I start my car and drive, I don’t remember any of the journey which worries me, but I end up driving to the Brighton sea front. I sit with the car idling, staring out at the sea. It’s four p.m. on a cold November night. Therefore, it’s nearly dark and it’s completely empty. I turn the car off and get out stretching. I lock the car and hear the crunch of the stones as I step onto the beach. I walk until I’m at the water’s edge. Sitting down I listen to the waves crash.

  Pea and I used to come here. It makes your problems seem so small and finite when you look out at the sea in all its glory. Tonight though… well, tonight it doesn’t make my problems feel small. I don’t think anything could make my problems seem small, at least not to me.

  I can’t seem to pull the strands apart, to be able to separate it all out so I can address just one thing at a time. It’s completely confusing and it’s frustrating me. For the first time in my life, I’m not in control. I don’t know what to do and it scares the shit out of me.

  One question above all others keeps coming back tapping on my skull like a sledgehammer.

  Do you love her?

  I have it floating around like a fucking phantom.

  The answer? Yes.

  I sigh and hang my head. It doesn’t matter what happens she’s my person. My soul will recognise hers forever.

  Without her, I feel like the whole world is on mute.

  I feel the water droplets trickle down my back, choosing their path, not knowing where they will end up but still sticking to the path, determined and fierce.

  I pull the towel around me and shiver. Day five.

  I sit at my dressing table looking in the mirror. The same mirror I looked in not too long ago and decided I wouldn’t be hollow and weak anymore, that I was going to pull myself back together. That I was going to survive.

  Now I want even more. I want to live.

  The only way that will ever be possible is with Con. I will get him b
ack. I will fight for his love. He deserves that, he fought for over ten years.

  Now it’s my turn.

  This is where it begins.

  For the next hour I sit and stare out of my window, knowing what I want to do, but not sure how to pull it off.

  Soph pops her head in. “I’m so glad to see you up and about, even if it is staring into space sitting in a wet towel.” She frowns at me and I giggle internally.

  “Thank you for looking after me, Soph. You know I love you, right?” I reply.

  She nods and tears fill her eyes. “Pea, I want you to be happy. I really thought he’d have come around by now. He’s ignoring everyone.” She sits on my bed and reaches across to grab my hand.

  “If there’s no way forward for the two of you then what hope do the rest of us have?” she says on a shaky breath.

  “Don’t worry, you will have your slice of happiness, Sophie Rawlings. That’s a promise,” I whisper and pull her to me holding her close.

  After a while, she slips out of my room and I grab my phone. Having decided what I need to do, I make a phone call to confirm that my destination will be open tonight.

  Then I send possibly the scariest text ever.

  Me: Brighton Seafront. AbsoluteRetro. Be there at 7pm. I’m using my last voucher.

  I press send and wait for a reply. After ten minutes and nothing, I hang my head and hope to hell that Con decides to honour his birthday present to me all those years ago and that he’ll turn up tonight.

  I stare at the text for at least ten minutes. It’s strange. I was at Brighton seafront last night.

  I access the web and look up the place she’s asked me to meet her. I never thought in a million years that she would come to me, let alone use the last birthday voucher I gave her seven years ago.

  One call with this voucher and I’ll come to you. No matter what.

  I know I still love her. You can’t switch that off just because you’re pissed with someone, no matter what they’ve done to fuck things up. I now need to work out if I want to be a part of fixing this… or destroying it forever.

  I arrive at AbsoluteRetro an hour early, just to calm my nerves. I’ve never felt this nervous inside one of these places before.

  It’s probably a cheap shot trying to win him back this way. Taking something that was ours when we were starting out and using it to make him see the promise of us again. But I’m not beneath taking cheap shots. Hell at this point, I’ll take any shot possible just to be near him.

  I watch the different personalities get up on stage and sing. I love singing, it’s such a release. My pent up emotions need that tonight. Soph just about burst when I told her what I was doing. She wanted to come with me, but I explained that this was something I needed to face alone. I had to show Con he was worth fighting for. That I loved him to my bones. I had already been up to the manager and told him what song I wanted and that I wanted it a little after seven. In the meantime, I try to enjoy the music and people singing songs I’ve heard a million times, just not through their voices.

  I glance down at my phone. No messages or missed calls, but it is 7.05 p.m. I look around hoping that maybe he’s here, maybe he hasn’t spotted me. My eyes flit from table to table, but none of the people occupying them are him. I stare into my glass trying to keep it together and a lone tear escapes and plops into my drink. The person currently singing ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ finishes and the meagre crowd claps. Shifting on my stool, I hear the first few notes of ‘Iris’ by The Goo Goo Dolls start and I freeze.

  Con used to sing this, when he realised how much of an important role singing played in my life. How it made me feel like I was flying, releasing everything I had pent up inside of me. He did something that anyone who truly loves someone would try to do – involve themselves. So he joined me. Getting up on stage with me and then eventually on his own, sometimes even with Saul, when we could rope him in.

