I Had to Let You Go

by Emma Quinn

  “Los Angeles!”

  “Yes, of course. All you have to do is say the magic word, yes and you'll be on a flight first thing tomorrow.”

  “I can't do that!”

  Lloyd froze, the enthusiasm dissolving from his face.

  “You can't? Why?”

  Quick! Think of something. You can't tell him why you really can't work with Ethan.

  “Because I can't take Luca out of school!” I replied, thinking on my feet. “And I can't leave him behind in New York.”

  A hardness entered Lloyd's eyes that set me on edge.

  “Oh...” he replied, his voice sharing no trace of the friendliness it held only moments ago. “That's quite a shame.”

  He moved his eyes toward the wall that connected to Tony's office.

  “I had really rather hoped you would have jumped at the chance.”

  Jump at the chance? I felt as though I was going to barf at just the thought. I couldn't just up sticks and move to LA let alone see Ethan again. That was madness!

  “I'm sorry,” I said. “I just can't. The timing is all wrong.”

  “I understand,” he said, smoothing down his pants and standing up. “I'm really very sorry you can't accept the offer. I suppose I will have to look elsewhere to find a senior partner. It had been suggested by one of my advisers that I ask Tony but...”

  “Tony?”

  The thought of him making senior partner instead of me made my blood boil.

  “Yes...”

  I was starting to feel a desperation creep up on me. I had dreamed of making senior partner since I'd arrived at the company. Could I really let that dream slip through my fingers because of Ethan? How could he still be affecting my life like this?

  “I have to ask.” I said, trying to calm down my thoughts. “Is there another way I could make senior partner? Perhaps I could-”

  “No,” Lloyd replied forcefully. “You take the assignment in LA, or you lose the opportunity.”

  Fuck! No! This can't be happening! All I've ever wanted was to make senior partner!

  “Will you reconsider your answer?” asked Lloyd as he reached the door.

  He loitered for a moment, giving me my last chance to say what he wanted to hear. But as much as I wanted to yes, I just couldn't get the word out. I couldn't work with Ethan again. And I couldn't take Luca all the way to LA. It was out of the question.

  “I won't reconsider,” I said, regretfully, feeling my stomach sink. “I'm terribly sorry.”

  “Very well,” sighed Lloyd. “I've got to say I'm very surprised at this. I suppose I was wrong about you.”

  And with that parting comment that cut right through me, he departed and slammed the door. I could hear him walking toward Tony's office. Looking through the blinds of the window, I saw him approach his door and raise his hand to knock.

  You're going to pass up the opportunity of a lifetime!

  And because of what? Your past with Ethan?

  You can't let him take this opportunity away from you.

  You have to make senior partner. If you don't that asshole Tony will!

  “Wait!” I yelled, ripping open the door. “I've reconsidered.”

  Lloyd's hand froze halfway to the door in suspended animation.

  “I'll go to LA,” I said. “I'll leave as soon as I can.”

  Lloyd lowered his hand and smiled.

  “I'm pleased,” he said. “I knew you wouldn't pass up the chance.”

  But instantly, I was starting to regret my decision as my stomach did somersaults.

  For the first time in almost eight years I was going to have to see him again.

  8

  Ethan

  “ O

  kay, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I'm glad you're not with Mila anymore. She was nothing but drama. That and she had an ego the size of the fucking moon.”

  “Wow, Gary. Don't hold back,” I joked. “Why don't you come out and say what you really mean.”

  “And,” he continued. “She was nowhere near as hot as she thought she was.”

  “Shut up. You really think she wasn't hot?”

  “Nah,” said Gary with a shake of his head. “The whole arrogance thing made her ugly. Not to mention it was all fake anyway.”

  “No, it wasn't!” I laughed. “She was all natural.”

  He shot me a look to tell me he clearly thought I was an idiot.

  “Ethan. Listen to me. I've been around the world a few times, and I've been with a lot of women. I mean a lot of women. Not to mention I spend my entire life taking care of Hollywood A listers' bodies. I know what plastic surgery looks like when I see it.”

  I looked down into my bottle of beer and thought of Mila. Since she'd left last night, I'd been waiting for the heartache to take hold. Waiting for the moment when all my emotions came crashing down on me and I regretted telling her to leave. But so far it never happened. If anything I was happier than I'd been in months. Maybe even years.

  “I could always tell you never liked her,” I said. “There were always weird vibes when you were in a room together.”

  Gary knocked back the last of his beer and slammed down his bottle.

  “You're right. I always thought she wasn't good enough for you.”

  Reaching for his phone, I saw a serious expression fall across his eyes.

  “But there's something else,” he said pushing his phone toward me. “I take it you haven't seen this.”

  “What is it?”

  “Just look.”

  I took the phone and looked down at the screen. At first I wasn't sure what I was looking at it. It appeared as though Mila was on beach in a bikini with some geriatric.

  “Who the hell is that?” I asked, looking at the old man in the photo. “And where did you get this?”

  “It's all over the celeb blogs,” he said. “It was taken this afternoon. Seems as though she's moved on from you pretty quick.”

  “Moved on from me to a guy that looks ready to have a coronary?”

