The Fire of Life

by Hilary Wilde

  Back in the Land Rover again, Cary explained something of the problems.

  ' Nature conservation isn't only a case of keeping wild animals alive, but it is an applied scence,' he began, sounding rather pompous, Rayanne thought as she sat meekly, hands folded, as the Land Rover bounced about the bad earth roads. ' We're continually engaged in observation and research. We leave the academic type to research institutes. Soil conservation means the soil must be protected against exposure as well as erosion and must be chemically treated or it may become impoverished. Dead trees and other vegetation should be allowed to rot rather than be burnt. Water, of course, is another problem. The depth and stability . . .' he went on gravely.

  Rayanne listened. At least, she tried to, but she found her thoughts going constantly back to the way Christine Horlock and Cary Jefferson had looked at one another. Were they in love? Perhaps they were without knowing it? Christine Horlock was very beautiful, she also had brains and obviously a deep interest in conservation, so she would make Cary Jefferson a good wife.

  They paused as they came to a big double gate

  that divided the eight-foot-tall wire fence and the African came running to open it, lift his hand in greeting and give a big white-toothed smile as Cary Jefferson spoke to him.

  Why don't you like women visitors?' Rayanne asked as they drove through. She was as startled as he, because she had not meant to ask the question. She felt her cheeks go red. I . . . I couldn't help hearing you in the next room.'

  Cary laughed. Sorry if I sounded inhospitable, but it's happened so often in the past.'

  What's happened?'

  He chuckled. ' Well, females can be a headache, because they complain about the heat, the dust, the water. They also talk of their own home with nostalgic reverence, saying what a beautiful place it is, what a fine social life they lead, how very different from this life: this boring, lonely life.'

  ' It must be boring and lonely for the wife.' Once again, Rayanne leapt to the defence of Samantha Crisp.

  I agree—that's why wardens should be careful before they marry—or cease to be wardens. The trouble is, it's a kind of bug. Getting involved, I mean. You may have heard of a poet called Landor. I don't know if he's well-known, but I always remember a poem I learned at school . . . " I strove with none, for none was worth my strife. Nature I loved, and next to Nature, Art; I warmed both hands before the fire of life. It sinks and I am ready to depart ".' He laughed. You must think I'm mad, but that's how I feel about Nature. It's so amazingly wonderful, so fascinating to study. Do

  you know . .

  As the Land Rover jolted and jerked, going through the well-shrubbed hillocks and sudden little valleys, giving Rayanne glimpses of distant zebras or wildebeest, he talked to her about his work, what he had learned, what he hoped to learn. She listened entranced, for she had never thought of nature conservation in this light before. Finally he paused and sounded apologetic.

  Sorry, I must have bored you to death.'

  Rayanne looked at him gravely. On the contrary, you've given me an entirely new slant on conservation. I'm afraid I had no idea . .

  He glanced down at her. Good. It means so little to a lot of people. What's the sense in keeping these animals alive, they say.'

  Mike Crisp feels as you do.'

  ' I know. I wish Samantha could settle down. That's another reason why I don't welcome female visitors, Ray,' Cary went on, using his abbreviation of her Christian name as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as it would be with some men, yet it had not seemed to her that Cary Jefferson was the type of man to call a girl by her Christian name without first asking permission. He had that rather old-fashioned but very nice courtesy you so seldom saw. But she was glad. Every time he called her Ray, a kind of warmth swept through her body, almost as if he was caressing her.

  ' If she had a baby . . Rayanne said slowly. That would be the answer, of course. I gather

  they want one, but . . .' Cary said slowly.

  ' Do you want children?' Rayanne asked

  abruptly. After all, he had asked her!

  He looked startled. Honestly I don't know.

  Never thought about it. In fact, I doubt if I shall ever marry. I want to be free.'

  Free? But lonely?' Rayanne felt suddenly bleak as if the sun had gone behind a cloud.

  ' Well, yes, maybe as you grow older you need someone around, but I think when you're young and have work you love, that's all you need. I'm talking about men, of course. Women are different.'

