I Had to Let You Go

by Emma Quinn

  “Good,” he said, smiling gently. “It looks worse than it is. The new medication that Dr. Foster got me on is really helping. I’m just tired these days.”

  “At least that’s good news,” Anna smiled.

  Daisy came in with a tray of coffee, mugs, and homemade gingersnaps, her long blonde ponytail swinging behind her as she walked. While Daisy and Anna looked so similar they were often mistaken for twins, Daisy had always been the home-maker of the two. And it was only thanks to her willingness to stay home and look after their father that Anna had been able to go off to college.

  Tom grinned at his two daughters as Daisy poured coffee and mixed in milk and sugar. His was in a lidded plastic travel mug. When he saw Anna’s eyes land on it, he shrugged. “It’s just in case,” he explained. “At least then if my hands give out I won’t pour hot coffee all over myself. But that hasn’t happened yet.”

  Anna gave him a weak smile. It made her heart ache to see her father this way. He’d always been such a strong man. Built like a bear, he’d been a park ranger in nearby Arapaho National Forest. But after his wife’s death, all that had ended. His heart had been broken and his body soon followed suit.

  “Now,” said Daisy, curling up on the couch with her own mug of coffee. “Tell us what’s happened.”

  Anna took a sip her coffee and smiled. Daisy had made it perfectly. Creamy with just a hint of sweetness. Exactly how Anna liked it. In all their nearly six years together, Justin had never bothered to learn how she liked her coffee. “This is delicious,” she said reaching for one of Daisy’s gingersnaps.

  “Don’t avoid the subject,” said Daisy.

  Smiling wryly, Anna took another sip. Then she started her story. “Justin’s been cheating on me,” she said. Her father nearly did lose his grip on his coffee mug that time, but it had nothing to do with his illness.

  “He what?” Tom growled.

  Anna shrugged. “I don’t know how long it’s been going on for. Maybe forever. But at least as long as we’ve been in Williamsburg. Things were really great when we first moved there. I mean, you guys know how happy I was - how much I loved my job, our apartment, Justin. Anyway. About a year ago, things started going downhill. Justin got promoted. It was the first time he’d ever out-ranked me, and it went to his head. He started ordering me around like I was one of his minions and then he’d stay out late and come home reeking of booze and cheap perfume. And when I tried to talk to him about it he’d just get mad. And then, one day…” Anna looked down into her coffee cup, swirling the milky brown around and around. “And then one day he got so mad he…he…he hit me.” Her voice lowered to a whisper. She could hardly bring herself to say it.

  Daisy’s breathed hissed as she gasped. Putting her mug down, she crossed the room and perched on the wide armrest of Anna’s chair. Without saying anything, she put her arms around Anna.

  Leaning against Daisy’s shoulder, breathing in her rose-water smell, Anna felt tears prick her eyes. The last few months had been so horrible – like some waking nightmare – and she’d missed her family so much. Now that she was here, she couldn’t believe it had taken her so long to leave Justin.

  “I’ll kill him,” said Tom. “I’ll shoot his fucking heart out.”

  “You don’t have a gun anymore, Dad,” Daisy pointed out.

  “Thanks, Dad,” Anna smiled. “But it’s okay. I’m here now.”

  “Is that why you quit?” her father asked. “Because of that scumbag? You were a brilliant psychologist, Anna. You can’t let him chase you away from your career.”

  Anna shook her head. “It wasn’t just him,” she explained. “I told my friends, even my commanding officer in the end. But no one believed me. They all knew Justin and loved him. I mean, he is totally charming. They didn’t believe he could do something like that. They thought I was overreacting.” Anna felt Daisy’s arms tighten around her and she leaned into her sister’s protective embrace. “And that’s why I quit. I realized that I didn’t want to work in an environment that didn’t take me seriously. I didn’t want to work with people who didn’t believe me when I said I was being abused. With people who didn’t…who wouldn’t help me. So one day I decided enough was enough. I filed for divorce, dropped off my letter of resignation, packed a bag and left. I didn’t tell anyone I was going. And I hope Justin will get the hint and just leave it at that when the divorce papers arrive in the mail.”

