“I wondered what happened to it. I think after the accident she just assumed it got thrown away and ruined. Why didn’t you tell anybody? I’m sure she would want to know it still exists.”
“She was in no condition to worry about that. Honestly, I forgot about it until the cleaners called me to pick it up. It’s been sitting in my closet this whole time. I just never knew when I’d see her, or if she even wanted to see it again. I know if my mother made me something like that, I’d never want to lose it. I’d keep it forever knowing that a piece of her was at my wedding.”
“You’re a damn saint. You’re whole family is the nicest group of people I’ve ever met. I’m glad you found Conner. It’s a shame you ever had to be involved with Rick.” I felt horrible admitting that his blood ran through me. I wasn’t anything like that man.
“Jessie, you will never be like that man. I’ve seen you with Heather and Jacob. They adore you. Rick was a bad man. He never cared about anyone but himself. What kind of man abandons their kids and beats their wives?”
“A terrible one.” I had to change the subject because talking about him made my blood boil. Even though I felt embarrassed to ask, I did it anyway. “So, I’ll pay your step-mother to fix the dress, if you think it will work. Heather doesn’t think so, but I need to show her that I’m not with her because I feel sorry for her. I’m with her because it’s where I want to be.”
“You get your plan in order. The dress isn’t going to do the talking for you. Leave the dress to me. We have your number and will call when it’s ready. Maybe you could plan something special when you give it to her.” Amy smiled and turned me around to see my fresh haircut. Just like before, it looked great.
“Thanks!”
“No charge. Go learn how to express your feelings. I hate to see kids bouncing back and forth between parents. It breaks my heart.”
I started to walk away, but turned around and approached her. “One more favor. If you could not mention that we talked, it would be great.”
She motioned like she was sealing her lips and tossing away the key. “We never talked!”
On my way back from seeing Amy, I felt hopeful. Still, I didn’t know how to be around Heather until I had everything in order. This was going to be my last chance at winning her back. We were both tired of the back and forth. The problem was that I didn’t want her walking away, I wanted her with me.
There were several things that I had to do to ensure that I could convince her. I was going to have to tell my parents and get their blessing. Even without it, I knew my choice, but it would make things easier for Heather if they were all on board. I needed to make some financial decisions. In the meantime, I was risking losing Heather to this new life she was trying to start. While I was struggling to save our relationship, she may just fall in love with her new life and not want anything I had to offer her. The two weeks that Amy had asked me to wait may just end things for good.
I was petrified of that outcome.
I didn’t want to have visitation and custody rights for our son.
He shouldn’t have to live in two separate states.
I didn’t want to be without him and neither did Heather, which meant it would come to be a huge battle. For the sake of everything that I loved, I prayed that this plan of Amy’s was going to work. If loves wasn’t enough, I didn’t know what else to give Heather to prove my devotion to her.
I may be playing a game that had no winner.
This could be devastating.
Chapter 29
Heather
I should have known that each time Jessie left to go home that it was going to harder. Jacob thought I just had to keep working on my mother’s house. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that everything was about to change. I think somewhere in my mind, I was praying that it wouldn’t come to that, although I knew Jessie wasn’t going to budge.
Jessie had decided to leave a day early, claiming that he had something to do. Since it was no longer my business, I didn’t ask him what it was.
After getting Jacob buckled in, he came over and pinned me against the car. His lips were on mine before I could argue with him. He stared deeply into my eyes. “I’ll miss you this week.”
I swallowed the knot in my throat. “It will get easier.”
“I don’t want it to get easier. I want to think about you every day. I want to think about how your skin feels against my lips. I want to think about the way you smile when you first wake up.” He kissed me softly again while holding both sides of my face.
I closed my eyes and tried not to focus on his seduction. That’s all it was. Jessie wasn’t in it for the long term, he was in it for the fun. “So I’ll see you next weekend?” I was already choking back the tears.
Finally he pushed away and started to get in the car. “Yeah, I guess I’ll see you then. If staying with you will be too much, I can ask my sister.”
I leaned into the car window after he closed the door. “I have plenty of room.”
He pecked me on the cheek before I could pull away. “I’ll call when we get home.”
Before the tires hit the pavement, I was already crying. I felt like the bad guy for trying to move forward. Why couldn’t Jesse just communicate with me? How come he had to be so indecisive. We could have been a family forever.
I wished there was someone to guide me through my heartache. No matter how much I loved Jessie, it would never change the fact that I would never be what he wanted. To him, I’d always be that girl that corrupted his perfect life.
It hurt me more being with him and knowing that than not being with him at all.
My mother’s dying wish was for me to be happy and secure with my self. The only way that I would ever be able to do that was if I started over. I knew that moving back to town wasn’t ideal, but without any money, it was my only option. The biggest hardship I was going to have was fighting Jessie for custody of Jacob. Because we lived hours away, we wouldn’t be able to share him like we always had when we were apart. Millions of family’s made it work everyday, so I was hopeful that we could do the same.
