Texting Box Set: The Complete Series
Page 47
Python: I did not.
Python: You’re going to tell me you’re some unicorn and don’t have a single social media account, aren’t you?
Me: Yes.
Python: HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
Me: I didn’t grow up with access, remember?
Python: I know, I know, but you’re a grown-ass woman. You can do what you want now.
Me: Like choose not to use any social media?
Python: Ooooo. Robbie 0, Monty 1.
Me: More like Monty 13548.
Python: Someone’s exaggerating.
Me: Am I really, though?
Python: It makes me feel better if I believe you are.
Me: So you’re admitting that I’m winning by A LOT?
Python: Let’s just move back to what we were talking about before.
Me: Uh huh. *chants* Monty, Monty, Monty!
Python: ANYWAY. I have to admit, I kind of like that you don’t do the whole social media thing. It’s…refreshing. Most people are so busy looking for that picture or counting the likes on their latest update that they forget to live.
Me: I feel the exact same way.
Python: Plus, without being attached to your phone, you get to miss all the Game of Thrones spoilers.
Me: SEE? Maybe I’m not so crazy after all.
Python: Whoa, calm down. I wouldn’t go that far.
Python: Kidding.
Python: Kind of.
Python: Also, Robbie 1, Monty 13548.
Me: YOU ADMIT IT! *screenshot*
Python: Are you going out to Lola’s tonight?
Python: Asking for a friend…
Me: No. Me being at Lola’s last weekend was a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Me: Are you going to Lola’s?
Me: Not asking for a friend. I’m curious is all.
Python: My friend was going to go if you were going be there but now he’s just gonna stay in, catch up on sleep. Kids are exhausting.
Me: Tell me about it.
Me: How is that, by the way—being a single dad and all?
Python: Hard. Rewarding. Exhausting. Fulfilling.
Python: He wasn’t planned, in case you were wondering. I’ve never been married, so he’s not from a previous marriage. People always ask that.
Me: Oh. Well, that’s good to know, I guess.
Python: And his mom and I are on good terms too. No drama there. We co-parent the shit out of this kid, so you don’t have to worry about our banging encroaching on “her” space or whatever.
Me: Um, also good to know…I think.
Me: I love how you can always throw your banging plans into any conversation.
Python: Just keeping the idea fresh in your mind.
Python: Also, hold up a second, MY plans? I thought you wanted to bang too?
Me: I have remained safely on the “we’ll cross that bridge when and IF we get there” side of things since the beginning.
Python: That’s not a no.
Me: Not a solid yes, either.
Python: Same-same dif.
Me: What?
Python: Nothing. Something Zach says.
Me: This Zach guy sounds interesting…
Python: But not more interesting than me, right?
Python: RIGHT, MONTY?
Python: Monty…?
6
Monty
Python: I just wanted to clear the air here—I’m never going to forgive you.
Me: Give it a rest, Robbie! It’s been two days!
Python: NEVERRRRR!
Python: You fell asleep on me. AT 6PM. ON A SATURDAY! You practically called me boring.
Me: I did not.
Me: And don’t you dare do that same-same dif thing again.
Python: *smirks*
Me: *rolls eyes*
Python: But my smirk was hot, right?
Me: Go work!
Python: Fine.
Me: I’m bored. I want to chat and you’re my only friend.
Python: You know, the way to my heart is telling me how much you missed me.
Me: Fine. I missed you.
Python: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: Gee, thank you for the picture of your face.
Python: What? You said you missed me.
Me: Ugh.
Me: Also, are you still at work?
Python: Yeah. The youth center stays open late on Wednesdays. We’re trying to get an all-nighter thing going on for anyone who really needs it, but right now all the kids just have our personal numbers in case they need any help or need to talk to someone.
Me: That’s awesome.
Python: That’s what I am, awesome.
Me: What time do you get off?
Python: Why? You want me to swing by?
Me: Don’t you have to go be a dad or something?
Python: First, I’m ALWAYS a father, not just when I’m at home. Second, no. He’s at his mom’s this week.
Me: This week?
Python: Yep. We do an every-other-week thing, that way we aren’t rushed for time with him.
Python: We’ll trade random days here and there too. Like Saturday, for example—I should have had him, but there was something his mom wanted to take him to, so she got him. We’re lax about it.
Me: It’s great you two have such a solid relationship.
