Love Online

by Ward, Penelope

  I swallowed. “Thank you.”

  Taking a deep breath, I made my way back outside.

  Alright. Calm down. You have until tomorrow to freak the fuck out.

  I got back in the Audi and headed to the hotel.

  The first thing I did after checking in to my room was log in to my email to see if she’d responded. There was nothing. Then I ventured over to the camming website to make sure her profile was still there. It was, although it again showed her as offline.

  Now that I knew she was expected in to work tomorrow, I felt more like she might have had a change of heart about continuing to interact with me. But then I reminded myself that she hadn’t been online at all, not even for her show. So that told me something was wrong. The camming was her livelihood.

  Tomorrow would be telling. I’d show up at the restaurant early so I could see whether she entered the building. And then I would wing it. Whether that meant going inside and confronting her or waiting for her to get off shift so I could follow her, I didn’t know yet.

  Maybe I would just make sure she was okay and leave. I was still so fucking confused. I really didn’t want to bother her if she didn’t want to see me, but the need to confirm that she was okay trumped all. Could I ensure she was okay without making my presence known? Would it be enough for me to just confirm she was alive? My gut told me I wouldn’t be able to rest unless I knew more. And that meant confronting her.

  I’d never been so damn nervous about anything in my entire life.

  ***

  The next morning, I pulled up to Ellerby’s at 9AM. I didn’t know what time someone would show up for an 11AM shift, but I figured nine was early enough that I wouldn’t miss her.

  The street was pretty desolate, just a few brick buildings and the restaurant. There weren’t a lot of other businesses around, and Ellerby’s wasn’t even open yet.

  It was a long, slow morning, but nothing could have prepared me for the shock to the heart I felt when at approximately 10:45, I saw the silhouette of a woman approaching in the distance. As she got closer, I recognized her willowy body and long, wispy hair that was the color of sand.

  It was her.

  My heart. It was beating out of my chest.

  From where I was parked, I couldn’t make out her facial features. That wasn’t necessary. It was Eden. There was no doubt anymore. It was her, and she was clearly fine.

  The empty feeling in my stomach intensified after she disappeared into the restaurant.

  Now what?

  Do I just go home?

  Do I go in there and confront her?

  The sensible part of my brain told me to turn around and head straight for the airport. She was alive. Wasn’t that good enough?

  For shits and giggles, I decided to check my email from my phone. That’s when I realized I had received a message earlier in the morning that would change the entire course of my day.

  Ryder,

  I am so terribly sorry for not responding to your messages and for not being around the past couple of days. I had a family emergency and couldn’t be online. My head wasn’t on straight. I just saw your email and freaked out a little that you were worried about me. I am fine. I can’t apologize enough for not reaching out. There is no excuse. I just lost my way for a bit. Will you be online tonight? I really miss you.

  Eden

  I just kept staring at it, now doubting my knee-jerk reaction in coming out here.

  I could take this information and run back home with it as if nothing ever happened, or I could take a chance and let her know I was here.

  By the way my heart was beating, I knew there was no way I was going home to L.A. without letting her see me. I just needed some time to figure out how I was going to approach this.

  If I waited for her to get out of work, I could follow her and see if that provided me with any clues as to what she might be hiding from me. It felt like I needed more information before I just dropped this bomb on her.

  I couldn’t risk leaving even to grab lunch, because without the Ellerby’s connection, I had no information to go on. I needed to be able to follow her home.

  Four hours later, I was in the middle of a daydream when the sight of her exiting the building lit a fire under my ass.

  Jumping up, I turned on the ignition and began driving slowly along the path she was walking.

  There were no other cars in sight, and Eden was headed to her destination by foot. My biggest problem would be if she switched to public transportation. Were there buses or trains around here? I needed to keep her within my line of sight or I would lose her.

  I followed her for nearly ten minutes. Damn, did she not have a car? Where was she going that she had to walk so far?