  Rayanne looked up. There was a wild canary balanced on a slightly swaying branch, its golden breast so bright, the brown body flecked with gold as he sang sweetly.

  ' What makes you say that? Why do you always say we're different?'

  Because you are.' Cary was driving slowly past a herd of rhinos, but Rayanne was too engrossed in the conversation to pay wild animals much attention. She was amazed at the ease with which she could talk to Cary Jefferson, and the way he was talking to her. Somehow she had not expected it.

  In what way?'

  His powerful hands gripped the steering wheel as he deftly negotiated the Rover from the deep ruts.

  ' In every way. The average woman needs love. A man doesn't. He can sublimate his need by being engrossed in his work. A woman never could. She has this mother streak in her, this protective desire to have someone need her, someone she can be kind to, can . . . well, can make dependent on her. A woman's strength lies in the dependence on her of the man she loves.'

  Rayanne turned sideways, tucking her feet under her. ' I don't understand. You mean a woman has to boss a man before she can feel secure?'

  He smiled. Definitely. Take my mother. She delights in ordering me around, she knows I'm dependent on her.'

  You are?' Rayanne was startled. She would never have thought this great hulk of a man by her side could be a mother's boy.

  He roared with laughter. She thinks I am, bless her. Seriously, though, isn't it true? A woman likes to believe a man needs her, then she's happy.'

  ' I don't like the way you put it,' Rayanne said slowly. You make women sound awful.'

  The Land Rover bumped suddenly and she slid down the seat against Cary.

  ' I'm sorry,' she gasped.

  I'm the one to say that. Afraid the road is bad. Elephants don't help. Look!'

  Rayanne obeyed. Straight ahead, crossing their road, if such it could be called, a herd of elephants walked, swinging their long trunks, placing each foot with deliberate rhythm, ignoring the Land Rover that had slowed up.

  Do they ever attack?' she asked.

  Never. Except when one of them is injured and in pain. Then you reverse like mad and don't stop to argue!'

  The last one of the elephants crossed the road, swinging his trunk, flapping his ears, turning his head slowly to stare at them and then, as if totally disinterested, following the herd.

  Cary started the engine. Where were we? Oh

  yes. Talking about women and men. Obviously I see the way women love men in a different way from you. How would you define a woman's love?'

  Her cheeks felt hot. I . . . well, I don't really know.' Didn't she? she found herself wondering. She went on, speaking her thoughts aloud. ' I'd want to make the man I love happy. I'd study his work so that we could talk about it, that I could share his problems, and understand things better. I'd only want him to be happy. That to me is love.'

  There was a strange silence, only broken by the sudden shrill sound of the cicadas.

  I think that's rather wonderful . . .' Cary said softly, and his hands gripped the steering wheel. Have you ever been in love? You said no, but I think you have.'

  She tensed, afraid he might guess the truth. ' I think . . . I think I have,' she confessed.

  He turned to look at her. I hope the man will be worthy of your love,' he said gently. Ah, there's young Hardwick.'

  A Land Rover came bouncing to meet them with a young shirtless man in it whom Cary introduced and who
grinned cheerfully at Rayanne.

  Nice to see a girl's face. I'm getting awfully tired of hippos and lions,' he joked, winking at his boss.

  Their quiet talking time was over. Cary Jefferson ceased to be the relaxed man and became instead the authoritative, rather pompous boss.

  It was a fascinating day, Rayanne thought, as it

  came near its close. She had met several of the

  wardens and in some cases where they were married, their wives. One or two seemed happy enough, but several were like Samantha.

  See what I mean?' Cary Jefferson said once as they drove away from a nice little well-furnished house. They kept asking you questions about your wonderful life in England. Is it so wonderful?'

  She had hesitated. ' I wouldn't like to generalise. I may be unlucky, but Mine wasn't wonderful.'

  He looked sympathetic. Why ever not?'

  ` Five brothers, all older and brighter than yourself, didn't make life easy. Dad is disappointed in me and Mother . . . well, she just doesn't do anything at all. She just accepts the situation.'

