Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games

by Lacy Maran

  Seattle, WA--Disappointment reeks from every pore of Mike Bell’s bed as the excruciating act of sitting through a gooey romantic comedy yielded nothing more than cuddling. “Where’s the sex?” Mike inquires, flabbergasted. “I was hoping to try out a new position tonight, but hell--right now I’d just settle for a pity lay.” The trying ordeal was only made worse by the fact that “the stupid movie wouldn’t end. It was like Chinese water torture.” But Bell stayed brave, persevering in hopes that the suffering would lead to carnal delight that would never come. “This has been a real blow. But if renting a chick flick can’t get you laid, then what will?” Bell inquires. “I’ve never been held romantic hostage like this before. Help!”

  Threesome Gone Wrong Involves Too Many Men, Not Enough Women

  San Francisco, CA--The fantasy threesome accountant Steve Patterson had dreamed his whole life about took a sudden turn for the horrific last night when a knock at the door revealed not one of his girlfriends female friends like he’d imagined, but another man. “Hell no,” Patterson rants, stunned. “This has got to be some kind of mix up.” But it wasn’t. All too tired of Steve’s constant requests for a threeway, Steve’s girlfriend agreed to the ménage a trios, but neglected to leave out one key point. “What does my girlfriend think I am, gay or something? Why would I want to be with some dude?” Patterson inquires, apparently unaware of the sexual orientation defying requests he’s made of his girlfriend. “I’ll never ask for a threesome again.”

  Man Forced To Attend Second Sexual Harassment Seminar After Hitting On First Seminars Instructor

  Little Rock, AK--Cubicle Clown Bill Webster found himself in an all too familiar uncomfortable situation yesterday attending a second sexual harassment seminar in as many weeks after putting the moves on the first seminars instructor. “Hey, she was sending me all kinds of signals,” Webster says of instructor Lynn Duncan. “Besides, her skirt was practically begging to be balled up at the corner of my bed.” Webster, long on advances and ego, but short on brains and political correctness, managed to learn nothing at either seminar. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Webster added. “These chicks should feel lucky they got hit on by a man of my hotness.” A seat at a third seminar is being kept warm for Webster.

  Man refuses to believe that waitress wasn't hitting on him

  Philidelphia, PA--Despite that fact that she barely exchanged more than pleasantries and that she smiles like that at everyone, Bill Jones insists that chain restaurant waitress Emily McGowan was flirting with him. "She digs me," Bill boasts, "I can tell." Apparently oblivious to the fact that waitresses live off tips and the best way to get them is to feign interest, Bill adds "she was real nice and asked me about myself and stuff. We have a real connection." After scribbling a generous tip on the check, Bill wrote his phone number. "I'll bet she'll call me tomorrow," Bill remarks. "We'll be going out before you know it." Emily then picked up the check and smiled once more at Bill before rushing off to another table. "She's just playing hard to get," Bill quips, "she wants me bad."

  Midlife Crisis Extends Into Late Life

  Denver, CO--George Monroe’s five year old midlife crisis, which began with the purchase of a souped-up sports car, and has more recently included his fourth marriage to trophy wife and twenty-three year old yoga instructor Tanya Billingsley, has been granted an indefinite extension. “Grow up?” Monroe asks “Why would I want to do that? I’m having too much fun.” Monroe’s recent endeavor’s have included clubbing, bar hopping, and all night binge drinking. “I feel like I’m twenty-five again,” Monroe added. But this recent transformation does not sit well with all, including Monroe’s twenty-five year old son, who had the unfortunate displeasure of catching his dad grinding against his new Mother in law at a local club. “I can’t even look my dad in the eye anymore. He’s a total disgrace,” son Ron declares. And what of his Mother in law? “That gold digging skank. This is his worst wife yet.” But Monroe won’t let his critics deter him from his crisis at hand. “Ron’s just a buzz kill,” Monroe remarks. “He just needs to chill out.”

