Forever, My Homeland: The Final Book in the All My Love, Detrick Series

by Roberta Kagan

  “Oh, Elan, I really am so sorry…”

  He nodded and shrugged his shoulders. What was there to say? He’d lost his wife, his best friend, and now the first woman he’d ever loved was gazing at him with pity in her eyes. Elan Amsel hated to be pitied. It made him feel weak. There was nothing worse to him than to look weak in the eyes of others, especially women and even more devastating, the woman he had once loved.

  The lights in the small auditorium began to flicker. A woman’s voice came over the loudspeaker.

  “Ladies and gentleman, please take your seats. The dress rehearsal is about to start!”

  All the parents began saying their goodbyes and shuffling into the auditorium.

  “I guess I’d better go…” Elan said.

  “Yes… The show will start in just a few minutes.”

  “Good to see you, Kat.”

  “Yes…good to see you too, Elan.

  ***

  During the show, Elan was distracted by memories. Noa would glance out into the audience to catch her father’s eye. Elan would smile back at her with encouragement, but he could not overcome the emptiness he felt deep within his belly. What was it about Katja?

  Perhaps it was best to go back into the auditorium and hide in the dark, in the back row until he could figure out what he wanted to do. But then, when he saw her again, all of the feelings he’d once had returned as if they’d never left him.

  Noa was ranting with excitement, telling Mrs. Finkelstein all about her show. Elan was doing the best he could to appear involved, but his heart and mind were elsewhere.

  It was a relief when Noa finally went to bed, and Elan didn’t have to hide his distress. He took a hot shower, hoping it would relax him enough to fall asleep. Finally, he lay down and stared at the ceiling.

  A glimmer of light from the silver moon filtered in through the window. His mind was on overdrive, and he couldn’t slow it down. He remembered Nina’s soft, flowing hair, the way she would shake her head and laugh at him. She was the most like him of any woman he’d ever known. Without question, he’d loved her. But Nina was gone, and nothing he could do would change that.

  Elan was terribly lonely. His memories of Katja reminded him of just how alone he was. She might be the only woman left on earth that could still make him believe that loving was worth the price of the pain of losing a loved one. Lying in bed only made him feel clammy and restless. It was better to get up and sit in the living room.

  Staring out the window at the shadows the bushes and palm trees cast upon the ground, Elan managed to drink enough bourbon to fall asleep in the chair.

  Then as he slept, Nina came to him in a dream. It was not unusual for him to have dreams about Nina that were so real that when he awoke, he would have tears in his eyes, wishing he could sleep forever. In his dreams, he could feel her hand on his face, her soft voice in his ear and his longing to be with her would overwhelm him.

  But tonight, when Nina came in his sleep, Elan told her about seeing Katja. She said that she understood his feelings, and told him that she knew he needed someone in his life. Nina said that it hurt her to see him so alone. “You should be with someone, Elan…it would be good for you. You may not realize it, but it would be good for Noa, too. Think about it.

  She needs a female role model, not just Mrs. Finkelstein, but a younger woman who will more easily understand what it is like to be a young girl growing up. After all, as you know, the years pass quickly. Before you know it, Noa will be a teenager. If you want my opinion, I think you should ask Katja to have dinner with you… Maybe there is something left of what you once had together, to salvage.”

  “Nina, you know that you have my heart. But you’re right, Katja still has a piece of my heart, too. I think that once you love someone, there is a part of you that will always love them. Not that she could ever take your place, nobody could ever take your place.”

  “Yes, Elan, it’s true, once you love someone there is always something that you will share with them, but you’ve been mourning me for too long. It’s time…”

  “Nina, Nina…” he said.

  “It’s time, Elan. It’s time for you, and it’s time for Noa…”

  So the following day, when Noa went backstage to prepare for her performance, Elan asked the woman at the ticket counter if she knew where Katja was.

  “Yes, she’s probably in the back helping the students get ready. Do you need to see her?”