  You can hardly blame that on to England, then.' Cary had sounded amused.

  ` Quite definitely not. Life . . . don't you think this is a purely personal thing? I mean, some people can be happy anywhere—'

  ' And others unhappy anywhere. 'agree. Would you say you are a happy person?' His eyes had been twinkling as he looked down at her.

  Not, not so far.'

  ` Tell me, why have you got this chip on your shoulder? I mean, surely your five brothers can't be the monsters you make them out to be. I'd have thought they'd have spoilt their kid sister.'

  Not my brothers,' she said bitterly.

  ` Know something, Ray?' He had been driving past some emus as he talked and one had decided to chase them, so now Cary was driving fast, glancing over his shoulder and laughing as he spoke, watching the emu with her funny bouncing run follow them.

  I think it's all your fault.'

  My fault ? ' Rayanne had felt the anger rising in her. Just another example of man's bias. Everything was the woman's fault—never, oh, but never, the man's!

  The emu got tired and gave up the chase, so Cary drove more slowly, pointing out the monkeys on the trees, swinging from branch to branch, and the impala racing across the flat background as they heard the sound of the Land Rover's engine.

  ' Yes, yours,' he went on. You've so convinced yourself that you're no good that you're almost scared to open your mouth. Look, Ray, your problem is really simple. You're sensitive and you rise to bait. You're a sitting duck, if I may be corny. You ask to be teased and you rise at once. Anyone told you how much prettier you are when you lose your temper? Maybe that's why we all tease you!'

  She had felt her cheeks burning and anger growing. ' I . . . I . . .' she had begun, and then he slowed up.

  They were close to a small damn and seven giraffes stood by it, calmly surveying the brown welcoming water. They turned their heads gracefully and looked at the Land Rover.

  Their faces are like poker faces, aren't they?' Cary was saying. He had slid along the seat close to her. She could feel his breath on her cheek. She wanted to yet dared not turn her face, for his mouth would be near hers and . .

  She shivered. It couldn't be true. You didn't fall in love like this. It must be the change of climate, the altitude—there must be a reason, she

  thought unhappily. Stiffening, she stared at the

  giraffes and Cary went on talking softly in her ear.

  Amazing how bored and blasé they look, as if the arrogant creatures can find nothing of amusement or interest. Look,- ever seen a giraffe drink water? It's a wonderful exhibition of adapting oneself despite handicaps. Just see the way he widens his legs and finally can get his mouth into the water.'

  They watched in silence as the giraffe slowly and with great dignity moved his legs apart. He drank without haste while the other giraffes looked at him thoughtfully. A group of zebras had come to join them and were drinking fast.

  The zebras feel safe,' Cary whispered, his breath even more warm on Rayanne's cheek. You'll usually find them drinking water near the tall quick-running giraffes. Can you see those guinea-fowl over there? Look up at that baobab tree just above the dam. See it? Well, that tree could be called a game reserve in itself.

  Up in the crown of its foliage you'll find everything—birds, snakes, monkeys, baboons and bats. Most important of all, the guinea-fowl. They're like deer. They know when danger is near and their metallic cackling warns everyone. Isn't nature interesting with its protective measures?'

  ' Very,' Rayanne had whispered. Oh, was this love? This ache to be in someone's arms? This longing to touch his cheek, to look in his' eyes? Yet it was so absurd. Why, she didn't really know him.

  Later they had driven past a pair of proud ostriches. Mother and father-walked along with stately pride while, racing ahead of them, like small

  children, were twelve baby ostriches.

  ' We're pleased with that lot,' Cary said as they watched the adult ostriches look at the Land Rover anxiously and obviously accept it as not dangerous. ' Ostriches are excellent parents. That reminds me, Ray. I know you haven't had time yet to work out what you'll write for your thesis, but might I suggest you consider concentrating on a certain phase of animal life? Gestation and parenthood, for instance. Of course you know that a kangaroo's baby is only an inch long? Hard to believe, isn't it? Maybe you should have gone to Australia—not only could you have studied kangaroos, but found yourself a rich husband.'

