by Valia Lind
"It's for one male. One eighteen year old male, Wentworth, L."
Every cell in my body freezes at Uncle's words. Suddenly, I don't remember how to breathe or move or think. My world becomes one word.
"Logan."
* * *
"You're not seriously planning on just waltzing into that hospital?" Calen asks as soon as we get off video chat with Uncle Freddie. I don't even notice them saying goodbye. All I can think about is seeing him, seeing for myself if he's alive. A part of me hopes, and it shouldn't. The other part is angry, and that's what I focus on.
"I am going, and you're going to help me."
"T, what if it's a trap? You can't just expect—" I spin to face him, stopping Calen from saying whatever he'd planned to say.
"I don't expect anything anymore, Calen. But I need to know. I have questions and I can't keep pretending that...Logan wasn't a huge part of all of this. I need to know one way or the other. If it is a trap, we'll deal with it when the time comes."
"We?" Calen asks from behind me as I head toward the door once more.
"Yes. We. I need your help getting inside the hospital. Stop grinning." I growl at his smug look and grab my bag. "We leave in five."
*
Walking into that hospital room is like stepping back in time.
I feel his presence before I see him. The room is almost completely dark, the monitors making the only noise through the shadows, besides his breathing. I stand by the door, almost clawing at the wall to keep myself from moving forward. I know that's why I came, but for some reason, now I can't make my feet move. It takes me a few moments to collect myself and when I finally take that step forward, I see him.
Just the sight of him sends my heart into overdrive. Tears spring to my eyes and I curse myself for not having that particular emotion under control. I take enough steps toward him that I am now standing beside his bed. I'm hidden by the curtain if anyone from the outside decides to look in on him, and I'm keeping away from the windows.
Calen swept the room for any bugs or monitoring cameras, but I still double check with the watch Uncle Freddie gave me. When I receive no frequency alerts back, I turn my timer on. I can't stay more than six minutes.
I make myself look at him again. His face is cut up and bruised, half of his body is wrapped in bandages. There's a ghost white glow to his skin, even in this dark light and I hate myself for feeling sorry for him. The place that I shot him is covered by the blanket, but I know exactly where it is. I will know it for as long as I live.
A part of me really doesn't want to wake him, but if I don't, then why did I come? I honestly don't know.
To prove to myself that I could.
To see with my own two eyes that he's still living.
To prove to him that I don't care.
But I do care. And that is the whole problem. My hand reaches out to touch his own, but I catch myself before it can connect. I want to scream at the absurdity of my own actions. He's always been able to affect me and here he is, laying in front of me completely helpless and he's still affecting me.
I turn to go, because whatever questions I came to ask are pointless. I can't get through a conversation with him. I'll either finish what I started and kill him or I'll lose it and get killed by one of the goons guarding him. But before I can take another step, his voice stops me.
"Anastasia."
I turn around, shock on my face, but he's still sleeping. The fact that he murmurs my name in his sleep does something to my insides. I'm all twisted up inside and out, the range of emotions burning fire through my blood. The tears I've been trying to hold in slip past my defenses, and I know I have to leave now, before it's too late. He's a memory now. A memory I hold way too dear in my heart. Something that I'm not allowed to do. Ever.
My watch beeps just then and I shut it off. In six minutes Logan has once again broken through all of my defenses and touched my heart. And all he did was say my name in his sleep. How small were those walls if he can do so without even trying?
Without a backwards glance, I slip out of the room and down the hall. Right on time. The guards are coming back and I need to leave now.
I got what I came for. I think...
No time to wonder on that now. I head toward the front of the hospital, looking down at my watch. I have one minute to meet Calen. Right on time. I'm through the front doors and in the car as soon as it pulls up. The moment I'm inside, I breathe a little easier and glance down at my timer. I made it.
I didn't realize just how terrified I was up until this very moment. If I lost my cool in there, if I diverted from our timed plan, I could've been caught. After staying off the grid so well, I shouldn't have taken that chance, but I knew I had to.
"Well?" Calen asks, after giving me half a dozen questioning looks. He's allowing me time to collect myself and the fact that I need to do that now drives me insane.
"It's him. They did a number on him, that's for sure. He's—he doesn't look good." I don't know if Logan's punishment was a lesson to the others or if it had something to do with the fact that I escaped. I know a few others saw us talking before I shot him. I know he couldn't really explain that away and Foster wouldn't take excuses.
"Did you talk to him?"
"No. He was sleeping." The next question should be why didn't I wake him, but Calen doesn't ask. He just continues to drive as I stare out the window. After about five minutes without being followed, I relax just a little. But only a little. Calen's not done asking questions.
"But you're okay, right?"
I don't know how to answer that without giving too much away. And maybe that answers it better than words can. But I take a deep breath anyway and turn to face Calen.
"I'm always okay." I say, hoping he will leave it at that. Surprisingly, he does.
The thing is, I don't know what I am anymore. As each day goes by, that becomes more and more evident and I don't know how to hide that truth from the people who know me best.
I feel restless.
Uncomfortable.
Like a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
I don't fit and the fact that I have to have these long conversations with myself reminds me of that more and more. I need to find a better balance. I need to find my footing if I'm going to win.
Tomorrow, I'm heading back into the heart of Kallos. There are clinics I want to see with my own two eyes, places I need to visit so that I can get a read off them. If we can find some kind of a clue as to what they've been doing since I'd disrupted their last shipment, then maybe I can find out where Foster is. And in turn, find out what they've done to Blake. But even with all that work to do, I know there will be one place I'll be going tomorrow as well.
