Embrace

by Jessica Shirvington

  ‘Humans,’ I said.

  Griffin nodded. ‘If a child loses either parent within their first twelve days of life, the aura around that child provides a gateway for an angel to impart a portion of its essence. Both angels of light and dark, from all ranks, are able to give their essence to humans – and along with it many of their unique abilities and strengths.’ He stopped, taking a sip of coffee, leaning back on the couch.

  ‘How many ranks are there?’ I asked.

  ‘Nine. Ten, if you count The Sole. I’ll draw you a family tree. It seems complicated at first, but it won’t take you long.’

  I watched as he grabbed a notepad from the coffee table and quickly sketched some kind of hierarchy on the paper. At the top he wrote ‘Seraphim’ and listed the other ranks from there, but at the end I noticed he went back to the top and scribbled ‘The Sole’ above. Some of the names I recognised, like Cherubim and Archangels; others, like Dominations and Powers, didn’t ring any bells.

  I finally succumbed and grabbed one of the towels from the coffee table to soak up some of the water dripping from my hair. At least mopping up water was something I understood. I let the towel cover my face while I sucked in a few deep breaths and snuck a peek at the front door, teasing myself with the prospect of escape.

  Griffin took another quick sip of coffee, watching me. He was waiting for me to say something, but what the hell was I supposed to say?

  ‘Would you prefer a short answer?’ Griffin offered.

  ‘Please,’ I said, relieved.

  Griffin spoke consolingly. ‘Grigori are the gardeners. We clear the weeds. Although the folklore has been distorted over time, the theory is the same. Grigori is translated in some texts as Watcher and has also morphed into translations of Guardian. Put it with angel and you get…?’ He sat, patiently, waiting.

  My stomach glided up into my chest. I could barely believe the words I was about to say. ‘Guardian Angels?’

  ‘The short version…yes,’ he said plainly.

  I sat up awkwardly, searching for a way out of this. ‘If I have this essence in me, why don’t I know? Surely I would have felt something by now?’ I mean, if I had been able to fly over here on a cloud I would have saved myself the drenching – or better yet, used it to get the hell out of here!

  Griffin gave a half-smile and I wondered how many times he had delivered this story. How many people had looked back at him with disbelieving eyes.

  ‘When a child reaches the age of seventeen, the essence is awakened. At this point, he or she can choose to go through the final journey of embracing the gifts. Only then will they have the powers of a Grigori.’

  There was so much swimming around in my mind. I glanced quickly at Lincoln, then back at Griffin.

  ‘Lincoln said I was his partner or something. What does that mean?’ Definitely not the kind of partner I was hoping to become when I left the house this morning, I knew that much.

  ‘Grigori always work in twos, just like everything in the universe. Sun and moon, earth and water, man and woman – you get the drift. The first of a pair is told the name of their partner when they become a Grigori. Lincoln has been a Grigori for nine years, but has always been destined to be your partner. That’s why he’s been here for the last couple of years. He came to start preparing you.’

  ‘It’s not the only reason,’ Lincoln said quietly from the kitchen. Griffin frowned.

  I did a quick calculation and focused my reply only on Griffin. ‘Lincoln’s twenty-two. How can he have been a Grigori for nine years when he only turned seventeen five years ago?’

  Griffin sighed and gave me a sorry smile. ‘Oh, darlin’,’ he said, and for the first time I noticed a slight country twang in his voice. ‘One of the traits of being a Grigori is that we age at a slower rate, increasingly slower the older we get.’

  I looked over at Lincoln. He was leaning against the kitchen bench, looking at the ground. Another lie.

  My voice was quiet as I couldn’t entirely comprehend the words I was about to use. ‘Am I…’ I felt stupid even asking, ‘immortal?’

  Griffin smiled more genuinely this time and I was immediately embarrassed for asking. ‘No such luck. We’re still half human. While stronger and more resilient than normal, we’re still susceptible to injury and inevitable mortality.’

