Embrace

by Jessica Shirvington

  ‘It’s OK. I can imagine,’ I said quickly. ‘How about this then, why did you leave your realm? I mean, you chose to, didn’t you?’

  He looked past me towards the wall. ‘Sort of.’

  ‘Why?’ I prodded.

  ‘Think of it as being born into a culture with arranged marriages. And divorce is definitely not allowed. Playing caretaker to mankind can be…’ His voice trailed off. Wherever he was, it wasn’t here. And there was a lot he wasn’t saying.

  ‘Do you miss your friends? Did you have friends? I mean…’

  He gave a soft laugh. ‘There were some minds that I enjoyed the presence of, but it’s not like it is here. Angels have no corporeal form. Human flesh is considered a lesser form, a vessel with so many frailties.’

  He saw my confused look and elaborated. ‘A prison of flesh; a heart that relies on lungs that in turn rely on oxygen to be ever-present. An intellect that relies on senses of the flesh to feed it knowledge. That’s why most of our powers, even after we take human form, are still centred on intangible things – imagination, memory…the passions.’

  ‘Passions?’

  ‘Emotions – love, hate, desire, fear, hope, despair – the things that lead people to their ultimate bliss or eventual downfall.’ His words sounded with regret and there was some longing in them too.

  ‘So if we’re so frail and angels are so powerful, why take human form?’ Someone had to stick up for us mere humans.

  ‘The very thing that overwhelms you,’ he said, opening a hand towards the crowded room of diners.

  ‘I’m lost.’

  He swirled his glass of wine, leaving a thick stain around the inside which slowly trickled back down to the blood-red pool. He tilted the glass towards me. ‘This. For one. Our knowledge is immeasurable, our power beyond compare. Yet I could only know what wine tastes of – I could not sip it or roll it on my tongue. I knew the tartness of a lemon, but could not wince from it. It became unbearable to witness the sun’s power and watch it strip a desert dry, burn a forest bare, and yet I could not so much as feel it warm my skin. It’s why you feel physical senses to alert you that we are near. Those senses are humans’ defining strength – and their weakness.’

  Like flicking a switch, he returned to his more familiar, seductive tone. ‘There are some feelings, some touches, some sensations…’ He inhaled and exhaled slowly, lingering, I was sure, for my benefit. ‘Flesh against flesh . No knowledge, no matter how great, can understand those touches. Only humans.’ He didn’t blink once.

  His eyes, oh my God. He hadn’t said anything X-rated, but that didn’t matter, he still made it sound so…steamy. My heart was racing and I didn’t know where to look. How had he gone from seeming so genuine one minute to exploding with sexual innuendo the next? How did I go from being all, I’ll ask the questions, to Someone get me water ’cause I’m burning up!

  I fixed my eyes on the kitchen door swinging open and shut. I forced myself not to look at him, not to look into his eyes. I didn’t need to anyway. I knew without looking that he’d have that same smirk on his face, revelling as I squirmed.

  I gave myself an internal count to ten to pull myself together. I made it to seventy-five before I spoke.

  ‘So…’ I wrapped my hand around my glass and took a sip. It was empty. I snuck a look at him. He was shaking a little, holding back a laugh.

  ‘So…?’ he prompted.

  ‘I was just wondering. I mean, I’m not exactly religious . . . but have you met…Do you know…?’

  ‘God?’ he jumped in.

  ‘Yeah.’ I never thought I would have to resort to God as a change of subject.

  Claudia returned with the pizzas. I ate quickly, using my hands to pick up the pieces. Phoenix ate slowly and I felt him watching me intently. It should have bothered me, but strangely I was starting to feel more and more comfortable around him. For the first time all night I felt myself physically relax into my chair.

  He half laughed, as if he knew what I had just thought, then carried on with our conversation. ‘It’s not like what humans say in fairytales, Violet. In some ways it’s even harder for us to know the answers to those questions than for humans.’ He was far away again. When he let his facade drop, it was easier to see his other-worldliness, see the depths of his eyes, the stillness of his features.

  He noticed me studying him and his tone lightened. ‘Anyway, the existence of a being so powerful that it could create life and worlds doesn’t need to be revealed to any other being unless it chooses to do so.’

