Sydney’s cheeks are streaked with tears and Savannah is on her hip, consistently wiping them away.
“What’s wrong?”
“Logan was in a car accident. I don’t know if he’s okay or not, and I was hoping you’d watch Savannah while I go to the hospital to find out.”
My heartbeat skids to a stop as I glance over at our daughter. “By myself?”
“Please, Ian. I don’t have anyone else and I’d rather not take her until I can find out what’s going on. You’ll be fine.” She hands Savannah to me and I have no choice but to take her.
“But I don’t know what I’m doing.” The panic starts to enter my voice because she’s actually going to leave me alone with this kid! “I don’t know anything about kids! You can’t leave me alone with her! Are you crazy? I’m not ready for this.”
Sydney grabs my face and pulls me down so we’re nose-to-nose. “You are smart, and it’s not rocket science. Feed her, play with her, calm things down around eight and she’ll be asleep by nine. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“But—” She can’t do this!
“You are her father, Ian. I trust you. If I didn’t think you were capable, I wouldn’t have asked. Please? I’m desperate here. If you’re honestly not completely comfortable, I’ll take her with me, but I’d rather not because I have no idea what condition Logan is in or how long I’ll be there.” Tears well in her eyes again, spilling over.
“Don’t cry, Mommy.” Savannah reaches out to wipe them off one cheek.
“Okay,” I reluctantly agree. “But for the record, I’m not comfortable with this.”
“You’ll be fine. Thank you.” She presses a hard kiss to my mouth.
“Ew!” Savannah squeals.
I laugh as Sydney pulls away. “Tell Mommy goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Mommy. I love you.”
“I love you, too, buttercup.” To me, she says, “Call me if you need me.” Sydney turns to leave.
“I hope he’s okay.”
“Thanks,” she calls over her shoulder.
I close the door and the panic returns as Savannah plunges her fingers into my beard with a giggle. I’m alone. With my daughter. That shouldn’t be terrifying, but it is. I haven’t been around kids since I was a kid. Sydney didn’t bring any toys, probably because she was in such a rush, so there’s nothing here for her to play with. I can’t take her anywhere because I don’t have a car seat. What the fuck are we supposed to do?
“What do you want to do, Savannah?”
“Hide and seek!”
Okay. I can do that. I put her down and she immediately runs off. “Hold on a second, little Miss. Get back over here.” She runs back. I walk her over to the couch. “Once I close my eyes, you can run off to hide. I’ll count to ten and come looking for you, okay?” She nods with a smile that makes her look just like Sydney. I place my hands over my eyes. “One,” I start loudly and continue, hearing her footsteps echo down my hallway. “Here I come!” I shout once I’ve counted to ten.
A giggle comes from back toward one of the bedrooms. Maybe this won’t be so bad. I can do this. “Savannah, where are you?” I sing. Another giggle. I peek into the bathroom, but she isn’t in there. I look into the guest bedroom and see feet. She’s hiding behind the curtain. The curtains are sheer and I make sure to look right over her. I look under the bed and in the closet. She makes me proud that she stays quiet. “Hmm. Must not be in here.” The moment I step out of the room, she giggles and I grin. After a minute in my own bedroom, I loudly say, “Savannah, Daddy can’t find you! You’re too good at hide and seek! Make a sound, so I can figure out which room you’re in.”
“In here!” she yells.
I return to the guest bedroom and look in all the same places as before. Stroking my beard, I hum. “Where could she be?” She giggles again, so I swivel and finally spot her. “Oh! Found you!” She gives me a hug when I pull the curtain back.
“Good job, Daddy.”
“Thanks.”
“I have to pee.” Her legs cross and I’m frozen. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Is she even potty trained? When do kids learn how to be a “big kid?” Is she going to need my help? How so? “Daddy!” she shouts, snapping me out of my panic. “I gotta go bad!” She starts doing a little jig.