Python: It wasn’t always this way, but yeah. I’m glad we’re in a good place now.
Me: Were you together long?
Python: We were never really together.
Me: Explain that, please.
Me: Then I’ll tell you all my juicy relationship drama.
Python: See, what had happened was…
Python: That was funny. Laugh.
Me: HAHA
Python: Good. It was a one-night stand…or at least it was supposed to be. She got pregnant and we tried hard to give things a go, but nothing stuck. I won’t lie, we’ve been together several times over the years, always trying to make something work for our spawn, but it never has. So, we finally called it what it is and decided it was over. She has a new boyfriend now who I really like and he’s good with the kid, so I’m happy for her.
Me: That’s really mature of you, Robbie. I like that.
Me: Also, you made me laugh really hard when you called him your spawn.
Python: That’s my favorite comic book hero, so I’ve called him that since birth.
Me: Er, spawn is a comic book hero?
Python: Get on Amazon. Right now. Download all the comics. Buy the movie. NOW.
Python: NO WAIT. I’ll just come over. I’ll read you the comics, touch your butt, watch the movie, do some heavy petting, and then we can discuss and bask in the glory that is Spawn, the greatest antihero ever.
Me: Very subtle on the butt-touching.
Python: What? Me? *blinks innocently*
Me: I’ll get on Amazon now if it’ll make you happy.
Python: Immensely.
Python: Don’t forget to text me your address.
Me: MONTY ANDREWS HAS SIGNED OFF
Python: Get your technology right at least!
Python: Now, what about your drama?
Me: Well, now I don’t want to tell you. It doesn’t end up all hopeful and positive like yours. It’s sad.
Python: A deal’s a deal, Monty.
Me: Fine. Girl meets guy. Girl falls for guy. Girl won’t, uh, give it up, so guy sleeps with everyone who isn’t her. She doesn’t find this out until AFTER they’re engaged. It’s tragic and heartbreaking, so she packs her bags and moves across the country.
Python: Holy fuck. That IS sad.
Python: Also, I want to punch that asshole.
Python: I’m sorry you had to go through that. But, hey, bright side to all this…YOU MET ME!
Me: So you keep reminding me with the incessant texting.
Python: You love it.
Me: I plead the fifth.
Python: That’s always code for yes.
Me: He asked again.
Python: Show him this…
Python: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: Really? A picture of you flexing?
Python: What? I want him to see his competition.
Me: *sighs*
Me: I told him I had to go pick up tampons and left.
Python: You’re never going to get your place decorated at this point.
Me: Probably not.
Python: So…did you save the pic or what?
Me: *glares*
Python: What do you think about a kid having a pet?
Me: This is extremely random.
Me: It’s fine as long as they take responsibility for it. We had a farm in Montana, so we spent a lot of time with animals at an early age and learned how to care for them.
Python: You’re a farmer too?
Python: This just keeps getting better and better.
Me: It was a very small farm. We only had a few goats and horses.
Python: Goats? Oh man, you’d really love Zach then.
Me: He has goats?!
Me: You should just go ahead and give me his number now. Might as well give up on us. Goats are my weakness.
Python: You are literally never meeting him. Ever.
Me: We’ll see.
Me: (Also, I’m teasing. He’s in a relationship and I’m not trying to step on any toes.)
Python: I love that you felt the need to clarify all that. You’re so…sweet. It’s cute.
Python: But, yes, I know you only have eyes for me.
Me: That is NOT what I said.
Me: Let me guess, “SAME-SAME DIF”?
Python: *zips lips shut*
Me: Ughhhh.
Me: Why’d you ask me about pets?
Python: Because my son wants one and I’m considering it.
Python: I really just wanted an excuse to text you again, not gonna lie.
Me: Oooh! What does he want? A cat? A dog?
Python: A bunny.
Me: No way! Bunnies are SO cute! DO IT!
Python: But they poop.
Me: Everybody poops. Except girls. We don’t do that.
Python: Riiiiight.
Python: I’ll take him to look, maybe. I have a friend who has a rabbit rescue habitat. Maybe he’ll be able to help us decide.
Me: You have a friend with goats AND a friend with bunnies? Please, please, please give me a number here!
Python: Watch it, missy. I’ll start taking your begging for numbers seriously soon.
Me: Oh, you weren’t already? Oops.