Snow in Love

by Claire Ray

Normally my bedroom was a cozy sanctuary. Our house was a three-floor cabin, and my room was on the very top floor. The ceiling sloped down on one side and met the wall at about five and a half feet. This was where Dad built me a desk and a matching bookcase. Most of the walls were made of wood, but there was one wall painted peach, and I had hung jewelry and posters and pictures of several national parks on it. I had a rocking chair and a beanbag chair and a big queen-sized bed. It was a room to be proud of. Erin’s room was half this big, and Abby had to share with her little sister. This was why they spent most of their free time here, unless we were at Snow Cones pigging out on ice cream or at the resort trying to stay out of Mean Agnes’s line of vision.

  Right now I felt anything but cozy. I rolled over onto my stomach and reached for my laptop, which was on the floor. I hit the MUTE button quickly to stop the caterwaul of despair, and then picked up the computer, rolled back over, and balanced it on my lap.

  Breathing deeply, I opened up my Jake file. There were pictures of our trip to Denali, pictures of our many ski adventures, pictures of us riding on the back of Mr. Winter’s dogsled. My favorite, which I’d printed out and put in a frame on my nightstand, was of the two of us standing at the top of Mount Crow. We’d spent the day hiking around, and just as the sun began to set, he’d asked a passerby to take our picture. Behind our smiling, laughing faces was a sky full of bright orange and pink prettiness. Jake’s arm was around me and his head was bent toward mine so that the tips of our hats were touching.

  I don’t know what possessed me, but I suddenly leaped from my bed. My laptop fell crashing to the floor. I ran to my closet and flung the door open, surveying the clothes within. There were racks of flannel shirts and thick wool sweaters beside corduroy pants in every color imaginable. I thought about Sabrina and what her closet probably looked like. There was likely no flannel in it. I bet Evie didn’t even own flannel.

  Well, I couldn’t transform myself into a fashion icon. There was no time. I pulled down a soft baby blue cashmere sweater my father had bought me in Seattle, and then searched for the newest, darkest, cleanest jeans I could find. Then I went to my mom’s closet and searched for the pair of black boots that she told me I could never wear because they were unseemly for a teenage girl. I shoved the boots into a backpack, hoping that they would retain their shape. I brushed my hair until it shone, and then plugged in my curling iron and worked on it until there were wavy pieces framing my face. I put on lip gloss and some mascara and a pair of earrings I never wore because they pulled on my ears and kind of hurt.

  Stepping back, I surveyed myself in the antique, full-length mirror that sat in a wooden stand my father made, and took a breath. I actually looked pretty good, and that was without the boots.

  I reached for a scarf and wrapped it around my neck. I’d be forgoing a coat; I didn’t have one that didn’t make me look like I was nine years old or a truck driver from the Arctic Circle.

  It wasn’t until I’d jumped from my window onto the roof, and then landed in the backyard with only Bear seeing me, that I really committed to sneaking out of my house. And it wasn’t until I was walking along the path from my house to the main road that led into town that I decided where I was going.

  Staring at those pictures, the ones of me and Jake, I realized that I deserved more than this. I deserved a conversation at least. That’s what my mother would have demanded. If my dad suddenly showed up at our house with another woman, she’d demand answers!

  I shoved my hands in my pockets and raised my shoulders to brace against the wind, laughing at the idea of my dad ever doing that. First of all, he was my dad, but also, he was terrified of my mother. He’d never do anything that would upset her.

  I kept walking. The boots were pinching my toes, and as it had started snowing slightly, I was having a hard time getting any traction. I thought longingly of my real boots, which were currently in my backpack, hidden in the bushes by the turnoff to Old Man Jones’s yurt. I also thought longingly of my coat, which was in my closet doing me no good. In my room, planning to brave the elements for style seemed like a good idea. Out here, where it was windy and snowy and there was hardly any moonlight, it didn’t seem so smart.

  But what could I do? I wanted answers and I deserved them. So what if it was almost ten o’clock at night? So what if I was going to get frostbite and likely lose a couple of fingers? So what? What was all this in the face of lost love?

