Ant Farm

by Simon Rich

  1. BOBBY LAMBERT

  This guy is great at hockey! He had forty points in the 2006-2007 season with my favorite hockey team, the Fort Wayne Warriors. He went out with my mom for almost two weeks. I didn’t get to see him very often because my mom had made a rule that I couldn’t leave my room when her boyfriends were over. Still, one night I decided to sneak out of my room and wait in the kitchenette. I mean, how many chances do you get to see a real hockey player in your own house? When I showed Bobby my puck collection, he was super-impressed. “What the hell is going on?” he kept saying. “What the goddamn hell is going on?” Then he looked at my mom and started to cry! It was awesome because I always feel ashamed when I cry. But I thought, If a guy like Bobby Lambert can cry, an AHL all-star center with thirty-five assists, then it’s okay if I do too. Bobby kept crying and I was so blown away that I started crying too. And when I went over to him, he hugged me with his huge arms and it was like I had just scored a goal and he had given me the assist.

  my friend’s new girlfriend

  My friend Jared found a girlfriend this summer, and I am so jealous. We’re the two least popular kids in the ninth grade and we’ve always been best friends. But now Jared’s always bragging about his girlfriend and how awesome she is. It makes me feel so pathetic.

  I’ve never had a girlfriend before, but this girl sounds incredible. Her name is Tiffany Sparkle. She goes to a different school, a modeling academy in New Brunswick. He showed me some pictures of her from magazines, and believe me, she is hot. He met her over the summer, when he was visiting his grandparents in Canada. He saved her life. She was about to get run over by a double-decker bus when all of a sudden Jared skateboarded through traffic and pushed her out of the way. There was a huge crowd of Canadians standing around, and when Jared saved Tiffany’s life everybody just started cheering like crazy. Then she kissed him on the mouth. When I heard that story, I was like “Give me a break!” because it was just about the coolest thing I had ever heard in my entire life! They spent the rest of the summer having sex all over the place in all of the different sex positions. And now they talk every night on the phone.

  The amazing thing about this girl is that she isn’t just hot. She also shares a lot of Jared’s interests. She’s totally into Web design and the game Warcraft. And she’s also really shy. For example, when she visited Jared over spring break, she didn’t want to meet me because she was too embarrassed. When I heard that, I was like “Come on!” because that is so like Jared. It’s kind of amazing that they found each other.

  There are other similarities too. Like, he showed me a letter she wrote him last week about how she wanted to try out some new kind of sex position, and at first I thought he had written it himself because their handwritings are so similar. Tiffany also has severe bronchial asthma, which is pretty great for Jared, because now he has someone to talk to about that.

  The big ninth grade dance is in four days. I asked Jared to set me up with one of Tiffany’s friends from her modeling academy, but he said that everybody there already has a boyfriend. I asked him for advice on how to find a date, but all of his suggestions involved saving girls’ lives. In the end, I decided to just walk up to this girl I like named Laura and ask her point-blank if she wanted to go with me. I was so nervous that my arms and legs were shaking really fast like they do in gym class when the teacher says it’s my turn to lead stretches. But I asked her anyway and she said yes.

  I talk to Laura on the phone every night now, which is pretty great, because Jared never has time to talk to me anymore. He’s not even going to the dance! Tiffany’s flying to the U.S. for one night only and she hates dancing so they’re just going to stay home and try out new sex positions. It’s amazing. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My date Laura is pretty cool, and other than her leg brace she’s very attractive, but she’s certainly no Canadian model. It’s hard to believe that when I’m on the dance floor this Friday, trying to work up the guts to kiss Laura for the first time, Jared’s going to be at home in his bedroom making love to the girl of his dreams. Some guys have all the luck.

  III

  invisible

  People assume that being invisible is fun, what with the free concerts and the constant unspeakable sex acts. But there are some downsides.

  Every day has its trials. When I go to use a urinal at a ball game, I have to make sure there’s no one waiting behind me. When I ride the subway I always stand, for fear of fat people.

  My friends never notice when I get a new haircut. And when I call them on it, their compliments never sound sincere.

  When I was a lifeguard, I never got any credit for any of my heroic rescues. It was always “angel this” and “angel that.” Same thing when I was a male prostitute.

  When I streaked at the ’96 Olympics, it wasn’t televised and I was impaled by a javelin. Worse, I never received any cash from the TV miniseries Legend of the Floating Javelin. When I took the network to court, the judge declared a mistrial and asked to be lobotomized.

  It’s really hard to earn a living. I got laid off at the museum because my tour groups kept getting lost. Despite my good looks, acting roles are few and far between. The only film part I ever landed was as a nonspeaking extra in Cast Away. I didn’t get a screen credit, even though I lost forty pounds for the role.

  Sometimes, when I’m alone, I think about how great visible life would be. People nodding hello. Cars slowing down. That’s usually when I commit a really terrible sexual act of some kind.

  crayola co.

  —Thanks for coming, Samuel.

  —No problem, boss. I’ll have those new color names on your desk by five.

  —That’s fine. Listen, Sam … have you been having problems at home?

  —Well, actually, yeah. How did you know? Who told you?

