Forever My Own

by Tracie Peterson

  Chapter 14

  “Well, I’m heading to bed,” Mormor declared. “My bones are aching something fierce, and I think the warmth will do me good.”

  “I’ll get the warming pan,” Kirstin said, getting to her feet.

  Domar watched his sister, knowing that when she returned, they would talk about her decision. She had asked him that afternoon to make time to talk to her after Mormor went to bed. She had no way of knowing how her coming to America had affected him. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed his parents and siblings until he’d seen Kirstin again. Maybe it was time to give up the lie and let them know he was alive.

  Mormor had talked a lot about it when he’d first come to America, but once he set down the rule that he would leave if she said anything, she gave up. He had been quite the bully about it, and now he felt ashamed. She’d only been concerned about her daughter’s brokenhearted sorrow. When Domar thought of the pain he’d caused—really let himself consider it—it was all he could do to keep from racing back to Sweden on the first boat. He’d never meant to cause that kind of pain. He’d never allowed himself to even think of it. He’d been young and prideful, and his feelings had been hurt by the way not one person stood up for him except Kirstin.

  He owed her more than he liked to admit.

  “There, that’s all taken care of. Mormor is so smart. Do you know she puts warmed rocks in her warming pan rather than embers? She had a friend whose house burned down when the bed warmer caught the covers on fire. Her friend was barely able to get out of the house. So after that, she started warming small rocks in the oven and then loading them into the bed warmer.” Kirstin sat in Mormor’s rocking chair. “I think that’s so very smart.”

  “It is. I’m glad to know that. I won’t worry so much about her that way.”

  “I don’t think we have to worry about her anyway. I believe it won’t be long before she and Mr. Farstad marry.”

  Domar chuckled. “You’ve come to that conclusion, have you?”

  Kirstin tucked her feet under her and pulled a knitted blanket over her body. “I have. They are very much in love. That’s obvious.”

  “Yes, I agree. It’s only really happened in the last couple of years. I thought maybe they’d marry when Uncle Per was still alive, but it just never seemed to fit.”

  “She said they’re waiting for God to tell them it’s time.”

  Kirstin watched the fire for a moment. Domar knew she was most likely trying to figure out how to broach the subject they needed to discuss, so he opened the matter himself.

  “Have you decided what you’re going to do regarding my being alive?”

  She said nothing for several long minutes. When she finally looked at him, there were tears in her eyes. “I have, but it pains me to tell you. There was no possibility of either choice being without pain. I think that’s why I kept putting it off.”

  “But you’re going to tell them.”

  She nodded and wiped at her tears. “Ja. I can’t keep your lie. I’m sorry. I know that means I will lose you, and it breaks my heart in two. I just ask that you hear me out and try to understand my position.”

  Domar found he wasn’t at all angry, nor did he want to argue with her. In a sense, he felt relief. Maybe this was what he’d needed to prod him to do the right thing. But what if it wasn’t the right thing?

  Kirstin drew a deep breath. “I was speaking with Mr. Farstad earlier today. We were talking about his situation with Ilian. The years—a lifetime of anger and hostility between them. Mr. Farstad said there were so many things Ilian didn’t know—issues and complications that made his decisions for him. I told him maybe it was time to tell Ilian the truth. I said, ‘Whatever the truth is, it will be better for the telling.’ That’s when I knew the answer to my own dilemma. There will be consequences, but in the long run, the truth is what will set us free.”

  “But there will be pain in telling the truth just as there would be in continuing to keep the truth from them.” Domar didn’t have much of an argument left in him. He knew she was right.

  “Yes, but at least it will be done with. Your conscience will be clear, no matter where you run away to, and they will know the truth. Mor will be relieved, even if she knows she can never see you again. She’ll know that you’re alive and well. It will break her heart to know you’ll have nothing to do with her, but again, that’s a part of the consequences you have created.”

  “And you think that heartbreak is better than believing me gone?”

