Losing It

by Moira Burke

  Linda’s place smells really different too, her parents don’t smoke except her dad sometimes when he’s in the vegie patch but that’s outside, the smell doesn’t come in. Her mum makes osso bucco and sometimes you stay for tea. They have dinner really early at Linda’s before it even gets dark, their kitchen table is round and when you’re there everybody has to squash up to fit in the extra chair. You like having dinner at Linda’s. Her brother’s a spunk. Mrs Valero’s really nice she always asks how you are and how your mum is and all your sisters she even remembers their names, Mr Valero doesn’t say much and when he does he’s got this really strong accent so you don’t understand what he’s saying anyway and old Mrs Valero’s really little she always wears black she lives in the bungalow in the backyard she always smiles at you and pinches your cheek saying bella, you know what that means but mostly Linda has to translate, you speak Italian a bit but you don’t understand her nonna she talks in dialect really fast. After dinner they have Vienna bread with jam and cream and if you stay there long enough you get to have supper as well. You don’t have supper at your house you didn’t even know what it was, sometimes it’s Tim-Tams sometimes it’s pancakes but you don’t have much only a little bit to be polite you have to watch your weight. If you and Linda go out you usually go for a walk to see Sharon at the milk bar, but sometimes Linda isn’t allowed to so then you stay in her bedroom and read Dolly and talk about everything, who you hate at school and who you’re rapt in. You’re not rapt in anyone except for Dave, Linda’s rapt in Rocka you help her write his name in biro on her arm. You talk about your dad a little bit not much just that you hate him, Linda hates her dad too, she hates her brother as well.

  *

  Your mum looks really pretty she’s got lipstick on she’s swirling round in her skirt your dad’s quick on his feet he holds her hand and twirls her, Bill Haley and the Comets are on the record-player singing ‘Rock Around the Clock’ it’s late afternoon on a Friday. They wave at you as though you’re a long way away, big laughs on their faces and you go hi and stand there watching them. Rosie comes up behind you and says they’ve been going for ages. They come over to you, your mum grabs your hand pulls you in, your dad pulls Rosie in they start trying to dance with you, you feel really stupid. Your mum says oh come on, you should have plenty of energy and she tickles you making you laugh even though you’re trying not to, your dad is showing Rosie how to spin around you’re glad it’s her with him not you, you don’t want to have to touch him, all skinny he looks really old like an old dero and you’re really glad that none of your friends can see him. Holding both of your hands so that you can’t get loose your mum starts doing the Twist making you move with her then Maureen comes in with Theresa just behind her saying show me mum, she lets go of you and starts dancing with them. ‘Rock Around the Clock’ finishes and your dad gets out the Sentimental Journey collection he got from Reader’s Digest he and your mum start doing the Pride of Erin around the loungeroom, Maureen and Theresa start doing it too except they don’t know the steps they’re just pretending, sometimes they can be so immature.

  You think about who you would have been, what would have happened to you if your parents had never known each other, whether you would have been born at all and you wish your parents had never met, you wish your parents weren’t your parents, it’d be better if you were someone else you’d like to be somebody else, you could have been anybody.

