No Wasted Tears

by Sylvia D. Carter

  Shortly after turning onto the street, she noticed a dark sedan in her rearview mirror. If there had been any traffic to speak of she might not have noticed. But there wasn’t. The car had followed her every turn since leaving Tina’s house.

  There was a Mervin’s department store a few miles away so, she decided to stop there. She made the right into the Mervin’s parking lot. Going inside would provide the opportunity to prove that the car wasn’t following her. The idea that it was, she knew, was a bit over the top. She might not have thought anything of it but the self-defense class had mentioned never stopping in dark areas and choosing well-lit areas with heavy pedestrian traffic.

  There was never a reason for her to use any of this, but there was no need to take the chance now. The car drove past slowly as she emerged from her car. She didn’t recognize the make or model, but what was more important than that at the time was he or she had driven on. Destiny relaxed.

  Inside the store, she strolled the aisles looking for nothing, giving herself time to relax her nerves before going home. Maybe it was nothing. She was making too much out of this.

  By the time she pulled into the driveway, she was feeling better. There was a small shadow of something sitting on the front porch. She squinted into the moonlight and stopped the car. Looking around she saw no one so she got out. Someone left a package outside of the house.

  Getting a closer look, she saw it was a small chest. A little timid about opening it, Destiny peaked under the lid. There was a Philip Stein watch with a note attached that read, “One-day at a time.”

  Wow, Adam Wheeler was special. Although she loved the watch the note had the most meaning.

  Chapter 16

  When he awoke, Adam did what he always spent time with God. He prayed, read from his book of meditations and his Bible, and then he went into the bathroom to start his day.

  After he showered, he went into the kitchen to eliminate the hunger pains he was feeling. While eating his bagel and drinking a weak cup of coffee, he couldn’t help but think about the fact that if he had a wife, leaving home without breakfast would be a thing of the past. He had learned to be cautious in relationships. It was best to start off slow. Taking another sip of his weak coffee, he wasn’t really sure of what he was feeling at the moment. But there it was again. As he bit into his bagel the feeling occurred again, only this time his mind instantly thought of Destiny.

  What would she think about him if she knew all of his truths? Would she be kind and understanding? Or would she high tail it out of his life, avoiding him at all cost? The shame of his past mistakes still hurt but it was no longer an opened wound as it had been before. The past couldn’t be changed but it was forgiven, and he knew God had thrown it into the lake of forgetfulness. He was free from that demon now choosing to make the right choices was a weapon he’d come to rely on in his everyday life.

  Getting up from his seat, he put his dirty dishes in the sink. After grabbing his briefcase, he headed to his car. When the garage opened he was greeted with a friendly reminder that he lived in Seattle. Rain was pouring from the dark clouds hovering over him. It wasn’t the greatest weather for the Internet Café, he thought as he navigated through the wet streets. That was all the more reason for him to make it to his meeting at the church. Today would be another day of washing away someone’s past. Sexual addiction was as serious and dangerous as any drug addiction. The Internet Café was saving lives of countless men, women, and families in his community. He didn’t like the fact that he was once bound to it himself, but now seeing how God used his struggle to free others made it all worth going through. Every time someone was delivered, it socked the devil in the face. So the rain didn’t damper his excitement about his monthly meeting. No, he didn’t mind challenges; as a matter of fact he welcomed them.

  After picking up his needed materials he exited his office on the way to his meeting. Turning the corner he caught sight of Alexander, the church secretary, talking to a young woman. After a closer look, he saw it was Destiny. She was hugging Alexander before she turned to enter the door across the hall. He knew that Elder Ford held her Healing Virtue meetings in that room on today. Had Destiny been in an abusive relationship? He didn’t have time to ponder that thought long; he had people waiting on him in the Internet Café.

  Chapter 17

  Destiny didn’t have time to focus on the fact that she’d just seen Adam because she needed to get to her meeting. The tables were all pulled together and she quickly found a seat. After checking her watch she realized that she was about fifteen minutes early. As she sat waiting for the meeting to start, several friendly people stopped to introduce themselves and shake her hand. Some even held short conversations and asked a few questions but nothing invasive. She continued to watch as the group of women followed what she assumed was their normal routine, opening with prayer followed by praise reports of those in attendance.

  “As most of you know, my name is Elder Michelle Ford, and I am one of the pastor’s assistants here at Greater Community. I’m over the Healing Virtue ministry for Domestic Violence. We started this ministry three years ago for the survivors and those dealing with domestic violence. I myself am a survivor.”

  After a slight paused and glance around the room, she continued. “It was my goal to help others who were trying to find their way out of the cycle of abuse be it verbal, physical, or emotional. It may seem like a dark tunnel, but it is one that can be conquered with the help of God. Currently, we have twenty-three women active in our recovery group, and a few of the women have husbands who are involved in our partner recovery group.”

