Instead of answering, I say, “We should go shopping. You need a car seat in your car. We shouldn’t even be sitting; we need to pack, so Savannah can stay with you tonight.” I stand, but Ian’s hand reaches out like a snake lunging for its prey. He grabs my wrist and pulls me back onto the couch.
“We have time for that later. Let’s get this over with first.”
I yank my wrist away and scoot to the other end of the couch. I need distance. Being so close to him is causing my brain to short-circuit and I can’t think straight. Everything I wanted to possibly talk about, I can’t remember now. “How did your conversation with your father go?” I ask. That’s related, but not really about us.
The anger immediately rolls off of him. “How do you think? I accidentally said she, so he said something about her being a girl and I told him it wasn’t any of his fucking business. He wanted to keep it from me and until I can get over it, he’s not going to know about her. I haven’t spoken to him since and don’t plan to.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Why? You told him. He promised to tell me and told you that he did when he didn’t. What he did isn’t on you.”
“If you can’t forgive him, how can you forgive me? We basically did the same thing.”
Ian sighs and looks away. I wait patiently for his answer. Ian turns his head and settles those green eyes on me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
His question stumps me at first. “Well, I initially thought you knew and then I was stunned that you didn’t. I planned to tell you; that’s why I was quick to agree to have dinner with you, but I wanted to see where you were in life and we ended up having sex and things were just like they always were. After that…” My voice trails off. “I don’t know. I was just swept up in what was going on with us and I kept thinking I needed the right moment. It didn’t take long before I was in too deep and I didn’t know how to get out.”
“That’s why I can forgive you.” What? “You never intended for me to never find out. Dad did. He didn’t want me distracted for my first season. His reasons are fucked up. Yours aren’t as bad.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m not there yet, though.” I nod in understanding. “What do your parents think about all of this?”
“I haven’t had a chance to talk to them since you found out. Well, I talked to my mom yesterday since Logan was in the car accident, but we only talked about him. They’ll be glad that you know and I’m getting some help.”
“Oh, yeah. That reminds me.” Ian leans over to reach into his back pocket for his wallet. “I also started a college fund and a trust fund for her.” He hands me a check and my eyes widen at the figure.
“This is more than five hundred dollars, Ian.”
“Yeah, well, I talked to a lawyer today.” That makes me stiffen, but he doesn’t seem to notice. “And he says with the difference in our incomes, that’s a better amount. Not to mention, I have three years to catch up on, so if you ask me, it’s still too low.”
“Why are you talking to a lawyer?”
He finally notices my discomfort and reaches for my hand. “Hey,” he says softly. “Stop whatever you’re thinking. You said yourself you didn’t know how to get me on the birth certificate. One of the guys basically recommended him if I had any questions about anything, so I made an appointment to talk about that and the child support. That’s it.”
“Okay. Sorry. I just wasn’t expecting it. Can we put the birth certificate thing on hold until the summer? I don’t have time to add something else to my never-ending to-do list.”
“Yeah. There’s no rush.” He’s still holding my hand, his thumb rubbing over my knuckles. It’s maddening how that can turn me on. There is definitely something wrong with me. “I’ve been thinking about something else,” he says.
“What?”
“I could have more time with her if you guys lived with me. I feel like I need to play catch up here, Sydney.”
“No.”
His thumb stops moving and he lifts his eyes to look at me. That wasn’t what he was expecting. “What? Why?”
“This is Savannah’s home. Unless you and I are in a serious relationship where we would live together long-term, then I’m not living with you. I’m not moving her out of her home just to make it easier for you to see her. She needs stability.”
“She can have that at my house.”