  I couldn't help but laugh. The whole image seemed absurd.

  “I mean, Jesus. What was she thinking?”

  “She was thinking about money, I'd imagine,” said Gary. “The guy's an oil tycoon. Billionaire”

  “That explains it. Well, he's welcome to her,” I chuckled.

  “Could you imagine cuddling up to a wrinkle bag like that?” shuddered Gary. “Makes me need another drink. You want another?”

  “No. I'm good. What is this stuff anyway? It doesn't taste of anything.”

  “Low alcoholic beer,” he explained.

  “I thought it tasted like garbage.”

  “Hey, the studio would kill me if they found out I was giving you proper beer. What with the high sugar content.”

  “I'm sick of talking about the studio,” I moaned. “It's like they rule my whole life.”

  “They do. Anyway, I'm heading back to the bar.”

  Gary slipped off his stool and pushed his way through the VIP lounge toward the bar where a glamorous bartender with pink hair giggled and tossed her hair over her shoulder.

  It felt as though half the room had their eyes on him and his muscles. And the other half had their eyes on me. When he'd suggested I forget about Mila with a drink, only this place came to mind.

  The Ursula Lounge, set half a mile south of Mulholland Drive, was a hidden gem in a city where every bar fought to be more well known than the next. But there was a simple saying about The Ursula. If you hadn't heard of it, you just weren't famous enough.

  Set behind what looked like a lock up garage to anyone from the outside, you could only get in with a password that was changed every three hours. I, of course, was texted the password by the bar owner who held a series of famous actors, models and musicians on his favorites list.

  It was the first time I'd been out with just Gary in a long time. It always felt as though Mila was intent on hanging off my arm most of the time, and going out without her? That was strictly fo
rbidden.

  It felt good to just chill and kick back with a few beers. Even if they did taste like piss. I looked around the room and felt the bass from the music reverberate up through the floor. Over at the table beside me, a group of models were clumped together.

  It seemed as though they couldn't go twenty seconds without taking a selfie. And when they weren't doing that, they were glancing over at me desperate to get my attention.

  But the last thing I wanted to do was get the attention of another woman. Especially a model.

  Turning my back to them, I ignored their giggling and looked down at my phone.

  “Excuse me,” came a high pitched voice that was more like a squeak.

  I looked over my shoulder to see Queen Bee of the models sidling up to me as her drones looked on.

  At least six foot tall and dressed in a gold shimmering dress that clung to her curves like a second skin, she rocked her hips from side to side as she walked and smiled. I found my eyes drifting over her platinum blonde hair and glowing, tanned skin.

  Yep, she's a real stunner. The only problem is that she knows it.

  And she wants everyone in the room to know it too.

  I could almost see her enormous ego ooze out of her. She was looking at me as though she was expecting me to just drop to my knees and worship her. I supposed that was what all the other guys did. Well, not me.

  “Any chance I could get a picture with you?” she asked, holding up her phone.

  “I don't think so.”

  She stared daggers through me and pouted.

  “You won't... take a picture with me?” she raged.

  “I don't do selfies,” I said. “Especially not with fans. You have a good night now.”

  She stormed off in a huff like a spoiled three year old and returned to her friends.

  “Asshole,” she snarled over her shoulder as she strutted off.

  I couldn't help but laugh.

  “What was all that about?” asked Gary, returning to the table.

  Despite my protests, he'd brought me another beer and slid it over to me as his eyes flicked over to the table of models.

  “If my mind isn't deceiving me, I think I just saw you turn down supermodel Bella Devali.”

  “You're damn right I did. Seriously, I'm never dating a model again.”

  “Famous last words.”

  “I mean it. The next woman I meet has to be smart and down to Earth. And hardworking and independent too.”

  “That's quite the checklist. Anything else you want to add? Must have a PhD in astrophysics and can make Hollandaise sauce from scratch too?”

  “Christ. Ever thought about dialing down the sarcasm? Anyway, I don't remember you being a genius at relationships. As long as I've known you your longest lasting relationship was two weeks.”

  “And what two weeks those were. If you must know, I'm more of a fun guy. Prefer to keep things short, sweet and full of passion.”

  I watched him as he drank. Noticed the lines around his mouth and the haunted look in his eyes he sometimes got when he thought no one was watching.

  He had at least fifteen years on me, but sometimes it felt as though we were light years apart from one another. He had squashed ten lifetimes into his life compared to me.

  “You never feel like settling down?” I asked him. “You know getting married and having kids?”

  “Oh, I've got kids.”

  “You have kids? You've never mentioned them before.”

  Guiltily, he looked down and drummed his fingers along the table.

  “Yeah, I got kids all around the world,” he said. “Not that I ever see them.”

  “What? You just... Up and left?”

  “Something like that.”

  I was starting to see him in a whole new light. In my mind he had always been so respectable. He was a military guy, a man of honor. He wouldn't just sew his wild oats and run away, would he?

  “I was young and naive,” he explained, seeing the expression on my face. “And in those days when I was fighting in the special forces, I was always under the impression I had to live a fast and fun life. After all, I could get blown up by a fucking land mine the next day. May as well have the time of my life and live it up.”

