Music For My Soul

by Lauren Linwood

  “You are remarkable, my dear,” Lady Sanvale said, patting her hand. “And so very brave! I don’t know of many men who’d rescue a kitten the way you did, risking your life.” She removed something from her surcoat and took Madeleine’s hand, patting her again as she placed something heavy and cool in her palm.

  Madeleine opened her hand to find a beautiful brooch. “Oh, dear, my lady, I cannot accept such a valuable gift.

  Lady Sanvale silenced her. “My child, I’m an old woman. Not many live to be my age, and I’ve decided to make my own laws as I go along. You have brought me happiness, and I would return some to you. Now take this. You may have need of it someday.”

  Madeleine’s eyes glimmered with tears. She leaned forward and kissed the other woman’s withered cheek. “I thank you for your generosity, my lady.”

  Others also visited, including many of the servants who’d come to see her perform during the faire. Lissa came daily, and even Lady Edith honored her with a visit. But Garrett did not come.

  He stayed away for two full weeks, and Madeleine began to feel as if she might lose her mind after the first few days of bed rest. She didn’t know if it was from boredom or lack of his company. She had come to enjoy their verbal sparring, and she missed him terribly.

  Edith agreed with her when she decided to begin Lissa’s lessons again. Evan sat in on them, too, practicing both music and drawing when he could be excused from his work in the stables. Garrett, again true to his word, made sure his men kept the boy busy there. And for his part, Evan seemed to adore being around the horses. He did come and sleep with her every night, though.

  “I’m used ta sleeping near ye, Maddie,” he told her when he planted himself on the floor at the foot of her bed after that first night. “Ye might need me, and I’ll be here to help protect ye.”

  “Then come lie next to me, Evan. The floor’s too hard.”

  Of course, Lissa became jealous and also wanted to sleep with her. They’d had quite a time convincing her she belonged in her own chamber. It was moments like that in which Madeleine was relieved that Annie was the girl’s nurse and not she.

  Madeleine awakened early, as was her custom, and rose immediately. She practiced getting around several times a day, wanting to strengthen her leg and her own stamina as much as possible. She'd learned in the past not to let injuries slow her down, or Henri would make it worse for her. Her husband despised any display of weakness and took cruel advantage of anyone in that state. Madeleine had learned to fight the pain at first, and then she had learned to work with it. After three years with Henri, she knew just how far she could push her body and what its limitations were.

  The leg, still in its unwieldy splint, was heavy, but she managed it well. She hobbled around the room several times, exhausted but pleased with her progress. She whispered a fervent prayer to the Holy Mother, hoping the splint was helping her bones to mend properly. She smiled to herself, picturing the arrogant physician. She wished he could see what she’d already accomplished in so short a time.

  She heard a light rap on the door and it opened quietly. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of Garrett bearing a tray. On it sat bread and ale, with a large wedge of cheese. Her stomach rumbled at the sight of it, and she felt her face flush.

  Garrett entered the room and closed the door. He stared at her, concern written on his features. “Should you be trying to walk, Madeleine? ‘Tis a bit early, don’t you think?”

  She shook her head fiercely. “Nay, I must!” she insisted. “’Tis important that I move about. I know ‘twill help me heal more quickly.” She concentrated on each step as she moved slowly and deliberately toward the bed, swinging the damaged leg stiffly along.

  She glanced up and saw him watching her, a pained expression on his face. He looked as if he was ready to sweep her up and carry her to her destination. It was the last thing she wanted from him. She gave him credit, though, for he stood still and waited until she finally reached him.

  He helped her onto the bed, lifting her against the pillows and smoothing the covers over her. The very nearness of him brought her pleasure.

  He placed the tray on the bed and she reached for the ale, suddenly very thirsty. Her hands trembled as she took the cup and brought it to her lips, realizing her efforts had depleted most of her strength. He raised his hand to hers and steadied it so she could drink more easily.

