Just What the Truth Is

by Cardeno C.

  The surprise and confusion in Micah’s eyes told me he hadn’t been expecting to hear that particular confession. Before he could say anything, I kept talking, needing to get it all out there. “Don’t get me wrong, they’re not bad people. It’s just that they have certain beliefs, and being gay doesn’t mesh with them.”

  Micah nodded and took a bite of some sort of leftover beef dish. Well, I supposed he was giving me room to talk, so I did. I talked and Micah listened.

  I told him about my childhood: “It was idyllic in a lot of ways—upper middle class upbringing, stay-at-home mom driving me to activities and leagues, a dad who played catch with me in the backyard, and a younger brother I loved. But in other ways, growing up was… numbing.

  “I knew I was different from a really young age, and I always knew it was wrong. I don’t want you to think that my parents are like awful, hateful people or anything, because they’re really not. But their negative opinions about gay people were very clear from the things they said and the way they acted. And I was constantly afraid they’d figure out that I was one of those people. For a couple of years right after puberty hit, I even stopped having friends over because I was worried my parents would notice how I looked at other guys. It was exhausting, and I wanted so much to just be normal.”

  I told him about my dating history: “I thought maybe if I ignored it or went out with girls, it’d just it’d go away. All that practice hiding in front of my family taught me some useful skills. Like if you smile a lot and make jokes, and if you’re good at sports and dress a certain way, people want to be around you. So I never had any problem making friends, never got into any trouble, never had trouble finding girls to date. My parents were happy, they were proud of me. And I was… well, I was getting by, I guess.”

  And then we were done eating, the leftover containers were in the trash, the dishes were in the dishwasher, and we were on our way back to the bedroom. We crawled into bed and lay on our sides facing each other. Micah traced my ear, the curve of my cheek, and my jawline with his finger. “I owe you an apology, Ben,” he said tenderly. “I’m sorry.”

  I sat up in surprise. “What do you mean?”

  “I just assumed you were out. I should have realized you weren’t from some of the things you said and did. But I knew your brother before I’d ever met you, and Noah is just really, um, in your face, you know? About everything. I guess it never occurred to me that his brother would be—”

  “A spineless wimp cowering in the closet,” I finished the sentence for him and slid onto my back, squeezing my eyes shut.

  I felt the mattress shift and then Micah’s body moving over mine until he was straddling me with his knees on either side of my hips and his elbows next to my shoulders.

  “No, honey. I don’t think you’re spineless. And I don’t think you’re a wimp.” He kissed my forehead, and I opened my eyes. “I get it, Ben,” he said. “I know what it’s like to deny it, to fight it, to try to change it. And I remember how scary it is when none of those things work and you finally have to admit to yourself that you like guys, that you’re gay and that you’re always going to be.”

  “So what did you do?” I asked in a whisper. “How did you deal with it?”

  He paused and dropped a kiss on my lips. “I realized that when I go to sleep at night, I’m the only one inside my head, so at the end of the day, I had to find a way to make myself someone I could stand or, in a perfect world, someone I could like. So I did the only thing I could do—I accepted it. It’s amazing how just that one thing is enough to make it a little better.”

  I nodded because I understood. As emotionally draining and painful as the past twenty-four hours had been, there was also a big part of me that felt lighter somehow. Like just the act of telling my parents the truth had dissolved a heavy weight I had been carrying. “And then?” I asked.

  “Well, then you just… you just live.” He stretched out until his legs were tangled with mine, our chests were pressed together, and our eyes lined up. “To paraphrase from one of my favorite musicals, ‘There are days when you’ll be faced with a whole lotta ugly from a never-ending parade of stupid.’ So it’s not always easy, but that’s life, right? You might lose some friends along the way, but you’ll also gain new ones. You might feel uncomfortable in certain places, but you’ll become part of a community with other people like us. And whatever happens, you’ll be you, the real you. And that right there is worth the price of admission.”