  “Now let’s take this time to go around the room and introduce ourselves.” Destiny noticed how relaxed everyone appeared to be. Turning toward her, Elder Ford said, “Today we want to welcome our newest member.”

  Destiny trembled nervously at the obvious attention she garnered from all those in the room, but when it came to her turn, everyone had such kind eyes and there seemed to be nothing judgmental held in them, only a silent understanding. She introduced herself and turned to Elder Ford who gave her a nod, letting her know she could begin.

  Destiny began speaking with caution at first, tightly holding the information packet she was given. “I have never been through any therapy, so this meeting is a blessing. When I was twenty-two, my life was in the pits because I was raped my senior year in college. Things went from bad to worse when I moved in with a man for all of the wrong reasons, thinking he was going to be my savior. My aunt knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know how to help at the time.”

  She signed before continuing, “I didn’t think I needed all of this.” Using her hands she gestured around the room. “But I was terribly wrong. I always felt I could handle all of these emotions myself.” Her voice quivered, “Even this is uncomfortable and I know I’m really putting myself out here but it doesn’t matter now. I should have gone to the police back then after the rape. I feel really bad because if I had gone to the police, maybe I could have saved some girl from possibly going through what happened to me. Maybe now I can impact someone’s life with my story of survival.”

  “Everything that went wrong after that rape seemed to be my problem, I was the troubled one, I caused the rape. I started blaming myself, falling into what I now know was depression. My roommate was a blessing when she decided to adopt my child. My life changed, all I wanted to do was move on with my life—so I graduated and got a job. I just wanted to escape. Move on, you know?”

  She looked at the faces of the women in the room. “So I latched on to the first person that showed me interest. It was a downward spiral from there.” The woman sitting next to her handed her a tissue.

  “I found myself depending on him to make me happy, learning too late that in order to stay happy, something had to be happening. But on the day he first hit me, I knew this wasn’t the life I was suppose to be living.” She wiped her face with the tissue. “Why is it that we have to be slapped and beaten to r
ealize that?” As she glanced around, she heard other women saying, “Amen, sister,” “I know that’s right.”

  Continuing she said, “In actuality, he slapped some sense into me, and I thank God for that. It took three years before I realized I was going to die if I didn’t leave. I started spending most of my time in my room. I had no friends, because he wanted it that way. It got so bad that I was using pills to sleep and pills to get up in the morning. I foolishly thought I would be able to change him, but it didn’t work. So, I lost many of the friends I could have had because I refused to listen to their words of advise, and on top of all of that, my relationship with my aunt was going down the drain fast.”

  Not saying anything for a few seconds, she watched as the eyes in the room searched her face, understanding her plight. There were some nods from the group members, which seem to relax her a little as she continued speaking.

  “Sure some of my friends told me I needed to leave Stanley and focus on saving my life. But I was focused on making our relationship work, and it was destroying me.”

  She could see everyone was listening intently to what she was saying; the expressions on the faces of the group changed from frowns to tears, letting her know they understood. Everyone in that room had been where she once was. But what pleased her most was when the group walked over to embrace her, letting her know that she was not alone and that they were there to help each other.

  After she finished they went around the room and had a chance to reflect on what each of them had heard from other group members and anything else they wanted to share. At the very end of the meeting they all joined hands and repeated the Lord’s Prayer. This was a powerful moment for her because it was the first time since her rape and the abuse that she felt a common bond with others who’d had similar experiences. She no longer felt alone, like it was just her fighting her demons without any help.

  Elder Ford wrapped up the meeting, letting everyone know that they were expected back in two weeks with their journals in hand. Everyone exited the room with a sense of joy and pride in what had transpired. Elder Ford stopped Destiny on her way out of the meeting.

  “I want to let you know how proud I am of you for sharing what you went through. I think it would be a good idea if we met one-on-one for a few sessions, how do you feel about that?” Elder Ford asked as they walked down the hall.

  Destiny looked at Elder Ford before responding, “One of my close friends suggested the same thing. When would you be available to meet?”

  Elder Ford smiled. “Well, how about Thursday at two o’clock? We can meet in my office?”

  “I’ll be here. Thanks, Elder Ford. I feel better than I have in a long time after today. I want to get my life back and move forward,” Destiny said with enthusiasm.

  Reaching around her back, Elder Ford gave her a squeeze, “With God, Destiny, all things are possible.”

  “Thank you, so much.” And with that, Destiny headed out of the building.

  Chapter 18

  Destiny walked into Bible study on Wednesday evening with a new zeal for her life. She saw Adam’s eyes as he looked out in the audience and saw her. Her insides did cartwheels as their eyes met. Then he looked down at his podium, she assumed getting ready for the lesson he would be teaching.

  He opened the Bible study after a short prayer by saying, “Forgiveness is not a gift to another. It is a gift to you. In Matthew 6:12-15, Jesus says, ‘And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors… For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.’”

  Adam went on to say, “I once hurt myself so deeply by judging myself that I hated the man I had become, I began to say every day, ‘I forgive myself for judging myself.’ That part of me that was hurt sneered and said, ‘Yeah, sure,’ and turned its back on me.”