  —Well… to be honest, I could sort of tell by the quality of your work.

  —But I’ve been writing ten crayon titles a day!

  —I know, but some of these colors … Sad Blue …Sad Green … Horrible Red … Sad Red … Really Sad Blue … Divorce Sienna … Divorce Brown … Divorce Green … Divorce Pink … It’s just … a little repetitive, you know?

  —Well, all the colors have been more or less the same lately. What can I say? When it comes to crayon naming, you have to go with your first instinct. Like, look at this new shade of orange. What pops into your mind?

  —I don’t know … sunshine?

  —Well, yeah. Or divorce. I would say Divorce Orange. Except there already is a Divorce Orange. So then …I guess, no name. Just a nameless color.

  —I think maybe you need a vacation.

  —Really?

  —Look, to be honest, last month’s colors were a little off too. Adultery Red … Ultimatum Pink … Lawyers Green … Settlement Blue … Countersettlement Light Blue … Maybe you need to take some time away from the office. You know, to resolve the crisis in your marriage?

  —Look, boss. No offense, but I’m just not buying all this psychobabble. I mean, Craig came up with Ladybug Red today. That doesn’t mean he has a bug problem at home or whatever.

  —Okay. But what about your colors from two months ago? Temptation Red? Considering Adultery Blue? Considering Adultery Yellow?

  —What about them?

  —I think you should take the rest of the day off.

  —Okay, you’re the boss. I guess I’ll see you divorce.

  —Do you mean … “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  —That’s what I said.

  “may or may not contain peanuts”

  —Boss? I got to talk to you. It’s about Al. I think it’s time for him to retire.

  —Peanut Al? No way. That guy’s been the heart and soul of this factory for decades.

  —I know, but he’s really dropping the ball out there. His only job is to put peanuts into the batter. And half the time he forgets.

  —I know! It’s just … Al used to be the best peanut man in the business. I can’t throw him out onto the
streets! Even if he is ninety-seven.

  —Hello, boss. Peanut Al here.

  —Hi, Al! How are you holding up?

  —I don’t remember if I added the peanuts or not.

  —Jesus.

  —Peanut Al is going home to sleep. Tired as all hell.

  —All right. Goodbye, Al.

  —Peanut Al needs to get some rest. You know what? I don’t remember a goddamn thing that happened today. I might’ve put something in the batter. Not peanuts.

  —Wow.

  —See you tomorrow.

  —See what I mean, boss? What are we going to do?

  —I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to figure out something to write on the label.

  medieval england

  In medieval England, all measurements were based on the king’s body parts.

  AT THE CRICKET MATCH

  —Wow, he tossed that over thirty feet!

  —Thirty Henry feet?

  —No. Thirty James feet.

  —Oh. That’s only ten Henry feet.

  —I know. Or five Henry thumbs.

  —Henry was a terrifying man.

  —Let’s not talk about him.

  AT THE TAILOR

  —I’d like a suit.

  —No problem. How tall are you?

  —Let’s see … about one king tall.

  —Can you be more specific?

  —Well, actually, no.

  —Dammit.

  —I also need some gloves. My hands are… about one hand long.

  —Yes, I can see that.

  AT THE DOCTOR

  —Your blood pressure is two Henrys.

  —Is that good or bad?

  —It’s really bad.

  patron of the arts

  Donate to the City Museum now and you’ll receive the following benefits!

  FRIEND (CONTRIBUTIONS OF $1–$49)

  Official City Museum Badge.

  A private tour of the City Museum, conducted by the Head Curator.

  PATRON (CONTRIBUTIONS OF $50–$299)

  Official City Museum Tie.

  Invitation to have tea with the Head Curator and his family at his private residence.

  ANGEL (CONTRIBUTIONS OF $300–$799)

  Permission to destroy any work of art and replace it with your own work.

  The Head Curator will perform a dance for you in front of his peers.

  MESSIAH (CONTRIBUTIONS OF $800-$2,999)

  The Head Curator will come to your house and make you dinner. After dinner he will massage your back with oils.

  The Head Curator will dance for you twice, once in front of his peers and once in front of his own children.

  PHARAOH (CONTRIBUTIONS OF $3,000-$24,999)

  Whenever the Head Curator sees you, he will salute, curtsy, and then run in place until you motion for him to stop.

  Unlimited dances.

  WARLORD (CONTRIBUTIONS OF $25,000 AND UP)

  One night with the Head Curator’s wife.

  Whenever you snap your fingers, the Head Curator will drop whatever it is he is doing and burst spontaneously into song.

  15 % discount at Gift Shop.

  baseball’s hardest worker

  Nobody in the history of baseball had it rougher than Cy Young, the most durable pitcher the game has ever known.

  CLEVELAND STADIUM DUGOUT, 1904

  CY: I don’t know if I can handle another triple-header. Couldn’t we have some sort of rotation system?

  MANAGER: What’s with you today, Cy? You haven’t sold a single hot dog, the dugout’s filthy, the scoreboard’s busted. That’s three strikes. You only have five strikes left.

  CY: Can we please lower the number of strikes per out?

  MANAGER: Strike four, Cy.

