Embrace

by Jessica Shirvington

  As soon as I tasted apple on the tip of my tongue, I knew the rest of the senses would follow. I stumbled a few steps, trying to get away. It was futile.

  Images of morning and evening flashed before my eyes, blinding me. It was…violent. Painful. I dropped to my knees and screamed. I heard Lincoln cry out, though he didn’t touch me. I wanted to stop it, but I couldn’t. Cold heat rushed through my body. I felt like a rigid statue of ice with a volcano erupting from within. I could hear my screams. Worlds away.

  My back arched, my arms falling behind me, dangling to the ground, my knuckles grazing the concrete floor.

  An arm encircled my waist, holding me up as I arched back even further. Another hand gripped the side of my face, keeping me still. I felt myself slipping away, losing myself to the senses. I tried to concentrate, tried to remember what Phoenix had told me. Emotion, I needed to control my emotions. Or distract them with something that could totally consume me.

  I hoped it was Lincoln’s arm around my waist.

  ‘Kiss me,’ I whispered.

  The hands on my face froze. Another wave of the senses pummelled through me.

  ‘Kiss me, please!’ This time I was screaming.

  He slammed into me, crashing through the barriers. So perfectly moulded to my mouth, he pushed my lips apart and…we melted. The same cool, pure breeze I had felt after Lincoln had touched me when I first held the wristband galloped through my body, through my soul. It blew the overpowering smell of flowers away like a breeze through a field. I felt the apple fade until all I could taste was his very real mouth. My body poured the cool heat and humming energy into him, until he had absorbed it all. The birds circled us and flew into the distance.

  He pulled me closer. Kneeling in front of me, he kissed me intensely and I felt…right. Morning and evening slipped away. It was just us. Silence surrounded us. My heart leapt and I kissed him back, knowing so truly that I loved him. My heart cried and I pulled away, knowing so truly that he had betrayed me.

  I fell to the ground.

  He fell to the ground.

  I cried.

  He screamed.

  Slowly, the room and people around us came back into perspective. Griffin was by my side, asking me a million questions I couldn’t register. I didn’t know if the pain rolling through me was real or not. I looked over to my side and could see the dead bodies lying around me. It was like I was one of them.

  ‘Lincoln?’ I croaked. ‘Is he OK?’

  Magda was bent over Lincoln where he lay on the ground. I crawled the small distance to him. I didn’t miss the accusing look she shot me before she moved away. With all the violence that had just coursed through my body, I had to fight off a momentary inclination to smash her face with my fist.

  ‘Linc.’ My voice cracked as I tried to control my tears.

  He looked at me, trembling.

  ‘Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?’

  He was breathing fast. ‘A bit more like overloaded. I’ve never felt anything… Violet, your…’ He turned from me to look at Griffin, now also kneeling beside him. ‘Did you see that? Feel any of it?’

  Griffin was calm. ‘I saw it, but didn’t feel it. Tell me.’

  Lincoln looked to me. ‘Can I?’

  At least he’d asked my permission. I nodded silently. I couldn’t keep pretending these things weren’t happening.

  ‘I felt all five, Griff. She hasn’t even embraced yet and she has all five senses, each stronger than any I have ever felt. When I touched her, she fed them to me. I felt them completely. It’s as if she…she doesn’t just sense them, but…she becomes them.’

  Yeah, like I’m freaking possessed!

  Griffin was silent, then asked, ‘Why the kiss?’

  Good question. Lincoln looked at me.

  Please don’t make me try to answer this.

  ‘I think it’s because she couldn’t control it, couldn’t make it stop. When I kissed her it acted as a conduit. Like we could share the senses and give them somewhere to go. Once they moved through me, they left.’

  Griffin looked curiously at me. ‘So someone just has to kiss you to control it?’

  I saw Lincoln’s eyes flash as he waited for my answer. I knew he was wondering if I’d tried out the theory before.

  ‘No.’ I blushed. I couldn’t say what I knew. Couldn’t say that I had kissed Phoenix and it hadn’t stopped the senses. ‘I…I’m not sure,’ I lied.

