Breathe

by Abbi Glines

  I grimaced and fought the urge to pry her hands off me. As soon as it ended and she released her ironclad grip, I stepped out of her reach. The nurse grinned at me.

  “That might be wise,” she whispered as she walked past me to check the machine’s beeping.

  Jessica began screaming again, and this time the bed rail was her gripping post. I rubbed my arm, thankful to have put distance between us.

  “Ah, the doctor’s here,” the nurse beamed, obviously ready to get this over with so she could escape the violence being spewed from my mother’s mouth.

  “Are you going to stay for this part?” the doctor asked, frowning as he slipped gloves on his hands.

  Jessica panted and nodded her head. “Yes! She is!” she yelled, and then let out another fierce scream.

  I nodded.

  He shrugged and took his place down by her feet. “All right, Ms. White, are you ready to do this thing?” he asked jovially, and I wondered if someone had to be mentally off to actually be glad he was in the room with a screaming woman about to extract a human from her body.

  “Get it out!” she screamed again.

  He smiled at me. “She’ll be back to normal real soon.” He winked and nodded to the nurse.

  I stepped back toward Jessica’s head when he flipped the white sheet up over her knees.

  “Ok, Ms. White, when the contraction starts, I want you to push as hard as you can,” he instructed.

  Jessica panted, and then began screaming and pushing all at once.

  “That’s great! Keep this up, and we will have a little one here in seconds.”

  She stopped to catch her breath before her face morphed into the monster those men had been speaking of earlier, and she screamed and pushed again. We went through this several more times when I heard a cry that was too soft to be anything but a baby.

  “Beautiful! You can relax now, Ms. White. He has arrived.”

  The doctor had said “he.” I no longer cared about the messy scene going on down by her feet. I just wanted to see this little life that was now a part of mine.

  The nurse wrapped him in a blanket and smiled at me. “You have a brother.” She handed the baby to Jessica who, although exhausted, smiled down at the little life in her hands.

  “Hello, Sam,” she whispered.

  I leaned down over her and studied his miniature features.

  “Sam, meet your big sister, Sadie,” she said, handing the little bundle up to me.

  I stiffened and stared at her like she was crazy.

  “Oh, come on. He’s just a baby, hold him.”

  I slid my arms under him and took him from my mother. His tiny, little fist fought its way out of the blanket, and he swung it around in the air and let out a small cry. I laughed. He was like a little miracle.

  “We need to go clean him and let the pediatrician check him over. However, we will bring him back to eat very soon.” The nurse was standing in front of me with her arms held out.

  “Okay,” I said through the lump in my throat. Reluctantly, I handed over this new little person I already loved and watched her take him away.

  “Don’t worry, you were ugly, too, when you first came out, but after a few days you were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.”

  I glared at Jessica, who had laid her head back and closed her eyes.

  “He’s beautiful now,” I countered. Already the little guy had me wanting to defend him.

  She let out a laugh. “No, he looks like a prune. All new babies do.”

  I frowned and tried to remind myself that Jessica was not normal, so I should not expect her to treat birth normally.

  “Excuse us, but we need to patch some things up for your mom and move her to a room. Why don’t you go get something to eat and rest. This has all been very exciting for you, I am sure.” The nurse, who had been there through it all with us, smiled at me.

  I left the room. I was in a daze at the aftermath when I stepped into the waiting room and was immediately surrounded.

  * * *

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Are you okay?” Marcus was beside me touching my arm.

  I gazed into his big, worried eyes and smiled.

  “Back up, boy, and give her some breathing room. She didn’t just give birth, her mama did.” Ms Mary batted Marcus arm and beamed at me.

  “Is it as beautiful as you are?”

  I laughed and shook my head. “No, he is more beautiful than anything I have ever seen,” I answered truthfully. He’d looked nothing like a prune to me. He was perfect.

  “I find it hard to believe any male could surpass you in beauty,” came another familiar voice. Preston shuffled his feet and grinned.

  I hadn’t seen him behind Marcus. I smiled at him and shrugged. “Well, believe it,” I said, and they all laughed.

  “Move out of the way you bunch of vultures. I can’t even see the girl much less talk to her,” Mr. Greg grumbled as he pushed Marcus out of the way.

  “A boy is it! Well, ain’t that good news. Is he healthy and all?”

  I nodded, glanced over to the nursery window, and saw him being brought in. “There he is. Come see.”

  I turned and went to the glass. He was all bundled up again, but this time nice and clean. The nurse who had come in to take him saw me and brought him over to the window so everyone could see.

  “He is a beauty.” Ms. Mary beamed

  “Look at the little guy. He already has his fist up ready for a fight.” Marcus grinned at me.

  I shook my head and laughed before turning back to my little brother.

  “I guess if there was a pretty boy, then that would be one,” Mr. Greg admitted from his spot behind me.

  I couldn’t agree more.

  “Well, then, how is your mama?” Ms. Mary asked, walking over to the side of the window so others could come see inside as well.

  “She is doing great. She, uh, got a little loud and angry towards the end, but she is good now and was dozing off when I left her.”