  “No. Sadly, I don’t think there is a winning side to this pain. I suppose that’s what has made it so difficult. I think Mr. Farstad believes his situation is much the same. However, keeping the lie—feeding it and carrying it—is exhausting and dangerous. It perpetuates the bitterness and anger and will do nothing but cause harm. The truth isn’t that way. The Bible says the truth shall set us free. The Bible says that Jesus is the truth. I suppose in seeking Him rather than our own desires, it ought to be clear to us how we should handle this matter, but it hasn’t made it any easier for me.”

  “Nor for me.”

  Kirstin’s brows came together as she considered something. Domar remembered her looking very similar when perplexed by a mathematics problem during her school years. “I wanted so much for there to be an easy answer that would please us both. I wanted to be like Mormor and say, ‘Well, it’s not my job to set the world right.’ But if it’s not my job,” she said, looking up at him, “then whose?”

  Domar leaned back and put his arms behind his head. “When will you write to them?”

  “Not until they write to me. I sent a letter when I arrived and have heard nothing yet. It takes a long time to get mail from Sweden. Mormor says it might even be March or April before my letter reaches them. Then another few months until they can get a letter to me. That will give you plenty of time to make your plans and let us have you for a while longer.” A sob broke from her throat. “I hate that I shall lose you. I only just found you again.” Tears streamed down her face, and Domar knew he couldn’t let her bear this misery.

  “Don’t cry. When you write to them, I’ll include a letter of my own.”

  “You will?” She blinked against her tears, but the look of hope he saw on her face was unmistakable.

  “I will. I won’t leave you.”

  “But you said . . .”

  “I know what I said.” He sat up and reached out to touch her hand. “You’ve convinced me that it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if my heart will be forgiving. I have no idea what the future will bring, but I know it’s the right thing to do.”

  Kirstin unwound herself from the chair and came to sit beside Domar on the couch. She hugged him close. “I love you so much. I felt certain I was sacrificing you for the truth, and it was almost worth the lie.”

  He chuckled. “Almost, eh?”

  She looked up and kissed his check. “Almost.”

  Kirstin checked on Ilian once more before heading upstairs to bed. She felt lighter and happier than she had since learning that her brother was alive. She very nearly danced up the narrow steps. She prayed silently, thanking God all the way to her room.

  There was still the matter of actually doing the deed and hearing back from their family, but she felt certain that the initial reaction was going to be one of such joy that nothing else would matter. In time they could deal with everything else.

  In her room, she knelt beside the bed. The floor was icy, but she didn’t care. “Oh, Father, thank you that Domar saw the truth. Thank you for giving me the bravery to follow through on what You told me to do. I felt that I was under such a terrible burden, and now You have lifted that off my shoulders. Help me, please, to always be willing to speak truth even when it’s hard like this.”

  She thought of the folks at home. “Please help them to understand why Domar made the choices he did. Help them to forgive him and to offer their requests for forgiveness as well. Let
the tallies be wiped out and the debts paid in full. Let there be rejoicing.

  “And let Mr. Farstad . . . let Morfar share the truth with Ilian, and let Ilian be willing to receive it and forgive whatever lies between them. Let both be willing to let go of the past and focus on the future in love. Father, they need each other and can’t even see it. Let them realize how much they need this alliance. Let them learn the importance of forgiveness and love.”

  She sighed and got to her feet. She tossed her robe over the chair and got into bed with great haste. The covers and sheets were as cold as the floor, but they would warm quickly enough. She snuggled down and smiled.

  “Thank you, Lord. Amen.”

  Feeling greatly reassured, Kirstin all but floated through the morning chores. She knew Mormor thought her a bit tetched but said nothing. Maybe she suspected the reason for her mood, but she waited for Kirstin and Domar to tell her.

  Domar spoke first. “I’m going to tell our family that I’m alive.”

  Mormor’s eyes widened. “And what brought this about? As if I didn’t already know.”