  LATER THAT DAY

  CY: Tomorrow’s my seventy-fifth birthday. Can I please have the day off?

  MANAGER: Can’t do that, Cy. We’ve got fifty games tomorrow and you’re pitching all of them.

  CY: Oh my God. Who’s catching?

  MANAGER: Who’s what?

  CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL WARD

  CY: So, how many strikeouts is it going to take for you to walk again?

  SICK BOY: I need two kidneys.

  CY: What?

  DOCTOR: Remove the jersey.

  ———————

  orel hershiser

  I’d like to thank God for this victory.

  I couldn’t have done it without him.

  —OREL HERSHISER, L.A. Dodgers

  ANGEL: God? Can I talk to you for a second?

  GOD: I’m watching the game.

  ANGEL: I know—I’m sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to tell you: There’s been a flood in Asia. Four hundred thousand people have lost their homes.

  GOD: Listen, I don’t think you understand. Orel Hershiser is on the mound. If he wins this game, he’ll improve his record to 13-3. That’s ten games over .500.

  ANGEL: I know, I’m sorry, it’s just… If we don’t act in the next thirty minutes, thousands of people might drown.

  GOD: Slide, Martinez! Slide, dammit! I’m sorry …I wasn’t listening. What were you saying?

  ANGEL: If you don’t stop the rains soon, thousands will die. They’ve been praying all night. I really think you should answer them.

  GOD: It looks like I’m going to have to intervene.

  ANGEL: Really? Oh, that’s great news!

  ANNOUNCER: Orel Hershiser winds up … Strike three! Wow—that fastball came out of nowhere!

  GOD: Boo-yah! That’s what I’m talking about!

  ANGEL: When you said you were going to intervene … were you talking about the baseball game or the flood?

  GOD: What flood?

  ANGEL: (sighing) There’s been a flood in Asia. Hundreds of thousands of people—

  GOD: Shit! Hold on a second …I need to concentrate.

  ANNOUNCER: Mike Piazza pounds Hershiser’s curveball into deep right field! He’s rounding second … he should get to third base easily … Oh no! He’s down! His leg just buckled underneath him! He’s screaming now … wow … he really seems to be in a lot of pain. Here comes the tag … he’s out. Looks like the Dodgers are the winners. Although I’m sure they didn’t want to win like this.

  ANGEL: Okay, the game’s over. Can we please talk about the flood now?

  GOD: In a second. I want to hear the postgame interview.

  HERSHISER: I’d like to thank God for this victory. I couldn’t have done it without him.

  GOD: Hey, did you hear that! Did you hear what he just said!

  ANGEL: Yes, I heard.

  GOD: Man …I love that Hershiser guy.

  ANGEL: Can we talk about the flood now?

  GOD: In a minute. NASCAR’s on. I got to make sure Greg Biffle wins.

  ANGEL: Do you really have to watch NASCAR?

  GOD: Yes! I don’t think you get it. There are people out there who are counting on me.

  if life were like hockey

  POLICE OFFICER: I can’t believe it! You just hit that man, deliberately, with a stick. Right in the back, as hard as you could! You didn’t even try to hide what you were doing.

  CRAZY PERSON: What are you going to do about it?

  POLICE OFFICER: I’m … going to make you sit on that bench. For two minutes.

  CRAZY PERSON: Can I bring along my stick?

  POLICE OFFICER: Yes.

  CRAZY PERSON: Sounds good. (To victim) I’ll see you in two minutes.

  VICTIM: Officer! What am I supposed to do?

  POLICE OFFICER: I don’t know. Fight him?

  ———————————

  colombiatourism.com

  Thank you for visiting ColombiaTourism.com! Here are some useful phrases for your vacation. Click on them for English-to-Spanish translations.

  “Which way to the restaurant?”

  “How much does it cost?”

  “Where is the bathroom?

  “Who are you?”

  “Oh my God, where are
you taking me?”

  “Please do not put the rag inside of my mouth.”

  “My father is a wealthy man. I promise he will pay the amount you have requested, provided that you spare my life.”

  “I have not seen your face. If you release me, I promise, I will not be able to identify you.”

  “I have a family whom I love. Deep down, I am like you.”

  “I agree with your sentiments about America. Your philosophy is correct and very reasonable.”

  “I feel a strong emotional bond toward you, even though you are my captor.”

  “With every passing day, we are becoming better friends. Say, that is a unique gun. May I see it?”

  “Thank you.”

  “The tables have turned!”

  “Do not move while I put the chains on you. I will shoot!”

  “Officer! Three men tried to kidnap me. Arrest them at once.”

  “What are you doing? Why are you putting the handcuffs on me?”

  “Oh my God, you are in league with the kidnappers. How can this be? Is there no law in this land?”

  “Yes, I will stop talking.”

  ant farm

  —All right men, listen up. As you know, we’ve built seven tunnels and we still haven’t found a way through the glass. I can tell you’re discouraged and I don’t blame you. Tunnel 7 was our most ambitious project to date and you all risked your lives to make it happen. But rest assured, we’ll be out of this hellish wasteland soon enough. I have a plan.