Hazed: A New Adult College Romance (Palm South University Book 6)

by Kandi Steiner

  I’m a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off, and I won’t let you get caught in the wreckage.

  I know this is all hard to read. And I know I’m breaking your heart. I won’t even ask you to forgive me for doing it. All I ask is that you keep that beautiful spirit of yours and that you go on and live your life to the fullest, because that’s what you deserve.

  Thank you for sharing your light with me.

  I’m sorry I dimmed it.

  Take care of yourself,

  Gavin

  “Take care of yourself?!” I repeat incredulously, staring at the letter in my hand. The longer I stare, the more I re-read, the angrier I become.

  My chest starts to ache, and before I realize it, I’m breathing like a dragon, each pull of air thick and heavy before I blow it through my nose. And when I hit that last line again, I scream, letting everything out while I viciously tear at the paper until it’s a shredded mess on the floor at my feet.

  That fucker.

  That motherfucker.

  How selfish of him. How fucking narcissistic to try to make it seem like he’s some hero, like he’s doing me a favor.

  I’m still seeing red when I grab my purse off the kitchen island and swing out of the condo, slamming the door behind me. I’m in the elevator and then in my car and peeling out of the garage before I even realize where I’m heading.

  But as soon as I hit the highway, my anger dissolves into thin, smoky wisps.

  And in its place, all I feel is devastation.

  Tears well in my eyes so fast I can’t stop them from falling, but I’m not crying, I’m not sobbing, I’m not breaking down. It’s just a silent, heartbreaking release of emotion, my eyes still wide open and focused on the road as the tears shed themselves.

  I pull up at the Omega Chi house twenty minutes later and park around back. I don’t even know if Bear is here. I don’t know why I’m here. But my body, my heart, my soul carried me here instinctively.

  So, I’m listening.

  I don’t bother knocking on the front door of the house, just let myself inside and try to keep what I’m sure is a mascara-stained face out of sight of the brothers hanging out in the common room. There are four brothers shooting a game of pool in the corner, and a big group gathered around a video game match on the big sofa.

  I get a few head nods and heys, but that’s about it.

  It’s not until I round the corner into the hallway that leads to Bear’s room that I realize what I’m doing, and my feet falter, breath hitching in my chest.

  I stop in the middle of the hall and debate turning around, but the pause is so brief I almost question if I did it at all, because in the next second, I’m knocking on his door.

  “Just a minute,” I hear his voice call from inside, and then he’s mumbling something like he’s on the phone, silence, and then the turning of the door handle.

  Clinton Pennington has a tendency to suck up all the air in a room.

  Whenever I see him, whenever his cedar eyes lock on mine, whenever his beastly body fills a doorframe the way it is right now, I find it absolutely impossible to breathe.

  He looks like he just got back from the gym, his white t-shirt with the sleeves cut off sticking to his still-damp chest. And even in the ratty shirt and red basketball shorts, he’s so crushingly handsome.

  I expect him to ask why I’m here, to furrow his brows and cock his head to the side, confused. But one look at me — one brief, understanding look — and his hand jets out for mine, tugging me inside, and the door shuts behind us, and then I’m wrapped in his arms.

  A sob chokes my next breath, and Bear runs his hand into my hair, holding me to his chest as he softly whispers, “Shhh, shhh, it’s alright, I’m here, it’s okay.”

  Those words only make me cry harder, my fists twisting in his shirt like he’s the last thing holding me to this earth.

  I can’t be sure how long we stay like that, Bear holding me while I soak the dry shoulder of his t-shirt, but eventually, my cries subside, and my breath evens out, and with a long inhale, I pull back to look up at him.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He shakes his head, eyebrows bending together as he smooths his thumb over my cheek and takes a fresh tear with it. “Don’t ever be sorry for coming to me.” He pauses, his eyes searching mine. “What happened?”