  ‘Right, so we need to have Lincoln on hand in case this happens again.’ Griffin looked grave, but when he saw the panic on my face he softened. ‘I wish I could give you the answers, Violet, but I don’t have them. I’ve never known another Grigori to possess all the senses or to be so acutely aware that they can sense exiles in the wake of their destruction. It may be that it’s just temporary and Lincoln is the only one who can help you because he’s your partner. You are designed to complement one another, though such close physical contact is not…’

  He and Lincoln exchanged a look.

  ‘Not now,’ Lincoln said. They were keeping something from me. I felt my defences go up. I didn’t want to be lied to again.

  ‘For now, at least, we need to find out what happened here tonight. I have some contacts who should be able to let me know if any exiles of light have been taken – we can start there. We need to know what we’re dealing with, especially if they have numbers.’

  ‘Agreed,’ Lincoln said. ‘But we should get Violet out of here in case the senses return.’ He was already getting up, brushing himself off.

  ‘Good idea.’ Griffin turned to me. ‘Lincoln will take you home. We can talk tomorrow, discuss what’s ahead for you.’

  I stared at him. I couldn’t contemplate a future like this. I’d been beginning to think that maybe I could face this life, maybe it would ease the guilt over what had happened to Claudia. But I couldn’t… My whole body was still shaking from what had just happened. I’d had no control whatsoever and control was one thing I was not willing to relinquish. I didn’t want to be overcome by these senses. Especially knowing that the one person who had betrayed me the most was the one person who could stop them.

  ‘Actually, I’m fine,’ I said. ‘Look, I understand, I do. What you do, it’s important. It’s just…I’m not that person.’ I looked around the room and spotted an exit door. ‘I’m sorry. I have to go.’

  I headed for the door and straight out without looking back. I kept going until I hit a small park at the end of the road. I hadn’t made it far, but my legs were still shaky and I wasn’t great in high heels to begin with. Yes, I was a wimp and running was against the rules, but I’d had to get out.

  I sat on a worn-out park bench. It was late, or early. It looked as if dawn was creeping into the sky. I heard footsteps. I knew it was him without turning. He sat beside me and reached for my hand, but I pulled it away.

  ‘I’m sorry I hurt you,’ I said. ‘I don’t know how to control this stuff.’ I wondered how painful it had been. His scream had sounded pretty bad.

  ‘I was glad to help. Wanted to help. It’s not the senses that hurt anyway.’ He put his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. He took a deep breath and blew it out. ‘Kissing you is… I tried so hard, for so long, to deny myself. I tried to do the right thing. But ever since we kissed on your birthday… I knew once I started I’d never be able to…even though we can’t.’

  ‘You keep saying we can’t. It’s just an excuse, Linc.’

  ‘It’s not.’

  ‘Then why? Why can’t we?’ I knew I was probably just hurting myself more, having this conversation with him, but I couldn’t help myself.

  ‘We’re destined partners, Vi. Like Griffin said, our powers are complemented by one another, our souls affected. Grigori partners, they can’t ever be together…like that. It’s too dangerous. It weakens our powers, makes us vulnerable to exiles.’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘That’s why I always tried to keep a distance, stay away, be professional. But now…’r />
  ‘Now what?’ I asked, struggling to process what he was saying. We could never be together? Not if I become a Grigori…

  He shook his head. ‘Now every time I look at you, I can see you can’t bear to be around me and I can’t even make it right.’

  I was silent. I didn’t tell him it wasn’t true, that I did want to be near him, desperately. That more and more I wished I had it in me to just…let go.

  ‘Will you ever forgive me?’ he asked.

  My mother’s letter had requested the same thing. Understand; I could try. Forgiveness always seemed harder.

  ‘I think my mother was a Grigori,’ I said, avoiding his question.

  ‘What?’ He seemed genuinely surprised, which was a relief. Part of the reason I hadn’t told him about this before was because I was afraid it was yet another thing he already knew and was keeping from me.

  ‘Dad gave me a box that she’d left behind for my seventeenth birthday. It was the same as the box you have and inside was one of the silver wristbands and…a letter.’