  You’re so fat you’re a pig. You better lose some weight you had a Mars Bar today that’s why you’re so fat even though you only had breakfast yesterday so you better do an extra hundred sit-ups and have some laxatives. Laxatives are a good way to lose weight and they don’t leave a horrible taste in your mouth, not really not like when you throw up. If you throw up you make lots of noise and you hate it if people can hear. It’s good for you too to be regular and you’ve been a bit constipated lately but not like that time you didn’t go to the toilet for a whole week and got dizzy spells and hot flushes. It’s good to flush out your system it’s not good to strain on the toilet but you don’t have to if you take laxatives and you’ve got some under your undies in the drawer, as long as your mum hasn’t searched your room like she did that time and found all those pills that Robbie Douglas sold you at school. You took half of them and fell asleep in the dunnies and hid the other half in your T-shirt drawer. Your mum found them and got them checked, they were antihistamines so you were safe but you were really pissed off with Robbie Douglas because he said they were Valiums and not only that but it was private and she was perving on your private stuff. You hope she hasn’t found the laxatives because you know what would happen, she’d make you sit down and she’d put them on the table in front of you and say what are these? You wouldn’t say anything and she’d go don’t shrug your shoulders and you’d say I don’t know. Then she’d say I found them in your drawer you should know and you’d keep picking your nails and she’d say stop picking your nails! so you would and you’d just look around. Then your mum would say in a soft voice Josie love, they’re laxatives, so you would say well if you know why did you ask me? and you’d see the look on her face and you’d have to keep going so then you’d tell her to mind her own business why did she go through your drawers it was private can’t you have any privacy around here you hate this stupid house you can’t wait till you’re old enough to leave. Your mum would be really mad by now and she’d be going don’t you dare speak to me like that young lady and you’d just leave and go up the shops and sit in Raci’s car and have bongs and go to the park with Dave and you wouldn’t come home till everyone was in bed. Except your dad because he’d have the telly on in the loungeroom all blue and flickering and scratchy with the lights off. You’d stick your head in the door but he’d be snoring away so you’d probably cover him up with the blanket and he’d get a fright and fling his arm up so you’d quickly go out of the loungeroom in case he’d wake up and maybe there’d be five dollars on the floor you could have. You’d probably wake your sisters up when you’d come into the bedroom because you’d have to turn the light on and Maureen and Theresa would grumble at you but it’s not your fault you have to share a bedroom with them so you’d tell them to shut up but then you’d feel bad so you’d say sorry and they wouldn’t say anything so you wouldn’t care you’d just hate them. But you don’t think your mum will have gone through your drawers, you really hope not anyway you really need those laxatives and you concentrate on doing your extra hundred sit-ups because there is no way you are going to be a fat pig.

  It’s good lying on the floor in front of the telly your hands holding up your chin your dad’s not home today you can watch whatever you want. He went to the football St Kilda versus South Melbourne he said does anybody want to come? but nobody did. Your mum comes into the loungeroom and watches telly too the light from the venetians making snakes on the ceiling. An ad comes on and she says Josie love, what are you going to do? and you go when? She says no, I didn’t mean that, what would you like to do, for a job? You go oh mum and she says well you have to think about it sometime and you go yeah I know but you don’t want to think about it now it’s too far away, once you get there then you’ll know. Your mum says you have to think about your future and you go well I don’t know what I’m going to do. She says do you think you’ll still keep seeing Dave? and you go I don’t know, don’t you like him? She says yes I think he’s very nice, I just don’t know if he’s the right person for you. You say I’m going to keep seeing him. She says think about your future and you go yeah right, what future? She says your father and I are worried about you and you go who, dad? and she says of course your dad. Then she doesn’t say anything and you think good, you made her shut up and you’re feeling like you don’t know where to look so you just look at the carpet the green and blue short-loop nylon pile carpet $100 for the whole house, you’re nearly crying but you’re not going to you thought she really liked Dave. Then she says well, just think about it love.

  So you do. You l
ie there thinking about the kind of things that you think about all the time, about how you’re not going to live here any more, about how you’re going to be somebody, somebody else. About how you’d like to make things, the things you see, not just things though, you’d like to be able to make things that mean things. Like the way Linda’s jawline is square and yours goes around and the way you can walk in step but you still walk differently. Like when you look at a brick wall and you can see the builders building it, the designer designing it, the truck-driver driving, the earth coming out of the quarry to make the bricks, the cement-mix operator getting up in the morning to drive to work, if there’s posters peeling on the brick wall you can see the person who printed them, you can see the trees that the paper came from in some forest and you wonder how come you think about things like that. Like the way you can remember your first painting at kindergarten it was an octopus in a rockpool in the big ocean and nobody else remembers that you did it, you’re the only person in the world with that memory and the way that makes you feel. Like the colours in your mind, the lines the flashes the swells and the shrinkings of those colours in the space between being awake and being asleep or when you sit and think. You want to be able to make these things because it’s not enough, it’s just not enough that only you know them, they really mean something and you want to catch that meaning and make it solid and give it to someone else. You’re thinking all these things but you can’t say any of it to your mum the words don’t fit your mouth so you keep it shut lying there in front of the telly pulling dog hairs out of the carpet. The Saturday afternoon epic is on Channel 9, Channel 9 with the big dots, you like the togas they’re wearing you wish you were alive in Egypt in the pyramids you’d like to be Cleopatra. The colours on the telly are flat and smooth jumping out when people move around and you let yourself go into the colours into the spaces between the little dots on the screen.