  I almost laugh, almost cry again, but finally manage to tell him the short version of Gavin’s recent rejection, disappearance, and letter. By the time I finish, I’m all out of tears, my throat dry and voice hoarse.

  Bear sucks in a deep breath when I’m done, chewing the inside of his cheek for a moment before he finally says, “There are a lot of things I want to say right now, but I don’t want to upset you by talking shit about him, because I know you still care about him, even if you’re angry now.”

  I nod, sniffing. “Maybe just one little insult won’t hurt.”

  “He’s a weak, idiotic coward who royally fucked up the best thing to ever happen to him and he’s lucky I don’t know what treatment center he checked himself into or I’d check myself in long enough to punch the fucker right in the balls.”

  It’s terrible. It’s an absolutely awful thing to say.

  But it makes me chuckle.

  “I’m sorry I always come to you with my mess,” I say on a sigh.

  “I’m glad you do.”

  I sniff, and Bear releases his grip on me long enough to get me a tissue before guiding us over to sit on the edge of his bed. I wipe my tears and blow my nose and then sit there with that tissue balled in my fist, eyes drying out as I stare down at my knees.

  “I’m just so tired of this, Bear,” I whisper, shaking my head and fighting the urge to cry even more. “For years now, I’ve gone through more than any human can take. It’s been one dumpster fire after the other. And I finally thought I was on the track to being happy again.” I sniff. “I was happy again. And now…”

  Bear doesn’t try to cheer me up or make me look at the bright side, he just sighs like he really gets it, like he understands, and then his warm palm reaches up to rub my back.

  “Maybe I’m just delusional. Maybe everything I did to Skyler, to all my friends when I wasn’t okay, maybe it’s my karma now and I’m not done paying for it. You know? Maybe this is just my destiny.”

  Bear shakes his head. “It’s not. I promise.”

  “I know I messed up. I know I’m not perfect. But I’ve been working so hard on making amends, on straightening myself out.” My bottom lip quivers as I shake my head against more tears building in my eyes. “Don’t I deserve more?” I ask Bear and the universe and God and whoever else. When I lift my eyes to meet Bear’s, it’s like I can see my own pain reflected in his warm brown irises. “Don’t I deserve to be happy?”

  He blows out a breath through his nose, nostrils flaring as his eyes search mine. His hand wraps around my back to my hip, squeezing, his thumb smoothing the bit of skin exposed between my jeans and blouse.

  “You deserve everything, Erin,” he whispers.

  Suddenly, I’m very aware that we’re alone. In his room. On his bed. I’m very aware of how warm his hand is, how good he smells, how sexy he looks even in his workout clothes.

  I’m very aware of the way my thighs clench together when he shifts, just marginally, until he’s facing me, his mouth so close to mine I can feel the heat of his breath.

  “You asked me last weekend if you were desirable,” he says, and then his Adam’s apple bobs hard in his throat, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. “And Erin, I didn’t know how to answer you then. I still don’t know how to answer, not with words.”

  His hand at the small of my back pulls me closer, and his free one slips up my arm, over my shoulder, along the length of my neck until he’s cradling my head, his fingers wrapping into my hair, thumb brushing my jaw.

  “But I can show you,” he says, his voice rasping, another thick swallow lining the length of his throat.

  C
hills race down my spine, and every cell of my being seems to flutter to life when his lips drop to my mouth.

  My lips part with an unspoken plea, and my heart stops beating altogether until the moment Bear slips his hands farther into my hair, pulls me into him, and kisses me.

  Then, everything kicks back to life at once.

  I gasp into his mouth, which only seems to fuel him more as he breathes me in, his hands gripping tighter, tongue sweeping in over mine. When I taste him, a jolt of electricity zips straight down between my thighs, and I moan, reaching for him with just as much urgency as he’s holding me.

  I snake my hands around his neck, pulling him in for more even though there’s not so much as an inch of space between us. Flashes of that first night we were together hit me in little bursts of stars, the memory fuzzy and fleeting, but there all the same.