  “That’s some pretty Zen talk for a bulldog litigator,” I teased.

  “Well, we don’t want to let opposing counsel know that. Gotta keep them on their toes, so the whole Zen thing will be our little secret,” he said before leaning down and kissing me. Our tongues danced, our hips ground together, and our hands wandered. It felt amazing. “Hey, Ben,” Micah asked as he pulled back from yet another in a long lineup of breath-stealing kisses.

  “Mmm-hmm,” I replied.

  “Can I ask you something without you getting upset?” The way his nose was burrowing into my neck made it impossible for me to refuse.

  “You can ask me anything. I’m an open book now. You just need to be careful about reading me at bedtime, because I have some pretty scary chapters.”

  He chuckled softly and squeezed me tight. “When you said that you just came out today, what does that mean, exactly? I gather that you weren’t out to your family and that you weren’t out at work. But does that mean there haven’t been other guys except for me?”

  I couldn’t stop the blush from spreading up my neck and over my cheeks, but it was a fair question, and I forced myself to answer it without getting defensive. “You’re the first guy I’ve ever been with. I, uh, fooled around a little after we broke up, but it wasn’t anything serious.”

  He dipped his head and kissed me lightly. Then he peppered kisses along my jaw and sucked on my ear lobe. “Is that why you haven’t wanted to top me?” His voice was even deeper than usual, the roughness more pronounced. “I’ve been wondering why you always took things in a different direction when that came up.”

  “I wanted to, I just….” I tried not to feel embarrassed. I’d had his dick in my body, for Christ’s sake. A little conversation shouldn’t be an issue. “I wasn’t exactly sure what to do, and I was worried that I’d do it wrong or hurt you or something. And it felt really good the other way too, so….” I shrugged and let the thought trail off.

  “You know, one of the great things about being gay is that we get to have a lot of flexibility in our sex lives. I know there are guys who like to take only one role in bed, but I’ve always thought that was kind of a waste. Giving feels great, but so does receiving. At least to me.” He reached between us and stroked my dick. “You wanna try doing me tonight to see if you agree?”

  I nodded so fast it was a wonder I didn’t get whiplash. Micah chuckled once again. Then he leaned down and gnawed on my neck, making his way down my sternum and over to my right nipple. He licked around the brown disk before taking it into his mouth and sucking. I arched up and moaned. Then he gave my right nipple the same treatment before moving down my belly until my hard, leaking cock nudged his chin.

  He circled his tongue around my glans, licked up and down my hard length, and then sucked me into his mouth. His right hand wrapped around the base of my dick and held me steady while his mouth worked me over. That wet heat moved up and down, taking me farther and farther into this mouth until I could feel my crown pressing against the back of his throat.

  “Micah! Oh, damn, Micah, you gotta stop.” Unable to control my own body, I arched my back and pushed myself deeper into his mouth. “I’m not gonna be able to hold back… Micah!”

  He came off my dick with a pop and gave me a proud, satisfied look as he leaned over and pulled the bottle of lube and a condom out of the night stand. I leaned my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes, trying to calm my breathing and push back my impending orgasm. I had actually made some progress when I felt the co
ol condom on the head of my cock and Micah’s hot hand rolling it down. He followed that up with a drizzle of lube and few firm strokes to get me covered, and I had to bite my lip and think of baseball statistics in order to stop myself from exploding right then and there.

  Micah’s hand disappeared, and then I heard a quiet moan. My eyes popped open, and I almost swallowed my tongue in reaction to the sight that greeted me. Micah was kneeling above me, his head tilted back, eyes closed, brow furrowed in concentration. And his hand was snaked behind his back and moving in a way that left no question as to what he was doing back there.

  I tightened my abs and raised myself to a sitting position as I clasped his wrist. “Stop. I wanna do that. Can I?”

  His eyelids fluttered open, and he dropped his forehead against mine. “God, yes. How do you want me, honey?”

