“It’s worked for me nearly my entire life,” I replied. “However, you might be anticipating more of a problem than you need to. I saw how you handled Raoul in Perros, so I’m sure you’ll be fine if you have to do it again. But the final decision is yours, Christine. I don’t want to push you into anything.”
“Perhaps you’re right. But it was stressful for me to handle him in Perros, and I’d rather not, if I don’t have to.”
“I could follow you to make certain he doesn’t cause you problems, if you’d like.”
“Oh, no thank you! I’d like to keep the two of you as far apart as possible.”
“Christine, listen to me. You don’t have to fear me doing him harm. I would never hurt him, unless . . .”
She looked at me, waiting. Then she asked, “Unless what?”
I shook my head. “Unless he was harming you in a physical way. That I couldn’t stand by and watch without stopping him. But, even then, I wouldn’t do him lasting harm. You can trust me. So, do you want me to go with you?”
She sighed. “No. I have to learn to stand up to these people myself. You may not always be watching me or protecting me. No, Raoul and Carlotta I have to face myself, but thank you.” She looked down at me and ran her fingers along my jaw. “You’re so sweet to offer.”
She then turned and headed for my music room, and, at first, I watched her walk away, but then I had to force myself to look away. She was so adorable in that costume, and I wanted so badly to grab her, but instead, I got up and followed her. When she bent over to pick up the stool and lantern, I again had to look away, so much so that I sat on my piano bench and began dusting off the keys with my fingers. Then I counted my breaths, waiting for her to leave.
I’d managed all morning to keep my thoughts decent, but the sight of her in those trousers was making it difficult to continue doing so. Therefore, I didn’t get up and help her with the door as I should have; I kept on dusting and concentrating on good thoughts.
But then, she walked up behind me, placed her hands on my shoulders, and whispered something in my ear. I didn’t hear one word she said; I only felt her breath on my ear, which sent shivers up and down my spine, and I automatically closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What was she doing?
I got up quickly, but by then she’d turned and was at the door. Against all my good judgment, I followed her and opened the door for her. She looked up at me and thanked me—I think. She started up the stairs, and I watched her, with my heart pounding and my thoughts twisting. Once again, I was out of control, and I shook my head hard.
“No! No! No!” I grumbled. “You’re an adult, so act like one.”
I’d planned to follow her to make sure she was safe, but at that moment she was safer without me around, so I went back to my piano. I tried playing, but the damage had been done. I was, again, locked in lustful thoughts, but I wasn’t going to be tormented by them the way I’d been before.
I knew what I had to do, so, within a few minutes, I’d stripped all my clothing off and was swimming. Once cooled enough, I headed back to my home. My teeth were again chattering as I ran up the stairs, trying to dry off at the same time.
I was thinking about dressing and finding Christine to protect her when I opened the door and charged in to the sound of two gasps—one from me and one from Christine.
Thirty-Six
She quickly turned around and I, just as quickly, covered my body with the towel and my face with my hand, while we both questioned simultaneously, “Christine! What are you doing here?” “Erik! What were you doing?”
Again simultaneously, we both started stammering and apologizing. “I’m so sorry, Christine, I didn’t know you’d returned.” “I’m sorry, Erik, I needed you.”
Still stammering, I suggested. “Uh, hold that thought. Mm, let me get some clothes on.”
I started for the music room, but she stopped me. “No! Wait! Answer my question first. What were you doing out there without your clothes?”
“Uh,” my eyes darted around the room, while I tried to think of a reasonable lie. “Uh, exercising? Yes, that’s it. I enjoy swimming, especially if I can’t run or ride a horse. It relaxes me. And, uh, I used to get lots of exercise by running all over this place, but that was before you came and before this injury. Now that you’re here, I sit most of the time, and, uh, I’m going to get fat and lazy. We can’t have that,” I tried to say jokingly.
“And you used a freezing lake to get it? And what about your clothes? Do you have to swim without them? I somehow don’t believe that, Erik. You’re so cold your lips are blue.”
At least she was looking at my lips, was my first thought, and then I decided to use her own words to escape her curiosity.
“Since you’re so concerned about me freezing, may I please get dressed?”
I started for my music room again, but again she demanded, “No! I’m not going to give you a chance to think of a better lie. I know you’re not telling me the truth. Your words are only hesitant when you’re not being forthcoming. Tell me the truth. What were you doing out there?”
“Please, Christine, I am freezing. Let me dress and then we can talk.”
“No! I know what you were doing, and it makes me feel sick inside to know my being here has pushed you to this.”
Oh, great, I thought. She knows. Now what do I say?
“Admit it, Erik. You’re taking your baths in that dirty and freezing lake, aren’t you?”
I think my mouth dropped open before I thought, perfect. She gave me an excellent excuse. Now if I can keep from stumbling over my words, I’ll be fine. So, “Touché,” was all I said.
“I knew it! And I won’t hear of it.”
“It’s really all right, Christine. I’m used to it. For a big part of my life that’s all I had to bathe in, the closest body of water. Sometimes it was only a small stream and other times it was a large lake where there was snow on the ground. So, I’m really all right with this arrangement.”
