Breathe

by Abbi Glines

  Jax gazed down at me confused, and then grinned. He stepped over and sat down beside me. “I didn’t mean I thought you were not capable of serving. I meant you’re too young and too beautiful to be flaunted in front of guys who think they have enough money and power to take what they want.”

  My throat went dry at his words.

  He smiled and leaned over and asked in a soft voice, “Do you know you’re beautiful?”

  I swallowed, hoping my dry throat allowed the words through without making me sound all choked up. “I wouldn’t say ‘beautiful.’ I realize I have nice hair and eyes. I got those from my mother. But I don’t have a good personality. So it really takes away from the others.” My words sounded stupid being said aloud, but I realized I managed to bare my soul to this boy yet again. The power Jax held over me disturbed me.

  Jax smiled and took one of my loose curls and played with it absently. “So your personality is bad, is it?” He laughed then, and I stiffened. He traced my cheekbones and the bridge of my nose. “I hate to be the first to break the news to you, but your personality happens to be your most charming asset.”

  I searched for any sign in his perfect face telling me he didn’t mean what he said. “I can’t believe you said that.” I finally heard myself say.

  He touched his finger to my lips. “I think these rank right up there next to your personality.”

  A warm tingly sensation worked its way through my veins, and I shivered.

  “Ah, and you go, do something as enchanting as shivering, and almost break my resolve.”

  He dropped his hands from my face and stopped doing those incredibly wonderful things to me. He stood, walked over to a bookshelf, and leaned up against it as if he were posing for a camera. “I can be good over here. This is safer territory.” I frowned, and he gave me a guilty smile. “You tempt me, Sadie White. You’re sweet, honest, caring, perfectly unique, and because of all those reasons, I am keeping my distance from you.”

  I frowned unsure why all of those things meant he needed to keep me at a distance.

  “Sadie, I have always got what I wanted. Even before I became rich and famous, I had a gift for getting what I want. Now, I have the fame and fortune to get what I want when I want it and for the first time in my life, I want something I can’t have.” He gave me a sad smile. “For the first time, the object of what I want is more important than fulfilling my desires.” Before I could form words to reply, he opened a drawer and pulled out several magazines and laid them in front of me. “These are from my mother’s collection,” he explained.

  They were pictures of him with movie stars, rock legends, and even the president. His name was linked with several famous females, and his personal life laid bare for everyone to see. I had seen articles like these before, but after actually meeting Jax and finding a real person, it seemed hard to think of him as the rock star the media portrayed.

  “See these,” he said with a grimace. “My life isn’t normal. There is no room for me to have a friendship, or any relationship, with someone like you. I want to spend more time with you, and to be honest, friendship isn’t really what I want anymore when it comes to you. I find myself wanting much more, but any girl who enters into a relationship with me has to be cold to put up with the life I am forced to live.” He smiled and walked toward me. “You’re everything I write about in my songs, but can never have.”

  I studied the pictures in my lap. It was easier than watching him say things I didn’t want to hear. Even if he was right. If I spent more time with him, I would want more, too, and I didn’t know the guy in those photos. He was someone completely foreign to me. I just knew Jax. The sweet guy who wanted to go into a grocery store and buy himself a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and took the time to be kind to little girls. I’d never be able to fit into his real world. I wanted to disagree, but I couldn’t. He lived in a world I could never fit into, and I couldn’t make myself protest.

  He stepped forward and stopped in front of me. “There will be transportation for you out front within moments. Ms. Mary will be given directions to let you leave for the evening. Wipe the frown from your pretty face because, by now, she knows what happened, and she will be worried about you.”

  He stepped around me and went to the door. “Stay here as long as you need. I have a room full of guests wondering what I am doing with the gorgeous blond I abducted.” He grinned wickedly at me, and immediately it faded to a sad frown before he left the room.