  “Clinton,” I whisper against his lips, and he shudders at the sound of his name.

  His expert mouth is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, even though I know I’ve technically had it once before. I was drunk, then, too drunk to remember, too drunk to appreciate his full lips massaging mine, his large hands caressing my hip, his fingers weaving in my hair and pulling me in like allowing even a centimeter of space between us would devastate the moment.

  But when a flash of Gavin’s smile hits me like a train out of nowhere, I gasp for a completely different reason, tearing myself away from Bear and scrambling off his bed until my back hits his door.

  I pant hard, trying to catch my breath, my palms against the wood and my wide eyes fixed on Bear.

  His go just as wide in the next instant.

  “Shit, Erin, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… not with you like…” He shakes his head, running a hand over his fade as he stands. “Please, can we just—”

  “I have to go.”

  I fly out of his room with him still calling my name, but I don’t stop or look back. I just haul ass to my car and slam the door behind me, peeling out of the parking lot like a thief on the run.

  Oh, God.

  What have we done?

  WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE taken me longer than expected, but damn does it feel good to have a big girl job.

  My first two weeks with Celestial Weddings have been both crazy and amazing. I walked in the doors right in the middle of wedding season, hence the crazy part, but the work is so fulfilling and everything I’ve ever wanted to do.

  Well, since changing my major, anyway.

  Hence, the amazing.

  I’ve been awake and dressed and out the door every morning by six-thirty, and haven’t come back home until after eight most nights. The “part time” offer quickly turned full time with how busy the agency is. My weekends have been slammed with events, a crash-course introduction to what it’s like to be an event planner for Miami’s rich and famous. I’ve worked with brides who were absolute angels, and also had my fair share of bridezillas. And from what my boss says — I haven’t seen anything yet.

  But while I’m honored to have the job and excited to be a part of the team, I’m exhausted, and very, very thankful to have a Friday evening off. Between learning the ropes at the office, running around town to gather supplies and work with vendors, making and taking more phone calls in two weeks than I have my entire life, meeting family after family and herding bridal party after bridal party, organizing photographers and DJs and bands and caterers and the works, all while doing my damndest to knock my new boss’ socks off and make a lasting first impression?

  I’m not just tired.

  I’m about two fake smiles and no problem, I’ll take care of it’s away from collapsing and never being able to get back up again.

  Fortunately, I have a very understanding boyfriend, who didn’t give me even a little grief about not joining him for his formal tonight. I know how important fraternity formals are. They signal the end of a semester, the end of a year, the start of summer, and the transition of power. Kade is just a week away from finding out if he’s going to be the next president of Alpha Sigma, and I know this event means a lot to him.

  But he understood when I explained how tired I was, and also, how weird it made me feel to think about attending a fraternity event now that I’ve graduated. Hell, I already stayed an extra semester to finish off my commitment as the recruitment chair for Kappa Kappa Beta.

  It was high time for me to leave Palm South, and now that I have a condo downtown and a salaried job to boot? I feel like I’ve taken a big step into adulthood, and there’s no going back.

  She says, as she eats a pizza Lunchable and drinks a bottle of wine.

  Kade did send me a picture of him looking snazzy as fuck before the limo ride to the venue downtown, and just for fun, I snapped him a nude in return.

  What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t give him a chub around all his fraternity brothers from time to time?

  The only thing that would make this night even better is if my sisters joined me, but Ashlei has already moved half her shit out and into Brandon’s, and I’m sure they’re very busy on this Friday night. And Erin has been holed up in her room studying for her big exam all week, tonight included. She’s promised me she’ll join if she gets to a point where she feels comfortable enough to take a break tomorrow, but if I know her well enough, I’ll be lucky to get a glimpse of her on a snack break.

  Even so, I’m not mad at it being just me, my kid food, sweatpants, and a Friends marathon.

  If anything, I’d say this is the best Friday night I’ve had in a while.