  ‘And does he? I mean does anyone know for sure?’ I asked.

  ‘Apparently.’

  ‘So who, then?’

  ‘Only angels who have taken actions so momentous that they would not have been possible without the knowledge and perhaps help of a higher power. They are known as the Sole – the few who have been elevated beyond their normal rank to…something else. There are only two that I know of.’

  ‘OK. I’m listening.’ What? Did he need a drum roll?

  ‘The Sword Michael – and his opposite, The Star Lucifer.’

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. ‘As in…the devil…Lucifer?’ I spoke quietly, afraid that the nearby tables would overhear.

  ‘If that keeps it simple for you,’ he said, shaking his head a little.

  ‘So there is a hell?’

  ‘No…and yes. It’s a nice perspective that humans have of good and evil. It would be easier if it were right. If it were so basic though – to break it all into one or the other, Heaven or Hell – it would mean that angels of Heaven could do no wrong and angels of Hell could do no good, effectively leaving angels with no free will, and that is not the case. Within the angel realm exist equally angels of light and angels of dark. For every angel who offers a bridge to walk over, another angel is there to entice someone into troubled waters. Without this, free will would not be possible.’

  ‘But I thought evil only existed after Lucifer fell from Heaven.’ I was no expert, but I had been forced to sit through over a decade of religious studies in school.

  ‘I bet you thought angels had wings too.’ He raised his eyebrows a little.

  I pursed my lips in a vain attempt to defend myself, but of course he saw right through it.

  ‘I can’t explain everything. This isn’t something that can be summed up over just one pizza. Trust me, evil has always existed. The very story humans tell of creation, its first line, gives it all away.’ He put on a formal voice. ‘Let there be light, ya di ya di ya…But consider this – how could light be needed, if darkness had not preceded it?’

  I don’t know why, but I felt sad for Phoenix as he spoke. I didn’t know where it came from – it was as if his sadness was leaking into me somehow. I instinctively reached across the table and placed my hand on his, offering comfort. But I almost jumped out of my chair when we touched. Apple. I had forgotten the senses. Sparks flared between us and I reacted quickly, starting to move my hand away, but he grabbed it before I could. Birds’ wings started flapping as if there were a swarm of them inside my head. I pulled at my hand to release it from his grip, but he just pulled back. I stared daggers at him. This wasn’t a game. But when our eyes met and locked a wave of calm flushed my body, like being doused with a bucket of cool water on a sunny day. After a few seconds the senses were gone and I was just holding his hand.

  I bit down on my lip. The corner of Phoenix’s mouth curled and he gave my hand a small squeeze before releasing it.

  For the first time since all of this happened, I wanted to know more. Knowing that he had actually lived, existed, whatever…through all of this was bewildering.

  ‘Will you tell me more?’ I asked as I watched him dutifully pay the bill. I idly wondered where he got his money from and then decided I didn’t want to know.

  He nodded. ‘Tomorrow. When I take you to the new art exhibition at the Contemporary Museum.’

  My eyes narrowed. ‘You looked through my diary,’ I accused, feelin
g violated. I never let anyone look through my art diary.

  ‘Your little notebook? No.’

  ‘How did you know I love art then?’

  ‘I just did.’ He smiled, shifting his gaze down to my hands.

  I laughed. There was still yellow and orange paint in the cuticles of my fingernails.

  Before we left, I looked around for Claudia. She was nowhere to be seen.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  ‘If then we have angels, let us be sober, as though we were in the presence of tutors; for there is a demon present also.’

  St John Chrysostom

  Phoenix insisted he walk me home, despite my mediocre protests that I was fine. We walked out of the pizza place onto a now quiet street. The silence was quickly uncomfortable.

  As soon as we reached the alley that ran behind the restaurant, I sensed it. The tangy tart flavour of green apples. It reminded me of biting into those liquid-filled pieces of chewing gum. I hated those too.

  Phoenix stiffened beside me.

  ‘That’s not you, is it?’ I whispered, my heart racing.

  He didn’t answer. He didn’t need to.

  ‘Phoenix?’

