by Phil Wheeler
retirement for his sojourn through the SDS’s, and was quite flush. He decided to fly to Maine and indulge in the biggest Lobster that money could buy. He’d never had lobster, too expensive, but his friends all told him that it was the best taste that one could ever hope for.
Upon his arrival in Maine Willy wasted no time in traveling to the restaurant he had picked out on the internet. He was seated in his reserved seat, the wine steward brought him a glass of wine especially chosen to go with Shellfish, and he sat back to enjoy his meal.
The appetizer was Cappuccino of forest mushrooms; the ingredients sounded like the checklist for a Euell Gibbons picnic:
Wild forest mushrooms, cleaned and sliced
Banana shallots, finely sliced
Celery, finely diced
Garlic
Unsalted butter
Madeira
Double cream
Large slices of brioche
Willy had to admit it, it was delicious! In fact, it was the best thing that he had ever tasted. He eagerly awaited the next dish. Following hard on the appetizer was something called oysters and pearls. The waiter described it as follows.
“You soak the tapioca in 1 cup of the milk for 1 hour. While that is taking place you shuck the oysters. Trim away the muscle and the outer ruffled edge of each oyster and place the trimmings in a saucepan. Reserve the whole trimmed oysters and strain the oyster juice into a separate bowl. To cook the tapioca:
In a bowl, whip 1/2 cup of the cream just until it holds its shape; reserve in the refrigerator. Next, drain the softened tapioca in a strainer and discard the milk. Rinse the tapioca under cold running water, and then place it in a small heavy pot. Pour the remaining 3/4 cup milk and 3/4 cup cream over the oyster trimmings. Bring to a simmer, and then strain the infused liquid onto the tapioca. Discard the trimmings.
Cook the tapioca over medium heat, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon, until it has thickened and the spoon leaves a trail when it is pulled through, 7 to 8 minutes. Continue to cook for another 5 to 7 minutes, until the tapioca has no resistance in the center and is translucent. The mixture will be sticky and if you lift some on the spoon and let it fall, some should still cling to the spoon. Remove the pot from the heat and set aside in a warm place. “
That was just for the pearls part of the dish, the oysters were another adventure. Half-way through Willy’s eyes glazed over and he quit listening. Finally, though, he could dig in and had to admit, again, to what he’d missed all these years of Spartan living.
The lobster, slow cooked in unsalted butter and herbs, was the Pièce de résistance, the flavors exploding in his mouth. By the time dessert was to be brought to the table Willy understood what gluttony truly meant. He was feeling drowsy, had a headache, and was dizzy. He also had difficulty swallowing. Still, he was determined to finish his culinary foray into gluttony, and there was just dessert to go. How bad could that be?
The waiter approached his table, and Willy let out a groan. In his hand the waiter held what he called “a traditional croquembouche”. Turned out that Croquembouche was a pyramid of profiteroles; small balls of choux pastry stuffed with pastry cream. The pyramid is held together with a caramel glaze and is usually decorated with spun sugar. Croquembouche means "crack in one's mouth" because of the crunch you get from the hardened caramel. The waiter drizzled warm dark chocolate over the pyramid, said buon appetito, Italian for ‘enjoy your meal’, and walked away with a crooked grin on his face. Willy spied the prolific pyramid of pastry in front of him, picked up his spoon, and dug in. By the time he completed the dish he was far beyond caring about most anything. He was becoming incoherent, felt weak, and his pulse seemed to be racing. Willy passed out over the apéritif of amontillado.
“You are a lucky man.” The voice started far off in his subconscious, drifted closer, and came barging in to his reality. He opened his eyes and looked at the man staring down at him. Dressed in white, with glasses and a stethoscope around his neck, he must certainly be a doctor. As to why a doctor was staring down at him in an expensive restaurant, the answer eluded Willy. The man spoke again. “You almost died.”
“What happened?” was all Willy could manage.
“Shellfish poisoning.” Replied the doctor. “It was touch and go for a while, but you will be fine.”
