Dave Trellis and the Allotments of Doom
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‘Oh Dave. Come on, Fergus and Boadicea love you, they want you to be part of their special day.’
‘I admire the way you managed to get all the way through that sentence without cracking a smile.’
Maeve grinned.
Suddenly barking dogs ran out of the Catacombs entrance.
‘Hey up, what’s this? Has Abbey returned early?’ asked Dave.
The ground shimmied in a slow wave and Dave felt himself lift and settle like small boat on a wave. Dave looked at Maeve, her eye brows shot up.
‘That’s not normal,’ she said.
‘It is not,’ said Engineer, who appeared sat on a chair at the table. He wore an immaculate black suit and still looked like a bank manger after a clumsy proctology procedure.
‘Engineer, an unexpected intrusion; something you want to talk about?’ asked Dave.
‘It is, without exception, the most annoying thing that has happened since I let you descend from the trees. What puts the cherry on top of this complete shambles is that it is entirely your fault Trellis. Come with me.’
Dave managed ‘Here we go agai-’ before he and Engineer disappeared with a pop of displaced air.
Frequently Asked Questions (The FAQ)
What do you mean by ‘One Life, One Woman, One Shed?
You have one life; live it to the full. There is only enough time to devote yourself to one woman, choose her wisely. If you manage these two things, you will need a shed; a temple of masculine solitude and independence in which to gather your thoughts and get on with your endeavours.
How come you have off-world visitors when Faster Than Light travel is impossible.
Good question. Faster Than Light travel is impossible as shown by the Einstein’s special theory of relativity. As you approach the speed of light, mass increases and length decreases and you can never get enough energy to push past this limit. However, Einstein proposed that time was absolute and bound to space – the famous space time continuum.
You cannot travel faster than the speed of light, as this is the limit of the movement of information. You cannot travel in time and move information faster than light. If you accept that time is not absolute and can be changed, then the speed of light is not a limitation. If you store time, then information stays in its own timeframe and when it is returned to its original timeframe, the time is also returned, then the laws of physics are not broken.
Is that pseudo-scientific BS for real?
Nobody researches this much, as everyone accepts that time is an absolute and bound inextricably to space. Physics is currently in a bit of a pickle, what with Quantum Entanglement, Dark Matter, the Higgs Boson weighing too much and even Stephan Hawkins is uncertain.
There are only a few things I believe: Parallel Universes do not exist, Quantum Mechanics is as limited as Newtonian Physics, Infinity is a null concept and Time is quantised and not an absolute. Add all these together for a new Chrono Mechanical Physics that none of us can understand. The engineering will be vast and the outcomes unbelievable, in fact it could be awesome, perhaps the only time that word has been used properly since delusional people thought they experienced their god.
Why did you call your main character Dave Trellis?
The BBC Radio 4 programme ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue’ and its legendary and sadly missed Chairman, Humphrey Lyttleton was often written to by Mrs Trellis of North Wales. I stole the surname as I thought it amusing and of course, Dave is the name of the sort of bloke that owns an allotment shed.
Why dogs? Surely their skulls are too small to contain an intelligent brain.
They are suited to the role of reconnaissance and their loyalty is impeccable. Thus they suit the SAS style role in which they are portrayed. Besides, dogs are often pathetic and inherently funny.
What’s all this about the Tuatha De Danaan then?
Look it up. Google is your friend.
And what’s all this Brentford nonsense?
Please read Robert Rankin’s fabulous and funny Brentford trilogy to appreciate the wonder that is Brentford. It is thus a suitable location for the Dark Library and so happens to be directly south of Huddersfield, the logical path of the M7.
Are you going to write any more Dave Trellis books?
Glad you asked. Yes, already in progress and awaiting receipt of suitable funds, in order to skive off work and write more.
Any advice for other amateur authors?
I can only offer Douglas Adam’s advice, which was; write a radio play for the BBC. If nothing else it will tighten up your dialogue.
Can I get in contact you?
Sure, why not: Dave.Trellis@stuartd.demon.co.uk
Just don’t expect me to comment on your work – you need to form your own opinions. Or post it to www.youwriteon.com. They are a knowledgeable bunch and many can be truly helpful.
Did you make up this FAQ yourself to make it seem like somebody actually cares?
Yes, sad isn’t it.