“Well, I’m not all right with it. You have a nice tub in here with lots of warm water, and you should be using it.”
“But I wanted you to have your privacy, Christine. I wanted those rooms to be yours.”
I couldn’t see her face, but from her folded arms and her shaking head, I knew what her face looked like—determined.
“I won’t let you take a bath out there again—I won’t. So, unless you promise to stop this ridiculous behavior, I’ll leave. I’ll return to Mummy so you can have your warm tub. I won’t be the cause of your getting pneumonia.”
“Very well, I concede,” I replied, hopefully with the sound of defeat. “I won’t take another bath in the lake. May I dress now?”
She nodded, and I again started to leave, but once more she stopped me. “Erik?”
“What now?” I asked, fearing her reply.
“It’s good to see you have more weight covering your bones.”
“I told you I could put it on quickly” was all I could think of as an answer, since I was terribly embarrassed about the entire episode and wanted to get out of there.
I continued toward the music room without her interference that time. Then I put some oil on my wound, redressed it, and dressed myself. I was still shivering, and I wanted to sit by the fire, but I didn’t know how to face her. I didn’t know how much of my body she’d seen, and I feared the worst. I paced for a few minutes, trying to gain my composure back so I could put on a good enough act for her. If I stammered again, she might not continue to believe the bath story. When I felt I had command of my actions, I opened the door and headed for the fire.
I didn’t see her anywhere, but I did hear her in the kitchen. By the time I did see her, I’d just sat in my chair, holding my hands out to the fire. At first, I couldn’t look up into her eyes, but when she handed me a glass of brandy with a huff, I had to.
“I can’t believe you’ve done this to yourself,” she criticized while tucking a blanket in around me. Then she felt my ear
s. “Your ears are like ice.” She huffed again and shook her head. After she put another log on the fire and stoked it, she held her hands close to the fire and rebuked me again. “I can’t believe you could be this careless with your health. After all you’ve gone through lately, how could you do this?”
I was trying to choose my words carefully, so I wouldn’t stammer again, when she walked behind my chair and placed her warm hands over my cold ears.
“Your bathing out there makes me feel just awful,” she reiterated with a sigh.
“Please, Christine, don’t. You’re not responsible for anything I do. Don’t berate yourself for my stupidity.”
I closed my eyes, allowing myself to enjoy her touch and relax in the silence, but I couldn’t relax completely. I sensed a tension building in the room, and I feared what she was thinking. I was thinking about the possibility that she’d seen too much of me when I entered the room, and I couldn’t help but think she was also visualizing that moment.
Her seeing me naked, or even near naked, and our not talking about it, was like having an African lion pacing in the room and neither of us saying a word about it. I knew we needed to talk about it to clear the air, but I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. No way. I’d much rather have that lion pacing in my parlor.
Then my way out of that uncomfortable situation dawned on me, so I asked, “Why did you come back, Christine? You seemed so determined and confident when you left. Why did you say you needed me?”
She sat on the divan, shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t know what happened. I did feel confident while on my way to my dressing room, but by the time I reached it I’d lost it all. I just don’t want to hear any critical talk or answer probing questions. I do want to visit Mummy though and give her that book. She understands our relationship, so I don’t mind talking to her. When I realized that’s what I wanted to do, I decided to ask for your help. That’s why I came back so soon.”
“I’ll be glad to help. What is it you want from me?”
“I think it would work better if I went to see her during our carriage rides. It would be dark, and there is less chance of anyone around here seeing me. What do you think?”
“I think that’s a wise choice, and I think I need to make an equally wise choice. I usually try to change my routines around from time to time. There’s less chance that way of someone following me and discovering my home. So, if we’re going to take more evening rides, I think we need to use my secret exit. If we’re careful, no one will see us leaving the opera house, no one such as Meg or Raoul.
“But you do realize, don’t you, that eventually we’ll both have to face the music and face Raoul? That is, unless you intend to spend the rest of your life down here with me, which I wouldn’t mind at all.”
“I know, but I’m not ready to face that time just yet.”
“Well, I’ll never push you into a rash decision. We’ll take each step at your pace.”
“Thank you. I knew you’d understand. Oh,” she added as an afterthought. “When I couldn’t find you here, I wanted to go to your docking room to see if your boat was gone, but, as you know, I don’t know how to open that door. I tried to find the latch, but I never could. Can you show me where it is, just in case I should ever need to go out there?”
“I’m sorry, Christine. I can’t show you that one. Like I told you the other day, that boat is dangerous and so is the area where it sits. Also, I know your curiosity and your adventurous spirit. I can think of several scenarios in which you might try taking that boat out on the lake.” I stopped and shook my head. “I shudder to think about you out there alone.”
She nodded. “I understand.”
“And while we’re talking about it, that safety room is the same. Please don’t ever try to find the door to it. I have two motion sensors. One is on the lake to warn me if someone is near, and the other one is in that safety room. The one on the lake triggers a bell, which is not dangerous in itself, but the one in the safety room triggers gas jets, which are very dangerous.