“Okay.” I take her hand and hope she’ll take the lead on this to show me what I’m supposed to do here. Once we’re in the bathroom, Savannah only needs me to help her on and off the toilet and then to lift her up to the sink, so she can wash her hands. For a brief moment, I’m seriously pissed at Sydney. I shouldn’t have a panic attack over any of this shit because I should already know what to do. I quickly bury the anger because I want to focus on Savannah.
“I’m hungry.”
“What do you want to eat?”
“Ice cream!” she shouts hopefully.
I laugh. “Nice try, little Miss. I don’t have any ice cream, so you’re out of luck.”
“Pizza!”
While I don’t have that, I can order some. “What do you like on your pizza?”
Savannah shrugs, but says, “Cheese.”
My next panic moment comes when I wonder if I should let her eat it like I do, or if I should cut it up. She should be okay, right? Doubt makes me cut her pizza into small pieces. I check my phone, but there’s no word from Sydney. After dinner, Savannah seems restless, so I ask, “Do you want to go swimming?” There’s a heated pool in the building, but since it’s February, I doubt anyone is using it.
“Yes!”
I grab a pair of scissors and have her follow me to my bedroom. She doesn’t have a change of clothes, but my idea is that maybe I can trim the sleeves of one of my T-shirts and cut off part of it so it isn’t too long and she can wear that.
“We’re improvising today, Savannah.” I put one of my T-shirts on her and then roll it up to where I’ll need to cut it and take it back off. “This is your bathing suit, so your clothes don’t get wet.” She watches me intently while I destroy one of my black T-shirts. Once I’m done, I hand it to her with instructions to go to the bathroom and take off her shirt and pants and put the shirt on, and I let her know I’ll be in my bathroom changing too.
After we’ve changed, I grab some towels, my phone, a key to my apartment, and then we head to the elevator. The pool is on one of the lower floors and just like I thought, it’s deserted. I hold on tight to Savannah’s hand as we walk over to the edge after setting my things down. She dips her toe in and squeals.
“Is it cold?” I ask.
“No.”
Then I have no idea why she squealed.
“Are you ready to get in? Have you ever been in a pool?”
Savannah shakes her head, but I don’t know which question she’s answering. Eventually, I just pick her up and step into the pool. She has her arms around my neck and her hold is tight. She’s nervous. Me too, Savannah. Me too.
“I won’t let you go, okay? You’re safe with me.” We wade in the water until her arms fall away. “Want to make a big splash?”
“Yeah.”
“Grab my shoulders and drop your legs from my waist. I’m still going to hold onto you, promise.” After a moment of hesitation, she does it. I adjust her so her feet are away from my body and close to the top of the water. “Kick your legs as hard as you can.” She does, looking over her shoulder and starts laughing. She kicks until her legs are tired. “Want to learn how to float? You’d have to really trust me for that.”
“Okay, Daddy,” she says. I smile because she basically said she trusts me. We’re about to find out if she really does or not.
“Hold your arms out like you’re an airplane.” Her arms shoot out immediately. “Now, I’m going to lay you on your back, but my hands are going to be under you the entire time, okay? I won’t let go.” She nods, so I lay on her back. She’s tense and her hand keeps coming to grab my arm. “Just relax, Savannah. You have to be calm and still. I’m not letting go,” I remind her. B
oth of my hands are under her back because her legs are floating easily. It takes her ten minutes to let go of my arm and relax.
“I do it myself,” she says.
That makes me nervous even though I’m right here.
“Let go,” she demands.
“Okay.” How easily I give in is something to be ashamed of. My hands move half an inch away. “There you go! You’re floating all by yourself!”
Savannah lifts her head in excitement and starts to sink, but my hands are right there to grab her, thank goodness. “I did it!”
“Yes, you did. Good job.” I hold up my hand and she high-fives me. “Want to learn how to swim?”
“Yes!”
“How about I teach you to doggie paddle?”
She giggles. “Doggie paddle?”
“Yep.”