Willy stared dumbly up at the doctor. He had heard of shellfish poisoning, but never experienced it. Once, when Willy was in boot camp, he had contracted food poisoning from a bad bottle of catsup. Stomach contractions emptied his gullet of the offending catsup, but didn’t stop until he felt that his colon was being emptied out as well; through his stomach! At first, Willy thought he was going to die, then, he wished for death, would welcome its embrace as a relief from suffering. He’d lain in bed for 3 days, too sick to move, until it passed. This had been nothing like that, he had simply passed out.
“Shellfish poisoning is somewhat rare in this country.” said the doctor. “You must be highly allergic. Have you ever suffered from this before?”
“No,” Willy answered, “it was the first time that I ever had shellfish.”
“Unfortunate.” said the doctor. “Fortunately, we got to you in time, and treated you. Treatment is symptomatic and supportive. Severe cases of paralytic shellfish poisoning may require mechanical ventilation. Symptoms can include a tingling sensation or numbness around the lips that gradually spreads to the face and neck, a prickly sensation in the fingertips and toes, drowsiness, headache and dizziness, and difficulty swallowing.”
“What caused it; was the food bad?” asked Willy plaintively.
“Not necessarily, you may just be allergic to shellfish. Seeing as this was your first time, it is quite plausible.”
“What day is it? How long was I out?” Willy was disorientated, not sure of time or space.
“Three days. You were very lucky to survive.” was the reply from the doctor.
“Lucky”, Willy thought to himself. The second rung up his ladder of Seven Deadly Sins had almost killed him. This was proving more problematical then he could have ever imagined. Still, Willy persevered, he would continue in his odyssey through the SDS’s.
Week 3 – Sloth
The dictionary defines Greed as an intense and selfish desire for something; especially wealth, power, or food. After Willy’s near-death experience with Gluttony he considered Greed a two-for and a done deal, so he moved on to Sloth. Until recently, Willy’s only knowledge of Sloth was the tree-toed ones he saw on National Geographic, so he went to the internet for assistance. He found that sloth was defined as spiritual or emotional apathy, neglecting what God has spoken. It sounded like the whole idea of Willy’s quest to fulfill the SDS’s fit that bill quite nicely. Willy had rejected God, rejected God’s assistance, and was spiritually and emotionally apathetic towards Him. He had always believed that people who were too stupid to understand science chose religion instead. “This” he said, “is going very nicely. It’s only been three weeks and I have completed Lust, Gluttony, Greed, and I am living proof of Sloth.”
Actually, he was a little gun-shy about the SDS’s from his experience with Lust and Gluttony, but he was not going to admit that, he was determined to see his Bucket List through to completion.
Week 4 – Wrath
Wrath is defined as extreme anger. By nature Willy was a peaceful man. He had never been in a fight, or had what he considered an enemy, but he really disliked his next door neighbor Sam. Sam was always complaining about Willy and calling the police if Willy played his surround-sound above a whisper. Willy really liked his surround-sound, and was really annoyed at his neighbor Sam. It took him two days to come up with a plan. On the evening of the second night he put his plan into practice.
The first thing he did was purchase a “Burn Phone”. A Burn Phone is a prepaid cell phone that is inexpensive and basic, and cannot be traced by a SIM c
ard. Willy learned all about them while watching the TV show “The Wire”. In the show, an agent attempts to attach several wiretaps on dozens of drug dealers. When the dealers start using burn phones rather than public phones, the agent can’t trace them.
Willy entered his office, closed the blinds, and turned out the lights. He opened the burn phone and dialed his neighbor Sam’s number. The phone rang four times and Sam answered.
“Hello?’ said the voice of Sam.
Willy took a deep breath, and shouted into the phone “You’re an Asshole!” He quickly hung up. He sat in the dark for a while, his heart pounding, and realized that wrath, like revenge, was a dish that was best served cold.
The next day Willy happened to be outside washing his car when Sam came out of his house and walked to his car. Willy said nothing but watched out of the corner of his eye as Sam opened the door, climbed in, and shut the door behind him. There was no indication that Sam was upset and Willy smiled as he slopped the sponge around; Sam did not suspect him.
That night Willy again entered his office, closed the blinds, and turned out the lights. He opened the burn phone and dialed his neighbor Sam’s number. The phone
