by Scotty Cade
Getting really worried, Ben. Not like you to not respond. Not getting cold feet, are you? I’m at the Coast Guard station now, but leaving just before lunch. I won’t have time to change so I’ll be in my blue working uniform. You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to meeting you in person. After twenty-two months you’re all I can think about. See you at Aqua, five o’clock sharp.
Hawk leaned back in the chair, stretched out, and closed his eyes. He thought about his options and kept coming back to the same conclusion. He needed to make sure this guy was on the up and up. Not knowing what Justin told Jeremy about what he did for a living, he decided to go with something very general. He hit reply on the last e-mail and started typing.
Sorry it took so long to respond. Went out with friends last night and got in very late. Been in meetings all morning, but looking so forward to our date. I have meetings all afternoon so I probably won’t get time to e-mail again but will see you at five. Looking so forward to it.
Hawk reread his e-mail and then hit Send. He opened the photo gallery on Justin’s phone and flipped through the photos until he found a picture of a handsome guy in a U.S. Coast Guard uniform. “Bingo,” he said out loud.
“Bingo what?” Garner asked, sitting next to him.
Before Hawk could say anything, Hank and Thompson walked up with coffee and pastries and took a seat across from Garner and Hawk.
While they sipped their coffee and waited for the doctor to come back out, Hawk filled them in on Justin’s history, the rape, and the details surrounding his two-year cyber relationship and the e-mails about their rendezvous at Aqua this evening.
All three looked at him quizzically. “Look,” Hawk explained, “Justin said he thought he was in love with the guy, and if Jeremy is really in love with Justin, he has a right to know what’s going on. But before I bring him into Justin’s life, I want to make sure the guy is who he says he is.”
“So let me guess. You’re going to Aqua this evening,” Garner said.
Hawk nodded. “Do you think I’m crazy or out of line?”
“Not really,” Garner said.
Thompson and Hank nodded their heads in agreement.
“He’s your best friend and these are extenuating circumstances,” Garner continued. “In a normal situation, I would tell you to mind your own business. But for someone who’s been through what Justin has, and the fact that he’s finally going out on a limb and taking a chance, this could be a crucial point in his mental recovery. I say go for it.”
“It’s settled, then,” Hawk said. “I’ll be at Aqua at five o’clock sharp.”
GARNER SAT watching Hawk pace like a caged tiger while he waited for the doctor to come out with MRI results. Thompson and Hank dozed off and on, changing position every so often in the uncomfortable hospital chairs.
Last night Garner had lain awake most of the night planning his escape. Right after Thompson and Hank left on Monday morning, he was pulling out of Dodge, weather permitting.
He wasn’t yet sure how he was going to tell Hawk. They had in essence signed a pact. Had an arrangement, an understanding of sorts: nothing emotional between them, just sex and companionship. But lo and behold, I had to go and fuck that up royally.
Watching Hawk now, so vulnerable and completely unsure of himself, pacing back and forth, concern for his friend written all over his face, made Garner’s heart ache for him. Up until this morning, Garner hadn’t thought Hawk would have cared one way or the other if he stayed or left. But seeing the way Hawk had clung to him when he got the news about Justin, almost as if Garner were his only lifeline, had shaken his resolve. Hawk was relying heavily on him emotionally, and Garner knew he couldn’t let him down.
But ultimately, he couldn’t let his emotions get in the way of his decision. As soon as Justin was out of the woods and Hawk could stand on his own two feet, Garner was out of there.
Hawk stopped pacing and looked up every time he heard the double doors open and close, but this time when they did, Dr. Bridges stepped through and scanned the waiting room.
“There he is,” Hawk said. Garner rose to his feet, as did Thompson and Hank. When Dr. Bridges spotted Hawk, he started toward him, and they all met him halfway.
“I have some news for you,” the doctor said.
Garner felt Hawk reaching for his hand, and he grabbed it and held on tight.