Hopefully, after time, I’d be able to afford a place closer to Jessie so that we could go back to our original agreement. I was aware that the time in between was going to cause major issues with him. Aside from our relationship problems, Jacob was his father’s whole world. Being without his son wasn’t going to go well at all. If his parent’s got involved, I was up for the fight of my life.
Three hours after they pulled out of the driveway Jessie was calling me. I was still in tears from being so messed up over things, but I tried to disguise it with my voice.
Hello?
Hey, I just want you to know we’re home safe.
Jess, please don’t hang up yet.
I don’t have anything to say to you, Heather. This shit is breaking my damn heart. You expect me to just let you walk away with my son. You’re kidding yourself if you think that’s going to happen.
It’s not like that and you know it. Don’t you think that after all that I’ve been through, I deserve to be happy?
I tried to make you happy. This shit is all in your head. I just drove for three hours and I’m tired. Can we just not do this tonight?
I’m not doing this because I don’t love you anymore. I think I’m always going to love you, Jess.
Baby, you don’t know what love is if you think that walking away is going solve all of your problems.
The phone went dead before I could say anything else. If I was making the right decision, why did it feel like my life was ending?
I fell to the floor begging God to give me a sign, showing me where I needed to be. I begged him to guide me to my future and give me the strength to get there in one piece. I begged him to forgive me for all of sins against myself and others.
It was at that pivotal moment when I begged him to save my life and grant me a second chance. I’d given up doing things on my own, only to fail in the end. If someone didn’t help
me, I was afraid I would fail again.
The phone rang again startling me. This time, I didn’t hide my tears.
Hello?
Why are you doing this?
I just want to new start, Jess. I’m so tired of being judged by everyone around me. For once I just wanted to be someone else. I want a new start.
Have you considered what Jacob wants? Do you know how hard it is to tell him everything is going to be okay?
I think about him every second.
Maybe you should ask him. I can tell you that for the last few hours all he’s talked about is you coming home. How do you think he’s going to feel when he finds out that you’re not planning on ever coming back?
I’ll deal with that. He’s a little boy. Don’t you think it’s important for me to get my life straight? I can’t be a good mother if I’m all messed up.
You’re messed up because inside that little head of yours, you know you’re doing the wrong thing. I don’t get why you’re doing this. Haven’t I proved to you that I want you in my life?
Jessie, you took me in because I didn’t have any place to go. I know you believe that this is what you want, but it’s a decision that was made at a desperate time. I know you care deeply for me, and you thought that I was going to die. You probably got scared about raising our son all by yourself. This isn’t the same as wanting to be with me for no reason at all. That’s the kind of love I’m searching for. It’s the kind of person that I want to be. I can’t undo all of the wrongs that I’ve caused, but I can start over and be a better person. I can’t keep hoping for things to change. I need to make them change.
What do I have to do to convince you that you’re wrong?
I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. My heart is broken and this is tearing me apart inside, but I know it won’t always feel this way. I have to believe that we will both be happy eventually. For now, I need to get my life in order.
I’m not just going to let you go without a fight.
I wish you would, Jess. What you’re doing right now is hurting me even more. Please let me do this. I promise you’ll be happy that I did.
Heather, you’re wrong.
Goodnight, Jess.
It was a good thing that I was already sitting on the living room floor, because I don’t think my legs would have held me up as I broke down again. My phone fell to the floor and I wept. More than anything, I wanted to be with my family. How could he imply that I wasn’t thinking of them?
Did he understand that I wanted more than to be with someone because they felt sorry for me?
The more I tried to calm down, the harder it was to rationalize with myself. As I grew older I started to wonder things in life. One thing I always stumbled upon was the question if things happen for a reason. If everything in my life had been for a reason; perhaps some kind of test, was I on the right path? Was being with my family something I was just going to have to stick out? What would happen to my mother’s house; the house she raised me and my brother in, through good times and bad? How could I walk away from all that I had left of them?
It was as if I was being torn in two. I wanted to make the right choices so that I could be a better person, a loyal mother and a loving person to whoever would want me in that way. I wasn’t desperate, but finding happiness was always the goal.
After turning off all of the lights in the house, I retreated to my mother’s room. When I walked in, I realized that it was the last place that Jessie had slept. The covers were still pulled down on one side. I crawled in, exactly where he laid his head the night before. The pillow acted as my best friend while I hugged it and wailed some more.
There were so many reasons that I should be with Jessie and so many reason that I should walk away.
I was completely confused.
Finally, I sat up, turned on the light and looked around the room. My mother still had clothes hanging on the back of her closet door, preventing it from closing. I climbed out of bed and walked over to it.