  She turned a corner, and I continued to keep my distance so she wouldn’t notice a car following her every move.

  Eden suddenly stopped in front of a large, brick building. There were a few other people waiting outside.

  I parked about a block away from her.

  She looked down at her hands, seeming to be examining her fingernails as she casually waited.

  Who or what is she waiting for?

  My heart was racing now. I had to take off my jacket because I was burning up.

  Even though I wanted more time to figure her life out, this seemed like my opportunity. Was it ever going to get easier to reveal myself, to let her know I’d come here without her permission? There she was, only feet away from me. Could I stand to spend the rest of the day watching her like a stalker, only to have to potentially face her later anyway? I’d end up in the same predicament I was in right now.

  The answer seemed obvious: rip the Band-Aid off. The problem was finding the strength to move from point A to point B. It seemed like a simple step, but it somehow felt like Eden was miles away. I gave myself a mental kick in the ass and exited my car.

  With one foot in front of the other, I moved toward where she was standing. Her back was to me.

  As I inched closer, the voice in my head grew louder and louder.

  Turn around and go home.

  This is a mistake.

  Are you fucking insane?

  But I couldn’t turn back now.

  I stopped a few feet behind her. The handful of people around us were oblivious to my mental anguish. Her hair blew in the breeze, the sunshine bringing out specks of gold in her tresses. It felt surreal to see her in the flesh. She was everything I’d imagined. Eden had a graceful stance and was a bit shorter than I’d previously thought. Her hair had to be almost down to her ass. She was so close that I could smell her.

  Beautiful girl, please don’t hate me for this.

  There wasn’t going to be an easy way to do it. I took a deep breath and forced myself to call out her name.

  “Eden.”

  Her body shook at the sound of my voice. She turned around, and I could see the transformation from shock to pure terror on her face.

  Eden clutched her chest. Her face turned red as she took a few steps back and coughed out, “Ryder…”

  A mix of emotions ran through me as I stood still: guilt for having put her in this position and an intense longing, because now that I’d seen her in person, right in front of me, what felt like a new fire had been ignited inside. It felt inextinguishable. How could I walk away now?

  Her mouth was trembling. I wanted to kiss it so badly. This wasn’t the kind of introduction I‘d been hoping for with her. But it was to be expected.

  She couldn’t find the words. “What…how…”

  “Can I explain?”

  Eden nodded, seeming extremely nervous as she looked over at the door to the building.

  “It’s as simple as…you disappeared. I freaked out that something bad had happened to you. I used the one piece of information I had about your whereabouts to find you. It worked.”

  She licked her lips. “What was it?”

  “The T-shirt you wore that one time with Ellerby’s on it.”

  Eden nodded,
like she already knew she’d fucked up by displaying that, albeit briefly.

  “I made a mental note of the name,” I continued. “I never intended to invade your privacy. I took a chance and came out here because I’ve grown to care a lot about you, and I needed to know you’re okay. So please don’t hate me for doing this.”

  “I don’t hate you,” she whispered. She closed her eyes.

  Thank God.

  Eden looked defeated, like all of the work she’d done to hide whatever she was keeping from me had been in vain.

  Her attention suddenly turned toward the front entrance to the building as we both fell silent. It became clear what was happening as I spotted a woman walking out, holding the hand of a boy who looked about ten or eleven. They walked straight toward Eden.

  All of the puzzle pieces were coming together in my brain.

  This was a school.

  She was picking someone up.

  Then it hit me.

  How could you be so stupid, Ryder?

  My heart felt heavy.

  This is her kid?

  Is this what she’s been hiding all along?

  The woman let go of the boy’s hand and placed it in Eden’s.

  “He had a good day. The nurse checked in on him. I think you made a good choice in sending him in today.”

  Eden’s voice was shaky. “Glad to hear that. Thank you.”

  “I hope you have a good night.” The woman bent down. “Bye, Ollie.”