  He took a long gulp of his drink and winced at its taste.

  “I regret it now of course,” he continued. “Left a trail of broken hearts in my path. But hey, at least those children, wherever they are, are the best looking sons of bitches this planet has ever known.”

  He laughed, a little too loudly, and I guessed it was to hide his pain.

  “Say, you ever want to settle down and marry and all that shebang?” he asked. “Or are you just gonna stay the Hollywood bachelor?”

  “I'd love children,” I said. “My only regret in life is that I haven't had them already.”

  “Really? Forgive me for saying this, but I never really imagined you as a family man.”

  “Why?”

  I couldn't help but be offended. I could be the best family man if I wanted. I could do it all; change nappies, go to play parks, bottle feed them and take them to dance recitals. I could do all that shit!

  “I dunno,” said Gary, swirling his beer around the bottom of his bottle. “It's just I thought that stuff would be too boring for you. I mean you spend most your time blowing shit up in movies and being a total bad ass. Couldn't imagine you spending your nights changing dirty diapers.”

  “Hey! I'd happily give up all the explosions in the world to change diapers.”

  Gary laughed again and shook his head in disbelief.

  “You're nuts,” he said. “You're living the dream already. Why would you want to ruin it all with a kid?”

  9

  Sophia

  “ H

  i, Luca!”

  “Hi, Mommy!”

  After a long flight, just seeing his face on the screen was enough to give me the energy I needed to get through the rest of the day. He grinned through the phone screen, waving madly while Emily squashed herself in behind him.

  I could see them both on her couch. Behind them, a chaotic spillage of all his toys and drawings lay strewn across the entire room.

  “Wow, I've only been gone since this morning but it looks as though you've wrecked the place already,” I laughed.

  “He's been having a lot of fun,” said Emily, her voice crackling as the crappy reception broke up.

  For a second, both their faces distorted then returned to normal with a glitch and a series of clicks.

  “Where are you?” asked Luca. “It looks busy.”

  “I'm in the lobby of my hotel in LA,” I said. “See?”

  I held up the phone and walked around in a circle to show him. The two of them oohed and ahhhed in awe as they took in the sight of the long, marble staircase and the golden walls.

  “Wow, McSweeney and Sons know how to treat their staff,” said Emily. “How fancy.”

  “It's very fancy,” I agreed. “But I'll only be here for a couple days until my apartment is sorted out.”

  “You're getting an apartment?” squealed Luca.

  “Well, obviously. Where else are you going to live as soon as school finishes for summer?”

  If it was possible, he grinned even wider, his eyes shining bright.

  “I can't believe you're going to be living in Los Angeles,” said Emily.

  Despite Luca jumping around in front of her, I could see the sadness on her face.

  “I'll be coming back,” I assured her. “And you're coming too, remember?”

  “That's not what I meant.”

  She paused for a second and tapped Luca on the shoulder.

  “Hey, Squirt. Do you fancy going into the kitchen to get the ice cream?”

  “Ice cream!” he yelled back.

  “Yep! Bring the chocolate chip.”

  He dashed off screen at record speed. In the background, I could see him slide into the kitchen in his socks before crashing into the refriger
ator.

  “I'm sorry,” I said. “He's always like that. The only time he's not screaming and running around is when he's asleep. And he still manages to chat non stop then.”

  “It's okay,” smiled Emily. “It's really great having him around. It's like a great big sleepover.”

  “I swear to God you're an actual angel looking after him while I'm out here,” I told her. “I couldn't live without you.”

  Her eyes darted over to the kitchen to make sure Luca was still in there.

  “What's up?” I asked, seeing her expression.

  She nibbled on her thumbnail for a second before anxiously glancing back at Luca.

  “I'm just worried this isn't a good idea.”

  “What? Luca staying at yours?”

  “No. You working with Ethan,” she whispered into the phone.

  “Believe me, I'm just as worried as you are. My stomach's been in knots all day. It's going to be so weird seeing him again after all this time.”

  “And he's famous now too. He'll probably be a total jerk.”

  “I was thinking that. What if he doesn't remember me?”

  “Why wouldn't he remember you?” asked Emily. “You were in love with each other.”

  “But that was years ago in his past life when he still lived in crappy Pikeville. He's big Hollywood Ethan now. He's probably pushed his childhood right out his head.”

  “Nonsense,” said Emily. “He'll remember you.”

  The rush of footsteps sounded as Luca came running out the kitchen with a tub of ice cream in his arms and two spoons pinched between his teeth.

  “Don't you think it'll be weird,” she whispered before he returned to her side. “I mean what if Ethan bumps into the two of you. He'll see Lucas right away, put two and two together and instantly make four.”

  “Who'll see me?” asked Luca as she jumped onto the sofa.

  “No one,” said Emily and ruffled his hair. “Your mommy and me were just having a grown up chat.”

  He wrinkled up his face and yelled “Boring!”

  Then proceeded to tear the lid off the ice cream.

  A sinking feeling came over me as I watched him. She was right. Once Luca came out to LA then there was every chance that Ethan might see him.