  When I got to the main street in town, I veered to the left, and cut across the parking lot of the Mountain Diner. This was the quickest route to the edge of the resort where the cabins were, but as soon as I stepped into the lamp-lit lot, I realized what a mistake it was to come this way. Will, Jay, and Cam were huddled around the back of Jay’s pickup truck, loading in their skis and snowboards. Sabrina lounged against the back bumper and from all the way on the other side of the lot, I could tell that she was whining at Cam. I took a deep breath and tried to hide in the shadows. It wasn’t that I was afraid of them, but I really didn’t feel like hearing about it from Sabrina.

  But after two steps I was overtaken by a sneezing fit. It had been a matter of time. My nose had been getting progressively runnier as I walked, but God hated me sometimes and that’s why I started sneezing in front of everybody.

  Will, whose back had been to me, turned to find the source of the noise. Sabrina pointed in my direction and laughed as Stephanie and Hannah huddled around her and began whispering furiously in her ears.

  “Is that my date?” Will called across the lot. I wanted to drop dead of embarrassment. But instead of fleeing the scene, I waved my hand in the air, and said, “Hey,” before continuing on.

  “Whitman!” Will pushed his board into the truck and came running for me. I had no choice but to stop.

  “What’s up?” I asked him.

  As he approached me, I could see his expression turn from relaxation to mild confusion. “Where’s your coat?”

  “Um, uh. Home,” I responded lamely.

  “You visiting Erin? She’s still behind the desk. Mean Agnes caught her throwing away the beef jerky from the gift shop, so she’s working extra to cover the cost. Like resort detention.”

  I looked toward the resort and then back at Will, trying to decide whether or not to admit what I was up to. But lying was too much trouble, so I faced him, wrapping my arms around me to keep warm. “Hey, have you seen Jake around tonight?”

  “Ah,” he said, getting it. “Nope, not on the slopes anyway, and he wasn’t in there.” He gestured to the diner. Sabrina and the Minions eyed me suspiciously from over by Will’s truck.

  “Oh, okay. Well, cool. I’ll see you, Will, and listen, thanks for, you know, the ball, and everything. If you change your mind, it’s no big deal.”

  Will cocked his head. “No way are you weaseling out of this. The town deserves to see me in a tux.” Then he looked over his shoulder and stepped closer to me. “Jessie—”

  “Yeah?”

  “Take my coat, okay?”

  “Huh? I don’t need it.”

  “Jessie.” He gave me a “let’s be real” look. “You’re shivering. And it’s a long way to those cabins. Just take it.” He removed his coat, the white puffy parka with the large X over the right side, and put it around my shoulders. Then he walked back to the truck.

  I was so pleased at the mortified look on Sabrina’s face that it took me a few seconds to realize that Will had known where I was heading.

  By the time I reached the cabins, it was well after ten thirty and I was a Popsicle, even in Will’s heavy coat. I walked to the Reids’ front door, but it was late and Jake’s mom was kind of strict. So instead of ringing the doorbell, I clambered across the porch that wrapped around the entire house, and stood on the railing. Jake’s window loomed up above me. There was a light on and music coming from his room, so I knew that he was there. Also, it seemed to be hard rock, so that gave me confidence that Evie wasn’t with him. Not that Mrs. Reid would let him have a
girl in his room. Although, maybe that was just me. Maybe she let girls from Boise do whatever they wanted.

  Clinging to the side of the house with one hand, I stood on my tiptoes and reached for his window. No good. I’m short like my mom, and didn’t even come close.

  I flattened my feet and remained on the railing, thinking about my next move. Finally, I cupped my hands around my mouth and whisper-yelled, “Jake! Jake!” But it was windy and the falling snow had picked up, which caused a howling sound, so there was no way he could hear me.