  I wiggled out from underneath him, crawled behind him, and flattened my hand between his shoulder blades, encouraging him down onto his hands and knees. Micah followed my direction without any resistance, getting onto all fours and then spreading his legs a little more and tilting his ass up in invitation. Damn, was that ever sexy.

  I moaned his name and reached for the lube, coating my fingers and then circling his pucker with a gentle touch.

  “Fells good,” he sighed.

  “I’m going to push in a finger now.”

  I gave him a couple of seconds to object, but when he didn’t, I slowly pressed my finger into his warm channel. Micah moaned and rocked backwards, taking me all the way down to the knuckle. It was incredible to know that I was making him feel so good, and I felt my confidence rise. One finger became two, two became three, and before I knew it, I was holding Micah’s hip steady with one hand and leading my cock to its target with the other.

  A slow, steady push got me balls deep inside my lover. I held still, draping my chest over his back and trying to regain a bit of control.

  “Still good?” I asked him.

  “God, yes. You feel amazing inside me.” He moved his hips back and forth, inspiring me to move with him and drag my cock out of his channel until the swollen glans was holding his tight ring open. Then I pushed back in one fast stroke. “Yes!” he shouted. “So good, honey. So damn good.”

  It was good. More than good. His tight heat surrounding me, welcoming me home, damn near took my breath away. I flattened my hands on the mattress on either side of him, rested my forehead between his shoulder blades, and began moving in earnest.

  I thrust my cock in and out of his passage, changing my angle until I hit that spot inside him that made him cry out. And then we moved together, our pace increasing until I could hear the sound of our skin slapping together.

  “Aww, fuck, I wanna cum,” he groaned. “Touch me, honey. God, please touch me.”

  My right hand moved off the bed and gripped his cock. It didn’t take more than a few firm strokes before he was shouting my name and shooting onto the mattress. His ass clenched around my dick and pulled my orgasm from me.

  “Micah, Micah!” I chanted his name. “I’m right there. Oh God. Oh God. Yes!”

  My entire body shook with the force of my climax. My rhythm disappeared as I pounded into him a few more times and then held myself still deep inside him and filled the condom.

  We stayed like that for a while as our pulses slowed. Eventually, I slipped out of his body, tied off the condom, and tossed it into the trash can. Micah flipped onto his back and pulled me down on top of him, holding me close and kissing my neck.

  I felt so carefree and happy. It was amazing, really, considering how long I had been certain that my whole world would crumble if I ever let myself act on my feelings for other men. But there I was, in bed with a man, out to my parents, and ready to stop hiding from everyone else. And my world had never felt more right.

  “You know, I thought of something else that’s good about coming out,” Micah’s husky voice mumbled into my ear between kisses.

  “What’s that?” I asked breathlessly.

  “Well, sometimes, you’re lucky enough to find a guy who can share that new life with you. Someone to laugh with you during the happy times and help prop you up during the hard ones.” He lowered his voice, sounding bashful for the first time since I had known him. “Someone you love, who loves you back.”

  His gaze was piercing, and I heard the question without him saying the words. “Micah?”

  “Yeah.”

  My heart slammed against my ribs, but I gathered my courage and said what I was feeling. “I love you.”

  The smile that took over his face made every ounce of nerves worthwhile, and I felt like I was batting a thousand when he responded. “I love you too, Ben.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  WHEN consciousness started seeping in the next morning, I realized something was different, but I couldn’t place it. Then I felt Micah stirring behind me and what I was feeling became clear—I was happy.

  I had been plagued with some version of anxiety-induced stomach pain for so long that I had forgotten it wasn’t a normal state of being. But now it was gone. And I had slept the whole night through, no tossing and turning, no waking up and forcing myself to close my eyes and try to get a few more hours in, no recording of my failures playing on a loop in my mind. Damn, I felt good.

  “Morning, honey.” Micah’s morning voice was even rougher than his regular speaking voice. Such a turn-on.