  Discovery Of Porn Stash Ends Any Chance Of Man Getting Laid Tonight

  Buffalo, NY--Paul Jablonski’s last hopes for orgasm were quickly dashed last night with the discovery of Jablonski not well enough hidden porn stash by his girlfriend Patricia. And with that, the sad tale of Paul’s undersexed life has yet another chapter. “Damn, I really thought this would be the day,” laments Jablonski, who wasn’t gotten laid since his birthday. “God must have it out for me.” Never mind Jablonski’s porn stash, which feature favorites such as cowgirl, doggie style, and girl on girl. “Goodbye naughty nurses,” Jablonski utters, with almost a tear in his eye. “Goodbye sexy stewardesses. I’m really going to miss you.” But sympathy extends only so far. “Why does he still have porn anymore? He has me,” girlfriend Patricia wonders as she throws out his stash. “Well, at least he had me.” So Jablonski is back at the drawing board. “Man, I so need to masturbate. But what am I supposed to jerk off to now?”

  Woman Does Her Hair And Make Up In Record Time

  Dallas, TX--Much to boyfriend Carl Smith’s delight, Jane Ward’s frequent patience-draining forty-five minute hair and make up routine was completed in a record seven minutes. “Hallelujah,” Smith declares, overjoyed. “This is like a miracle.” Smith had barely begin his routine of grabbing a beer, flipping on the sports scores, and fighting off his girlfriend’s Chihuahua’s attempts to hump his leg, when Ward appeared in the doorway, ready for public viewing. “I don’t know what got into her. This must be my lucky day,” Smith adds, still in shock. “Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.” But Ward, who broke her former record time by nearly twenty-eight minutes was quick not to let expectations be revised for good. “Don’t get excited. I was having a good hair day.” But for Smith, this is an experience he won’t soon forget. “Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her move this fast since the legendary shoe sale of 2005.”

  Disgruntled Caller Finally Gets Actual Human Being On The Line

  Boston, MA--After four voice prompts, two near disconnects, and almost twenty-five minutes on hold, disgruntled caller Benny James finally got an actual human being on the line. “It’s about time,” James notes, “one more minute of elevator music and I was going to have a breakdown.” The ordeal started innocently enough with the discovery of an error on James’ bill. “This whole thing should have taken two minutes. Tops,” James declares, exasperated, but the call to the customer service helpline left James feeling nothing short of helpless. “Jesus. It was worse than dealing with my ex-wife.” But James descent into customer service hell continued when he was not greeted by a courteous plain spoken voice, but with garbled outsourced broken English. “It’s like she was speaking a different language,” James remarked, referring to the Indian customer service representative. “And to boot, she couldn’t even help me. She just gave me another number to call.”

  Garage Sale Couch, Old College Sweatshirt Casualties In Move With Girlfriend

  Minneapolis, MN--In a hard fought battle of bachelor pad staples, Dave Campbell’s favorite garage sale couch and old college sweatshirt did not survive the move with his girlfriend Vanessa. “I gave it all I’ve got, but it just wasn’t enough,” Campbell laments. “I feel like I’ve let them down.” The sweatshirt, worn the night Campbell lost his virginity, will not soon leave his memory. “I’ll never forget how many times I’ve woken up in the morning with a woman wearing nothing,” Campbell ruminates. “This is going to take me a long time to get over. If ever.” Campbell’s girlfriend was out shopping for a new couch and could not be reached for comment.

  Straight Man Attends Yoga Class For Reason Other Than To Pick Up Chicks

  Palm Beach, FL--Although it seems impossible, Tim Donovan is actually a straight man attending a yoga class with no intention of picking up chicks. “Don’t get me wrong, the women here are total knockouts, not to mention how flexible they are. But I’m not here to hit on them,” Donovan
remarks. “Seriously.” But in an environment of form-fitting outfits, bodies twisted like pretzels, and downward dogs, what business does a straight man have doing here if not to throw game? None, say some women. “I come here to meditate and tap into my inner Goddess,” one yoga classmate declares. “But how am I supposed to channel my charkas and attain bliss when I know some guys picturing me naked?” But Donovan’s sticking to his story. “Oh, I’m all feng shui’d up, you know? I’m unlocking my calm and stuff,” Donovan rambles unconvincingly. “Ok, so I admit it. I’m here to pick up chicks. Are you happy now?”