  I took a deep breath and looked around his backyard. The swing set sat silently, stilly in the yard, lit up by a slice of moonlight that was half covered by clouds. There was a stand of trees that divided this cabin from the one next door. I leaped off the railing and landed awkwardly, slipping back and forth before I could get any balance. These boots weren’t made for these kinds of covert ops. I gritted my teeth against the pain, and limped over to the trees. The ground was mostly covered with snow, but a decent-sized branch poked up from the white, and I grabbed it and pulled it with both hands until it came loose.

  Armed with my weapon, I re-climbed the railing and raised the branch. Yes! It reached the window. I tapped with all my might, only to worry that I’d broken the window.

  And suddenly he was there. Jake was at the window looking down into the yard. He looked toasty warm, in a long-sleeved red shirt. His hair was floppy in an extra-cute way. I waved wildly so that he’d see me, and almost lost my balance. He did a double take, then put a finger up to the window to signal that I should wait before disappearing back into his room.

  After a minute, he reappeared in the window, wearing a thick sweater. He opened the window wide, and then removed the winter screen. “Jessie! You’re gonna get me in trouble.”

  I didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to, he was already climbing out of the window. I felt a little thrill that he was breaking the rules just to see me.

  “Is anybody in there?” He pointed downward, and I peered into the first floor windows, which were dark.

  “No, no, you’re clear.”

  “Well, move!” He needed the railing to stop himself from dropping two stories onto the porch. I climbed down as fast as I could, but my ankle felt a little gimpy from my earlier fall.

  Jake’s feet landed squarely on the railing, as if he’d climbed out of his window every night. It struck me that we could’ve been meeting secretly like this the whole time we knew each other, but I didn’t think it was the time or place to mention that.

  Once he was standing in front of me on the porch, I could see that he was really annoyed, and the excitement I felt turned to dread. I suddenly was overwhelmed with the same kind of feelings as when I first met him, that he was far too cute a guy to be talking to me.

  “You’re going to get me in so much trouble.” He grabbed my arm and led me from the porch to the swings. He sat on one and stared at me. “What are you doing here?”

  “Won’t your parents see?” I pointed to the kitchen windows—they were wall-sized. I could see plainly into the house. Mr. and Mrs. Reid were drinking glasses of wine and reading to each other from the paper.

  “Jessie, just tell me why you’re here.”

  I swallowed hard. There was something about Jake that had always been different than all the other boys I knew. He was more mature, I guess. He had more in his head than snow. Erin could call him wishy-washy all she wanted, but in moments like these, he was very straightforward.

  “Well?”

  I pulled Will’s coat closer around me to keep out the chill and to buy time. I’d come all the way out here, and now that I’d gotten him face-to-face, I didn’t know what I wanted to say.

  “Jessie!”

  “How come you didn’t call me?” I spat out.

  This seemed to disarm him. He looked to the ground and began pushing himself back and forth on the swing. “I’m sorry,” he muttered to the ground.

  “If you wanted to break up,” I had a hard time getting that phrase out, “you should’ve just told me.”

  “I know.” He kept looking at the ground.

  “It’s not nice to stop talking to somebody!”

  “Keep your voice down, geez!”

  I was good and sad now. It had been a matter of time before he realized that I was just a girl from a tourist town, really. “So…what, you just don’t like me anymore?”

  “No! No, I like you. I just, I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?” His no-answer answers were causing me serious pain. I wasn’t sure what his problem was. “I’m giving you the chance to just tell me what I did wrong. So could you please just get on with it?”

  He looked at me then and took a deep breath. “Jessie, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “No?” I was shivering by this point. My teeth were chattering and I could only imagine how red my nose was.

  “No.” He stood up from the swing then and said, “I can’t just hang out here, my parents are going to see me.” Then he reached for me and pulled my coat tight around me. “And you’re going to catch a cold.”

  He didn’t let go of my coat. In fact, he started tracing the big embroidered X with his fingers. And he was standing kind of close to me. I was getting confused. He raised his eyes and smiled a sad smile at me. Then we both heard his mother call, “Jake? Jake?” from inside the house.

  “Oh man. I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Then, looking quickly into the house to make sure nobody was looking, he kissed me lightly on the lips before scampering back to the railing and pulling himself into his window.