  * * *

  Chapter Six

  Everything stayed the same. Ms. Mary still gave me a smile and a hot breakfast every morning. Mr. Greg told me stories of his time in World War II and beat me at chess most days. Marcus and I still talked on our way home at night. I even went waterskiing and knee boarding with Marcus, Preston, Rock, Trisha, and Dwayne on Sunday. But even with new friends and a job with people I really cared about, my life seemed to be missing something. There was a void, and I knew why. The frustrating part was I missed him. I’d forced myself to come to grips with the fact I’d lost my heart to Jax Stone the night in the grocery store. The night in the library when he admitted to having an interest in me put another nail in my coffin. I loved Jax. He starred in my dreams both day and night. My heart raced at the chance of a glimpse of him. His words haunted me. Those times when I couldn’t believe Jax would ever notice me enough to want me. I remembered the sadness in his eyes when he walked out the door, and I really believed he meant it.

  Nothing changed the fact I worked in his home. He signed my paychecks. If nothing else but for those two reasons, anything between Jax and I would be impossible. Yet those weren’t the only two. I would never fit into his world.

  I sat out on the beach, waiting for Marcus to finish his shift so he could take me home. Mr. Greg left early due to his not feeling well. It left me with nothing to do. I pulled my knees up under my chin and enjoyed the view. The waves were smooth tonight. I let myself think about Jax and his face when he smiled. It helped to remember him smiling and happy, instead of the expression on his face when he left me in the library. It was depressing enough to be a Shakespearean tragedy. The girl who never thought she would fall in love falls for the guy who can never love her back. Somehow, the fact I sat here comparing my life to Shakespeare proved just how badly I’d fallen.

  Footsteps drew my attention out of my Jax-centered thoughts, and I realized Marcus must be finished. I didn’t turn around. I stayed put and waited until he stopped behind me. “Beautiful view, isn’t it?”

  “Yes it is. Are you in a hurry to get home, or can we enjoy it together?”

  He shrugged and sank down beside me. I smiled to myself when I realized he wasn’t very graceful either. I was more on common ground with Marcus than with Jax. Even if he didn’t make me get goose bumps and go all warm and tingly. Those feelings were addictive, and they couldn’t be healthy.

  We watched in silence for a few minutes before Marcus turned to me. I met his gaze and smiled. My friend. That thought made me smile even bigger. He sighed and shook his head.

  “What?” I asked confused.

  He gave me a sheepish grin. “Sadie, when you smile at me it makes my heart do crazy things.” He blushed and flicked his gaze back toward the water. “I know I'm three years older than you, but you seem so much older than your age.” He took a deep breath. “Okay here goes, I'm trying to prepare myself for the set down, so bear with me.”

  This could not be happening to me. I didn’t know what I would say. Would this mess up our friendship? If I said no, would he still be my friend? I stared at him, waiting for the words I feared would change our relationship forever, while a sick knot formed in my stomach. I didn’t want this to happen. It seemed so unfair. First I lost Jax, whom I never really had to begin with, and now I was going to lose my friend, the guy who always made me laugh when I needed it the most.

  “Sadie.”

  A voice I only heard in my dreams these days broke the silence, and I turned around. Jax was walk
ing toward us. I wanted to cry. I wasn’t sure if it would be tears of joy from seeing the object of my obsession, or from hearing him say my name again.

  “Jax,” I said, a little too breathless as I stood up and faced him.

  His gaze brushed past Marcus. “You can go. I have arranged transportation for Sadie.” He dismissed Marcus as if he were angry at him.

  I glanced at Marcus. A challenge flashed in his eyes, and I realized I would have to deny myself what I wanted most, time alone with Jax, in order to save my friend his job.

  “Thank, you Jax, but I would really rather Marcus took me home.”

  Jax’s eyes left mine, and he frowned at Marcus before turning back to me “Please, Sadie, I know I don’t deserve it, but I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you.”