  It wasn’t just Destiny who was being inspired by what was being said, but everyone in the sanctuary had his or her eyes riveted on Adam. He continued by saying, “It took three months for your pastor to really mean what he said. There was a small spark of joy inside my soul at that point. However, it took another three months to completely win over the judging-myself spirit so that it would support me again.”

  There was a chorus of amens coming from the congregation including hers, because it was just this week that she’d attended her first group meeting for her past abuse and already she had a sense of knowing that everything felt better even if it wasn’t better yet.

  She watched as Adam looked at his congregation. She could tell he was speaking from his heart because his eyes spoke volumes, even if he hadn’t said a word from his mouth. She knew that the Lord inspired this lesson because she needed to forgive her father for not being in her life and all of those she blamed for what had happened to her in the past. As she looked around, she saw Kristen, the young lady who had been with Marvin at the restaurant. She had seen her on some Sunday mornings but never at a Wednesday-night Bible study. She seemed to be in deep thought as he taught.

  “Think about your past,” he said. “Was there ever a time when you did something, even unintentionally, that hurt someone? Often, we are unwilling to forgive others when their actions remind us of our own. Think of how you would have wanted others to forgive you.”

  Destiny knew that was it in a nutshell. How could she ever expect to give forgiveness if she hadn’t forgiven herself? Thinking about it now, Destiny had been seven years old when she began to ask her aunt about her father.

  “Auntie Sara, why don’t I have a daddy like the other kids in my class?”

  Sara looked at her with an odd expression. “Auntie, why are you looking at me like that?” She was scaring her.

  Sara knelt in front of her, speaking softly. “Baby girl, all families are different. You know I told you about your mommy living with Jesus, right?”

  Destiny had bounced those two braids in her hair, acknowledging her question. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Your daddy loves you; he just had a lot of other responsibilities after you were born. So I kept you.” Her auntie searched her face for some kind of understanding as she brushed one of Destiny’s braids out of her face, wiping the lone tear that had fallen.

  “But he’s going to come for you one day real soon.” She pulled her close in a hug.

  Sara stood and kissed her on the forehead, giving her the doll that was lying on the floor beside her. As she walked out of the room, Destiny began to cry softly. So from that day until she turned fifteen, she asked her aunt about her father. But he never came. After a while she stopped hoping. And then she started hating.

  She hated her mother for choosing to live with Jesus and not her and she hated her father for being so weak, not wanting to raise her.

  Her aunt was good to her. She provided her with things other children didn’t have at that time. She always got what she wanted. Sometimes she wondered how her aunt was able to provide for her after closing her club. But she always said her sister left plenty of money to take care of her only child.

  Destiny shook herself out of her reverie. It had been years since she had thought of her father. She pushed the memories of her childhood back to her subconscious so that she could focus on Bible study.

  But it was hard to do especially after going to her counseling with Elder Ford. She knew others saw her as a woman who was smart and confident, with a great career. But it was all a façade.

  Inside she now understood she was still that little girl who wanted people to like her, always trying to please others in hopes that one day her father would return. She had always been the type of person people could depend on. It had worked until her senior year in college when she was raped and met Stanley. Before that people always told her how fun she was to be around.

  Despite all that, she longed for reassurance. And now after her counseling she knew why she was having feelings of loneliness and of inadequacy. She knew th
at’s why she felt like crying for no reason at all. She had tried to hide the reality from everyone, including herself, for all of these years. No matter what outer trapping of success she wore, inside, she was still the uncertain little girl whose daddy had left her with her aunt and had not come back.

  Destiny watched as Adam took a sip from his water and placed it to the side. He looked out at the people who were in the room. “I think this will help to put it all in perspective for some of you. It happened to me. I have made mistakes in my past that I’m not proud of.”

  Why was he looking at her? It was as if he saw right through her after that statement. Then he added, “Fortunately for me, growing up in a Christian household taught me the right way to ask for forgiveness. I have gone before God and my family, sincerely asking for forgiveness. I know that God has forgiven me, as well as most of my family. Isn’t it sad that even now, some of my family members are not only unwilling to forgive but anxious to mention my past sins, my mistakes, over and over again? But it’s funny how God works because sometimes he will show you that the person holding you in condemnation is guilty of the same mistake they choose to keep condemning you for. You have to decide to be at peace with them because you have done the right thing. Your prayer is that they will forgive you and no longer harbor any ill feelings so that they may move on. There is a saying: ‘Acid is more destructive on the vessel in which it is stored than on the object in which it is poured.’ I hope that they will learn to forgive and ultimately find their own inner peace.”

  Closing her eyes, Destiny began to pray like he had just told them in Mark 11:25, “Whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father, who is in heaven, will also forgive you for your transgressions.” Destiny released tears as she prayed; they felt like a flushing out of all the things that were in her past.