  It finally feels like everything is falling into place, I think to myself as I pour up another glass of wine. It’s crazy how just being offered a job boosted my self-confidence. And now that I’ve been kicking ass for two weeks, I feel like the baddest bitch in the world.

  Look out, Miami.

  The city’s next hottest wedding planner just stepped on the scene.

  As the night goes on, Erin does pop her head out from time to time to check on me, and I even manage to convince her to stay for half of the The One Where They’re Going to Party! episode before she chains herself to her textbooks again. As for me, a full bottle of wine has me feeling pleasantly warm and relaxed.

  So much so that I almost don’t notice my phone buzzing under my butt on the couch.

  I snap out of my haze around the fifth buzz, not even bothering to look at the number before I answer. “Hello?”

  “Ms. Vonnegut, it’s Herb down at the front desk. I’ve got a visitor here for you.”

  “Send him up,” I say before he even finishes, because I know exactly who it is, and if he’s even a little bit as tipsy as I am after his formal, then I’m more than happy to welcome him to a romp in my sheets to cap off our Friday nights.

  Herb chuckles. “Will do, miss. Have a good evening.”

  I pop off the couch with a little squeal and a heel click once we end the call, and then fly down the hall to change into my cute sleep shorts and matching spaghetti strap tank. My hair is a mess, but I take it down just to throw it up in a slightly-better-looking messy bun. After a quick run of lip balm over my lips and a touch of mascara, I bound back down the hall just in time for two swift knocks to sound on the front door.

  Smoothing my hands over my shorts, I adjust my tits in my sleep tank and roll my shoulders back before putting on my come and get me sex-kitten smirk and open the door.

  As soon as I do, that sexy smirk is replaced with wide eyes and my jaw nearly hitting the floor.

  Where I expected Kade to be waiting with a drunken glaze in his eyes, I instead find his brother, stone cold sober, his hands in tight fists at his sides. His chest is heaving like he just ran three miles uphill, and his nose flares as he lets his eyes crawl down the length of me, taking in what very little clothing I’m wearing now.

  “Jarrett?” I ask, crossing my arms over myself, as if that will do anything to cover my legs or midriff or very hard nipples peeking through this silky top. “What are you—”

&nbs
p; I stop short when Jarrett holds up one finger, his eyes hard on mine again. With that one gesture, my lips snap together, heart picking up its pace in my chest.

  “You showed up on my doorstep like this once,” he says, his voice ragged, and with the words I remember all too well the night I beat down his front door. “You made me listen. So now you have to do the same.”

  I swallow. “Okay, do you want to come in or—”

  “I love you.”

  My next words die in a chokehold, as if Jarrett physically reached out and wrapped his hand around my neck. I let my mouth fall open, shut it, part my lips again, zip them back together. Before I realize it, I’m leaning a hip against the doorframe to keep from falling over. “You what?”

  “I love you,” he repeats, face contorting like it physically pains him to admit. “I never stopped loving you. I don’t think I can.”

  I swallow, hating that my heart is thumping so loud in my ears, that hearing him say those words feels like wading into warm, tropical water.

  “And I know it’s fucked up and wrong for me to come here and tell you that,” he says when I don’t respond. “And I know I said I could just be your friend but goddammit, Jess, I lied. Okay? I lied. I can’t be your friend,” he says, shaking his head at the audacity of it. “Because the truth is that I want you, all of you, everything that you have to give. And I don’t want to share.”

  My weight sinks more into the doorframe, and I cover my shaking lips with fingertips trembling just as much. “Jarrett…”

  “Wait,” he says, holding his finger up again. “I’m not finished.”

  I swallow, waiting.

  “I know my brother may potentially hate me for the rest of my life for saying this,” he says, rolling his lips together as he looks off to the side. I don’t miss the way tears prick his eyes then, as if the mere thought of Kade hating him is too much to bear. “But I want you to choose me.”