  Raci says do you want to make some money? You’re sitting in his big silver Ford Falcon with him and Moose and Hasan and your boyfriend Stretch but you call him Dave because that’s his real name. Dave says shut up willya to Raci and Raci goes to burn him with the lighter and Dave says piss off. Raci looks at you again and says do you want to make some moula? Dave says no she doesn’t and you say yeah, how? and Raci says all you have to do is stand in Fitzroy Street until some guy comes along and you take him around the corner and we’ll be there to bash him and we’ll get his money no worries. Dave says she’s not doing it and corks Raci in the arm so Raci gets him in a headlock but they’re only mucking around they’ve been mates for ages they always muck around like that. They’re in the Black Dragons together and Dave’s called the wog because he’s the only skip out of about fifty guys. You’ve been going with him for four months and two weeks now and he gave you a friendship ring out of plaited silver that you wear on your left ring finger and your dad told you to get it off what, do you think you’re engaged? but you keep it on because your mum said it was all right don’t worry about your father and anyway you love Dave. He’s really tall and he’s got good muscles and tattoos on his arms and chest. When you started going together he got a new tatt that he said was for you even though it didn’t have your name in it. He carved Stretch 4 Josie 4 Eva on the mailbox up the shop but he left one of the ts out of Stretch so it says Strech 4 Josie 4 Eva but you don’t mind and you always look at it and hope your mum doesn’t see it when she comes up to get the milk and bread. Whenever Dave comes to your house he always wears long sleeves because he doesn’t want your mum and dad to see his tatts, he’s worried they won’t like him if they know he’s got tatts and he wants them to like him because he really likes you. You know your mum likes him you don’t care about your dad, well sort of but not really but you’d probably get in trouble if your dad saw his arms so it’s better that he covers them up. Your mum said she was worried that he was a little bit old for you. You said it was okay because you turn fifteen in a couple of months so it’s not really that big an age difference and your mum just looked at you sort of smiling and didn’t say anything.

  Linda says do you and Dave, you know? You say what? and she says you know. You go Linda and she goes carn, tell me and so you say yes and she says I knew it that’s what Rocka said and you say how does Rocka know? Linda reckons he only knows because him and Dave are good mates but she doesn’t think that anyone else knows except probably Raci and you feel sort of embarrassed but something else too. It’s sort of like it’s good to know that Dave has been bragging to the boys about you and you kind of don’t really mind if they know that you’re doing it with Dave and they’re probably jealous because they’ll never get to lay a hand on you, you would never do it with any of them and also because you’re Stretch’s girlfriend they can’t touch you. Yeah, that feels good, it’s kind of like in that song, you can look but you better not touch, but you don’t say any of that to Linda in case she thinks you’re a moll or something. Then she says were you a virgin before Dave? You look at your nails to see if they’re dry yet you’re at Linda’s doing manicures and you blow on them and say no, not really and she goes oh. You don’t tell her about last year with Fabio. She waves her hand around in the air and says me too, with Rocka I mean. And it’s like she’s about to say something else like it sometimes is with Linda when you’re talking so you wait but she doesn’t so you very carefully so as not to wreck your nails light a couple of smokes and pass one of them to her. She’s got on Blue Heaven Frost you’ve got on Mandarin Glow but you’ll probably peel it off soon because it makes you feel like you can’t breathe or something it’s kind of hard to explain but you can’t wear it for very long it’s weird when you look down and see colours on the end of your fingers but it’s fun doing manicures. Then Linda says if somebody asked you to give them a head job would you? You say I have and she goes really? kind of laughing with her eyes wide open and you say yeah, it’s all right. She says with Dave? and you say mmhmmm. You still don’t tell her about Fabio. She says that in Cosmopolitan they said it’s like eating an ice-cream and you say bullshit, more like a hot dog and you both piss yourselves you’re blushing at the same time but you know you can trust Linda she’s your best friend she won’t tell anybody anything.