  It was a sign of how bad things had become that I was relieved – at least death was still a certainty.

  CHAPTER TEN

  ‘This is your fate, the destiny I have planned for you…’

  Jeremiah 13:25

  Everything stalled. Not just around me, but in my head. Something wasn’t allowing me to process what I was hearing. It’s not like you find out you’re part angel every day of the week.

  Griffin stepped outside to take a call, leaving me alone with Lincoln for the first time. I’d been trying so hard to ignore him, standing in the kitchen watching nervously, as Griffin explained why he’d been lying to me ever since we first met. Fresh tears welled in my eyes when I glanced in his direction.

  ‘Tell me, Linc.’ My voice cut into the silence and he started a little to hear me talking to him. ‘Why rock climbing, marathon running?’ I sounded cross and childish. I didn’t care.

  He straightened up and moved a little closer towards me, still keeping a safe distance away. ‘Training. It’s all versions of what we do when we train to be Grigori. I figured if you could do the work before coming of age you’d have the upper hand and be stronger.’ He looked like he wanted to say more but stopped himself. Instead, he watched me with hopeful eyes.

  ‘The whole time I’ve known you, you’ve been lying to me.’ I felt stupid, thinking of how he had just appeared in my life and I had never questioned it. ‘Pretending to be my friend. Telling me to trust you…’ I felt like I was going to be sick. He’d told me he would protect me. Had that all been more of his lies?

  ‘I told you my secrets.’ I stood and slowly walked towards him, my legs shaking. ‘I let you tell me it was OK. I believed you.’ I felt tears escape, slipping down my cheeks, but I wasn’t finished. I knew I had about thirty seconds left before I’d lose it completely and wouldn’t be able to talk. He was silent.

  ‘How stupid could I have been, thinking you actually cared?’ I shook my head, half laughing at myself. I was just as mad with myself as I was with him. Almost. ‘You must have thought I was pathetic. I actually thought I loved…’

  I moved my feet apart as tears came pouring down. ‘You never cared.’ My hand fisted, unable to control the fury brewing within. ‘You just wanted to turn me into some kind of fighter, a warrior for your stupid cause!’

  I struck out, hitting him across the face once, but hard, with a closed fist – just like he had taught me in so many of our kick-boxing sessions. Just like he had always wanted me to, but I had been too scared. Too scared to hurt him.

  He would have seen it coming, but he didn’t dodge it. He just stood there and took it.

  ‘I don’t even know you.’ The words left my mouth devoid of any emotion.

  Griffin reappeared out of nowhere and flung his arms around me in a death grip, stopping me from hitting Lincoln again. I wouldn’t have anyway.

  ‘You’ve trained her well, Lincoln,’ he said, slightly amused. He slowly released me. ‘I hate to tell you this, Violet, but that probably hurt you a lot more than him.’

  Like he was telling me anything I didn’t already know.

  Lincoln ignored Griffin and just looked at me. ‘It wasn’t a lie.’ He shook his head as he spoke. Trying to convince himself probably. ‘I just didn’t tell you everything. I couldn’t, I wasn’t allowed. So many times I wanted to tell you. The way you feel…I feel…’ he dropped his head, but I didn’t miss the guilty glance he flashed at Griffin, ‘…that has always been real. You needed to know the truth first so there were no secrets between us. Violet, it’s more complicated than you realise. It’s not that I don’t—’

  I threw my hand in the air to cut him off. ‘NO
!’

  I knew where that sentence might have been going and I couldn’t hear it. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to hear it, didn’t know if I would be able to maintain the small amount of control I was desperately hanging on to. I shook my head and managed to say one more time, ‘No.’

  I went to the only place a girl can go. The bathroom. Once safely locked inside I waged an internal war between going back out there or just climbing out the window and disappearing.

  Remember the rules, Vi – now more than ever you have to be strong. No running. No quitting. Simple. Yeah, right.

  I left the light off and lit the candle Lincoln leaves on the wooden shelf above the towel rack, braced my hands on the sink, and stared at myself in the mirror.