  Warm lips pressed gently against the back of my neck, and a warm hand caressed my hip, my waist, and then slid across my ribcage and rubbed lazy circles on my belly. I wiggled back until Micah’s hard cock was firmly wedged between my cheeks and then covered his hand with mine, following his slow petting motion. “Good morning. I like waking up like this. It was one of the things I missed most when we were apart.”

  “Me too,” he whispered. “How’re you doing? Yesterday was a big day for you.”

  I shrugged. “I feel really good, the best I’ve felt in a long time. I know I should be freaking out or something, but I’m really not. I’m just relieved.”

  I felt Micah nod. “Maybe that’s your body’s way of telling you it was time.”

  “Again with the Zen,” I laughed. “But yeah, it was time.” Micah nibbled on my shoulder, and I kept talking. I really enjoyed being able to share my thoughts so openly, and I knew Micah would be a smart, thoughtful sounding board. “I’m still not sure how to handle things at work. My family is most important, and that’s out of the way. Telling my friends will be awkward, but honestly, I haven’t been really close with anyone since I screwed things up with Clark, and we seem to be on the mend now. So whatever happens with my other friends, I’ll be okay with it. But work….”

  Micah kissed the back of my neck again, and his hand brushed over my chest, taking extra time with my nipples. My hand was still on top of his, so I started leading his movements, pushing him down lower. I could feel the erection pressed against my backside growing.

  “I’ll support whatever decision you make.” His fingertips made contact with my cock, and his voice got huskier. “I know that doesn’t solve the problem, but I just want you to know that my feelings for you aren’t contingent on what you do or don’t say at the office.”

  He was right; knowing he would stand by me didn’t solve my dilemma over what to do. But it did make me feel better. I turned my head and gave him a gentle kiss. “Thank you.”

  He nibbled on my lower lip and wrapped his big hand around my cock. As he stroked me, he pushed his dick up and down through the cleft of my ass. I thought about asking him to fuck me, but I didn’t want to lose his body heat when he fumbled for a condom, so I enjoyed the feeling of his body so close to mine, his hand steadily heightening my arousal, and his hot breath against my neck and back.

  “Feel good, honey?” he asked.

  “Uh-huh. Really good,” I replied.

  “That’s all I want, Ben. Just want to make you feel good.”

  His grip tightened, his pace got faster, and s
uddenly I was at the edge of a climax. “Ungh, Micah! So close, just a little harder.” He gave me what I needed, increasing the speed of his strokes and, with it, the speed of his thrusts against my ass.

  I heard him pant, felt his forehead drop between my shoulder blades, and then he gave a couple of hard, desperate pushes. “Right there, honey, I’m right there.”

  That rough, husky voice, that firm grip combined with smooth strokes and the feeling of Micah’s release splashing against my ass and lower back as he called out my name all joined to draw out my orgasm.

  “Oh, yes! So good, Micah,” I moaned as my dick pulsed and coated Micah’s hand with my seed.

  He wiped my cum on the sheet and then flattened his hand on my chest and squeezed me tightly. We lay together quietly as our pulses slowed to a normal rate.

  “Micah?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “What’s your position on condoms?”

  He chuckled. “My position?”

  I threw my elbow back into his ribs. Not hard enough to hurt, but enough to startle him.

  “Ooomph! All right, all right. I’m sorry for being a smart-ass. My position on condoms… umm, other than a couple of stupid alcohol-induced mistakes in my early twenties, I’ve always used them. Safety first and all that.”

  I nodded. It was the answer I had expected. He had always used a condom when we’d had sex. It was clearly a given to him.

  “But,” Micah continued in a quieter voice, “I’ve never been in a really serious relationship, never been in love with the guy I was sleeping with, so if you want us to stop using raincoats, I’m fine with it. As long as we’re both clean and we agree that there are no other guys.”

  I thought about it for a few seconds and then nodded. “I’m not interested in being with other guys. And I’m sure that I’m clean, but I’ll go get tested this week, just to confirm.”