  Ollie.

  The boy waved. “Bye.” He had what looked like stitches on his forehead.

  Eden looked at me as I stood there, dumbfounded.

  Suddenly, the boy said, “Who’s here?”

  I noticed he wasn’t looking at her as he spoke, just sort of staring blankly out toward the street. He wasn’t looking at me, either.

  She placed her hand on his shoulder. “You can sense someone, huh?”

  “You’re not moving, and I can smell someone else.”

  My stomach sank as I quietly observed him. A second later, I saw a sign I hadn’t noticed before.

  St. George School for the Blind.

  CHAPTER TEN

  *

  EDEN

  Ryder looked over at the sign on the front of the school. He was slowly putting two and two together.

  I think I was still in shock. I couldn’t even move. Poor Ollie was probably so confused. I’d forgotten I didn’t have to say anything; he could tell just from my movement—or lack thereof—that something was off.

  But I still couldn’t move. Having Ryder here was almost too much to bear. Smelling his scent, recognizing the sheer power of his height, the penetration of his stare.

  Why did you have to come, Ryder?

  I cleared my throat. “Ollie, my friend is here. His name is Ryder.” I looked into Ryder’s beautiful baby blues. “This is my little brother Ollie.”

  The look of relief on Ryder’s face was palpable. I knew he’d likely assumed Ollie was my son. Even though he was my sibling, he might as well have been my child. I’d had the full responsibility of raising him since our mother died in a car accident.

  “Your brother?”

  I placed my hand on Ollie’s shoulder. “Yes, my little brother.”

  Ryder finally approached us, bending a bit with his hands resting on his thighs. “Hey, Ollie.”

  “Hi.”

  Ryder flashed a beautiful smile. “You smelled me before I could introduce myself. Do I smell bad or something?”

  It was just the opposite. Ryder smelled so very good, like how California would smell if you bottled it up and sold it as a fragrance. It was a masculine scent, like sandalwood and leather with a hint of ocean—just how I’d imagined him to smell. Maybe even better.

  “Not really,” Ollie said.

  “Not really. Okay, that leaves a little room for doubt. Good to know. Note to self—must take shower.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. Ryder straightened up and met my eyes again.

  It was hard to look at him, because doing so just felt…intense. I knew I had a lot of explaining to do. He would want to know why I never told him I had a brother, let alone one I cared for as if he were my own child. He might not understand my reasoning for keeping it from him.

  Even though I felt like maybe I shouldn’t give in to Ryder being here, I couldn’t just go home and leave him standing here. He’d come all this way. Before I had a chance to say anything, Ollie broke the ice.

  “Are we just gonna stand here, or are we gonna go home? I’m hungry. You comin,’ Ryder?”

  Ryder continued looking into my eyes. “That’s up to your sister.”

  Here it was. This was the moment when I either coldly told him to go back to California, or I invited him home with us. One thing I was finding, it was far harder to resist this man in person than from afar.

  “We only live a few blocks down the road,” I said.

  That wasn’t exactly a direct invitation, but it was me agreeing to Ryder coming home with us.

  He pointed back with this thumb. “My car’s right there. I can drive us.”

  “Okay,” I said, leading Ollie by the hand.

  We walked over to Ryder’s car. It was really nice for what I assumed to be a rental.

  Before he started the engine, Ryder paused and looked at me. I could practically hear all of the silent questions in his head.

  With Ollie here, I knew he wasn’t going to get into it too much with me. That gave me some time to think about how I was going to explain everything.

  As we drove along, I directed him. “You just take your first left up there. We’re gonna be the last house on the right.”

  Ryder parked in our driveway, then followed me into the house as Ollie held my hand. I didn’t always have to hold onto my brother. Despite the fact that he couldn’t see, he knew his way into the house pretty well, but given his recent injury, I was being extra cautious. Even though the doctors had confirmed that nothing happened to his brain when he fell, I was still paranoid.