“It appears that, for now, the swelling is fairly minimal, and the blood in the cerebrospinal fluid seems to be dissipating. I don’t feel that either procedure I told you about earlier will be needed at this time.”
Garner felt Hawk squeezing his hand, and he squeezed in return.
“We will do another CT scan in about four hours, and then one more late this afternoon and continue to watch him closely,” the doctor went on. “If the next scan shows no increased swelling, I think we’ll be in pretty good shape. And if he continues to improve, I’ll start reducing his medication, and he’ll slowly start to regain consciousness.
“However, let me caution you. If the next scan shows additional or increased swelling, depending on how severe, we will have to reevaluate our entire plan at that time.”
“Got it,” Hawk said. “I understand completely.”
“Good day, gentlemen,” Dr. Bridges said. “I’ll keep you posted if his condition changes.”
Hawk grabbed the doctor’s hand and shook it so hard Garner thought he was going to break the man’s hand off. “Thank you so much, Doctor. Can we see him again?”
Dr. Bridges looked at his watch. “Sure,” he said. “Visiting hours start in about five minutes. Remember, you guys can go in only two at a time.”
Hawk nodded. “Thanks again, Doc,” Hawk said as the doctor turned and disappeared down the hall.
“That’s all good news, right?” Hawk asked, looking at Garner.
“It is good news,” Garner agreed. “If he continues like this, he’ll be home in no time.” And I’ll be gone.
Since Hawk and Garner had already been to Justin’s room, Thompson went with Hawk, and Garner and Hank would go in when they returned.
As soon as the other two men were gone, Hank sat down next to Garner and looked him in the eye. “What’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t give me that crap, Gar. I know you,” Hank said. “I saw the way you were looking at Hawk when he was pacing, so tell me what the fuck is going on?”
Garner sighed. “I fucked up is what is going on.”
“How?” Hank asked. “What do you mean you fucked up?”
“Hawk and I. You know, we had this thing,” Garner said, hanging his head.
Hank nodded. “Yeah, you told us Friday night.”
“Well it was supposed to be no strings, no emotional attachment, just good times and sex. And when it was over, it was over.”
“And…?” Hank asked.
“I fucked up and got attached,” Garner said, looking up at Hank through his eyelashes.
“I knew it,” Hank said, slapping his knee. “I could see it in your eyes, the way you looked at him, the way you laughed. It was as plain as the nose on your face. That’s great, Gar. I knew it would happen eventually.”
“No, not great, Hank.”
Hank tilted his head to the side. “Why not?”
“Hawk doesn’t want this, and neither do I. We each made that very clear to the other before anything ever got started.”
“Have you asked Hawk how he feels?” Hank asked.
“Of course not.”
“Why not?”
“Because we both agreed, and I’m not going back on my word!” Garner snapped.
“Fuck that, Garner. Haven’t you noticed how the man’s sticking to you like glue, like you’re the only thing keeping him together?”
“He’s scared and alone, Hank,” Garner said. “Nothing more and nothing less.”
“Bullshit!” Hank replied. “I’d bet my life there’s more to it than that.”
> Garner just shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I suck at relationships, and Hawk has the worst fear of intimacy issues I’ve seen in my career. It would never work, and frankly, I don’t have the ability to bounce back anymore. It’s easier to not even go there. The minute I tell him I have feelings for him, he’s gonna panic and bolt.”
“So let me guess, you’re gonna bolt first?” Hank asked with a disgusted expression on his face.
“I’m afraid so,” Garner replied.
Before Hank could say another word, Hawk and Thompson came out of the NICU.
“He looks better,” Hawk said, sitting on the other side of Garner and taking his hand. “His color is getting back to normal. I mean, he still has the bruises, but his skin is not so pale. But you guys go in and tell me if you think I’m right.”
Garner stood, but Hawk didn’t release his hand and stood with him. Hawk threw his arms around Garner’s shoulders and pulled him close. “I can’t thank you enough. I don’t think I could have gotten through this morning if you hadn’t been here.”