  Ms Mary chuckled and shook her head. “I guess you won’t be wanting babies anytime soon after witnessing that.”

  I laughed. “You’re right, I won’t.”

  Marcus came up beside me. “Why don’t you let me take you to get something to eat while you’re waiting. You have to be hungry.”

  I was getting ready to turn him down when Ms. Mary nodded.

  “Let the boys take you for a bite. It will be an hour before they let you back into your mom’s room. Besides, when you leave tonight, it is going to be too dark to stop somewhere on your own.”

  “Sure.”

  I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with any deep conversations with both Preston and Marcus there. I was hungry and getting out of the hospital would be a good change of scenery.

  Luckily, we didn’t have to squeeze into Marcus’s truck because Preston had driven his Jeep. Marcus, however, was stuck in the back, and Preston seemed extremely pleased. We all agreed on going to grab a burger at the Pickle Shack. I hadn’t had any free time since I started my new job, and my visits from Marcus were always short. I was glad we were going to get to sit and talk without my having to hurry off to work.

  We slipped into a booth, and Preston shot Marcus a deadly glare when he slid in beside me. I was beginning to think that Marcus wasn’t overreacting, and maybe Preston did like me. Not that it mattered. My heart didn’t race at the sight of him, and the tingles didn’t come. My knees didn’t go weak when he smiled. He was just another guy. I knew that it would always be this way. I was getting better with dealing with the memories and the pain. Once I had accepted that I would never love someone the way I love Jax, it was a little easier to breath. He would always be in my heart, whether he wanted to be there or not. I just didn’t have enough room for anyone else. He was my air, my soul, and the keeper of my heart.

  “So, you ready for your senior year?” Preston leaned on the table and grinned.

  He had a good grin--even a sexy grin--but it d
id nothing for me. I sighed and shrugged, because the truth was I didn’t care anymore about school. I didn’t think about my future like I had before the summer began.

  “I guess I am as ready as I'll ever be,” I mumbled.

  He frowned, “Your senior year is supposed to be the best year of your life. You have to be excited about it!”

  I wasn’t and I knew they wouldn’t understand, so I didn’t try to explain that my reason for breathing was gone. I nodded as if to agree with him and just kept my mouth shut.

  “I leave in a week to go back to Tuscaloosa. I have to get me an apartment and get moved down before the semester begins.”

  Marcus’s words surprised me. I didn’t realize he was leaving so soon.

  “Really?” I asked, hearing the sadness in my voice.

  He nodded and looked away from me.

  “Well, make sure to come tell me ‘bye,’” I reminded him, thinking that at least this goodbye wasn’t going to zap me of life.

  He gazed at me with a strange expression on his face as if he wanted to say something but was fighting himself about it. “Yeah. I will,” he finally said half-heartedly.

  “Well, the good news is I will not be going anywhere, and you can call me anytime and I will be more than willing to, uh, I don’t know, take you to dinner, a movie, or a--ouch!”

  I jumped, and Preston shot daggers at Marcus.

  “What did you do that for?” he challenged.

  Marcus rolled his eyes. “I stopped you before you made an even bigger idiot of yourself.”

  Preston snorted. “Is he always this moody around you?”

  I grinned and shook my head. “Nope.”

  Preston broke out into a grin. “So, you don’t like the competition, do you, big boy?” he teased, and Marcus glared at his friend and sighed before he turned to me.

  “What he doesn’t realize is that the competition isn’t even at this table.”

  Preston frowned, and then like a light went on he sat back, and he grew serious, which was a first.

  “Can I get you something to drink...wait, OMG it is you! Ah, I can’t believe it! Jax Stone’s girlfriend.”

  The girl rummaged through her apron and pulled out a piece of paper and handed me a pen. “Can I have your autograph, please?”

  I was too shocked to respond, or move for that matter. I looked at Marcus, and I guess he noticed the panic in my eyes, because he took the paper and pen and handed it back to the girl.

  “Uh, why don’t you take our drink order instead?”

  The girl’s grin fell, and I dropped my eyes to my hands. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond. This was not something I had seen coming.

  Marcus ordered me a Coke, and then took my hand. “I guess you haven’t been around town lately?” he asked cautiously.

  I shook my head, but didn’t meet his gaze.

  He sighed deeply and leaned down toward me. “Things are going to be a little different for you, for a while at least. You’re still on the news some, and, well, around this small town, you’re a star. No one has ever gotten as close to fame as you have.”

  I closed my eyes. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Jax had left me to keep this from happening. Was my life going to always be this way? When would everyone realize the rock star had left me? I was no longer his, and I was no longer interesting. I was just Sadie White.

  “Sadie, look at me, please,” Marcus whispered.

  I met his eyes slowly and noticed the waitress pointing our way.

  “Great, she is announcing my presence,” I muttered.

  Marcus turned around to see the girls looking our way. He turned to Preston. “Could you go put those pretty boy looks to good use and distract the ‘OMG’ squad over there.”

  Preston nodded. “Sure.” He went over to the girls, and, almost immediately, he had them giggling and smiling at him.

  Relief washed over me. “Do you think he will go to school with me and do that?” I asked quietly.