  Man Not Surprised To Learn His Girlfriend Is A Mind Reader

  New Orleans, LA--After countless fights, squabbles, and spats with his girlfriend, Andy Jamieson is in no way surprised to learn that his girlfriend is a mind reader. “Tell me something I don’t know,” Jamieson quips. “I can’t get anything past her.” Although her mental telepathy ability has proved fruitful at detecting lies, girlfriend Belinda Anabel believes it’s as much curse as a blessing. “There are some things you just don’t want to know,” Anabel mentions. “Besides, Andy think about sex a lot. I mean we’re talking constantly. Sometimes, reading his mind just gives me a headache.” But Jamieson notes, having a mind reader for a girlfriend does have its advantages “she always knows when I’m in the mood.”

  I Want To Be Treated With Respect, Says Women In Skanky Skirt

  Upper East Side, NY--Despite a skimpy skirt screaming the contrary, Doreen Embers wants to be treated with the utmost dignity and respect. “Look, I know I’m hot, but I’m smart too. Really,” Embers remarks before being complimented by a passerby. “Oh, you like the skirt? I know. Isn’t it sexy?” Embers’ frequent calls for respect have fallen on deaf ears, overshadowed by skanky mini skirts, high heels, and plunging neck lines. But with the conversion of a spaghetti strap halter top to a sleeved shirt in her wardrobe, Embers thought this could be the call for respect she’s so long craved. “I’m more than just a sex object, “Embers adds, before being complimented again. “Oh, why thank you. I love this skirt too.”

  Not everything stays in Vegas, local man learns

  Phoenix, AZ--Thirty days after a raucous trip to Sin City with the boys, Jim Daniels learned the hard way that the familiar adage "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" is not in fact true. During a shower that fateful morning, Jim detected bumps in his genital area, and after a visit to the doctor realizes he'll have a monthly reminder of exactly how much things don't stay in Vegas. "It's herpes, " Jim mumbles with equal parts embarassment and bewilderment. "I'll bet it was that hooker," Jim ruminates. "She did seem trashy--as far as hookers go. Or maybe it was that cocktail waitress," Jim ponders. "Of course it could have been that nurse. What was her name again?" Jim inquires, "I bet she wasn't even a real nurse. Damn, my wife's going to kill me."

  Psychics prediction actually comes true

  Kenosha, WS--After nearly a decade of close calls, near misses, and flat out bad readings, one of strip mall clairvoyant Shaniqwa Washington's psychic predictions actually came true. "I always thought those psychic readings were bogus mumbo jumbo," first time customer Anne Williams says, "but she Miss Shaniqwa got me spot on when she said I've been unlucky in love. You can say that again." And with a roster of rejects Anne calls ex-boyfriends including: a faith healer, dishwasher, comic book geek, tattoo artist, never was rock star, and small time jewel thief, the psychic couldn't have been more right. "It's like Miss Shaniqwa read my mind," Anne continues, befuddled. "But she said I'm going to meet the perfect guy for me. Wow, she has such a gift," Anne utters without the slightest sense of irony. "She's gotta be the best psychic ever."

  Entertainment

  Or

  How to succeed in navel-gazing without really trying

  Actress Uses Collect Them All Approach To Baby Adoption

  Los Angeles, CA--In a bold move to have a baby from every continent, America’s favorite full time publicity hound and sometimes Actress yesterday adopted a South American baby, needing only babies from Europe, Australia, and Antarctica to complete her collection. “Little Telenovela here is going to make a great addition to my diverse multinational publicity team,” the Actress announced. “It’ll be a pleasure trotting her out when I need a photo op.” Reports have it that the Actress is already eyeing a German baby she’ll name Schnitzel, and an Aussie Ladd she’ll name Krikey, but she has come to a snag with Antartica. “Maybe I’ll have to settle for a penguin,” the Actress laments. “I’ll call him Waddle.”