I pull my hand away from his. “What happens when you decide that you don’t want a relationship with me and want to see someone else? I’ll have to move her again. Or what happens if you get traded before I’m done with school? I’d have to move because I’ve seen your apartment. I can’t afford that place. Not to mention, it’s convenient for me to live here since my babysitters are here. Have you even thought this through? We can’t just—”
“Will you fucking stop it? This is exactly what I’m talking about!” Ian stands and starts to pace. “You’ve had three years with her, Sydney. I’ve had a week! I don’t feel like she’s mine. I don’t feel like I’m a father! I feel more like either a fucking babysitter or like I’m just hanging out with this kid than a dad. That’s fucked up!” He pinches the bridge of his nose to calm himself from his outburst. “So, no. I didn’t think about any of that. The only thing I was thinking about was what I could do to make her feel like she was my kid.” His hand falls and he looks at me with nothing but defeat in his eyes.
My heart breaks for him. I’ve bonded with Savannah practically since the moment I found out I was pregnant. Ian hasn’t had a chance to really do that. “I wish I could say yes, but—”
“I wouldn’t have asked you to move in if I didn’t think we would eventually work things out between us.”
That stumps me because it was my main argument. My heart swells with hope. He sees us being together? There’s hope for us?
“What if you quit your job? You wouldn’t need a babysitter then, right?” he adds, obviously still thinking on how he can convince me to move in with him.
“I need money, Ian,” I point out.
“I could take care of you. You’ve taken care of Savannah without me for almost three years. Take time off to finish school and let me take care of you and Savannah.” When I open my mouth to respond, most likely to object, he sits down next to me, takes my hand, and begs, “Babe, please.” He’s pure desperation right now; that’s something I never thought I’d see when it comes to Ian.
“Can I think about it?”
“Yeah, of course. It’s a big decision.”
That’s new, too. I expected him to demand an answer, to push and prod until I gave in and said yes, because that’s what Ian does. He’s always wanted what he wanted, when he wanted, and he demanded you give it to him on his time. Ian doesn’t give up until I give in. That’s how it’s always been. Until now, apparently.
“Let’s pack.”
Ian follows me to my room and watches me pack for her. He asks if he can pick her up from daycare and I tell him he can. I’ll have to call and let them know he’ll be getting her. I listen as he tells me about how they played hide and go seek and their time in the pool. Ian should give himself more credit because while he may not feel like her father, he is great with her. That matters. We go to the store and Ian buys a car seat. I show him how to install it, careful to not sound like a know-it-all. I haven’t meant to so far, but I need to remind myself that Ian is learning a lot for the first time what I’ve known for a while.
We part ways after that. I try to get some homework done before heading back to the hospital to check in on Logan. Carey is supposed to meet me there before she goes into work.
“Where’s Savannah?” Logan asks when I walk into his room.
“Well, I missed you too. Ian is…shit.” I never called the daycare! My phone starts ringing with a call from them. Sure enough, they want to confirm that Ian can pick her up. Ian’s going to make me pay for that in some way. He’s her father and because I forgot to call, there was a fuss made, I’m sure, and they had to get my p
ermission. When I hang up, I pick up where I left off. “Ian is obviously picking her up from daycare and she’s having a sleepover with him.”
“Tell him to come here. I want to see her. Surgery went well, but they aren’t sending me home until tomorrow because I passed out earlier.” He rolls his eyes.
I quickly text Ian. “What happened?”
“I think I just needed food, but I don’t know. The doctor said some shit and now I’m staying.”
“That’s shit you need to be paying attention to,” Carey chastises him.
Logan just shrugs. “I’m ready to get the hell out of here. Are you going to be my nurse?” He bats his eyes at her with a sugary smile that makes me want to throw up. They’ve gotten to a point in their friendship where they have this weird flirting thing going on. It gives me the creeps.
“If you’re nice enough, I’ll give you a sponge bath.”
“Okay, are y’all trying to make me vomit?” I interrupt.
“That’s a bonus,” Logan says with a grin. “How are things with you and Ian?”
“I’m glad you asked.” I sit on the edge of his bed, careful of his leg, and explain what’s happened since we last talked. I’d like their input on whether I should move in with him or not. The idea of me not working is both appealing and makes me want to scrunch up my nose in disapproval. I’d love to only focus on school and Savannah, but the thought of financially depending on Ian one hundred percent is scary.