  He snapped to, spinning towards me, bracing his hands on my shoulders. ‘Stay here.’ He shook me. ‘I’ll be back in a minute. STAY HERE!’

  I nodded. He turned and walked into the alley, leaving a waft of white musk in his wake. There were no streetlights. It was one of those narrow lanes, not wide enough for a car to drive down. Rubbish bins lined one side and odd bags of spilled rubbish and food scraps from the restaurants in front were piled beside them. After a few steps, the darkness swallowed Phoenix’s silhouette.

  It was hot, steamy even, but I still wrapped my arms around my waist, feeling a chill.

  I strained my eyes but I couldn’t see anything. Then, over the sound of wings flapping, I heard the muffled scream of a girl. The next scream wasn’t muffled. It rang loud and clear. A scream that held absolute desperation. My feet were carrying me into the darkness before I even realised.

  Phoenix was standing in front of what I could instantly tell was another exile. He was tall and slim, but broad through the shoulders. He was dressed all in black with glowing white blond hair. He had hold of a girl, restraining her with an arm around her neck. She was kicking out, trying to get away. Her bright-red hair caught my attention. Then I registered her uniform. The shirt was ripped open and the black skirt was still there, though it was clear it wouldn’t be for long. Her gold name badge winked at me in the moonlight. Claudia.

  As I walked towards Phoenix, she saw me and screamed, ‘Violet! Thank God! VIOLET! HELP ME!’

  The blond exile tightened his grip around her neck and put his other hand over her mouth, silencing her.

  I stopped beside Phoenix.

  ‘I told you to wait. Go back!’ he growled at me. I didn’t have time to respond before he turned his attention to the blond. ‘Release her.’ He spoke quietly, the threat stronger without the volume. A shiver ran through my body.

  The blond flinched and threw Claudia down. Her head hit the ground so hard it bounced.

  ‘Kneel before me,’ the exile sneered at her.

  To my horror, I watched as Claudia crawled onto her hands and knees. Blood was flowing freely from a gash above her left eye. She stopped at his feet, kneeling before him as he had commanded.

  ‘Beg me to take your life,’ he ordered, as if talking to a rabid dog.

  Claudia shook with fear, but couldn’t stop the words. ‘Kill me. P-p-please,’ she cried.

  ‘No! Let her go!’ I screamed. ‘Claudia! Claudia, run!’

  But she didn’t. And instead of letting her go, the blond exile put a hand on either side of her face.

  ‘If you want her, come and get her,’ he hissed, looking at me. ‘Grigori!’

  He lifted Claudia, holding her out to us. Her feet dangled in mid-air. Before I knew what I was doing, I was running. I felt the sweep of Phoenix’s hand at my back as he reached out to stop me. Arms outstretched I ran, even though I knew I was too slow and he was way too fast.

  His arms moved with swift precision. Such a small movement, but the force was distinctive. Claudia’s neck snapped to the side with a life-ending crack. An unmistakeable sound imprinted upon me for eternity.

  I was there less than a second too late. But it may as well have been hours for all the good it did. He released her, dropping her into my outstretched arms. Her dead weight crumpled on me like a massive rag doll and I fell under her. The exile inhaled a deep, satisfied breath, holding it for a moment before looking straight at me as I struggled desperately to free myself. His face was stone. No remorse.

  ‘Your turn,’ he said with a smile, as if offering me a go on the Ferris Wheel. He lunged towards me.

  I didn’t stand a chance – but then, I didn’t need to. He barely made it within an arm’s length of me before Phoenix was there, barrelling into him like a freight train.

  They exchanged blow after blow, all at lightning speed. If I hadn’t seen it, I wouldn’t have believed it. The blond was so fast, sending his fist into Phoenix’s face with punishing force, throwing him across the width of the alley and into the brick wall. Amazingly, it barely slowed Phoenix, who was back up faster than I could track with my human sight. Phoenix didn’t hesitate in his retaliation. He was a beautiful, lethal machine – lithe and fluid as he weaved and dodged the exile’s blows.

  It was soon clear they were matched in strength but not in skill. With fierce precision, Phoenix manoeuvred the blond into the end of the alley, pounding his fists into him over and over again.