  ‘Jesus. I didn’t know, I swear. I’ve never known of another Grigori who had a Grigori parent. What did the letter say?’

  ‘That spirits are real and sometimes they need to be returned…and to forgive her.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Silence spoke volumes until Lincoln finally broke it. ‘I know I failed your trust. When you’ve embraced and you’re a Grigori, there’ll never be the need for secrets. I promise I’ll never keep anything from you again.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Lincoln, but are you goddamn insane? Do you really think I want to become a Grigori? After what just happened? What will happen to me once I actually embrace this thing? I can’t even cope now!’

  His brow furrowed. ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘Let me spell it out for you. I – don’t – want – to – be – a – Grigori. Now or ever! I’m sorry you had these grand plans, but I just want to go to school and live my life. Just my normal human life.’ As I said it, I knew it was true.

  He stood and started pacing around me. I stood too.

  ‘You can’t, Vi. You’re not like other people. Even Phoenix said it. Your power attracts too much attention. You need to learn how to harness your Grigori powers to keep you safe.’

  ‘No, I don’t. I’ve made my choice. Remember – free will. You can tell Griffin.’

  He hunkered down in front of me, his head in his hands, then he sank to his knees. ‘Violet, please. I can’t stand by and watch them hurt you. Hate me forever, but please don’t do this. They’ll find you and…they’ll kill you.’

  Wow. Nothing like a little death threat to brighten your night.

  I stood while he remained at my feet. In that moment it seemed ironic. It had always been me kneeling at his feet, worshipping him.

  ‘I’ll take my chances.’

  He stared at the ground but when he spoke his voice was steady. ‘Do you really think that exile can protect you? Are you really sure he isn’t the very thing you should be running from?’

  I half laughed. ‘That smacks of jealousy, Lincoln.’

  He didn’t look up. ‘Of course. Isn’t that what you were aiming for?’

  Stabbing myself in the eye with a toothpick would have been easier than forcing myself to turn and walk away. But somehow I did it. I left the man I would have once never willingly turned from, kneeling in the wet grass.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  ‘Yet he was jealous, though he did not show it, For jealousy dislikes the world to know it.’

  Lord Byron

  I woke to find Phoenix sitting at the end of my bed. Seeing him there, uninvited and in my personal space, should have upset me more than it did. Instead of being annoyed, I felt calm.

  ‘Are you influencing me?’ I asked, clearing my throat between words.

  ‘No.’

  I wasn’t sure that was entirely true. He smoothed a hand over my bedspread, only to ruffle it again in a clenched fist. He was sulking.

  ‘I’m sorry about last night,’ I said, rubbing my face awake. Mascara came off on my hands, alerting me to the fact that I now had panda eyes. I hadn’t even bothered to wash my face by the time I got home last night, or rather, this morning.

  He didn’t respond. He just watched me. I was sure he was reading my emotions. ‘You were the one who said I needed to talk to him,’ I tried, reaching for a tissue.

  ‘Talk?’ He raised an eyebrow.

  I couldn’t stop the blush as last night’s kiss replayed in my mind. I quickly set about dabbing my eyes, hiding behind the tissue.

  ‘No one feels that guilty about a conversation,’ he said quietly.

  I pretended I hadn’t heard him and kept busy with the hard-to-budge mascara.

  ‘I can sense your memory, Violet!’ He slammed his hand down on the mattress, and the whole bed, with me on it, bounced. ‘More than words were exchanged.’

  He stood up and walked over to my bookshelf, pretending to rifle through it. ‘And the regret you feel isn’t regret for whatever you did do.’

  I tried to focus on nothing, tried to control my emotions and block him out. He glared at me, totally pissed off.

  ‘Look, Phoenix, if you’re going to read me then at least get your facts straight.’

  He looked confused. I sat up in the bed, suddenly conscious I was wearing a Lion King T-shirt and most likely had bird’s-nest hair.