  “I do, can you ask her to come out, please? I will only need a moment of her time.”

  “All right. Wait here.”

  Katja came out from the back of the stage. Her lovely cream-colored skin was flushed to a soft, blush-pink and her eyes were bright with the excitement that was so contagious from all of the performing students.

  “Katja…” Elan said, smiling. His palms were sweating. She might reject him.

  “It’s you? Mara said someone wanted to talk to me,” Katja said, smiling. “What can I do for you, Elan?”

  “Yes, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.” He suddenly felt foolish. “But I was not thinking. I can see that you’re busy. This is probably a bad time.”

  “No, it’s fine. What is it, Elan?”

  “I feel so strange asking you this, Kat, but will you have dinner with me?”

  The papers she was holding in her hand dropped to the floor. She bent to pick them up. Elan could see that her hands were trembling. He bent to help her. “I can’t tonight. There will be so much to do after the show is over,” she said. Katja wasn’t sure what she felt or what she wanted. What to do…buy time, buy time…time to think. She wanted to ask him a million questions, but she said nothing.

  “Tomorrow, then?” He cleared his throat and bit his lower lip. “Please? Tomorrow night?”

  “Okay…yes, okay—tomorrow.”

  CHAPTER 15

  The following day, Elan couldn’t eat anything at all. He went into work, but his mind was miles away, continuously going over the possible conversations that might take place tonight. Tonight, at dinner, he would tell Katja everything he felt, and all of his regrets.

  It would not be easy to admit being wrong. He had never been good at acknowledging his imperfections. But life had certainly proven to him that he wasn’t as invincible as he’d thought he was when he was young. Over the years, Elan had made so many terrible mistakes: he’d hurt so many people. He’d been selfish, stubborn, and self-righteous. He’d never believed that he needed anyone but himself.

  But he thought God must have been laughing because God intervened and sent Nina into his life. That was when he truly learned what it meant to love. That love made him tender, vulnerable and the pain of losing Nina had brought him to his knees. It hurt more than anything he’d ever felt. Even so, he would not trade a single moment of the time that he’d spent with Nina. All of the pain was worth the incredible joy.

  Yes, Elan Amsel was a much different man than the arrogant boy who’d turned his back on Katja right before their wedding because she wasn’t born of Jewish blood. Life had kicked him in the stomach, and he’d learned just how defenseless he really was against the will of God.

  Perhaps he and Katja still had a chance at a future together, Elan thought. When Nina died, he’d lost all sexual desire until he saw Katja again. Amazingly, even after all the years that had passed, Kat was still so beautiful. Even though he’d left her, she’d always kept a special place in his heart. Could it be possible? Could Elan have another chance at happiness?

  Katja had always been so forgiving, so easy going, and a good and kind person. She would be a good wife and a wonderful mother to Noa. When he thought of Katja, he couldn’t help but remember how she was always willing to give of herself. He wasn’t surprised that she was at the forefront of developing the charitable organization of The Wives of Fallen Soldiers. It would be like her, to extend a hand to help others who suffered in the same way that she did when she lost Mendel.

  He planned to pick Katja up at eight
that night. Hoping to rekindle tender feelings from the past, Elan made a reservation at the restaurant where they went to dinner the first time they went out together back in the nineteen-sixties. It was surprising that the place was still open. When he called to make the reservation, he requested the same table that they’d shared so many years ago.

  On his way home from work that night, Elan picked up a dozen roses for Katja. He’d given her roses when they first met, but he couldn’t remember the color. The florist had a choice of pink or yellow. He decided on pink. Then, he went home and got ready. He informed Mrs. Finkelstein that he would not be home until late.

  As always, she assured him that she would take care of everything. Noa would have a healthy dinner, do her homework, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. Before Elan left the house, he looked in the mirror. Not bad for a man of fifty-three, he thought. His body was still in good shape, even if his hair was almost all gray. At least it hadn’t thinned. Elan’s face was still handsome, his jaw still strong, and his ebony eyes still piercing. Satisfied with his appearance, Elan took the bouquet of flowers off the counter and left to pick up Katja.

