Love Online

by Ward, Penelope

  Oh my God.

  The lust consuming me made me feel almost guilty. But I was so damn relieved that he was truly as beautiful on the outside as I believed him to be on the inside. He was almost too beautiful, if there were such a thing.

  He looked nothing like the vague image I’d formed in my head, which was sort of like a silhouette without a clear face but with a brown beard, kind of like a hipster. Not sure why I’d pictured him like that. It was kind of funny how off base I was. This was not what I’d been expecting. Because how could someone so thoughtful, attentive, creative, and considerate be so strikingly handsome that he made me speechless? And it was clear now that his sexy voice absolutely fit him.

  “You’re…” I hesitated.

  “Oh shit.” He laughed. “What are you thinking?”

  “No. No, no, no. Nothing bad at all. I just don’t even know how to articulate it. You’re…beautiful, Ryder. Absolutely beautiful.”

  He let out a breath. “And you’re…handsome, Eden. Very handsome.” His impish grin was so sexy.

  I chuckled. “I know beautiful is an odd term for a man, but you are. All this time you’ve been hiding from me when you’re drop-dead gorgeous. Why?”

  “You really did think I was ashamed of my looks, huh?”

  “Well, I’d be lying if I said that didn’t cross my mind. I wondered if there was something you were self-conscious about. That always made me a little sad. But it never mattered to me, because I’ve been connecting with you on a deeper level.”

  “I think that’s exactly why I didn’t want to change things,” he said. “Why fix something if it ain’t broken?” When I fell silent, he asked, “What are you thinking?”

  A nervous energy overtook me. “Nothing. I’m…still just taking you in.”

  “Okay. Let me know when you’re done so I can stop sucking in my abs.”

  He was surely joking because there wasn’t an ounce of fat on his hard body. He was shirtless, his beautiful skin so tan and toned.

  In a way, I felt like I didn’t know how to act around him anymore. This new insecurity was the only thing I hated about knowing what Ryder looked like. I’d gone through the opposite scenario in my head and felt prepared for how I’d react if he were really unattractive. I knew I would still want him in my life no matter what, because he made me feel good. What I wasn’t prepared for was this scenario. I hadn’t once considered the possibility that I’d be attracted to him, that suddenly my desire for him would expand into the physical realm, that I would want to jump through the screen to touch this man.

  I kept staring at him. Ryder’s hair was a medium brown, cropped and framing his chiseled face perfectly. His eyes were like light blue crystals. Mesmerizing. And now I’d gone from seeing nothing to feeling as though he could see right through me with them. His jaw was peppered with the perfect amount of scruff. I wanted to feel his stubble against my face and taste his lips.

  Jesus.

  I may never get over you now, Ryder.

  “Are you alright?” He smiled. “Still with me?”

  His smile. When he smiled, he had dimples.

  “I’m just getting used to you in a new way.” Getting used to these butterflies. They’re new.

  I had not felt like this in years. He was so right. Things were much less complicated before I knew what he looked like. I’d told myself nothing could happen between Ryder and me “in real life.” Now my attraction to him made what once felt difficult feel impossible.

  “Now it makes sense,” I finally said.

  “She speaks!” he joked. “What do you mean?”

  “You mentioned once that you never have a problem getting women, that your problem is connecting with them. You could have any woman you want. I see that now. They must be falling at your feet.”

  “Ah, yes. So it would make perfect sense then that the one girl I’m into right now won’t even tell me where she lives.” He winked. “Yup, I’ve got it made. So made.”

  I probably should have laughed at that, but I didn’t. It made me sad.

  There were some days I wished I could tell him everything there was to know about my life. He knew so much already, just not the most important thing. I didn’t know everything about him either, but I knew enough to realize our actual lives were so very different, and we could never work outside of this platform. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t yearning for more, especially now.

  “So…is this the part where I dance?” he asked.

  That made me burst into laughter.

  “Dance?”

  “Yeah, you know, now that you can see me, I can entertain you. We can finally have a fully mutually beneficial relationship.”

  “Entertain me, huh? Are you hiding any special talents up your sleeve?” God, everything sounded suggestive now. It was hard not to flirt with him.

  “Well, none that I can demonstrate from here.” He wriggled his brows.

  See? He was totally picking up on it.

  My cheeks felt hot. The dynamic between us was definitely different now. I was blatantly flirting with him and embarrassed at the same time. It was an awkward mix. In a matter of minutes, I’d developed a massive crush on this man. It felt like I was just meeting him for the first time and had forgotten how to speak.

  “Actually, I do have one talent I can demonstrate,” he said.

  “What is it?”

  He leaned in. “Listen closely, okay?”

  I giggled in anticipation. “Okay.”

  Suddenly, I could hear…crickets. Not figurative ones, literal ones. Did he have bugs in his room?

  “Crickets! Where are they coming from?”

  He didn’t answer as the sound continued. Then I saw his lips were moving—barely. It was so subtle that I hadn’t noticed, never considering that it was Ryder making the sound.

  “You’re doing that? It sounds exactly like crickets!”

  He stopped and burst out laughing.