  The anger had stirred inside her, but she controlled it. He was teasing. So she smiled sweetly at him. Maybe I should have,' she said, and saw by the twinkle in his eyes that he had watched with amusement her battle with her temper. One win to her, she had thought. Actually, thanks for the suggestion. If I remember rightly, elephants don't reach puberty for ten years and gestation is twenty-two months. It's an awful long time for the poor cow to be pregnant.'

  They seem to accept it. The calf is dependent on the cow for two years, and when he's weaned, he goes off with the bull. Rather interesting, that. Pity mankind doesn't follow the elephant's example.'

  They had both laughed. It had been a lovely moment of togetherness, Rayanne remembered later that day.

  I wonder what the mother would have to say,' she had said.

  In this day and age, talking about liberation and all that tripe, they might welcome it.'

  ' All that tripe?' Rayanne had repeated slowly, as she felt angry. What right had he to dismiss . . . ? ' Look, why shouldn't a woman be treated as an equal of man?'

  Because she isn't.' He chuckled. All right,

  all right! She's as tough as a man, as intelligent as a man, but can't you stupid idiots see that as you are, you have far more control of us unfortunate males than you ever would if you were equal? What an idiotic word that is ! Tell me, what do you want in this equality business?'

  The same wages, the same opportunities, the same respect . .

  Hey, look ! That should interest you,' Cary had said, abruptly changing his voice, grabbing her arms as he slowed up the Land Rover and pointed at two warthogs who were running down the road ahead of them, having just, dived out from under the bushes. They kept turning their heads anxiously, but never seemed to think of leaving the road. Look at their stiff little tails,' Cary said, laughing. ' Aren't they amusing?'

  The interruption seemed to have closed their conversation, much to Rayanne's relief, and after a sandwich lunch with one of the bachelor wardens they went for an even longer drive round the Reserve during which she saw the lions sleeping while the lionesses prowled around, and she saw the hippos in deep water, and the blue wildebeest gathering at the drinking places.

  See what a pattern of protective orderliness there

  is,' Cary had said. Look how the young animals place themselves between the older ones. See . . . some of them drink while others keep watch and the way they sniff the air. They can smell danger.'

 
Finally he drove her back to the Crisps' house.

  ' I hope you're not too tired,' he said politely as he walked round to her side of the Land Rover. He had to help her out, much to her annoyance, but, sitting on her feet, she had got caught up with a slit in the seat cover.

  His voice had changed again. Gone was the relaxed friendly voice. Now he was Mr Jefferson, owner and boss of the Reserve.

  No, I'm fine. Thanks,' she said, embarrassed as he half-lifted her down. Thanks for showing me everything. It was most interesting.'

  Good. I'll send you round a Land Rover in the morning and a Ranger. Then you can go and look for yourself. You brought your camera, of course . . . ?' He saw the hesitation in her face, for, though she had brought a camera, it was only a small one. Let me know if you need one. We have plenty available. Goodbye.' He shook her hand solemnly, lifted his hand in greeting to Samantha Crisp, who was standing on the stoep and drove away.

  Samantha smiled. Well?' she asked. Bored to tears?'

  Actually,' Rayanne admitted, it was much more interesting than I expected it to be.'

  That's only because he told you about it all,' Samantha said, and laughed, clapping her hands as she watched Rayanne blush. Don't tell me you've

  fallen for him, too. Oh me, oh my . . . we poor women! Don't dream, Rayanne . . . there isn't a hope.'

  ' I'm not dreaming,' Rayanne said stiffly, but knew her red cheeks might have given away her secret. Actually it's simply that he's very good-looking, attractive and interesting to talk to. I've never met a man like him before.'

  And never will again,' Samantha prophesied. ' Better have a bath, if you can bear that ghastly brown water, and then come up for a drink. You must be caked with dust.'

  I must look a sight,' Rayanne admitted, laughing ruefully. By the way, I met Sister Macintyre and Miss Horlock.'