  Madeleine drank deeply of the rich liquid. These turns around the room always left her drained. She wished Garrett would just leave, for she had no wits about her now. Still, he’d stayed away for a long time.

  “My lord?” she asked. “Is there something special about today?”

  “I wish you would call me Garrett. You are a guest in my home. All my friends call me Garrett.”

  A giggle escaped from her. “And your enemies call you the Devil Himself?”

  He grinned. “Better you call me Devil than nothing at all.” His expression grew serious. “I do wish to speak with you about an important matter. Last night Lord Eversleigh arrived at Stanbury.”

  She gasped. “So soon?” An ache like the one she’d felt upon Gwenith’s death filled her suddenly.

  He nodded. “He’d like to leave today with Evan. He’s meeting the boy for the first time now.”

  Her lips began to tremble, and she bit the lower one, trying to still it. “May I see Evan before he goes?” she asked quietly.

  “Of course. You know he’d insist upon it.”

  “Yes,” she said softly.

  “Lord Eversleigh would like to see you in about an hour. I’ll have Annie or someone come help you dress.”

  Madeleine nodded and turned her face away as he left the room. Sorrow began to weigh upon her soul. Her appetite had diminished and she pushed the tray away as hot tears fell.

  Madeleine dried her cheeks and was ready when the nobleman came to see her. He was very tall, with dark hair and dark eyes that sparkled with the same mischief she saw every day in Evan’s eyes. She was struck by the uncanny resemblance Evan bore to this stranger. It would be obvious to anyone that they were father and son.

  Eversleigh strode across the room and bowed to her. He dragged a chair up next to her bed. Surprisingly, he took her hand in his.

  “Tell me about my dearest Gwenith.” There was no mistaking his wistful tone, nor the tenderness in his eyes.

  Madeleine found her own eyes welling with fresh tears. “She was the best friend I ever had. Gwenith rescued me at the lowest point in my life and brought me around to the happiest times I’ve known.”

  Eversleigh smiled. “That’s my girl.” He sighed. “She was the most alive, most vibrant person I’ve ever known.”

  “And very beautiful,” Madeleine added.

  “Yes.” Eversleigh beamed. “With that impossibly red hair and wide smile. She quite stole my heart.” He shook his head in amazement. “She stole my wife’s, too. Even after she found out about Gwenith’s being with child, my child, my wife hadn’t the heart to throw her out. Most wives would storm and rage. Mine made booties for Evan.”

  “Yes, Gwenith did have a way about her,” she agreed with a smile. She felt the mirth fade from her lips and squeezed his hand. “You were very much in Gwenith’s thoughts at the end, my lord. She told me she’d never stopped loving you.” Madeleine’s eyes misted over. “Those were her last words.”

  Eversleigh stood abruptly and cleared his throat. “Why did she leave?” he thundered. “I could have cared for her. She’d never have gotten sick, never left Evan motherless, never . . .” His voice broke and he sat in the chair again, his head in his hands.

  Madeleine wished she had the answers he so desperately wanted.

  Eversleigh remained that way for several minutes before raising his head. “Thank you for being her friend. And for caring for my son. He’s very fond of you. In fact, if you’d like, you may journey to Sussex when you are well and care for him there. Would you consider it?”

  Madeleine longed to do that ve
ry thing. She’d become so attached to the little tyke in such a short time, she had no idea how she’d manage without seeing him on a daily basis. Yet he had his own life now with his father. She, on the other hand, had to return to France and embark on her new life there.

  “I will keep that in mind, my lord,” she told him, but she could see he knew she would never interfere.

  Loud steps came from the corridor and Evan and Lissa pushed her door wide, bounding in as only the young can.

  “Maddie, did you meet my papa? Isn’t he wonderful?” Evan ran to one side of her bed, and Lissa joined him on the other.

  “Yes, Evan, he’s very nice. I think you’ll have a wonderful time in Sussex.”