  CHAPTER 16

  Katja told Zofia that she was having dinner with Elan. Zofia didn’t say a word. She just cocked her head and looked at her daughter with that knowing look, that only a mother who knew her child very well could deliver. That look that made Katja think twice about what she was doing. Then Zofia, without saying a word went into her bedroom. Katja knew that her mother was tired and would probably take a nap.

  Flinging the white French doors of her closet open wide, Katja studied her clothing choices for the night. She didn’t want Elan to think that she’d made a great effort to see him. She wanted to appear casual. But still, she wanted to look her best. So what should she wear? A dress, even a sundress was too much. She would wear black jeans, with a blue cotton sweater that matched her eyes.

  Earlier that day, Katja had made an emergency appointment with her hairdresser where she had her hair blown out and then curled at the ends. It looked perfect. She carefully applied a light, natural-looking makeup and then slipped into her pumps with the small heels. High heels would have looked like she’d tried too hard.

  The full-length mirror on the back of the door to Katja’s bedroom confirmed that she looked good. She bit her lower lip. Elan Amsel—he’d haunted her for her entire life. She had never stopped loving him. Not even through the years of her marriage to Mendel, not ever. What was it about him? His crazy good looks? His passion? His arrogance? Damn him.

  The doorbell rang. No matter where he went, Elan was always on time. Katja remembered that from long ago when they were a couple.

  Before she could face him, Katja took a deep breath. Then she picked up her purse and went to she put her small cosmetic bag inside. When she did, she noticed John’s card. It was in the center pocket where she always kept her cosmetic bag. A strange feeling she could not explain or understand came over her. John? It would be good to talk to John about all of this. What was she feeling? But right now there was no time to assess her emotions. Elan knocked again. He was at the door.

  With a trembling hand, Katja turned the knob and opened the door.

  Elan stood there, smiling. His dark eyes twinkled, and his perfectly white teeth sparkled. Damn him. Elan Amsel— arrogant, Elan Amsel. He knew he was handsome. There was no doubt about that.

  When Elan handed the bouquet of pink roses to Katja, the gesture touched her deeply. It brought back memories, so many memories, both good and bad.

  “Oh, Elan...thank you.” She turned and took a vase off the shelf, then filled it with water and put the flowers in the vase.

  He smiled, and his eyes roamed her body from the top of her head to her feet. She saw the admiration in his face. “You look beautiful.”

  She turned away; she knew her cheeks were flushed.

  “Come,” he said, taking her arm. “Let’s go and have dinner.”

  ***

  Katja had not been to the restaurant where Elan had taken her for a little over twenty years. The last time she was here was a night when she and Elan were a couple, and they were dining here together. In fact, she could remember clearly, that it was only a week before that terrible day when Manfred Blau was arrested after his escape from prison in Germany and brought back to Israel for trial. It was the day that Katja’s life had changed forever.

  Katja and Elan were expecting company for dinner. She’d been in the kitchen preparing food while Elan was still at work. The television in the living room had been on. She’d been half-listening to the news, of Manfred Blau, the SS officer’s trial. Blau, who was being interviewed on TV, mentioned his betrayal by Zofia at the Nuremberg trials and about his wife’s death shortly after the trial due to cancer. He told how he and his wife adopted a Lebensborn child, and they named her Katja, but how he didn’t know what had become of her after his trial.

  Katja heard his words and ran into the living room to turn the volume up to be sure she’d not been mistaken. She had not. From that moment on Katja’s life had never been the same. Katja was not the daughter of Zofia and Isaac Zuckerman. She was the child of Nazis.

  Zofia confirmed to her it was true, and showed her the Lebensborn papers that Blau’s wife Christa had given her when she bade her to take her away. Katja knew she had to tell Elan. Though it has been on television, it was unlikely anyone would make the connection. But they might, and she had to come clean with Elan or she would live with that specter over her head forever.