  I watched as Ollie walked to his room. He was safe in there because I kept it pretty empty, nothing sharp or anything that could potentially harm him. He always got a little time after school to veg out before he had to do his homework.

  When he was safely out of earshot, I just started talking so Ryder didn’t have to initiate the conversation.

  “I’ve been taking care of him ever since my mother died. We don’t have the same father. Ollie’s dad was a young tourist my mother had a fling with over a decade ago. He was her midlife crisis. The guy left to go back to Costa Rica before Mom found out she was pregnant. He didn’t want anything to do with Ollie when she told him, so his dad has never been in his life.”

  Ryder took a few steps toward me. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this? Did you think it would matter to me?”

  “No,” I insisted. “I’m not ashamed of my brother. I want to make that very clear. And it’s not that I thought you would judge me for having to take care of him. But what good would telling you have done? It would have completely ruined whatever fantasy you had in your head about my ability to be what first attracted you to me—that carefree girl. My life is not that way, Ryder. Ollie is my entire life. The camming happens at night because that’s when he’s sleeping. He obviously doesn’t know about it, doesn’t know that’s how I support us.” I sucked in a breath. “And the past couple of days, you didn’t hear from me because he fell and hit his head the one moment I wasn’t paying attention to him. I took him to the emergency room. He needed stitches and some neurological testing. He’s fine, but I freaked out a little because I thought it was going to be more serious than it was. I blamed myself. That type of thing is my reality. I can’t ever travel or move to California or be the type of girl a man like you needs. Ollie’s school is here, as is the house he’s familiar with. Everything he needs is here.

  I took a deep breath. “But I couldn’t come out and tell you what my life is really like because I didn�
��t want to lose the fantasy we had either. Somehow it seemed not telling you would prolong everything.”

  Ryder looked down at the ground. He was clearly trying to process what I’d just thrown at him. His voice was low. “I get it. And I can’t begin to imagine what your life is like.”

  “Those stitches on his head? That’s my reality.” I pointed over to the corner of my kitchen. “That sink full of dishes? That’s my reality. That spot up there from the leaky ceiling? That’s my reality—and it’s not pretty, Ryder.”

  “No, it’s not.” He moved in and wrapped both of his hands around my cheeks. “It’s beautiful,” he whispered. “So beautiful. So different from anything I ever imagined. And I’d imagined some ominous things, Eden. Fucked-up things. But I still wanted to meet you. Nothing could take that need away.”

  He kept his hands around my face, and I shut my eyes to relish how good it felt to be touched by him. When I opened them, he was looking at me so intensely it gave me chills. His face had inched closer to mine when Ollie’s voice interrupted, causing me to flinch.

  “Can I have a Fruit Roll-Up, Eden?”

  My breathing was heavy as I came down from the anticipation of a kiss that didn’t happen.

  “Hang on,” I yelled over before walking to the closet to grab him a snack. Still so on edge, I fumbled with the box before opening the packaging and bringing the Roll-Up to his room.

  When I came back, Ryder was still standing there, looking so tall and handsome with his hands in his pockets. I didn’t know what to do with him. His presence was overpowering. It was so surreal to have him here in my little kitchen.

  “How could I not have seen through it?” he said. “How could I not know that you’re struggling? Am I that blind?” He looked down at his feet and swore under his breath. “Fuck. I didn’t mean to use that term.” He looked distraught.

  I smiled. “It’s okay. Ollie and I aren’t sensitive.”

  He reached his hand out for mine.

  I took it and looped my fingers through his. “I never feel like I’m struggling when I’m spending time with you. You’ve been my escape. You say you should’ve sensed something, but you couldn’t have seen through anything because I’m so happy when I’m around you—albeit virtually.” I squeezed his hand. “And I’m really sorry for worrying you when I was MIA. I just lost it when he got hurt and really fell into a depression.”