  ‘There was a…’ I didn’t know how to describe what I’d seen. The idea of those people lying there with their insides ripped from them. The man who had been beyond lifeless, completely lost. Just the memory made me nauseous. I wrapped an arm around a pillow and pulled it close to my body.

  ‘Grigori were killed. When I saw the bodies I…It was…painful. I couldn’t control it. I was desperate and had to find a way to stop the senses. So I…’

  ‘Used your feelings for Lincoln?’

  I looked down, embarrassed. ‘Yes.’

  ‘And it worked?’ he pressed.

  ‘Yes.’

  A look of pure fury swept across Phoenix’s face. I shuffled back in the bed until I hit the wall. I was shaking, but I held his eyes.

  After a few minutes, he walked to my bedroom door. ‘Have a shower, get changed. I’ll make coffee.’ His voice was distant.

  I lay back in bed and pulled the duvet over my head, not knowing if I was supposed to feel relieved or more worried.

  I scavenged around my room looking for clean clothes – something that was becoming an all-too- often habit. Normal things, like washing, just seemed so unimportant these days. I threw on an old pair of jeans that were loose around the waist. I rarely wore them because I constantly had to tug them up. Plus, it was about thirty degrees outside. I knew I’d be hot, but nothing else would pass for clean. While crawling around on my hands and knees in search of a belt, my mother’s box, which I’d stashed under my bed, caught my eye.

  I pulled it out and emptied the contents across my bed. As I tipped it upside down I saw on the bottom a faded inscription I hadn’t noticed before.

  Evelyn bar Semangelof

  Magen of Will

  I picked up the baby necklace with the small amulet. Dad had told me the amulet was some kind of good luck charm to be worn for a baby’s first twenty days. He’d put it on me every day for six months, just to be sure.

  I held the amulet in my hand. It depicted three figures standing with their hands outstretched. I could see the faint outline of wings behind them. I flipped it over in my hand and there was another engraving on the back. It was small and faded. I could barely make it out.

  S.S.S. Protect

  Apart from sounding like the name of a naval ship, I had no idea what it meant.

  Had my mother truly been a Grigori? Had everything been a lie? Did she even really love Dad? Or me for that matter?

  The sound of a thump on my door startled me.

  ‘Coffee’s ready,’ Phoenix called out. He was obviously still grumpy. I took a deep breath and
ran my hands through my hair, a futile attempt to relieve stress.

  I put all of the contents back in the box, trying not to touch it or the silver wristband more than necessary. I didn’t need another unwanted attack of the senses. My hand lingered on the envelope that held my mother’s words, before it too went into the box and back under my bed. ‘Out in a minute,’ I yelled.

  When I reached out to open my door, I noticed my arms and stumbled backwards in shock. My veins had wrapped around my wrist like a thin bracelet. I looked closer at the markings and realised they weren’t my veins at all – they were something else. The colour was almost grey or even…metallic?

  I inhaled and closed my eyes. Breathe, don’t panic. Breathe, don’t panic.

  I reminded myself that I was a master at putting things into the deal-with-later section of my mind. This was no different.

  The smell of fresh coffee hit me as soon as I walked into the kitchen wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt over my baggy jeans. Yeah, not my best look.

  ‘You’ll be hot in that,’ Phoenix said, barely looking up.

  ‘It’s fine.’

  He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I kept my emotions as calm and neutral as possible. His eyebrows rose higher, but to my relief he didn’t say anything.

  I drank the coffee Phoenix had made for me. I was sure it would be the first of many that day. I thought about the previous night and the decision I’d made. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was getting back some control. Since that day at Lincoln’s, I’d been losing myself bit by bit to the fear and panic of it all. The truth had shattered my sense of equilibrium, but I wasn’t going to let someone else’s idea of my destiny ruin what I’d worked so hard for. For better or worse, this was right for me. So what if I had a few weird marks on my arms? I could live with that.

  ‘You’re fooling yourself,’ Phoenix said out of nowhere, breaking my trail of positive thoughts.

  I pouted, determined not to have my moment ruined. ‘Stop reading me. It’s rude.’ I skipped to the fridge and pulled out a tub of yogurt.