  “It’s frighteningly accurate,” I said, giggling into my hand. “That’s a pretty cool special talent. How did you even figure out you could do it?”

  “One night when I was a kid, I was listening to some crickets outside my bedroom window, and I started mimicking the sound. With practice, I perfected it. On the rare occasion that my father took time off, we’d go camping up in Big Bear, and the crickets would come out at night. I used to get my mother pretty good with it. She could never tell if it was me or them.”

  My cheeks hurt from smiling. “That’s so cute.”

  “Uh-oh. Cute? That wasn’t what I was going for. Maybe I shouldn’t have admitted this.”

  “It is. So cute and innocent.”

  “I may be cute, but I’m definitely not innocent, Eden. Not in any way, shape, or form.

  A chill ran down my spine. Now that I knew what he looked like, I knew that had to be true. He was more of a bad boy, which was ironic because he had inherently good parts.

  A funny thought occurred to me. “You know what? Between your looks and your weird talent, you could totally be a cam dude. You would be so popular. Women would be emptying their pockets. Men, too.”

  “Yeah, but then I’d have to whip out my dick. So there’s that.”

  I burst into laughter. “It would be the opposite of the problem I have.”

  He held out his hands. “Not that I would be ashamed to whip out my dick. I just want to clarify that.”

  “Of course. I’m sure it’s the most beautiful dick I’ve ever seen,” I teased, offering the line we’d previously joked about.

  “Aw, shucks…bet you say that to all the guys.”

  After our laughter dissipated, I resumed staring at him, and he seemed to take notice.

  “Hi.” He smiled.

  I nearly melted. “Hi.”

  “You want me to let you go to sleep?” he asked.

  “I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep now. I’ll be thinking of your face. It’s gonna keep me up.”

  He grinned. “A nightma
re? Or…”

  “No. Far from it.”

  “Now you know how I feel. Every night. I go to sleep thinking of your face…and your voice. Sometimes other things. But mainly how you make me feel.”

  Feeling giddy, I was sure I was blushing. I needed to bow out tonight before I made a fool of myself. I needed to go splash some cold water on my face. Actually, make that an ice-cold shower.

  “You’re right. I’d better go,” I said.

  He lifted his brow. “Same time tomorrow?”

  “Yes. Same time.”

  Neither one of us was willing to be the first to leave. We sat there staring at each other. Truly addicted, I really didn’t want to let him go.

  His breathing got heavier, and he looked like he wanted to ask me something. Finally, he released the question he’d been holding. “Are you with anyone, Eden? We haven’t talked about it. I’ve always assumed you’re single. Maybe it’s none of my business, but I’ve been really wanting to ask you that question.”

  I told him the truth. “I’m not with anyone.”

  He smiled, seeming pleased by my answer, and that was painful for me, because I felt like I’d given him false hope. There was no way we could ever work, and I was starting to think Ryder might be angling for that.

  Knowing my limitations didn’t stop me from wanting him, though. And that certainly didn’t stop my feelings of jealousy. The wheels in my mind had been turning ever since the story he told me earlier tonight.

  “Who’s the girl who broke your heart?”

  Ryder seemed unprepared for my question. Then he let out a long breath. “Her name is Mallory.”

  “She must be beautiful.”

  “Not as beautiful as you,” he whispered.

  I swallowed. He had no idea how much I needed to hear that right now, even though it was foolish of me.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  He looked down for a bit, then said, “We were together for four years. And I screwed things up pretty badly. It’s a long story.”

  I needed to know. “You cheated on her?”

  “No. It was nothing like that.”

  A sigh of relief escaped me. I’d been really hoping he didn’t cheat.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Honestly, not right now. I’ll tell you what happened someday, though. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  He cracked a slight smile, and there we were, staring at each other again, both seeming to have forgotten we were supposed to say goodnight.

  “Tell me something about you that I don’t know, Eden.” When I stayed silent, he said, “I know you want to keep certain things private. I get it. But I’m dying here. I need to know more about you.”

  There was so much he didn’t know that I could have told him. But then what? His little fantasy would be over. That’s what I was to him, wasn’t I? And the fantasy is always better than the reality.

  I decided to share something anyway. “I once had dreams of moving to New York. I wanted to work on Broadway. I was always in musicals in high school, and that’s what I aspired to do. But when my mother died, I lost my way. It never happened for me.”

  He looked sad to hear me say that. “It’s never too late to pursue your dreams. And you’re still young. If there’s something you really want, you should go after it.”

  “I’m not sure what I want anymore. A lot has changed since then. But part of why I love to sing when I’m camming is that it sort of satisfies that itch to perform in front of an audience. Which is ridiculous, I know, because clearly the kind of performing I actually do most of the time is nothing like Broadway. And no one is really there to hear me sing.” I chuckled. “Well, except you.”

  His tone was serious. “It’s not ridiculous. That makes a lot of sense, actually. Thank you for telling me.” He paused. “Why do you do the camming? Is it solely money? Or do you like it?”

  “It’s mostly the money. It would be hard to give that up. It’s more than I can make doing practically anything else without a degree.”