  “Kirstin convinced me that the truth is better than a lie. I’m tired of living with this hanging over me.” Domar smiled. “And I have to admit, I had a better sleep last night than I have since coming to America.”

  “I’m so glad, Domar. I believe in the long run it will be for the best. It will almost be like the prodigal son coming home.”

  “Well, I’m not going back to Sweden. I have no desire. I wouldn’t mind seeing Mor and Far again, though, and even Härse and Svena and little Brita.”

  “She’s not so little anymore,” Kirstin reminded him.

  Domar smiled. “She was just a babe when I left, and I’ve never known her.” He looked at his grandmother. “Never think I am without my regrets.”

  “I know you have regrets. I could see them in your eyes every time you came home.”

  “I truly regret making you keep my lie.” He lowered his head. “I never thought of it that way. Kirstin helped me see it over this last month. I suppose I needed someone to be strong and confront me with the truth after all these years. I’m so sorry, Mormor. I pray you’ll forgive me. I put you in such a bad position.”

  “Of course I forgive you.” She patted his hand. “Just as your parents will.”

  “I hope so.” He looked up, and his eyes were damp. “I hope so.”

  They ate breakfast and talked about the work yet to do. Mormor never liked Domar to have to help her on the Sabbath. She felt it was a day of rest, but with so much needing attention before he left that afternoon, they decided to forgo church and take care of the problems while Domar was there to help. He convinced her by saying he had already had such a tender time with God the night before and that this morning he felt as if he’d been to a month of services.

  As the morning and early afternoon passed in quick succession, Domar realized he only had about two hours remaining before his ride would come to take him back to the logging camp. He wanted to spend some time with Ilian and let him know what he’d decided and why. He hoped it would encourage Ilian to clear up things in his own family.

  “Do you have time for a talk?” Domar asked from the doorway to Ilian’s room.

  Ilian looked up from the book he’d been reading. “Ja, sure. Come on in.”

  Domar smiled as he crossed the room. “How are you feeling?”

  “Better now that I can sit in a chair.”

  “And that is comfortable?” Domar pointed to the board that extended from the chair Ilian sat on to another to hold his leg. Kirstin had made a long padded cushion so that Ilian wouldn’t have to sit on a hard wood surface the entire time.

  “Your sister is gifted in knowing where to place pillows. She tucks them here and there in places I don’t even think will help, and yet they turn out to be the very thing I needed most.”

  “She is gifted. She’s helped me in a big way too.” Domar pulled up a kitchen chair and turned it around to sit on it backwards. He rested his arms atop the chairback and lowered his chin to sit on his hands. “I’m going to tell my parents that I’m alive.”

  “Truly?” Ilian’s look of disbelief was genuine. “I never thought this day would come. But I’m glad. You know I believed you should save your family pain if you could. But what happened to them never deserving to know?”

  “Well, none of us deserves the grace we’re given. At least I know I don’t.” Domar gave his head a slight shake. “I guess as I listened to the things Kirstin said, I realized the futility of what I was doing. The sinfulness too.”

  “What sin? You aren’t the one who rejected them by believing a lie. You didn’t shun them and force them to leave their home. You’re the one who was betrayed. You owe them nothing.”

  “I owe God everything, though—especially truth. I was reading my Bible last night. Romans 12:18 says I should live at peace with all men. I just think it’s time I let the past go. I cannot change anything that happened back there. I can’t. But I can change the future, and I think I’d like that. I’d like to talk to Mor again. I’d like them to know what I’ve become.”

  “If that’s important to you,” Ilian began, “then so be it. But don’t do it just because your sister has put you in a situation of having to admit it.”

  “I’m not. She has offered wise counsel, and that has influenced my decision, but I’m doing this of my own free will. It’s the right thing for me to make peace.”

  “I suppose you think I should make peace with my father as well.” Ilian gave him a hard look. “Well, I can tell you I’m not going to do it.”

  Kirstin came in through the open door at that moment. Both men turned to stare at her. She looked behind her and then back at the men. “What is it?”

