by Phil Wheeler
Willy's Bucket List:
The Seven Deadly Sins for fun and profit
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Copyright 2014 Phil Wheeler
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William J. Demeter received the news of his death with the same stoicism that he demonstrated in all areas of his life. His philosophy had always been simple and to the point: Life was the endurance of pain or hardship without a display of feelings and without complaint; a wise man should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submissive to natural law. More over: All life was pain and hardship; if something was going to happen it was most likely not going to be for the good.
So when the doctor told him that he had pancreatic cancer he accepted it with stoic resolve, and when the doctor told him he had only six months left to live he accepted that news the same way. It was only after rereading Voltaire's Candide that doubts started to creep in. The question hadn't crossed his mind in many years, in fact it had laid long buried in his subconscious for most of his adult life, but the genie had been re-released and could not be put back into the bottle with any success - “if God is both All-powerful and Good, why is there evil in the world? As Voltaire had railed against Pope's “Clear truth that what is, is right” and Leibnitz’s belief that “this was the best of all possible worlds” Willy now rebelled against his own mind and philosophy, and he made a decision.
With the time left to him he would do what he had spent a lifetime denying – he would have some fun! With that thought in his mind Willy's Bucket List was created. “If I am going to die soon then what is the point of denying myself anything that would make that time more pleasant?”, reasoned Willy to himself. Or, in the immortal words of Peggy Lee:
I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my last breath
I'll be saying to myself,
Is that all there is, is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing,
Let's break out the booze and have a ball,
If that's all there is.
So Willy made a plan. First, what was there in life that was said to be fun by the majority of people, and second why not give them a try? But he had a problem, and that was how to narrow the list. 'Talk to a hundred people and you would probably get a hundred and one answers', he reasoned, so what criteria should be used in making his list? It finally came to him – the Seven Deadly Sins of the Bible! That would seem to be as good as any list, it certainly was a popular enough one, and it saved time, which was the one thing that Willy did not have in abundance. A quick trip to the internet gained him a working knowledge of the Seven Deadly Sins, his list ran as follows: Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, & Pride.
A little more research revealed the following relevant information. The SDS’s (as Willy called them) were also known as the Capital Vices or Cardinal Sins. According to the Catholic Church, the leading authority on what was sin, there were two sin categories: venial sins and mortal sins. Theologically, a mortal, or deadly, sin is believed to destroy the life of grace and creates the threat of eternal damnation, and they are called 'capital' because they breed other sins, other vices. Willy wondered if that made venial sins OK. He wasn't too sure about all this dividing and categorizing, he'd been raised Baptist and to a Baptist sin was sin – they all sent you to hell. He gave it some thought, and devised the following plan:
Each sin was to be given one week. No more or less. If, at the completion of that week the sin was not accomplished he would move on to the next one in the list, returning to the uncompleted sin only if he had the time. This would keep him on track and focused.
Each sin was to be accomplished with total disregard for moral or legal content, but police involvement and violence was to be avoided. He didn't want to spend his last days in a prison hospital, and really wasn't into violence.
Week One – Lust
Lust, by modern definition, was a very strong sexual desire for someone: Synonyms for it were words like desire - craving - longing - passion. Willy decided to go with the modern definition because he had unfulfilled passion for Beatrice, the redhead that lived next door to him. She was recently separated, but even before her trouble with her husband she had come on to him at neighborhood picnic, so it seemed like he could be successful in his attempts at lust and he wanted to get off to a good start on his bucket list. Willy had been with women before, but he had never found the right woman to settle down with, or maybe it was his life philosophy that had kept him out of relationships, but he was single by choice. Even so, Willy considered himself a romantic. Love was when your eyes meet across a crowded room, and lust was about when your tongues did. If you were in love intercourse was called making love, if it was lust you just called it screwing. He took one day to plan his assault on Mount Beatrice.
To Willy, lust was when you take a bath in Jell-o together, but he didn’t think that was an option for a first date, so he decided he would ask her out to dinner; a romantic candle-light dinner for two. Hey, you had to spend money to get a return. He called Beatrice and asked her out. She said ‘yes’ willingly, and he picked her up that Friday at 6:30 pm. Beatrice was beautiful in a red dress that was short at both ends. Her long legs were encased in black nylons and her firm bosom peeked out invitingly from its barely containing restrains. They pulled into the parking lot of the Italian restaurant the he’d chosen, and he leaned over and kissed her. She responded eagerly, and he was encouraged. Then, he realized that he had something in his mouth other than his tongue. “I think I have your bubble gum.” smiled Willy demurely.
Beatrice stared at him for a moment, and then turned her head away. “No,” she said, “I have the sniffles...”
Willy almost threw up. He sat in silence for a while, but finally he turned to Beatrice and said “Are you ready to go in?” Nobody said this was going to be easy, so the show must go on!
Willy somehow got back on track. He was determined to see this through, to check off the first of his Seven Deadly Sins by fulfilling his lust for Beatrice. The date went will, Beatrice seemed willing, and Willy was optimistic. He drove her home and walked her to the door. She invited him in. The rest was, as they say, history.
Shortly after a long night of passion, Willy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette, and looked for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked Beatrice if she had a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer of the night stand." she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of a man who bore a strong, younger, resemblance to Beatrice. “Is this your brother?” he inquired.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him, "That's me before the operation.
Willy took that as his queue to leave. As he was heading out the door, Beatrice, or Bert, called out to him, “Will I see you this Saturday?
Willy paused,
and then said “Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.”
Willy reflected to himself that his odyssey through the Seven Deadly Sins was not off to that great of a start.
Week two – Gluttony
There is this great scene in a Monty python film where there is a man stuffing food into his mouth none-stop, to the disgust of the waiter. As he eats he keeps getting fatter until he is absolutely full and he cannot eat anymore. His body looks like it will explode at any minute! The waiter offers him a wafer thin after dinner mint. He refuses at first but finally takes it, and eats it. He explodes.
Throughout history, the wealthy have reveled in festive gluttony. The Romans were all about excess, serving guests whole boiled calves stuffed with pig and lamb. Henry VIII threw lavish parties with disturbing amounts of food, and King George IV once had a four-foot-tall Turkish mosque constructed entirely out of marzipan at a banquet where 127 dishes were served. Willy wasn’t overly concerned about the cost; he had cashed his life savings, CD’s, and