  Evan glanced quickly at his father and then asked, “Papa said you could come with us. Will you, Maddie?” He gazed at her lovingly, making her heart ache all the more.

  Her voice was thick as she replied, “I’ll consider it, Evan, but for now I must remain behind and get well. You do understand that, don’t you?”

  Evan threw himself into her arms, wrapping his own around her neck. “I’ll miss you so, Maddie, just like I miss Mama.” He squirmed away and studied her face a long time.

  “What are you doing, Evan?” she finally asked.

  “I’m remembering what you look like, Maddie. I’m forgetting what Mama looked like already. I don’t want to forget you, too.”

  Madeleine’s face puckered and she reached for him, holding him fast. “I do love you, Evan. I will always, always love you. You’ll remember that, won’t you?”

  “O’ course, Maddie.” He scrambled toward the door, followed by Lissa, his every-present shadow. “I’ve got to tell my horses goodbye now, Maddie.” He frowned. “But I won’t miss that Barth at all, with his creepy one eye. He’s a mean one.”

  Madeleine smiled wistfully at the retreating figure, knowing she’d never see him again.

  Garrett stepped into the doorway. Madeleine’s face was buried in her hands. He watched her shoulders jerk with spasms as if she were sobbing, but the absence of noise was eerie. The room remained absolutely silent.

  As he headed toward the bed he heard her murmur, “You’re my own little love, Evan, the only child I’ll ever have. I will love you always.”

  “What do you mean by that?” Garrett demanded.

  She lifted a reddened, tearstained face to him. “What?” she asked, obviously startled to see him.

  “You are a young woman, Madeleine, not more than three and twenty. Surely you’ll have many children.”

  She shook her head vehemently. “No, no, I haven’t been good enough to deserve children.”

  Puzzled by her strange comment, Garrett eased down on the bed next to her and took her hands in his. “You are one of the kindest souls I know, Madeleine.”

  She squared her shoulders. “No, my lord, you don’t really know me at all. I’ve done things I could tell no one about, especially you. But God knows, and I will make it up to Him.” She slipped her hands from his and brushed the tears from her cheeks.

  He shrugged. “All you need to do is confess, Madeleine, and then get on with your life.” He thought of the scars she bore, sure that she’d been the one sinned against.

  “No, my lord. I have thought of a way that will please God and solve all my problems.”

  He waited patiently for her to elaborate.

  “I intend to enter a convent.”

  Garrett grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, as if to knock some sense into her. “What? You can’t. I won’t let you.”

  “Don’t you see you are one of the reasons I must do this?” she asked him, the pain evident in her voice.”

  “I won’t let you go, Madeleine.” He took a deep breath. “I love you.”

  Chapter 19

  Madeleine froze at his words. No man had ever told her this. She was stunned at the depth of emotion that raced through her trembling body.

  Garrett released his grip on her shoulders and loomed over her, inches away, his eyes intense, willing her to keep looking at him, only at him, and nothing else.

  “I love you,” he repeated softly and brought his mouth down on hers. His grip tightened on her shoulders as he brought her closer to him.

  She had thought their kiss on the rock in the meadow was earth shattering, but this one . . .

  The other had started gently and built, while this one began possessively and became more so. She could feel the passion pouring from Garrett into her, and she responded to his call. His assault on her mouth was rough and tender at the same time, savage yet sweet. Emotions unfamiliar to her came in wave after wave, as an invading army would, never letting up. She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t imagine being anywhere except in his arms.

  How could something so wrong feel so right? Why had she been denied these feelings her entire life? Why had God so cruelly coupled her with an old man full of spite and hate when there were good men like Garrett to be found?

  He finally inched away, and she instinctively moved back toward him. He chuckled, a low, soft laugh, one that held satisfaction even as his eyes glowed with triumph.