  My resolve cracked at hearing him say please. I didn’t think I could tell him no again. I looked back at Marcus, his face angrier than I’d ever seen him, and it once again brought me back to the reason I said no to begin with.

  “Jax, this really isn’t necessary. Marcus takes me home every night, and we were in the middle of a conversation we need to finish. You have better things to do than take home your kitchen help.” I hadn’t meant for my words to come out so harsh, and when Jax winced, I hated myself.

  He stepped aside so we could pass. “Of course,” he said, his eyes on the water instead of at me.

  If hearts could shatter, mine just did.

  Marcus took my hand and gently pulled me away from Jax toward his truck. I knew I should look away, but I couldn’t. As if he heard my thoughts, Jax turned toward me with a haunted expression in his eyes. I stopped walking, and Marcus dropped his hand from mine.

  I heard Marcus’s frustrated sigh before he said, “I hope you know what you’re doing, Sadie. He is only going to hurt you.”

  I nodded because I knew he was right. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  Marcus deserved an explanation, but I wouldn’t give him one. This was between Jax and me. I stepped forward and glanced back at my friend. “I have to.” It was the best explanation I could give him. I turned and left him there and walked back to Jax. A relieved smile spread over Jax’s face. I almost laughed when he took a deep breath as if he had been holding it, waiting to see if I would come back.

  He squinted against the glare of the setting sun. “You were right. You should have left with him.”

  I shook my head. “I tried, but I couldn’t do it.”

  He reached out and took my hand in his. A warm tingly sensation coursed up my arm and through every other limb of my body.

  “Come on, Sadie, let’s go for a walk.”

  We held hands as we walked along the edge of the water. Neither of us spoke. I came back to him because I couldn’t walk away. I needed to know why he had come for me, but I didn’t ask. I just waited. Finally, he stopped and stared down at me.

  “Do you know why I didn’t want Marcus to take you home?”

  Allowing myself to believe he missed me wasn’t a safe path for my thoughts. I shook my head no.

  Jax let out a small laugh. “I’m jealous, Sadie.”

  I stood there, trying to let his admission sink in. If he said he missed me, I could believe him. Jealousy, however, seemed too hard to comprehend. “I’ve stood in my room watching the two of you drive away for the past two weeks, and it killed me each time I watched you leave with him. I would sit in my room and contemplate how I would handle it if you fell for him. How could I stay here and watch you look at him with those breathtaking eyes the way I wanted to see you looking at me?”

  He ran his hand through his long dark hair and sighed. “Tonight I couldn’t stay in my room. I watched you out here all by yourself and fought the urge to come to you. Then he came walking out, and I watched the two of you together for longer than I should have. My resolve to stay away from you broke, and I made my way out here before I could stop myself.”

  A frown creased his forehead, and he turned away. “He seems like a man who knows what he wants, and the problem is he wants what I want. If it were anything or anyone else, I could stand back and let him take it.” His blue eyes gazed back at me. “But I can’t let him have you.”

  If he only knew how my every thought wrapped around him. “Marcus will always just be my friend. My feelings for him will never run any deeper than that.”

  Jax reached out and twirled one of my loose curls around his finger. I held my breath and watched him. Finally, after a moment, he tucked it behind my ear.

  “I’m afraid I won’t be able to sit back and watch you from a distance anymore. Trust me when I tell you I have tried hard to push you from my thoughts.” He stepped toward the water, focusing on something far off. “My life hasn’t been normal for years. This is the only time I get to be just me. The rest of the time, I’m on the road, and, several times, I am in the air on my way to Tokyo, Paris, or even Rome. I travel constantly. My name is all over the magazines with pictures of girls I am supposed to be in relationships with, but the fact is I have no time for a relationship. If another famous female teen is in the vicinity, they get our pictures taken together. It is just what is done and expected.”

  He spoke of a guy I didn’t know. I hated being reminded that he was this untouchable idol. He turned back to me and smiled sadly.