  Chapter 6

  “So what do you think that means?” I was leaning against a desk that was piled high with papers and pencils and ski passes and old reservation books.

  “It means he’s wishy-washy. Like I always said,” Erin replied, barely looking at me. She was trying unsuccessfully to cram a stack of papers into a drawer that was already overflowing. “God, I hate that woman!” she shouted in frustration. Erin was spending her Friday morning filing Agnes’s various papers and cleaning her office, her punishment for stealing the reservation book.

  “How did she find out about the book anyway?” I asked idly.

  “You could help me, you know,” Erin said with narrowed black-rimmed eyes. “If you’re hanging out here, you should file.” She tapped a pile of papers by her, which caused them to tumble onto the floor in disarray. “Argh!”

  “Relax, relax, I’ll help.” I bent down and began sorting through the pile that had just fallen. “So, can we get back to Jake and the fact that he kissed me?”

  Erin stopped what she was doing. “You know what I think? I think it meant nothing. I think Jake will kiss whoever’s in front of him.”

  “I’m not helping anymore.” I kicked the pile that I had just straightened so the papers fell into Erin’s lap.

  “Mature,” she said.

  I was pouting, I knew it. But Erin had a way of summing up a situation in ways that you didn’t always want to hear, and this wasn’t one of the times I was looking for bracing reality. “How about a little optimism?” I muttered.

  “Fine, you want optimism? Maybe Jake realized, while looking at you late at night, hair askew, nose running, desperately having stalked him, that he’d made a big mistake. Better?”

  “My hair wasn’t askew.” There was nothing else to say, so I began helping her organize all the junk.

  Erin stopped what she was doing. “Why don’t you just ask him what it meant?”

  “I will, I will. I just, I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want the answer.”

  Erin looked at me and shook her head. “This is why I refuse to fall in love.”

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Abby was pulling at the collar of her ski jacket. “God, this thing is choking me!” Abby wasn’t what you’d call a skier. In fact, she wasn’t altogether coordinated, so she didn’t go in much for outdoor sports. She wore the clothes, though, although this jack
et seemed to be giving her trouble.

  “You can go if you want to. I’m staying right here until he shows up.” We were in one of the lodges. This one was a square-shaped room near the bottom of the two black-diamond hills. It was early in the afternoon, and the room was packed with people who were taking a lunch break from the slopes. There was a counter along the far back wall where you could order waters or hot chocolates or snacks, like pretzels and hot dogs. But even with all that food, the lodge smelled like cinnamon and vanilla and burning birch logs. There was always a fire burning right in the center of the room. It was a cozy spot, actually, with the centerpiece fireplace and the warm couches and benches that were situated around it.

  This is where Abby and I were camped out. I had a cup of hot chocolate that I was hardly touching, and Abby was finishing off a bottle of cranberry iced tea. We were waiting.

  After Erin finished cleaning the papers out of Agnes’s office, she pulled the lists of purchased ski passes. It turned out that Evie hadn’t bought a ski pass, but Jake and his family definitely had. Erin then pulled the spa logs and we saw that Evie would be spending much of her time at Mount Crow getting manicures and massages.

  I devised a plan: I would lie in wait for the Reids to arrive at the lodge, and then I could “run into” Jake. I had purposely not called him today, because I didn’t want him to think that I was freaking out about one little kiss, even though I clearly was freaking out about it. But if we “ran into” each other, then he’d have to acknowledge me, and then I could maybe figure out whether that kiss had meant that our love was rekindled or if that was his new standard way of saying good-bye to people. I was hoping for the former.

  Because one thing I knew: I was never going to do better than Jake Reid. Just seeing him for that brief moment in his yard, I was surer than ever. We both loved to ski. We both wanted to travel. I was the only one who knew about the birthmark on his back, the one shaped like a seagull. Surely he wouldn’t show Evie that. And he was the only one I could tell my dreams to, about going to UAA and then moving to the Lower States and never having to wear a pair of thermal underwear under my jeans again.