  Her father was rigid with anger and Anna wished she could soothe him. But he would never have accepted anything but the truth, no matter how much it pained him.

  “My brave girl,” he said at last, and Anna could see tears glint in his eyes. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

  Anna smiled at him, reaching out and taking his hand in hers once again. “It’s okay now, Dad. I’ m here. I know you two will never let me down.”

  “You can say that again,” said Daisy angrily. “Just let that creep try to come after you. I’ll shoot him, never mind Dad.”

  Daisy was a peace-loving hippie and had nearly disowned Anna when she’d found out that she was going to work for the military. So her statement made Anna laugh. It felt so good to laugh, so good to feel safe and loved, that Anna’s little chuckle quickly turned into side-splitting hysterics. Her laughter was too infectious to ignore and her sister and father joined in. Soon all three of them were clutching their stomachs, tears rolling down their cheeks.

  “God, it’s good to be home,” said Anna when she finally caught her breath.

  2

  T

  he late summer sun poured in through the kitchen windows as Anna sat at the table, pouring over the classifieds of the local newspaper. Daisy had made fun of her for bothering with the paper, but Anna had kept at it anyway.

  “It’s not like I don’t check the online ads too,” she’d told Daisy. “I’m just being thorough.”

  Daisy had grinned and run a hand through Anna’s long, blonde hair. “You just want an excuse to sit around and nurse a coffee,” she’d teased.

  But they both knew that Anna was doing everything she could to find a new job. She had some savings left over – luckily not in a shared account – but they wouldn’t last long with the price of the medication her father was on. Anna knew that job-hunting took time and that she wouldn’t find the perfect thing right away. But she needed something to keep the family’s head above water. Daisy was good at economising and stretching things, but she wasn’t a magician.

  Anna took a sip of coffee and flipped the page, enjoying the feel of the old-fashioned newsprint between her fingers. Highlighter in hand, she ran down the last line of wanted ads, looking for something – anything – that she could do.

  And then she saw an ad for a live-in nanny and burst out laughing. “Daisy!” she called, giggling to herself. “I’ve found the perfect thing!”

  Daisy came in from the other room, where she’d been cleaning. “Really?” she asked, beaming. But then she saw her sister’s face and knew it was a joke. “Oh, okay, what did you find?”

  “This!” Anna held up the nanny ad. “Don’t you think I’m perfect for it?”

  Daisy read the ad through and frowned. “I mean, you’d actually probably be pretty good at it.”

  Anna blinked. That was not the reaction she’d been expecting. “Oh, come on, Daze,” she said. “It was a joke!”

  “No, I mean it, Anna,” Daisy replied, leaning her hip against the table. “You’ve always been good with kids. And you’ve got a degree in psychology and the patience of a saint. You could totally do that. Plus, they want someone who speaks Spanish, though that shouldn’t be too hard to find around here.”

  “Aw, what? Me? A nanny? But the last time I looked after kids was in high school. Well, and a bit in university for that one prof. But that was years ago.”

  “I’m just saying,” said Daisy as she picked up her cleaning rag and floated out of the room, the smell of rose-water wafting behind her.

  Anna rolled her ey
es. Daisy always did that. Planted a ridiculous idea in your head and then floated off in that airy-fairy way of hers. Anna, who always sounded like an elephant when she walked, had always been jealous of her sister’s grace. Especially when she used it to make a point. Disgruntled, Anna took another sip of coffee but found that it had gone cold.

  “Blech,” she muttered. Folding up the paper and tossing it down the table, Anna went to heat up her cold coffee. “Me, a nanny! Get outta here, Daisy. You’ve let all that patchouli go to your head, you hippie.”

  But Daisy was long gone and didn’t hear Anna’s complaints.

  Over the next few weeks, Anna went to a couple interviews with local companies looking for admin assistants or data imputers, but no one called her back and, if she was honest, none of the jobs had really interested her. None of them had held any challenge or intrigue. She just couldn’t go from helping target and track down terrorists to filing someone’s expense reports. She just couldn’t. But, she was coming to realize, it was that or start working as a waitress. And Anna had had quite enough of that when she was a student.

  Well, said a little voice in her head, you could always go be a nanny. You can’t say that doesn’t present a challenge.