  Finally, the exile slumped to the ground. Phoenix knelt over him. I couldn’t see clearly in the dark and I was glad. One God-awful thrust, then the wet sticky sound of something being torn and snapped. It was not a sound I’d ever heard before, nor did I want to ever hear it again.

  Phoenix was quick to lift Claudia off me and help me up. He wiped the tears from my eyes and pulled me close. The senses were still affecting me, but I didn’t care. I held onto him as tightly as I could. As I did, I could feel his exhaustion…and something else. He was rigid, tense.

  ‘What happened?’ I stuttered, moving back a little.

  ‘He’s dead.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Grigori have their ways – exiles have their own.’

  ‘I heard. You ripped his heart out?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said.

  The most frightening thing was, I didn’t mind a bit. ‘How did he make her ask to die?’ I was shaking my head even as I asked the question. It was impossible.

  ‘Imagination. He had her seeing one thing but saying another. She was weak and he took her will easily.’

  I thought yet again of my mother’s letter, which I had now read countless times. Imagination is their highway, free will is ours.

  My mind was ticking over, reliving the moments. I was almost there.

  ‘He called me Grigori,’ I said. ‘He killed her because she called to me.’ My breathing tightened with the thought. Had I been the reason Claudia was killed? Please, no.

  ‘He would have killed her anyway, just not so fast.’

  I pulled away and got my first good look at him. He was breathing fast. Not exhaustion…Adrenalin. His eyes were so…alive…wired.

  ‘He was an exile of dark, a Cherub. Never liked Cherubs, not here or in the realm.’ He wiped his hands down his jeans as if dusting them off. ‘His only goal was to inflict pain. You just saved her the torment.’

  ‘Her name was Claudia.’ I needed to say her name out loud. I would never forget it again.

  ‘We need to go,’ Phoenix said, looking around.

  ‘No. We have to do something. Call the police,’ I said, horrified that he was willing to just leave her in the dirty alley.

  ‘Someone else will find her.’ He tried to push me towards the main road. I refused to move and eventually he sighed and nodded.

  When the police arrived we answered all
their questions. I felt terrible lying, but Phoenix made it clear there was no choice. At least there was only Claudia’s body to explain. The exile’s body had disappeared. Not a trace left behind. The police took our statements, accepting all too quickly that we had caught a glimpse of a woman’s body lying on the ground when we walked past the alley on our way home from the pizzeria. Phoenix careered through their questions with disturbing ease. I wondered if he was doing something. The officers were too obliging, and the whole process was over in a matter of minutes. I felt an awful pang of guilt that Claudia’s family would never know the truth. Though, I was learning, the truth was not always better.

  After walking me to my building, Phoenix stood awkwardly on the pavement while I fished through my bag for my swipe card to the main doors. The silence had dragged as I hiccupped and sobbed most of the way home. Any other time, I would have been embarrassed, but for now I was settling for a kind of numb.

  ‘Violet?’

  ‘What?’ I tensed, worried he might ask to come up to the apartment. But it was worse than that.

  ‘You should see Linc—’

  ‘No!’ I shook my head hard, trying to throw off the whole conversation.

  Phoenix put his hands in the air defensively. ‘Hey, I don’t even know the guy and I don’t like him. But things out there are…you saw yourself. You need to learn how to protect yourself. Think about it.’

  That’s exactly what I didn’t want to do. Thinking about it made me want to fall apart and I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, do that.

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, just to make it go away.

  Images of Claudia’s body circled in my mind and thoughts of Lincoln stirred close behind. Pain and love and loss. All too much to comprehend.

  ‘I have to go.’ I swiped my card on the doors with too much vigour and had to try three times before they clicked open.

  ‘You can’t just pretend he doesn’t exist,’ he murmured.

  I spun, heat rising through my body. ‘Actually, I can! And if you want to see me again, so can you!’ My heart twisted at my words as I stormed through the doors.

  ‘We’ll see.’

  I didn’t bother turning. I just kept walking into the bright lobby, leaving him on the dark street. When I heard the doors close behind me I breathed a sigh of relief.