  When Elan learned the truth about Katja, he’d walked away from her as if their love had never existed, leaving her a broken woman.

  Now, she sat across from the man who remained fused into the cracks he’d made in her heart so long ago. How could he still be so good looking at his age, still so confident, so damned sexy? He was still Elan. Why had she agreed to have dinner with him? The memories were attacking her mind like swords.

  The waitress strolled over to the table, trying not to look overeager to take their order. Although she held the menu open in front of her, Katja had not read a word.

  “Can I take your order?” the young girl asked, as she held a pencil and pad in her hand.

  “I’m sorry… I’m not ready. Can I have another minute? Please.”

  “Of course. I’ll be back.”

  “Didn’t you always like the shawarma here?” Elan asked.

  How could he remember that when she did not even remember? Elan. Damn you, Elan.

  “Yes. The shawarma. That sounds great.”

  “And we’ll have some pita and hummus. What do you think?” he asked.

  “Sure. Yes. Hummus sounds good.” She could hardly concentrate. Did she still love him after all these years, after everything she’d been through, everything he’d done to her, and how he’d hurt her? Was that possible?

  Elan placed the order, and then looked at Katja and smiled.

  “So tell me, Kat, how are you? How have you been?” His voice was warm and deep with sincerity.

  “I’ve been doing very well,” she stammered. “My daughter just left two days ago. She was on leave from the IDF. The years pass so quickly, don’t they? I can’t believe she’s all grown up.”

  “Yes, they certainly do. I remember when you were in the IDF, and I came to see you. Do you still remember that?”

  “Of course, Elan. How could I ever forget?” Katja felt awkward. The memories were twisting her heart, and she felt like she might cry. “The army has been good for my daughter,” she said, trying to change the subject.

  “And you? Did you marry again after Mendel?”

  “No, Elan. I never got married again after Mendel. I’ve devoted my time to building this organization for wives of fallen soldiers. I guess you could say it’s given my life purpose.”

  He smiled at her. “I understand. I was married to Noa’s mother, but she passed away. And well, I never thought I could be married to anyone again.”

  “I am truly s
orry about your wife.”

  “Yes, so am I…she was a wonderful woman.”

  “Noa is a sweet little girl, so I am sure her mother was a lovely person.”

  “Katja… You know, you’re even more beautiful than you were twenty years ago.”

  She looked down at the tablecloth, as she ran her fingers over her silverware.

  “What do you want from me, Elan? Why did you ask me to come here with you?”

  “Kat.” He touched her hand.

  She thought about pulling away she was so emotionally confused, but his touch still sent electric shocks of desire through her. Damn him.

  “I’ve missed you. It’s hard for me to say this, very hard. I tried to tell you all these things once before, but my timing was terrible. It was right after Mendel was killed, but I don’t think you were listening. Perhaps, maybe you do remember?”

  She had no idea what he was talking about. She just shook her head. “I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me, Elan. I was in terrible shape after Mendel died. I had no idea how I was going to live without him.”

  “I tried to tell you all those years ago at Mendel’s Shiva, and I want to say it again right now: I made a mistake when I broke our engagement. I was young, Kat. I was foolish. I loved you, but I couldn’t cope with all of the pressure that I knew would be a part of marrying you because of your birth parents. I’ve realized now that I was so wrong. Can you forgive me?”

  The food arrived. The smell of grilled chicken wafted through the air.

  “Everything here is the same. Look, the chicken is cooked perfectly, just the way you like it, brown and crispy on the outside and sweet and moist on the inside.” Elan smiled at her.

  Katja returned his smile with a nervous smile of her own. Then she moved the salad and chicken around on her plate. Even now, she remembered how good the food was at this small café where she and Elan shared so many memories. But sitting across from him and reflecting, she’d lost her appetite. The candle on the table flickered, and it caught her eye. It was at that moment that she had a realization.