“Move in with him,” Logan says as Carey says, “Don’t you dare move in with him.”
“Gee, thanks. So helpful.”
Logan looks at Carey. “Why shouldn’t she? They’re going to end up together one way or another. Ian makes a good point about spending more time with Savannah and since Sydney over here lied by omission, if she can make it more convenient for him, she should. Not to mention, she deserves a break and he’s giving her one by letting her quit her job.”
“Because if she quits her job, what happens when they don’t work out? She’ll have no money, no job, and depending on our living situation at that time, no place to live!”
“He wouldn’t just kick her out,” Logan argues.
I listen to them bicker back and forth as they say exactly why I’m nervous about moving in with Ian. But then, there’s a knock on the door and they shut up.
“Come in,” I call out.
“Lo-Lo!” Savannah couldn’t grasp Logan for some reason and she ended up calling him Lo-Lo instead. It’s stuck. She runs over to the bed, leaving Ian behind without a second thought once she sees Logan’s leg and the cuts on his face. “You have boo-boos!”
“Yeah, I do. Come give me a hug and make it better.”
I help her onto the bed. She crawls up to him and throws her arms around him all dramatic-like.
“Oh, Lo-Lo missed you,” he says as she pulls away to sit in his lap. “Are you having fun with your daddy?”
She glances at Ian, who is now standing in the room, but away from everyone. Savannah nods and whispers, “He say bad word.”
Everyone looks at Ian.
“Someone pulled out in front of me,” he explains with a bit of embarrassment.
“Lo-Lo, wanna sleep over at Daddy’s?” Savannah is obviously done ratting her father out.
“I wish I could, but I have to stay here and let the doctors take care of my boo-boos for one more day. Lo-Lo will pick you up from daycare tomorrow and we’ll play all afternoon, okay?”
“Okay.” Her voice is full of disappointment, though.
“Sydney, can I talk to you for a sec?” Ian asks.
“Sure.”
I follow him out of the room, wondering what he wants and hope Logan gets his fill of Savannah before they have to leave.
“Two things,” he starts. “Zane was wanting to hang out tonight, but I told him Savannah was with me, and he wants to meet us at the rink.”
I wait for him to say more, but when he doesn’t, I realize he wants permission. I think. “He’s your friend, Ian. If you think he’ll be a decent adult around our daughter, then I trust you.”
“Right,” he nods as if he knew that all along. “Are you coming to my apartment when you get off work?”
“Wasn’t planning to.”
“Have a sleepover, too, Sydney.” His hand reaches out to grip my hip. His touch is always my weakness, especially when he slips his thumb underneath the fabric of my T-shirt to rub my skin. “Please?” God, what is it with him and please? Has he ever said please so much in his life? I don’t think so.
Wordlessly, I nod my head in answer, making him grin.
Zane is on one side of Savannah while I’m on the other, each of us holding her hand. She’s been having a blast so far. My chest wants to puff with pride so badly because she’s a fast learner. She hasn’t asked to skate on her own yet, which is good because I’m suddenly realizing how dangerous it is if she were to fall and hit her head and I don’t think I’m ready for that step.
“Woah,” Savannah says when she sees a girl in a skating dress, twirling around. “I want do that!”
Zane laughs. “You’re asking the wrong people.”
She gets so distracted by the girl that we eventually sit down to watch her. She’s not here for a lesson, but it looks like she’s practicing all the same. Savannah can’t take her eyes off of her.
“Teach me, Daddy,” she says, pointing when the girl jumps and twists in the air before landing perfectly.
“Uh, Daddy doesn’t know how to do that.”
Zane snorts and I glare at him. “You have to learn how to skate first, Savannah,” he tells her.
“And be really good at it,” I add.
“I want do that!” Even while talking to us, she hasn’t looked away from the girl. She’s completely fascinated.
“Hey, Z. Can you watch her and make sure when I come back she’s still with you, alive, and unharmed?”