  The problem was, she wasn’t sure it was a challenge she was up for. Could she even be a good nanny? And, more importantly, would the kid’s parents even hire her? It wasn’t exactly like she had a lot of experience in the field.

  But one day, when she got home from yet another uninteresting interview, Anna decided to hell with it. Sitting back down at the kitchen table, she rummaged through the newspapers until she found the one where she’d seen the nanny ad. “Here goes nothing,” she muttered, reaching for her cell phone.

  “Gabriel Nyssen speaking,” a man’s voice answered. His voice was low, smooth, and so elegant that, despite years of working with terrorists, it nearly made Anna lose her nerve right then and there.

  “Hi. Hello,” she stuttered. “My name is Anna Fox. I’m calling about the ad you placed in the Denver Post. For a nanny?”

  “Yes, of course. Thank you for calling.” The voice didn’t get any warmer, but it got slightly less formal and Anna relaxed a little. “Could you tell me a little about yourself, Anna?”

  “Of course…” Anna thought quickly. What to say? “I’ve recently moved home to Boulder. I used to…well, I used to work for the CIA. But I’m looking to change careers.”

  Silence on the other end of the line. “The CIA?” the man repeated.

  “Yes, in anti-terrorism.”

  “And you want to be a nanny?” The man asked, clearly dumbfounded. “I mean, my kid’s not that poorly behaved!”

  Anna couldn’t help but laugh a little, knowing how absurd this all must sound. “I know, I know,” she said. “It sounds ridiculous. Look, to be honest…I needed a change of pace, but I still want to work with people. I want a challenge. I have a degree in psychology and I figured, well, looking after a child would be putting that degree to good use.”

  A low, throaty chuckled on the other end of the line. “I supposed you could look at it that way,” Gabriel Nyssen agreed.

  “And I’m fluent in Spanish,” Anna added quickly. “And Russian, but your ad didn’t say anything about that.”

  Another laugh. “No, I don’t need Anita to learn Russian though, by all means, if she shows an interest, teach her.” He paused and Anna held her breath. “I have to admit that I’m intrigued, Ms. Fox. Why don’t you come in for an interview and we’ll see what Anita thinks? Would tomorrow at two be convenient for you?”

  “Yes, that would be great,” said Anna, unable to believe her luck.

  “Excellent. What’s your address? I’ll have my driver come pick you up.”

  Anna blinked. “Oh, okay. I live at 25th and Forest. 2356 25th.”

  “Excellent. Philip will be by tomorrow at quarter to two for you.”

  “Perfect,” said Anna, wondering what, exactly, she had gotten herself into.

  “I look forward to meeting you, Ms. Fox,” said Gabriel, a hint of laughter still in his voice.

  “Likewise,” she replied. “See you tomorrow, Mr. Nyssen.”

  Hanging up, Anna tossed her phone down into the nest of newspapers in front of her. “His driver is coming to get me!” she said out loud.

  “Whose driver?” Daisy asked, coming in through the French doors just in time to hear her sister’s exclamation.

  “Mr. Nyssen’s,” Anna replied, looking over at her sister. Daisy was carrying an armload of summer squash and Anna licked her lips. Daisy made the best summer squash quiche. “I took your advice. I have an interview for the nanny job tomorrow. And he’s sending his driver to come get me.”

  Daisy raised her eyebrows as she dumped the squash in the sink and ran cold water over them. “Wow,” she said. “I wonder where he lives.”

  “Don’t worry,” said Anna, pushing back her chair and going to help her sister at the sink. “I’ll tell you all details.”

  Daisy laughed. “Well, I should hope so.” Her phone started beeping and she clucked at it. “Can you get that? My hands are wet. It’s just to remind me that I have to pick Dad up from physio.”

  “I’ll go,” said Anna. “You do whatever it is you’re doing. God knows I owe you for all the hard work you’ve done with Dad over the years.”

  Daisy shook her head, smiling at her older sister. “Don’t be silly, Annie. You’ve worked just as hard. After all, you’re the one who’s been bankrolling all of this! But thanks. If you go get him, I can get this quiche in the oven and ready for dinner.”