So, I spend the next hour teaching her how to doggie paddle and not letting her go until she’s demanding that I do it. Even then, I’m never too far; I’m right by her side the entire time. I even convince her to jump into the pool, which ends up being her favorite thing. Savannah finally admits she’s tired, so we return to my apartment. I throw the shirt and her underwear into the dryer real quick and then we get her dressed again.
We lie on the couch with some cartoon on. Savannah is the first to doze off. I move her to my bed, which wakes her up, and then she doesn’t want to be left alone, so I lie down too. She curls up next to me and is asleep within minutes.
The exhaustion finally hits me. I run my fingers through her wet hair. This sense of peace I have is weird. Somehow, this little girl calms me and scares the hell out of me all at once. She’s so precious and adorable, too. I wonder what she was like as a baby. What kind of personality did she have? How has that changed as she’s grown? What if I’m going to change her somehow?
I’ve never thought about kids. I haven’t had a reason to think about them. But now, I have one and I’m terrified I’m going to fuck her up, especially since I already missed out on the first three years of her life. Sydney seems to have a handle on being a parent, but hell if I know what I’m doing. I feel more like a damn babysitter playing daddy so far. The last thing I want to do is mess up where this little girl is concerned. I already love her too much.
Today went well, though. I survived. She survived. Maybe I can do this whole be-a-father thing. My eyes fall closed and there’s a smile on my face.
“Ian.”
Shit. I couldn’t have slept very long at all. My eyelids pry open to see Sydney leaning over onto my bed. She looks as exhausted as I was feeling earlier, which is worrisome since that could say something about Logan’s condition.
“Get in,” I quietly command. Her mouth opens and I know an objection is coming. “Get in, Sydney. You owe me. I want to keep the good feeling I had before I fell asleep and I want it with you before we have it out, so get your ass in the bed.”
She hesitates for a moment, but she lies down next to me. “Why is her hair wet?”
“We went swimming.”
She pops up. “What? She doesn’t know how to swim.”
“Lie down and shut up. You’re ruining my good feeling. How’s Logan?”
She lies back down, resting her head on my shoulder. “He’ll need surgery on his leg and he’s a little beat up, but he’ll be okay.”
“That’s good.”
We’re quiet for so long that I’m nearly asleep when Sydney speaks again. “Why are we going to have it out?” Her voice is shaky from nerves, but I don’t care. That’s a lie; I do, but I’m not going to let that affect me and I’m not going to show her I care.
“Because I panicked that you were leaving me with our daughter. Because I panicked when she said she had to go to the bathroom. Because I panicked when I didn’t know if I should cut her pizza or not. Because I should know what to do in all of those situations, I don’t, and it’s your fault. I don’t like feeling like a fucking idiot.”
Her shoulders shake and she sharply inhales. “I’m sorry, Ian.”
The sound of her voice is all I need to hear to know she’s crying. I shouldn’t feel like a dick, but I do. That’s the problem with being in love with someone and them hurting you. When you confront it and hurt them back, there’s hardly any satisfaction to be enjoyed. A war wages inside of me where one side wants to forgive her and move on and the other side can’t let go of what happened. Just when I think I can, I’m reminded of what I don’t know or what I missed and I’m pissed off all over again.
I don’t say anything because there’s nothing for me to say. The good feeling is gone. I almost want to tell her I need some space. Make her move away from me and Savannah. I try to find the strength to do that.
Twenty minutes pass when Sydney whispers so softly, I nearly miss what she says.
“Please forgive me.”
Without thinking, I tug her closer to me. I’m trying to forgive her and move on, but it’s not easy.
The guilt was bad before, but now it’s overwhelming. Of course it is when Ian reminds me of why I’m a horrible person. My bad decision stares me in the face and I have no choice but to acknowledge what I did and the consequences of it.
When I wake up the next morning, I just want to leave and put some space between us. I get out of bed, walk around, and pick Savannah up, hoping not to wake her because I don’t want her to in turn wake Ian up. That hope bursts into flames when she wakes up and shouts, “Mommy!”