  “You will not enter a convent, Madeleine.” He cupped her face in his strong hands. “Where do you think I’ve been these last two weeks?” he asked softly. “I went to see the bishop. He knows Lynnette deserted me years ago. I have petitioned for a divorce on grounds of abandonment.”

  His words shattered Madeleine to her core. Divorce? ‘Twas almost unheard of, and only then used by men who locked barren wives away in a convent and sought freedom from their vows in order to marry a fertile woman.

  She understood his situation was far different, but to take such a colossal step. Then his true meaning struck her with great force.

  He did this for her. For them. Garrett wanted a life with her. With her!

  He rubbed his callused thumb across her smooth cheek. “’Twill take much time and probably a healthy donation to the bishop’s coffers, but then we’ll marry, sweetheart. No convent for you. You were made to be loved . . . by me alone.” He kissed her again, this time a sweet, tender kiss, sealing his pledge to her. “I’ve never truly loved another, Madeleine,” he said, his voice raw with emotion. “Never.”

  Her tears fell at his words and before she could stop herself she replied, “I love you, Garrett, with all my heart.”

  “And never another man?” he asked, his tone serious.

  She shook her head. “Nay, I’ve loved no other.” She wiped at her tears. “But we cannot do this, Garrett, ‘tis wrong of us. God would—”

  “God wants His children to love one another and be happy, Madeleine. You are happy with me?” he asked, hesitation in his voice. “I have a reputation for coldness, though I’ve found in your company I’m all heat and fire.” His eyes blazed with desire.

  Madeleine thrilled at his words and couldn’t help but tease him a bit. “You are never cold with me, my lord.” She cocked her head to one side. “Arrogant. Argumentative. Hard-headed perhaps, but never cold.”

  He laughed at her words. “You bring out the best in me.” He studied her a moment. “I know you are devoted to God and that it makes you uncomfortable kissing a married man. I promise I won’t kiss you again till I am free.”

  Madeleine saw the determination in his eyes. He’d seemed so sad and yet so angry when she’d first met him. She realized how unhappy and lonely he’d been and felt grateful that she’d brought a little bit of sunshine into his life. As long as he promised not to touch her, what harm was there in giving him something to live for, something that renewed his energy and his outlook on life?

  Besides, she truly loved this man, loved for the first time ever. The depth of her emotions surprised her. Love for Garrett swept in and filled her heart before she’d known what was happening. She couldn’t imagine being parted from him and wished she could commit to him in body and soul for the rest of their lives.

  But Henri lurked in the shadows. Where only minutes ago she’d
struggled to move about this room, now her struggle must be to stop this. Now. Before it was too late.

  Though this was the only happiness either of them had known in years, she must make Garrett see how impossible a love between them was. She could not let her selfish heart rule her head and give him hope for their love. Would she not do the same thing Lynnette had done by leaving him in the end? It was a cruel ploy.

  She must beg God to give her strength to withstand this temptation. Her love for Garrett was too strong. She must put a chance at momentary happiness with him aside, for what if she gave him hope of a future together and then disappeared? She could imagine only too well how he would withdraw from life. If she vanished after pretending they would have a life together, her rejection might break him for good.

  She found voice for her brave words, though they rang hollow in her ears. “I am damaged goods, Garrett, a poor troubadour with a limp. I have a regretful past and no future, nothing to offer you. I cannot accept your love.”

  The heat in his eyes scared her. Madeleine saw her words only challenged him. He would be resolute in his quest for her. She prayed for strength and hoped God wouldn’t let her down.

  He moved toward her, but she placed her hand upon his chest.

  “You said no more kisses,” she reminded him.

  “Not after this one,” he said and lowered his head to hers one more time.

  For the next two months while her leg slowly healed, Garrett held to his promise. He did not kiss her. He longed to every waking moment and dreamed of her at night, but he refused to break his pledge. Though Madeleine did accuse him on more than one occasion of looking at her like a hungry wolf before devouring a sheep.