“Please don’t be curious about either of those locations. If anything happened to you because of those areas, I would never forgive myself—no, I would end my life for a certainty.”
She looked at me with serious concern. “I won’t, Erik. I promise. I won’t do anything to hurt you.”
“Good,” I sighed, as I laid my head back against my chair.
We talked about the people and events in our lives, but we never did acknowledge that lion by talking about what had happened when we innocently appeared in my parlor unprepared. Even when he walked right between us and roared, we refused to acknowledge him. So he remained a feature of my home, and, from the look in Christine’s eyes now and then, he was sitting right beside us.
Christine was once again like an excited schoolgirl when I led her through the long passage to my secret outside door. She marveled at my ingenuity while I hailed a brougham, and then we entered it stealthily.
Our using that door proved to be good timing, because as the driver neared the corner, I saw Raoul. He was leaning against a lamp post just outside the side entrance, waiting for us or at least Christine. Christine was happy and talkative, so I didn’t tell her what I’d seen. I didn’t want to spoil her positive mood.
When we pulled up in front of Madame Valerius’ home, I asked, “How long do you want to visit?”
“Perhaps an hour,” she replied.
I pulled out my watch and checked the time. “I have errands to run, so I’ll be back at 9:30. Enjoy your visit.”
Actually, I only had one errand to run, so I told the driver to take me back to the opera house. Once there, I waited up the street and watched Raoul, pacing in front of that side entrance. Periodically, he’d stop someone coming out and talk to them, asking, I’m sure, about Christine. I almost felt bad for him, until I realized it was probably more his defeated pride than his love for Christine that was driving him.
I was back and waiting for Christine when she came out of the house. Then we continued our evening ride. Much the same as before, we talked, laughed, and even sang short verses. The same was true the following night, with an added small celebration because the stitches were finally removed and my wound was healed completely. But then the inevitable happened, and, as with all my dreams, I was forced to wake up when it turned into a nightmare.
On a clear evening during the middle of May, my perfect little play marriage came crashing down around me, all because of one changed expression on Christine’s beautiful face. We were traveling down the Bois, and I was watching her talk while she watched the people we were passing. She was smiling as she told me a story a seamstress had told her, and then she stopped mid-sentence. She lost her smile, and her eyes fixed on something outside her window.
I also looked out that window to see what had captured her attention, and, within a few seconds, a group of men, nicely dressed and laughing, came into my view. Her eyes searched them as we passed and so did mine. Two of the men locked their sights on our brougham and followed it with their eyes. I was searching them, looking for young de Chagny, and I knew she was also searching for him. Thankfully, he wasn’t there.
Once they were out of our view, Christine’s small frown and blank gaze told me her thoughts were important to her and also private. I sat quietly, waiting for her to pick up her story, or to tell me what she was thinking, but she never did. In fact, I was the one who started the conversation again, just to end the silence.
By the time we got back to my home, she was talking again, but I could tell her thoughts were still back on the Bois, and, I’m sure, on Raoul as well. I wanted to draw her out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do or say anything that would actually end my perfect little paradise. She retired to bed while I sat and gazed into a dead hearth, occasionally twirling the brandy in my glass. I had to find the strength to face what was to come, good or bad, so I spent the night making plans to uncover what was in her heart.
The next day, I was b
ack from meeting the boys, and we were eating our supper when I reminded her about the annual masquerade ball. “I thought it would be fun to attend. That’s the only event held here that I can participate in openly. Since everyone will be wearing a mask, I don’t believe I’ll even be noticed. What do you think? Would you like to go?”
“Yes, that would be fun,” she replied without her normal enthusiasm.
The ball was always filled with merrymaking; however, my real reason for going was to put her back in her old environment and see what she would do with her freedom. I knew it was a necessary move on my part, but I truly feared the outcome.
As I sipped my wine, I watched her closely. She was in deep thought, but I wasn’t going to encourage her to talk about it. I didn’t want to interfere with what was to come. Since I’d first seen her, I’d maneuvered events to meet my wishes, and, at the end of it all, I was still uncertain about her feelings for me. So I had to let her take the lead and pursue what was in her heart, no matter what it was or how painful it might be.
I felt sad. The atmosphere in my home was solemn, devoid of our usual chatter or banter. Then she asked me a question that I knew was only the prelude to the rest of her story.
“I think I’d like to go as a black domino. Do you think you could find me that costume?”
“Certainly, my sweet. I know exactly where it is.”
“What do you think you’ll be wearing?” she asked, almost cautiously.
“I’m not certain, but I do know it’ll be something spectacular, something that will be remembered by all.”
The evening moved on as usual, but I don’t think either of us were feeling the same as before. It had been thirteen days since I’d brought her down, and I believed we’d grown close. But something had happened to her heart when she’d seen those men—something had changed.
I was ready to stay in for the evening instead of going out for another carriage ride, especially after what had happened the prior night. But if I was going to allow her to make all the decisions, I wasn’t free to use my persuasive skills against it when she asked if we were going again.
Through Phantom Eyes: Volume Five - Christine Page 51