  ‘What the hell am I?’ I whispered.

  Looking back at my reflection flickering in the candlelight – straggly damp hair hanging almost to my waist, blotchy red eyes tearing in the corners and slightly swollen lips – I gave myself an answer. ‘Screwed. That’s what I am.’

  I closed the blind to block out the temptation to escape and climbed into the empty bath. I breathed in the vanilla scent of the candle and willed it to calm me, to stop the tears. It didn’t. Had everything I had worked so hard for, everything I had faced, all just been leading to this? Was the normal life I had fought to hold on to ever really been mine to begin with?

  I couldn’t tell if it was my heart or my mind screaming at me from deep within. Whichever it was, the message was clear – Liar. How could Lincoln have lied to me for so long? How could the one person who had helped bring strength and normality back into my life also be the one to ensure it would never be normal again?

  The thump of approaching footsteps interrupted my wallowing. They sounded like footsteps of doom. After a quick knock, Griffin spoke.

  ‘Violet, I have to get going soon. If you have more questions I can answer them, but you’ll have to come out. I’m not one for the bathroom chat.’ I think he was trying to be funny. He wasn’t.

  After a few deep breaths, I washed my face, pulled my tangled damp hair back into a ponytail and opened the door. I don’t run.

  Sitting back in the armchair I ignored Lincoln, who was now sitting on the couch next to Griffin. It took all my strength not to look at him, not to ask him, Why? How? Instead I gave my attention to Griffin and tried to be practical.

  ‘So, who are you exactly?’ I hoped the petulant tone hid my fear.

  ‘I’m a Grigori, like Lincoln. For better or worse, I do my best to look after and guide the Grigori in this city.’

  ‘So, you’re in charge.’ Honestly, let’s just cut the crap, people!

  ‘Yes.’ He smiled, enjoying my candour. ‘And should you choose to become a Grigori, I will do my best to guide you too.’

  ‘But it is my choice?’

  He nodded. ‘That’s why you haven’t felt too many changes yet – your choice is still to be made. The final journey to becoming a Grigori must be taken through your own free will. It’s called an “embrace”.’

  That seemed straightforward enough. ‘So, I can just choose not to do it?’ I caught the look of disapproval Griffin was too slow to hide. I didn’t bother to look at Lincoln.

  ‘Yes, but you should know, when we come of age exiles can sense us, as we can sense them, and we often have a mutual predatory reaction to one another. Just as we cannot always sense whether they are exiles of light or dark, they cannot always sense whether we have chosen to embrace or not. If you turn your back on this, that is your choice, but you will be without protection, always at risk of being discovered by an exile who wishes to do you harm.’

  ‘Basically, damned if I do, damned if I don’t.’ I tried for sarcastic, but inside I was petrified.

  Griffin ignored the comment. ‘We’ll be here to answer all your questions, once you’ve had a chance to digest what you already know.’

  He picked up his coat and walked to the door. Turning back to me, he said, ‘By the way, Lincoln was never asked to dedicate so much time to you. The time he gave you was his choice, not part of some elaborate lie. You’re hurt that knowledge was kept from you. Consider how much it’s hurt him to have had the knowledge he did, knowing this day was coming.’

  With that, he nodded at Lincoln and left.

  Yeah. My heart bleeds for him.

  The veins on the inside of my arms seemed darker again, now taking on more of an opaque quality. The pattern had changed also. If I hadn’t known it was impossible, I would have said it looked like they were trying to form something specific. I wanted to ask Lincoln but decided instead to let the silence linger.

  He moved to the edge of his seat, leaned towards me without leaving his designated safety zone and motioned to my arms. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. I think it’s a side-effect of sorts.’

  I traced the lines with a finger. It was just another part of me that wasn’t really me any more. Another part taken without consent. I bit down hard.

  ‘Did you…have anything? I mean, any side-effects?’ I didn’t look at him as I spoke.