  “I was hoping you’d say that. I love your zucchini quiche.”

  “I know,” Daisy smiled. “Why do you think I’m making it?”

  Laughing, Anna kissed her sister’s cheek and headed for the door. I should have come home months ago! She thought to herself.

  3

  G

  abriel Nyssen stood in his living room, a glass of Perrier in his hand, looking out at the lake. The mirror-smooth water reflected the deep blue arch of the sky and, around its edges, the long, low ridges of the mountains that ringed it. He didn’t often have time to stand and admire the view but, when he did, it was pure bliss.

  “Dad?” Anita’s voice drifted down from the upper level of the house and he heard the light patter of her feet coming down the wooden stairs. The house had not been built with children in mind – a two-storey, ranch-style house, it was open concept and made mostly of glass, exposed rock, slippery wooden floors, and floating staircases. But Anita had never had a problem with it. She reminded Gabe of a mountain goat, the way she cantered up and down the stairs without a care in the world. “When’s the new lady getting here?”

  “Soon, sweetheart,” he said, turning to smile at his daughter. Anita took after her mother – delicate and dark-haired, but with her father’s pale skin and large, gold-flecked green eyes. Gabe knew that in another few years the house would be overrun with love-struck teenage boys. Anita would be a beauty.

  Coming up to lean against her father’s leg, Anita heaved a hefty sigh. “Well, I hope she’s more interesting than the last one. She was so boring.”

  Anita, although she was only nine, had the attitude of a fourteen-year-old and had no qualms about making her opinion known.

  “You only met her for fifteen minutes,” her father replied. Though Gabe couldn’t really fault her for her opinion: the last candidate he’d interviewed had nearly put him to sleep, never mind rambunctious Anita. “And this one seems a lot more interesting.”

  “You promise?” Anita replied skeptically.

  “I promise. And if you don’t like her, we’ll find someone else.”

  “I wish Nina hadn’t left,” was his daughter’s sulky answer.

  Gabe felt a twinge of guilt at that. Nina, Anita’s last nanny, had left because of him. Ever since his wife, Lourdes, had died three years ago, he hadn’t been very responsible about his love-life. Flitting from woman to woman, he
’d tried to drown his sorrow in whatever beautiful body had come his way – the last of which had been Nina. When she realized that he wasn’t interested in pursuing an actual relationship with her, she’d quit, breaking Anita’s heart in the process.

  Gabriel knew he should have known better than to put his daughter’s happiness at risk for the sake of a brief love affair. And, seeing the distress it had caused Anita, he was determined to get his act together. His grief over his wife’s death had faded over the years to a dull ache rather than a sharp, incessant pain. He knew he needed to stop using it as an excuse.

  “I’m sorry about Nina,” he said, laying his hand on Anita’s head. He hadn’t told her why, exactly, Nina had left. But he had made it clear that it wasn’t Anita’s fault. Nina was one of the few nannies that Anita had actually got along with, making his fling with her even more selfish and poorly-judged.

  Anita sighed. “I’m going upstairs. Call me when the new Nina is here.”

  “I will,” Gabe promised.

  As his daughter disappeared upstairs, Gabe sighed. Carding his fingers through his thick brown hair, he looked out at the lake again. But its beauty didn’t make him feel better. For the past few years, both he and Anita had been acting like hurt children, but only Anita actually was one. Gabe was ashamed of his behaviour, but didn’t know exactly how to fix his or Anita’s broken hearts. Hopefully, with a new nanny, he and Anita would be able to turn over a new leaf - together.

  The security system beeped softly, letting him know that Philip had returned with the car and, presumably, the latest candidate. Ms. Fox. Gabriel was intrigued despite himself. Sure, she wasn’t the most usual of nanny candidates but maybe something unusual was exactly what he and Anita needed in their lives. Besides, she’d sounded young and fun over the phone – not at all like the last nanny he’d talked to.

  Here goes nothing, he thought, finishing off his mineral water.

  Turning his back on the dazzling view, Gabe crossed the living room, then the dining room, took the three steps up into the kitchen in one go, pushed open the sliding door that kept it separate from the rest of the house, crossed through the industrial-sized kitchen, turned right, and loped down the hallway to the front door.