  “If you’ve come to persuade me I need to make peace with my father, don’t even start,” Ilian reprimanded.

  Kirstin looked at her brother and then back at Ilian. “I didn’t say anything about your father.”

  “I just heard that you convinced Domar to tell your folks that he’s alive. That might be all well and fine for him, but it’s not going to work for me.”

  “And what makes you think I care one whit about you? I haven’t even decided whether we can be friends,” Kirstin said. “And with you acting like this, my decision is rapidly being made for me.”

  “I can’t be friends with someone who is friends with my father,” Ilian shot back.

  Kirstin put her hands on her hips. “Then I’ll let Mormor know, and we’ll get you moved elsewhere. I’m sure she has no desire to take care of someone who won’t allow her to choose for herself whom she can befriend. I’ve no doubt she won’t give up your father’s friendship.”

  “I don’t mean it that way, and you know it.”

  “I doubt she does,” Domar interjected, “because even I’m confused by your sudden attitude.”

  Ilian cast aside the book on his lap. “You know how it’s been between us, Domar. I don’t want to be berated by your sister about renewing my relationship with Far.”

  “And have I been doing that?” Kirstin asked.

  “No, but now that you have your brother forced into telling your folks he’s alive, I’m almost certain you’ll start in on me.”

  Domar crossed his arms. “Now get this straight, Ilian. I made my own choice. Kirstin didn’t force me to do anything. You are creating a false picture for yourself if you believe otherwise. She made some good points, but I chose what I wanted.”

  Ilian’s hard expression relaxed. “I’m sorry, Domar. I didn’t mean to put you in this position. I know you to be your own man, but I also know how much you love your sister. If this is truly your decision, then please forgive me for thinking otherwise. No one wants us all to be friends more than I do.”

  “Well, I don’t know that I want to be your friend at all.” Kirstin started for the door. “I’ve never met anyone more selfish and hard-hearted. I’m not even sure you’re capable of friendship, and I cert
ainly won’t give up my friendship with your father just because you want to go on bearing him a grudge. Grief, you won’t even hear out the poor man’s side of the matter. Why would I ever want to be friends with someone like that? The price would be much too high, as far as I’m concerned.”

  She left with both Ilian and Domar staring after her.

  Domar grinned as he turned back to Ilian. “I never knew her to have a temper like that. You must bring out the worst in her.”

  Ilian frowned. “Would you help me back to bed?”

  “Of course.” Domar got up and pulled back the covers. “But if you’re planning to relocate yourself to a boardinghouse, tell me now. I leave in less than two hours.”

  Ilian looked at him oddly. “What are you talking about?”

  “Well, Kirstin is right about one thing. Mormor and your father are very close these days. You aren’t going to be allowed to come between them. So if you can’t handle that situation, you’d best stop living under her care. I won’t have you hurting Mormor.”

  Ilian’s jaw clenched and unclenched. “I know they hold strong affection for each other. I love your grandmother and wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.”

  Domar nodded. “Good. I think Kirstin can fight for herself, but I won’t have Mormor in the middle of it. Now, give me your arm.”

  Chapter 15

  A week and a half later, having seen very little of Kirstin, and never without Lena present, Ilian still couldn’t get her words out of his head. She acted as if the rift between him and his father was all his fault. She didn’t understand how his father had betrayed and deeply hurt the wife he promised to love and cherish. Kirstin didn’t know the things Ilian knew about his mother’s loneliness and sorrow. She had been a perfect wife, as far as Ilian could see, and received nothing in return.

  Ilian flexed his arm. The doctor had come early that morning and removed his arm cast. The weakness in those muscles surprised Ilian. Not only had he been faithful with his exercises, but maneuvering the cast itself was like lifting a weight. The doctor admonished him to move steadily but slowly as he worked toward using the crutches. Ilian was already determined to be using them by the end of the week, no matter what anyone thought. He needed to be back on his feet. This lying and sitting about was going to make him crazy, especially as the weather warmed.