He laughs. “Sure, man.”
I leave them to talk to someone at the front desk and ask for all the information on their beginner skating programs. Savannah learning how to skate is a good thing any way you look at it. Hopefully, I can talk Sydney into bringing her since I won’t always be able to, obviously. Then, once that’s over, she’s old enough, and she’s still interested, if she wants to learn how to figure skate, I’ll talk Sydney into signing her up for that, too.
When I come back, Zane is in the process of taking her skates off. “She’s hungry and demanding ice cream, but I told her we’d have to see what you said.”
“Does your mom ever give you ice cream for dinner?”
“Yep,” she immediately says.
“Don’t lie, little Miss.”
“I’m not!”
She’s cute, even when she’s being a little liar. Zane hangs out with me way longer than expected, going to dinner with us and going back to my apartment to watch cartoons. He did teach her something while we were hanging out, though. Savannah no longer wants to high-five. She wants to fist-bump because that’s what Z does.
Shortly after he left, Sydney texted me and said to make sure to give Savannah a bath—a text which came with some tips of basically do’s and don’ts. Can’t lie; I’m relieved she did that because when I first started reading it, I panicked. I can’t wait for the time when I won’t feel like an idiot at every turn when it comes to Savannah.
My goal is to get her to sleep in the guest bedroom by herself. I want to be able to have Sydney all to myself tonight, even though I’m not planning on anything happening. I miss her. And I want her without Savannah on the other side of me like last time. That makes me feel a little bad until I realize that if they do move in, Savannah would have her own room anyway. She only slept in the same bed that first night because she was scared.
The bath goes smoother than expected, and then I get her into the bed in the guest bedroom. I turn on the lamp and tuck her in.
“Okay, Savannah. You get to sleep in here all by yourself like a big girl. I’m goi
ng to leave the light on, though, okay? Because I don’t have a nightlight. And if you need anything or if you wake up and need me, just shout and I’ll come. You don’t even have to get out of bed.”
Savannah frowns. “By myself?”
“Yeah, just like a big girl.”
“But you look for monsters. Lo-Lo always look for monsters.”
So, I check the closet and under the bed. “No monsters. Goodnight.” I lean down and kiss her forehead.
“Night.”
I return to the living room and plop onto the couch. Kids are tiring. I think this every time I’m with Savannah, and I can’t help but wonder how much more exhausting she would’ve been as a baby when she was completely helpless. Grabbing the photo album that’s mostly her first year of life off the coffee table, I slowly flip through it, imagining what they would’ve looked like had I been in her life. I’d obviously be in the pictures more, but I think Sydney would be too. She seems to be the photographer in most cases.
My eyes drift closed and I dream of an entirely different life for the past three years. One where Sydney has no problem being in a relationship with me. One where I’m there when Savannah is born and I get to be there for all of her firsts. That’s particularly painful, considering how going through firsts with Sydney is something I love doing and it’s even more important when it’s your kid. I guess the only bonus is that Savannah isn’t going to remember me not being there.
Soon, my dreams shift. Savannah is gone and it’s just Sydney and me. They turn dirty as we begin to kiss and shed our clothes.
“Ian. Ian. Wake up.”
Sydney is leaning over me and I lazily smile, the images from my dream still on the forefront of my mind. “Hey, gorgeous.”
“Where’s Savannah?”
“Should be in the spare bedroom asleep. My dream was just starting to get good, you know.”
She rolls her eyes before walking away and down the hall. Once she’s checked on Savannah, she returns. I pull her to lie on me, not bothering to sit up and let her have her own seat.
“Ian,” she protests.
“I miss you, babe,” I murmur. The tip of my nose trails along her jaw, down her neck, and then I inhale. She smells a little like food, but mostly like whatever that perfume is she wears. It’s not fruity or floral, so fuck if I know what it smells like, but I love it. Always have. Sydney relaxes into me, her hands flat on my chest, but she’s slightly tense.
It's Our Time (Carolina Rebels Book 4) Page 6