As I opened the door, I noticed that all of her favorite outfits were neatly hung and color coordinated. On the top there was a shelf and a few boxes. One box was labeled Heather.
My heart started beating profusely out of my chest as I reached up and grabbed the box. Since my mother had meticulously labeled everything else in the house, I couldn’t believe that I had missed this. Although, her room was going to be the last room that I cleaned out. I still couldn’t handle getting rid of her things. Each item was so precious to me and still a big piece of her.
When I had the box in my hands, I took it over to the bed and sat down. After taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down, I opened the lid.
It was full of pictures and trinkets from places that we’d gone together. She had movie stubs and little items that she got when we went places. She had pictures of me growing up and lastly she had a white envelope with my name on it.
My hands were shaking as I opened it up to read it.
Dear Heather:
If you’re reading this, I’ve passed on and am no longer suffering, so please don’t be sad. I put up a good fight and enjoyed all of the years that I had being your mother. I’m not really sure which letter you’re going to find first. If you haven’t been up to the attic, there is something special up there just for you.
I put this box together of all the special places we went together. I hope you can enjoy these memories and think of me in a time where I wasn’t sick. Being your mother was always what kept me going.
I don’t know if you’ve spoken to the lawyers, but there was something that I didn’t include for him to know. In this box is a key to the First National Bank and Trust of North Carolina. I need you to take this key with a copy of my death certificate. They know you’re coming.
You see, I had to take out money to pay to help your brother, but I knew all along that I had something special to give to you. Inside that safe deposit box is your future Heather. Don’t be frugal with it. Take care of Noah and your family.
No matter where you go, or what you’re doing, I’ll always be there with you.
You are my most special little blessing. There was never a day that I didn’t love you completely. Be kind to yourself.
Love you always,
Mom
My hands were so shaky that I almost couldn’t finish reading. For months I’d worried about what I was going to do. Whatever was in that box could solve all of those problems.
I had to get to that box.
Chapter 30
Jessie
How could I sleep knowing she was doing this to me? There was no way that I was going to be able to wait a couple weeks for whatever Amy had planned. I needed answers now!
I’d never asked Heather for anything or forced her to do anything she didn’t want to do. As far as boyfriends went, I thought I was pretty good at treating her right. After her accident I had put everything behind us. Seeing her there, so close to death changed something in me. I no longer cared about where she came from or how she ended up at my doorstep. All I wanted to do was have her in my arms.
For obvious reasons, I didn’t talk about things that upset her, but always listened when she had something to say. This was all just making no sense. Sure, before her accident, maybe I had said some things pertaining to her being a pity fuck. Perhaps that’s where she got the idea that I was just feeling sorry for her.
She couldn’t be more wrong about it.
After I’d gotten Jacob off to school, I decided to go and talk to my parents. They needed to know about my decisions since some of them directly involved my future at the bed and breakfast. As much as I appreciated that they’d brought me up, sent me to college, and given me a business, I needed to think about my boy and what was best for him.
Only seeing him on weekends wasn’t an option.
In the beginning, before they knew why she’d come, my parents liked Heather. They thought she was smart and beautiful. It wasn’t until the truth came out t
hat they changed their minds and decided that I needed to get as far away from her as physically possible.
The problem with that was she was pregnant. As angry and hurt as I was, I knew that I was obligated to be responsible. I think all along I knew that I still loved Heather. In a way it was as if I was fighting myself. No matter who I dated or where I went, no woman compared to her. It wasn’t just sexually either, I actually enjoyed her company. I liked knowing she was safe with me and with Jacob.
My mother was surprised to see me walk into their kitchen. “Jessie, what brings you here today?”
“I need to talk to you and Dad. Is he around?”
“He’s playing golf with Franklin. Is there an emergency?” Right away she seemed concerned.
I sat down across from her at the little round table. “It’s about Heather.”
She rolled her eyes. “What now?”
I rubbed my face and tried not to get too frustrated with her. She was just looking out for me. “I can already tell that you’re not going to be happy, but she hasn’t done anything bad, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“Well, I never know what to expect when it comes to that girl. The only thing she does well is be a mother. I’ll give her that.” It was a start. I’d take it.
“Ever since her mother died she’s been having trouble letting go. As much as she wants to move on, she’s struggling with it. After she lost her position at the hospital and her license, she changed.”
“So, your splitting up again? I knew it was bound to happen.” My mother always assumed that she knew what I was thinking.
I placed my hands down flat on the table. “Mother, please just listen to me. I didn’t end things with Heather. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m going to ask her to marry me.”
Her mouth dropped. She covered her face with her hands. “And you’re here for my blessing?”
“Not just your blessing.” I hesitated, knowing she wasn’t going to like what I said to her next. “I’m thinking about moving to North Carolina. Maybe not permanently, but for a while.”
Losing Him (Mitchell Family Series Book 8) Page 17