“What are you doing?” Ian’s voice grumbles. God, it’s been so long since I’ve heard what his voice sounded like right after he wakes up. It’s ridiculously hot.
“We have to go home.”
“No!” Savannah pulls out of my arms. I’m not expecting it, so she ends up falling onto Ian, who hmmphs when she elbows him in the stomach. “I don’t wanna leave!” Tears instantly pool in her eyes and I know I’m in for a tantrum. “I wanna stay!”
“Savannah Lynn,” I start with my don’t-mess-with-me tone because I am in no mood for a tantrum this morning, but Ian interrupts me.
He grabs her and starts tickling her, his voice light as he speaks. “Hey, listen up, little Miss.” Little Miss? He stops tickling her and flips her around so she’s looking at him. “You’re supposed to listen to your mommy and be a good girl. It’s time to go home because you have to change, so she can take you to daycare. You can see me later today. Deal?”
Savannah seems to think about it. “We go swimming?”
“Yep. Or I can teach you how to skate.”
“Skate!” she shouts.
“Deal. Now, tell me goodbye and be good for your mom.”
She surprises Ian when she leans down and plants a kiss on his cheek, giggling when his beard tickles her face. “Bye. Love you!” She turns and lunges at me. I barely catch her without having to take a step back from her force.
“Love you too,” Ian murmurs.
I don’t know what Ian is so worried about. He handled that like a pro. Those green eyes come to me when I don’t move to leave.
“You’re already a great father,” I tell him quietly. “You have good instincts.”
“Thanks.” With that, I head toward the hallway. I’m almost out the door when I hear him jogging down the hallway. “Sydney, wait!” I turn around to face him. “We didn’t get to keep our plans last night. Can we do today?”
“The only time I have free is between two and five and then I have to pick her up and get home. I don’t even know if I have someone to watch her tonight while I work because I don’t know if Carey has to work yet and Logan is having his surgery today, so he’s not coming home.” I stop because I’m rambling and I answered his question already.
“She could stay here with me.”
“Sleepover with Daddy, please! Please! Please! Please!” Savannah starts to beg me. Man, I hate when she catches on to what we’re saying. She’s started doing that more and more lately.
“Of course you can,” I tell her. “Show up at the apartment at some point during
that timeframe and we’ll get everything settled. I really have to go now.”
It’s too much to still feel where I was lying next to him and to see him fresh out of bed. I had hoped while he was on the road trip that we could move forward and stop looking into the past. Hell, I was starting to feel good and ready to ignore my reservations.
Then, last night happened.
I’m an idiot. Ian isn’t going to forgive me so easily, if at all. That thought nearly kills me. I don’t want to be civil. I want us to be…what? Friends? We haven’t ever really managed to do that. How are we supposed to do it now? But I can’t lose him and I need him to be more than just the father of my child. The thought of that not being possible scares me more than the thought of being Ian’s girlfriend ever did.
“Mommy,” Savannah says once we’re on our way to her daycare.
“What’s up, buttercup?”
“I like Daddy. He’s fun.”
“I like him, too.” Unfortunately for me, that may not matter.
My day seems to fly by. I’m so thankful for a good night’s sleep last night because it’s going to be a full day. Once I’m done at school, I stop by the hospital to check on Logan, but he’s in surgery at that point, so I don’t get to see him. Ian is leaning against the apartment door when I get there. Why couldn’t he be ugly? Or at least have days where he was unattractive.
“Hey,” I say as he steps aside so I can unlock the door.
“Hey. You look like you’ve had a rough day.”
I shoot a glare his way. Here I am thinking about how hot he looks and apparently, I look like crap! He’s such an asshole. Maybe one day he’ll learn to think before he speaks.
“Is everything okay with Logan?” he asks as we step inside.
“He’s in surgery now. That’s why I was late.” I set my bag on the dining table and head for the couch, sighing as I relax.
He nods. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
It's Our Time (Carolina Rebels Book 4) Page 5