  ‘Sure, I started to sense things differently, become more aware. It’s a bit different for everyone when they come of age. We inherit particular strengths and powers from our angel parent. But we don’t usually feel major changes until after we’ve embraced.’ He glanced at my arms again. ‘I haven’t seen any physical marks like these before.’

  ‘Parent?’ I quizzed. The idea of being grounded by an angel popped into my mind and I laughed out loud before I could stop myself. Laughing had to be better than screaming – right?

  Lincoln watched me with a puzzled look. I could feel the distance between us now. Like there was an invisible river between us that neither of us could find a way to cross. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to any more.

  ‘Well, yeah. Not in the conventional sense, of course, but when we are given an angel’s essence, the angel parent has to actually give a part of itself to us. It’s something they can only ever do once.’

  ‘And what? I should be grateful?’ I jabbed. I took a breath to calm down. ‘Do you know your angel…parent?’

  ‘No. None of us do.’

  I remembered that Griffin had explained some of this and continued for him. ‘Because we could be from an angel of light or dark. We could be part good or part evil.’

  He nodded. ‘Sort of. It’s an angel’s essence we receive though, not their spirit. We are given their strength and powers, but not their morals or beliefs.

  That still comes of our own upbringing and free will. It’s better that we don’t know. It stops prejudice among us.’

  ‘How old are you?’ The question had come out of nowhere, but I had to know.

  ‘Twenty-six,’ he said in a strained voice. ‘The ageing process slows more radically the older we get. It’ll probably take another twenty years before I look twenty-three. I would’ve told you my real age from the start, but it would have just led to more questions that I couldn’t answer.’

  I stared at him for a moment, then looked away again before I spoke. ‘You said powers?’

  ‘All Grigori have enhanced strength and the ability to sense an exile’s presence. We can return exiles, sending them back to the angel realm to be dealt with there, or, if the exile wills it, we can extract their angelic powers, leaving them fully human. Our other gifts are individual to our angel maker and what abilities they possess.’

  The only ability I wanted right now was the ability to rewind time, but somehow I figured I was out of luck.

  ‘What type of individual gifts?’ I asked, still trying not to look at him much.

  ‘Griffin’s parent angel was a Seraphim, which, apart from a few Sole angels, is the highest rank. That means, unless there’s another Grigori from the same rank who is older, he remains our leader in this city. His main gift, apart from leadership, is truth. He can deliver it plainly and see through its frailties.’

  I thought about how Griffin had convinced me unwaveringly that he
was telling the truth.

  ‘So, he can just make people believe him?’ I asked, slightly horrified.

  ‘If what he’s saying is true – yes.’

  ‘What about you?’ Other than the ability to break my heart.

  ‘My parent angel was a Power. I have additional strength and speed. I can also see interference – the shadows that cling to people after their free will has been altered by an exile, the marks they leave behind.’

  I curled my legs up under me on the chair, wrapping myself up tight. Questions swirled in my mind and I was torn between a need for answers and an overwhelming desire to run. Lincoln was watching me, a concerned look on his face, which only made it worse.

  ‘So, what am I?’ I said, before I could stop myself. ‘And…and what did you mean sense an exile’s presence?’

  Lincoln hesitated, as if he needed to choose his words carefully.

  ‘Just tell me!’ I snapped.

  He stared at me for a moment then looked down at his feet. I could see his shame and it only made me more furious – knowing he knew what he had done to me, how much he had hurt me.

  I stood up, wanting only to escape. Damn the rules. At some point, even I had to cut and run.

  ‘I have to go.’ I made a beeline for the door, grabbing my umbrella still dripping in the bucket by the entryway.

  ‘Vi, wait. We have to talk about this. Exiles can sense you now. You need to know how to protect yourself.’

  ‘No!’ I wasn’t interested. I was in flight mode and there was nothing I could do now to stop it. Our eyes locked briefly before I opened the door to make my exit. Just as I saw the pleading fear in his eyes, I knew he saw the anger in mine.