  Metrosexual ecstatic about great hair day

  Hollywood, CA--TV/radio personality and local Metrosexual Mogul was overjoyed to wake up with perfect hair this morning. "This never happens," the Mogul boasts incredulous. "Usually I spend forty-five minutes lathering, rinsing, gelling, and moussing, but today is like hair heaven. I mean really, it's like a gift from the Gods." Of course, nothings perfect, even for a Metrosexual Mogul. "I couldn't for the life of me find the right outfit to go with my coiffe. I tried mixing, I tried matching. It was like apparel apocalypse. The right ensemble continues to elude me," the Mogul added. "Better luck tomorrow I guess."

  Smiling Supermodel Sacked For Sullen Sourpuss

  New York, NY--Supermodel Isabel Thomas was fired this week after brazenly smiling on the catwalk. “This is appallingly unprofessional. I am utterly disgusted,” designer Enrico Vase ranted. “There’s no room for happiness in modeling.” Thomas’ smile caused quite a scene and sent shockwaves through the fashion industry noted for its sulking models with empty, distant gazes. Thomas was promptly canned for vapid bag of bones Amelia Endenmeyer. “Amelia perfectly personifies the aloof, coke-addled detachment we purvey here,” Vase gloats. “I couldn’t imagine anyone more brilliantly vacuous.”

  Celebrity Gives Baby A Normal Name

  Los Angeles, CA--In a daring and unprecedented move the likes of which we’ll never see again, a celebrity actually gave her baby a normal name yesterday. “I don’t know what to say.” The world of celebrity babies, which includes teaser happy names like Apple, Suri, Pilot, and Moses, now includes little baby Tom. “Wow, what’s next--Bob? Jim? Even--Joe?” gossip hog Bonnie Jones inquires. “Nah, that would be like a celebrity staying out of rehab. It would never happen.” Baby Tom’s Mother refused to reveal her identity, fearing her rebellious move would leave her ostracized in the Hollywood community.

  Search for hooker with heart of gold comes up empty

  Omaha, NE--According to a recently released study conducted by Nebraska State University, hookers with hearts of gold are nothing but Hollywood myth. "Don't pay for sex thinking you're going to find your soul mate" Tom Wong, head resercher who spent five years on the project stated. "All you're really going to get is some woman with low self esteem and Father issues looking to pay her rent." The study, which cost Nebraska taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars is being hailed as a complete failure, unable to validate the Hollywood staple. "I feel it is my responsibility to inform perverts, creeps and solicitors everywhere," Wong continued "that prostitution is great for sex, but if you're looking to find love, go spend your money somewhere else."

  Sports

  Or

  The Domain of Inflated Ego’s, Shrunken Balls, and Brawniacs referring to themselves in the third person

  Longtime Fantasy Football Champion Attempts To Tackle Reality

  Arlington, VA--Five time league champion Tim Murdock announced his retirement from fantasy football in a press conference yesterday in order to pursue other interests, namely--reality. “I’ve been putting it off for so long, but after all the recruiting, mock drafts, and on the field domination, it was time I got a life,” Murdock stated. “It was a touch decision, but it’s the right thing to do.” Among Murdock’s future life goals are: moving out of his Mom’s basement, finding more than a dead end desk job, and maybe even getting a girlfriend. “I’d really like to tackle the female gender,” Murdock expressed. “But I’m not sure I’m ready for that just yet.” Murdock’s former
players aren’t taking the decision so well. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put up numbers like that again,” a player noted. “There will never be another fake coach like him.”

  Herculean-sized bronzed statue alleged sticking point in Athletes contract talks

  Orlando, FL--The Baseball general manager meetings have been abuzz with talks where America's favorite Free Agent Athlete will land. But even with a three hundred million asking price, partial ownership stake in the team, a twenty-four hour tv network, and naming rights to the ballpark among his requests, the alleged sticking point in negotiations is a demand for a Herculean statue of himself to be erected in front of his future stadium. "I want to be immortalized for everyone to see. I want people to have no doubt who they're coming to the ballpark to worship," the Athlete remarked. But some general managers are appalled. "Statues are for the greats that have retired." But the Athlete will hear nothing of it. "I am a living legend" he brags, "any team would be lucky to have me."