  Marcus chuckled. “No, you’ll be on your own there. But, remember, they will get over it. It’s just Jax recorded a new song, and it’s rumored all over the news that it is about you. It hit number one its first week on the radio. The buzz is being fed a little more.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “What does the song say?” I heard myself asking. Why I wanted to know was beyond me. This was going to be painful but I still wanted to know.

  Marcus dropped his hands from mine and shifted in his seat. “Enough for me to know it is about you,” he said with no emotion to his voice.

  I nodded and turned my attention to watching the world outside the window. Preston returned with our Cokes and sat them at the table.

  “Thanks for that,” I said, nodding toward the giggling girls who now only had eyes for Preston.

  He shrugged and grinned. “Not a problem. I’m glad these good looks are good for something.” He winked and took a sip of his Coke.

  I relaxed and took a drink too. I had so much to take in today. Our two had become three, and I needed to get ready for a baby in the house. And then there was the fact I was apparently well known by complete strangers. I let my mind go to Jax’s new song, and my heart raced when I thought about it. I had watched him writing out at the gazebo as I worked in the gardens the last few weeks we were together. Back then, I had never dreamed what he was working on was about me. If it was about me, what did it say? Were the words going to rip into me and bring the dark blanket back? Would Marcus have to come back into my room and force me out of my pain? I needed to know what the words said. I needed to know if he spoke of what we had, with joy or sorrow. Did he find light in our memories, or were they fading for him?

  I ordered my burger, and we ate with only simple small talk. Marcus and Preston talked about Rock’s upcoming wedding, and then football. Finally, once I knew I was strong enough to hear the answer, I asked Marcus, “Will the words hurt me?” I knew he was going to know what I was talking about.

  Marcus smiled sadly and shook his head. “I don’t think so, Sadie, but that depends on what hurts you. He describes you and how he feels about you. If that is going to be painful, then yes.”

  I swallowed to keep my throat from closing up.

  Preston cleared his throat, “What are you talking about?”

  Marcus squeezed my hand. “Jax’s new number one.”

  Preston’s eyes widened, and he gawked at me, and then back at Marcus, “That’s about Sadie?”

  Marcus raised his eyebrows as if to dare him to say more. “Yes, it is.” He threw his words out like a challenge.

  “Hell, no wonder people want her autograph,” he mumbled and took a bite of his sandwich.

  I had to hear that song. “Preston, I want to go out to your Jeep and listen to the radio. Do you mind?”

  He shook his head. “Nah, the keys are in it.”

  Marcus stood and let me out. I started to walk toward the door, and he grabbed my hand. I turned back to him.

  “Are you going to be okay by yourself?” he asked in a hushed tone.

  “I need to do this alone,” I assured him, and he let me go.

  I sat and flipped through a few channels until I found one that I knew would most likely play it often, and I waited. I didn’t have to wait long. The moment the guitar began, I knew whose song it was. I had heard those exact chords being played outside while I worked in the garden. Even if this song wasn’t for me, he had written it when he had been with me. When he was mine. Because of that, it was special to me. And then his voice joined the music, and I got lost.

  “Your eyes hold the key to my soul. Your hands heal all my pain, and you’re everything that makes this boy whole. When you breathe, it sends warmth through my veins. When you laugh, my body goes insane. You’re all I need to survive. Your body is what makes me feel alive.

  “Don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heart is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead, I’m everything that’s
wrong. No, no, don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heart is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead I’m everything that’s wrong.

  “The day you walked into my life. I knew it was no sacrifice to let you in. I wanted nothing more than to win your heart. And once I had it, my poison ruined everything. So now all I can do is stand here alone with my guitar and sing.

  “Don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heat is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead I’m everything that’s wrong. No, no, don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here, when your heart is broken How I long to be all you need. But instead, I’m everything that’s wrong.”

  “And that, my friends, is Jax Stone’s new chart-topping ‘Don’t Cry.’” The D.J.’s voice droned on, and I reached and turned off the radio.

  It did hurt. The pain was there. But his voice had been like a balm to my wounds. I had something now that would help ease the hurt. It wouldn’t make it go away, of course, but hearing his voice was enough to ease the pain if only for a short time. I could make it from day to day if I could just hear his voice. If I could just hear my song.

  * * *

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sam didn’t sleep at night. He slept wonderfully during the day while I worked, but in the evenings he stayed awake. Jessica seemed to be in some sort of depression, and when I came in the door, she handed me Sam and went in her room and cried. Ms. Mary said this was normal. Jessica suffered from the “Baby Blues,” so I didn’t worry about it, too much, except I wasn’t getting any sleep. Jessica slept all night, and if I tried to wake her, she burst into tears. When she cried, Sam cried, so I just left her alone. He and I bonded during this time. I talked to him about everything I couldn’t say to anyone else. I told him about life with Jessica and how he would love her, but not to ever expect a normal mom. I assured him that he’d be fine, because I would always be there if he needed me. I told him about Jax. I emptied my soul to a newborn baby, but it made it easier to breathe freely again when I talked about him. Sam cooed and smiled and kicked. He liked for me to talk, so I did. I made him happy, and it helped me cope.