  You’re going up the shops one day it’s nearly dark as you’re getting there you see Gino sitting on top of the bright red postbox straddled riding it like a horse. The boys are all standing around clapping in time calling oo, oo, oo. They get bigger as you get nearer they’ve seen you coming they’re not as close together they stop calling out they’re just laughing then Dave’s got his arm around you, he picks you up in his big way and says hi beautiful I’ve been waiting for you. You go over to the park and some of the others come too, Linda Debbie Gino Raci, Moose and Vince and Drago Filev. Filev’s got a magazine that he’s showing to Moose and Vince. Raci’s talking to Linda and Debbie and you, Dave’s holding you Gino’s hanging off the swing-frame sharp against the street light. You hear fat Vince going I’d give it to her, Moose goes oh man and Gino’s kind of laughing, you hear all this even though Raci’s talking and Debbie’s carrying on you can hear their voices over everything. Linda calls out bring it over here, give us a gig and you go yeah. Dave gets your earlobe into his mouth you don’t say anything else you just lean into him more letting him stay there he smells nice he just washed his hair. Moose has got the magazine now he’s crouched down between Linda and Debbie, Debbie’s going oh yuk looking at it Linda’s not saying anything then she grabs it and chucks it and the boys laugh. Raci picks it up and offers it to Dave who says I don’t need it mate pressing into you. You take it off him, it’s open at a full-page picture that you can’t make out at first and then you do and it’s gross. The girl in the picture’s got on suspenders and lace stockings and you’d have to be a real slut to do what she’s doing, you look at it you don’t see anything else except that, filling your eyes. Dave moves, his shadow hides the picture you drop the magazine onto the sand under the swing and say that’s revolting. Moose
is sitting next to Linda now, Rocka isn’t out tonight, she’s holding her knees looking at Moose from the side. Raci and Gino and Debbie have gone over to the slide and fat Vince has got the magazine again and throws it into the bin but only pretending, he pulls it out again he’s such a dickhead. You and Dave leave the park he walks you home strolling slow and easy his hip fitting into your waist your hand in the back pocket of his jeans holding his arse you love the feel of it and the way he walks.

  You stay home from school for a couple of days and when you go back you go to the dunnies first thing and everybody says where’ve ya been ya scrag? You tell them that you’ve had this really bad rash it’s okay now but don’t get too close you might catch it so everybody keeps away a bit. Good. Then Lisa Debono goes germs one too many times so you catch her and rub yourself on her to get her back the bitch even though she tries to act like you’re only mucking around. You’re glad you’re back, even though you hate school you hated staying at home. All these little red spots all over you, you itch like crazy and scratch so much that you have to wear these special white gloves that your mum got from the chemist. Then you find out what scabies really are and it freaks you right out, insects burrowing into your skin laying eggs that feed off you ugh! and you keep trying to scrape them out with your nails you even tried getting one out with a needle and you found one, it’s so revolting. They’re inside you crawling swirling wriggling around and you’re not telling anyone no way. You have to have these baths and put this lotion all over you but you can’t reach your back so your mum has to do it for you, you don’t want her to see your tits so you try to hide them and pretend you’re not but your mum says I’ve seen it all before Josie which makes it worse and you keep itching like mad. Your mum thinks you got them from Angela McDonald because you borrowed her jumper so she tells you not to go to Ange’s but you will anyway because you didn’t get them from her you got them from Dave who got them when he was in the lock-up that time and you’re pissed off with him because you remember that day when you saw spots on his dick and you said you’ve got spots on your dick and he said no I haven’t and now you know for sure because they’re very contagious but he’s got them worse than you because he let them go so it serves him right.