  I’d told him the truth before, that I worked at a restaurant during the day and did the camming at night. Being a cam girl was really exhausting, mentally and physically. While I had the option to do it full time, I couldn’t imagine more than a few hours of it a night. So, I sacrificed money for sanity.

  There was one thing I’d always wanted to confess to him. This seemed like the right time to do it.

  “You were right, Ryder.”

  “About what?”

  “The night you accidentally saw me crying on camera, when I forgot to shut it off after my show—something upsetting did happen in the private chat just before that.”

  He let out a long breath. “Fuck. I knew it.”

  I nodded. “The man who’d ordered it asked me to masturbate for him. Everything was normal at the beginning, and about halfway through, out of nowhere, he started spewing things at me, calling me ‘dirty whore’ and ‘nasty slut’. It wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to me, but the way he did it, coming on strong so suddenly—like Jekyll and Hyde—really freaked me out. I ended the chat, but it really shook me up.”

  “Fuck. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

  “I have to assume I’ll run into a certain amount of assholes.”

  His face was red. “Doesn’t fucking make it right.”

  “Anyway, your email coming in that night—it actually made me cry, but not in a bad way. It made me realize that there are good guys out there who won’t shun me for what I do to make a living. You restored my faith in humanity, even though you didn’t even realize it. I really needed that message.”

  Ryder looked like he didn’t know whether to be happy or sad about what I’d just admitted. “Well, I’m glad I could do that for you. I was genuinely concerned, but I didn’t even know you then. I didn’t know you would become an important part of my days. I can’t ever repay you for bringing me out of the funk I was in.”

  It felt like I should be thanking him. “I didn’t do anything.”

  “You’re a good human. You give of yourself to make others happy, whether you realize it or not. I know you’re doing the camming for the money. But you put your heart and soul into it. You listen to people’s worries. You give real advice that comes from within, and you fucking sing your heart out. You smile when you’re not feeling great because you’re a consummate professional.” Ryder stared off. “I’m sure if I told any of my friends about you, they wouldn’t get it. They’d tell me I was crazy. But if this is crazy, I don’t want to be normal, because I can’t remember a time when I’ve been happier.”

  It felt like his soul was speaking to mine in that moment, because I was happier than I’d been in a very long time, too. My life had been dark for a couple of years, and connecting with Ryder had given me something to look forward to each day, something just for me and no one else. He was truly my guilty pleasure.

  I knew this was going to end badly. It was only a matter of time before he would become tired of the limitations I’d set. His real life would interfere, and corresponding with me online would take a backseat to everything else. What we had would fade away. But even knowing that, I wasn’t going to be the first to let go.

  CHAPTER SIX

  *

  RYDER

  They call it the New York of India. Mumbai was not only the home of Indian filmmaking, it was a mecca of shopping and commerce. Now that I was here, I couldn’t believe I’d ever been dreading this trip.

  “I’m so happy you had some time to call me,” Eden said.

  For the past few days, my schedule hadn’t allowed for any chatting with my favorite cam girl. But I’d finally found a moment to video-call her.

  “I missed you. I had to make time.” It was so good to see her face. It was even more beautiful because I hadn’t seen her for a while, so it was almost like seeing her for the first time all over again.

  “It’s been weird not talking to you. Te
ll me about India.”

  “India’s a whirlwind, but I’m having a blast. This trip has definitely exceeded my expectations so far. I’m in Mumbai, which is the entertainment capital. It’s hot as balls here. I have a tour guide, Rupert. On the first day, he came to pick me up on a motorcycle. So that’s how I’ve been getting around—on the back of this little scrawny dude’s bike.”

  “Wow. Be careful.”

  “Yeah, we got caught in a monsoon the other day. That wasn’t really all that fun. The traffic flow is crazy here. I have never seen anything like it. It’s gonna be a freaking miracle if I make it home alive.”

  She cringed. “Oh my God. Don’t say that!”

  “I’m joking—sort of.”

  “But you’re having a good time?”

  “More than I thought I would, yeah. It’s been busy during the day, though, which is why I couldn’t break away for the past few days to chat. It’s been meeting after meeting. And at night, Rupert’s been showing me around, taking me to all the hot spots. Yesterday he took me on a walk along the Arabian Sea. It was pretty damn amazing. I thought of you a lot on that walk.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, I thought about how you remind me of the ocean, a vast mystery.”

  Eden was smiling, but it didn’t seem genuine. Something was definitely bothering her.

  “Everything okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Everything is fine.” She hesitated, then began to remove her hoodie. “Hang on. I’m just gonna take this off. I’m hot.” She never complained of being hot. It was usually the opposite; she was always cold.

  I watched as she lifted it over her head. Underneath was a T-shirt that I saw for a blink of an eye before she removed it, displaying the tank top underneath. But I’d seen the T-shirt just long enough to catch what was on the front: Ellerby’s Grille Since 1985.

  She’d yanked it off fast, almost as if she didn’t want me to see it, but it was too late. I had. And that name would remain etched in my memory.

  “When do you get home again?” she asked.

  “On the 29th.”

  “Okay.” Her expression still gave off a sullen vibe.

  “You seem a little down. Are you sure you’re alright?” I asked.