  Con always sang this song to me. Back then I think it was more about the first part and how I made him feel. I look up at the stage and see him staring at me singing, his face blank, I think now it’s more about the second half of the song. More about me knowing him. Either way, he’s here and I can feel my palms getting sweaty and my heartbeat picking up.

  When the song ends the crowd roars and he makes his way over to me, just as he arrives the announcer calls, “Pearson Amberry?”

  Con looks down at me. “Go,” he says nodding to the stage.

  I pull my shoulders back and decide to show him how I feel. I climb up onto the stage and clasp the mic, the music starts and I close my eyes for just a moment while I release the first few notes. And then I resolve myself, open my eyes and stare straight at Con, hoping he can see all the love I have for him in them. I let the words of Madonna’s ‘Rain’ flow hoping that it will pierce through the shell he has in place.

  Before I realise it the song has finished. I exit the stage to applause and make my way over to him. We stare at each other for what feels like forever then he brings his hand up and brushes my stray hair behind my ear. I grab his hand before it leaves my face.

  “I love you, Con. Always.” I can see the muscle in his cheek working and I have no idea what to expect.

  “We need to talk, not here, come on,” he says, grabbing my hand and taking me outside. We cross the road to the seafront. As we near the sea, I stop and jerk his hand back in mine, he spins around and takes a step toward me.

  “You’re the only person who has ever hurt me,” he says and I flinch at his words. “But you’re also the only person I’ve ever loved with every thread of my existence. You already own my past and there is no future where you don’t exist. Standing by my side, and laying in my bed. I want to look into your eyes every day and see the love I feel for you reflected back at me, I want to know that I’m everything you will ever want… ever need. I can’t fall at the first hurdle and let you down when you need me to stand next to you… to stand with you and help you fight for us. But precious, I’ll tell you now, you won’t need to fight because I’m yours. I always have been. And you’re mine. Permanently.”

  The tears come in waves, matching the sea’s gentle noise and as I look up at him he wipes them away with his thumbs.

  “I know I’ve been a dick.”

  I try to shake my head no, to tell him that I was the one keeping the secrets, but he cups my face with his hands and holds me still.

  “Yes, you should’ve told me. Yes, that hurt. I have gotten over that though and although I haven’t been in your shoes, I’m not so much of a dick that I don’t see how sometimes circumstances can overtake a particular situation. Of course, I expect you to be honest with me in future, but I don’t need to ask you to because I know that you will. The part I needed to come to terms with was you expecting me to be angry or blame you somehow for having the miscarriages. I dealt with it badly. After reflecting on the situation and a few shitty texts from Saul telling me to pull my head out of my arse, I realised that you were never questioning what you thought my reaction would be, not really... what you were really doing was projecting your fears onto me. You blame yourself, you always have.” He stops talking as a sob racks my body and I dip my head. He’s always known me so well, and this conversation is painful to say the least. He pulls me into a hug and continues talking into my hair, “What you have to realise is that you’re not to blame. Shit happens, and someone pays the price. I’ll always love you, as my person and as the mother of my unborn children.” He catches me as my legs give way and he lowers us both to the ground sliding me onto his lap. We sit there listening to both the sea and my gentle sobbing while he rubs my back and holds me.

  Through my tears, I look up at him. “You’re everything I need to be free. You fill all my darkness and make me complete. I’ve loved you forever, and I’ll love you… always.”

  “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, precious. Now, right here, I hold my world and I’ll continue to hold you always… that’s a promise.”

&nb
sp; I can feel the floor hard and cold on my knees. I should’ve had carpet laid down on this floor ages ago. I just couldn’t stand to touch anything, to move it. I just didn’t want to face it before.

  Now?

  Well now, this is the last piece remaining in the puzzle of putting myself back together.

  It’s now the end of January, Con and I have been more than strong for nearly three months, to the point where he’s now living with me. It’s quick, we know this, especially after everything that’s happened, but we sat down and talked it out. Life has handed us some pretty shit things. The kind of things that really do push you to the edge and make you aware that life is fragile and not forever. Time is sometimes your enemy. Con and I have travelled roads together and apart. We know who we are and we know what we want. So he pushed for us to live together and I couldn’t see a reason why we shouldn’t. However, I’m still me so that being said, I wouldn’t allow him to sell his house. Not just yet. I told him if we’re still living together in a year – which we will be, he’s not escaping me… ever, then he will have my agreement that he should sell it. Although honestly now, I think I’d be good with him selling it tomorrow.

  Soph is still here. We had a beautiful Christmas. It was just Con and me on Christmas morning as Soph said she was sleeping in. I think she probably just wanted to give us some alone time. We opened presents and I gasped when I saw that Con had bought me a beautiful locket. I want to assume its silver, it’s probably platinum, but I decided not to ask as I would’ve felt the need to moan at him for spending his money on me and that’s not what you want to hear at Christmas. The locket’s round with a star engraved on the front. I opened it and felt the emotions take over as I looked at two pictures of beautiful, loving faces, Mum on one side and Gran on the other.