Over Hawk’s shoulders, Garner watched Hank eyeing up the two of them and shaking his head. Garner blinked away tears, and his voice cracked when he spoke. “I’m so glad I was able to be here for you.”
“It’s okay, dude,” Hawk said when he realized Garner was crying. He ran his fingers through Garner’s hair and rubbed circles over his back. “He’s doing so much better now. I think everything’s going to be okay.”
Garner broke their embrace, stood up on his tiptoes, and kissed Hawk on the forehead. “Everything is going to work out just fine. You’ll see.” He turned and headed for the double doors, and Hank fell in line behind him.
When the doors closed behind them, Hank laid a hand on Garner’s shoulder.
“Not now, Hank,” Garner said, shaking free of his hand.
Hank spent a few minutes at Justin’s bedside and then looked Garner in the eye. “You can’t keep running, Garner. Eventually, everything you’re running from is going to catch up with you.”
Garner raised a hand to silence Hank and looked back down at Justin.
“I’m out of here,” Hank said, making a beeline for the door.
Garner took a seat and rested his elbows on Justin’s bed and took Justin’s hand in his. “I’m so glad you’re going to be okay, Li’l Man. You gave us quite a scare. Didn’t anyone ever teach you to use a crosswalk?”
Garner swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat and continued. “Hey listen, I’m gonna have to be leaving soon. Yeah. I knew I wouldn’t stay forever. I mean, I never do, and I kind of fucked up and started to develop feelings for Hawk, and we both know how that would end. I know you’re probably thinking I should stay and make it work, but it wouldn’t, and besides, Hawk hasn’t asked me to. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that once you’re all healed up you’ll continue to take care of Hawk for me. You and me are probably the only ones who know he’s not the tough guy he pretends to be. He really needs someone he can count on. Someone who will keep him in line, ya know?”
Garner was losing the battle to keep his emotions in check. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks. “I wish I could stay,” he went on, wiping at his cheeks with the back of his hand, “but I just can’t. He and I would never work out. We have too much baggage between us, and we would be over before we got started. And probably kill each other emotionally and physically in the process. We both agreed that we wanted nothing more from the other than a good time, and somewhere along the line, for the life of me I can’t figure out where, I messed up and started to care.”
“When were you gonna tell me?”
Startled, Garner looked up. Hawk was standing in the doorway, skin almost as white as Justin’s and tears running down his cheeks.
Garner looked back down at Justin, incapable of speech at that moment. Hawk took a few steps inside the room and closed the door. “What if I told you I fucked up too?”
A sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, awoke in Garner. But then he realized what he was considering and quickly recognized that it would never work. Hawk didn’t want a relationship, and neither did he? Right?
“It wouldn’t change anything,” Garner said, glancing at Hawk apprehensively. “We’re both the same damaged goods we’ve always been, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. In either of us.”
Hawk hung his head. “I guess you’re right,” he said. “But what if I told you I was a better damaged guy when I’m with you?”
“I’d say I was too,” Garner agreed. “But how does that change things?”
“It doesn’t really,” Hawk said. “I guess the fact that I haven’t slept with a guy more than once in over ten years and you come sailing into Key West and suddenly we’re inseparable was all due to the ‘no expectations’ thing. You’re right. With emotions comes expectations, and once all that started to happen, I’m sure everything would go downhill from there.”
Garner nodded. “It’s been less than a week,” he said. “We’re not naive little schoolboys. We’re fucking adult men who know people don’t fall in love in a week.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Hawk said. “It’s not love yet, but I am feeling something.”
“I’m feeling something too, but you know how this will play out,” Garner explained. “I run physically and you run emotionally. Eventually, we’d both be left out in the cold, and I don’t think either one of us wants that. Personally, I can’t handle it again.”
Hawk looked down at the floor as if all the answers were written in the shiny gray and white tile under his feet. “Then I won’t ask you to,” he said.