  “It’s selfish of me, but I don’t think I can stand it anymore. What little time I have for an average life....” He spread his hands out at the house and beachfront property around him and gave me a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Well, as average as my life can get, I want to spend with you. When I'm on the road this year, traveling from city to city, I want to have the memories of my time with you to keep me warm.”

  He held out his hands as if offering himself. “I don’t want to beg or promise you things I can’t give you. There isn’t much of me to give, but what I have is yours. This is all up to you, Sadie. If you want me, I’m yours. If you can’t do this, then I will walk away and leave you alone. I swear.”

  I stood and stared at the guy standing in front of me, and I knew I should tell him “no” and walk away. My heart reminded me with a loud thump in my chest I would always regret not saying “yes.” I doubted I’d ever feel the same way about anyone ever again. I stepped forward, and he immediately reached for me and pulled me against him. We stood there, me wrapped in his arms for a while before moving or speaking. I knew it wasn’t the smartest decision because, when September rolled around and summer was gone, I would just become the summer girl. Right now, nothing else mattered.

  I whispered against his chest loud enough for him to hear me, “I want whatever part of you I can have.”

  His arms tightened around me. This might eventually shatter me. I loved Jax. His lips touched my head, and I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sweetness of the moment. No one else’s arms could ever feel this right.

  “I want to spend as much time with you as I can. I don’t want to waste a minute,” he said, and I nodded against his chest, and then leaned back and smiled up at him.

  “Tomorrow, will you go deep sea fishing with me?”

  I faltered at his question. I worked every day but Sunday, he knew my hours.

  “I still have a job,” I reminded him.

  Jax frowned and shook his head. “You’re not still going to work for me.”

  I stiffened.

  “Jax, I have to work. If you don’t want me here, I have to go find another job.”

  He placed a finger over my lips and shook his head. “No, I’ll take care of your bills and needs.”

  I stepped back away from his arms. My stomach clenched. I would not be like my mother. I didn’t need a man to take care of me. He wasn’t going to pay me to spend time with him. I took a deep breath hoping I could explain this so he understood.

  “Jax, listen, it is important to me that I earn my own money. I can’t be paid to spend time with you because it would make it cheap somehow. I want to be with you. There should be no money involved. I
need to be an equal, and as crazy as it sounds, the only way I can hope to achieve that in any way is to work for the money I earn. Please, I enjoy working with Ms. Mary and Mr. Greg and even Marcus. I could go somewhere else if you don’t want me working for you, but I really like it here.”

  Jax sighed and reached out to take my hand. “I’m sorry. I am used to people taking my money with no reservation. You’re not like anyone I have ever known, so I should have realized you wouldn’t be comfortable with such an arrangement. You can remain here as long as you want. It will give me a reason to visit the kitchen more.” He winked, and I blushed.

  “Thank you,” I said through the tightness in my throat from fighting back tears of relief and joy.

  Jax smiled. “I should be the one saying thank you. I don’t deserve you, but I'm thankful you don’t realize it.”

  I laughed at him.

  “Come on inside with me while Kane gets our ride ready.”

  We walked up to his house. I realized he was taking me through the family's entrance, and I stopped.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “I, um, I need to go in through the side entrance.”

  He shook his head. “I am agreeing to your working for me, but you are not going to be confined to the servants entrance only. You’re with me, Sadie. When you’re off the clock, you’re not my employee. You’re my...air.”

  I frowned at him. “Your air?”

  He grinned. “Well, girlfriend seems to be too shallow a word for what I feel for you. These past two weeks it’s been as if you control my breathing. When I watched you with Marcus, my chest would tighten, and it became hard to breathe. But then I would see you smile or laugh, and I could take a deep breath again.”

  No wonder this guy wrote songs. My eyes stung, and I hated the fact I always seemed to get all weepy with him.

  “Wow,” I whispered for lack of better words. I wasn’t gifted with his talent of weaving the English language so beautifully.