Garner closed his eyes. I knew it! “Thank you,” he said, feeling a pang of disappointment. “I think that’s best. We understand each other too well. That’s probably why we got off to such a great start.”
“When will you pull out?” Hawk asked.
“As soon as I know Justin is okay and I get a long enough weather window to cross the gulfstream.”
“I see.”
A nurse knocked on the glass door and pointed to her watch.
Garner nodded and stood. He walked over to Hawk, put his arms around him, and nestled his head against his chest. “We’ve got a little more time. Let’s enjoy what we have and not let it get away from us. Your memory has got to sustain me for a long time.”
Hawk wrapped his arms around Garner, kissed the top of his head, and nodded.
They said goodbye to Justin with a promise to be back at the next visitation.
When they got back to the waiting room, Thompson and Hank were still sitting in those damned uncomfortable chairs, not looking too happy. Hank had obviously filled Thompson in on what was going on with Garner and Hawk. They both stood and smiled when they saw Hawk’s arm draped across Garner’s shoulder.
“Don’t get excited, guys, I’m still leaving,” Garner said. “But we’re gonna make the best of the time we have left.”
“Hey, listen,” Thompson said. “Now that we know Justin is going to be all right, unless you guys need us, we’re gonna head home.”
“Really?” Garner asked. “I wish you wouldn’t. I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”
“Well, the way you keep running, my guess would be never,” Thompson said abruptly. He rested his arm over Hank’s shoulder. “You know, Gar, I know what running is like. Hell, I did it for most of my life. But you showed me how not to be afraid and how to face my fears head on. Hank, and especially I, will always be grateful for that. If I weren’t so angry with you right now, I’d compare you to an angel who sails into people’s lives, changes everything, and then sails away as fast as you came. But one day, man, you’re gonna run out of wind, and what happens then?”
Garner could think of nothing to say. He was certainly no angel, but Thompson was right about one thing. One day he would run out of wind. Life, circumstance, and probably his own choices had screwed him up royally, and there was no way out for him.
Snapping ou
t of his thoughts, he asked, “Can you give me a lift back to the boat? I’m gonna get some clothes for Hawk and me in case we have to stay the night.”
“Sure thing,” Thompson said. “We need to get our stuff anyway, and we’ll bring you back to the hospital on our way out of town.”
“I’d appreciate that.”
Garner kissed Hawk on the cheek and stepped away so Thompson and Hank could say their goodbyes.
The men embraced and exchanged a few words Garner couldn’t hear, then slapped each other on the back and separated. Hank stepped away with tears in his eyes.
“You boys come down and I’ll take you fishing anytime you like,” Hawk said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I’m serious, please don’t be strangers.”
“I promise we won’t,” Hank said, looking around. “I guess that’s it, then; we’d better get a move on.”
“Oh!” Hank pulled his wallet out, dug for a business card, and handed it to Hawk. “Please call us if Justin’s condition changes,” he said. “Or if Garner is gone and you need anything, anything at all, we can be back as fast as our truck will carry us.”
Hawk’s tears were flowing freely now as he stepped up and wrapped his arms around Hank and held on tight. “Thanks, man, I’ll do that.”
The thought of Hank and Thompson coming down to see Hawk and the three of them just hanging out without him stung more than Garner thought it would, but the thought that Hawk might need them because he wasn’t there was like a dagger through his heart. He hung his head and silently cursed himself.
Thompson and Hank headed toward the elevator. Garner kissed Hawk one last time and followed his friends.
The mood was somber, and no one said a word during the ride back to the boat. When they got to the marina, Garner went over to ReelCrazy and grabbed a change of clothes for Hawk and then joined Thompson and Hank on AquaTherapy to pack a change of clothes for himself. He walked into the head, and Hawk’s toothbrush was lying on the counter next to his. He picked them both up, along with his hairbrush and a stick of deodorant, and shoved them into his backpack.