I'll be going to see Logan, again.
7.
I'm too restless to sit still.
Calen got his wish and came to the city with me, but now, all I want is to send him back to the cabin. I can't stand his imploring looks any longer. It's as if there are questions on the tip of his tongue and he's barely holding them in. If he gives me one more inquiring gaze, I might punch him. I seriously might.
We drove about an hour—no, 67 minutes—I hate that my brain is still having trouble being precise. Calen stopped at a hotel, keeping away from the safe houses Uncle Freddie set up, just in case. I really can't predict what Logan told his boss, one way or the other.
Logan.
I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's alive. It feels as if I've just come to a point where I could morn him, where I was allowing myself to morn his betrayal, and now that's been taken away.
It's like I have to start all over again.
I haven't lost it just yet, but I can feel all the emotions bubbling up inside of me. The side effect of whatever they did to me in that container on the docks is still an ever present itch under my skin. I can feel it making its way into my system, but I'm not allowing it to win. I have to stay focused.
Calen is setting up his mini workstation
at the small desk in the hotel, while I pace. I'm too restless to sit in one spot for any period of time right now.
"What are you going to do?" Calen asks, breaking the silence. For a second, I freeze, because I have absolutely no idea. It's like my brain can't comprehend Logan's existence and now it's stuck. It's the only thing I can think about. "Tasia?"
"Sorry,” I say, visibly shaking myself. I head for the bed where I dumped my stuff earlier. I was so set on the mission before Uncle Freddie called, now I need to get that mission motivation back.
"I'm heading to the community. I have to see it firsthand."
I couldn't waltz into the hospital covered in weapons, so I had to leave them with Calen. Now, it's time to put them where they belong: within easy reach anywhere on my body.
"Are you sure that's wise? I know we talked about it already, but—"
"No buts, Calen." I interrupt before he can continue listing all the reasons why this is a stupid move. I need to do something stupid right now, before I lose my nerve. Going back into the lion's den while I'm so unstable might not be the best way to gain information, but it's the only option we've got.
"I need you to get me an arial view of the community. The later the images, the better." He rolls his eyes at me as if saying 'duh' and I realize I'm being bossy. But hey, this is what I do best. I ignore his attitude and concentrate on strapping the sheafs to my ankles. Two knives go on each side, before I grab for the belt. Putting it through the loops on my dark jeans, I place one knife inside, at the small of my back.
I'm tempted to take a gun with me, but the flowery shirt I'm about to put on, so I’m able to blend in with the rest of the people living inside those walls, is too transparent to hide a holster. We stopped on the way to the hotel and I asked Calen to pick up an outfit for me. I'm thankful he didn't go with a dress. It's a lot harder to hide firepower when every time I move, half of my body is exposed. Blake would've picked out a dress for me.
Her face sneaks up on me in my mind and I grab my stomach at the pain running through my body. Barely suppressing a groan, I concentrate my breathing. I can feel Calen's eyes on me as I bend over, leaning on the bed. It takes me 27 seconds to regain control. I'm getting better.
"Here." Calen says, not even two minutes later. He doesn't comment on my sudden display of helplessness, but I can read the questions in his eyes. Giving him a pointed look I focus my attention on the screen. It's his turn to groan, but he doesn't voice his concerns with words.
There are 87 houses sitting comfortably, spaced around 20 feet apart.
4 cul-de-sacs.
2 entrances.
It's all very cookie cutter perfection and it's full of crap.
"Look here," I point to the screen. Calen presses a few buttons zooming in on a corner house in one of the cul-de-sacs. It looks almost like all the other houses, but not quite. It's almost as if I'm pulled to focus on that house, my other senses are screaming to come to attention. I can't see that well from an arial shot, but there seems to be subtle differences about the structure of and around the house.
"What am I looking at?" Calen asks, clearly confused. He doesn't see it the way I do, the way I can look past the outside and see the little bit of information stored in the layout of the house.
"It's a watch house. It's set up to look the part, but there are sensors around the perimeter and cameras set up in various vantage points around the yard." I point out the places as I talk. Calen zooms in more, but the pictures isn't very clear, so he doesn't see what I can. I'm not even sure how I see it. My superpowers don't come with super vision.
"Okaaay," he drags out the word, turning to look at me. "If you can tell all of that from a photograph, whyexactly do you need to go there?"
"Because I can't tell what's inside. And I need to know." I don't tell him that I need to know if Blake is inside, but he can read me like a book right now anyway, so I don’t need to voice my thoughts. He gives me a nod full of determination and leaves me to finish getting ready.
I grab my blouse and head for the bathroom. Calen even managed to acquire some primping accessories such as mascara, lipstick, and straightening iron. Blake taught him well. I study myself in the mirror, looking for signs of the carefree girl I once was. I need to pull on all of mynormal person attributes if I am to blend in.
"Hey T," Calen's voice breaks through my thoughts. "There's a barbecue scheduled for today at one of the houses near the weird looking house. It's open to the entire community."
"And how exactly do you know that?" I call out, pulling the shirt over my head.
"They have a website. Duh."
I grunt at his remark, but I can't help smiling. I plug the straightener in, pulling down my ponytail and run a brush through my hair. Stepping out of the bathroom with the brush still in my hands, I say.
"I didn't think people really did barbecues around here."
"Apparently, they do them every third day. At least, according to this calendar. They alternate houses, but the neighborhood is alway invited. It says open door policy on all." Calen glances at me over his shoulder, then does a double take.
"What?" I ask, letting my hands fall down to my sides.
"Nothing. You just reminded me of Blake, the way you were brushing your hair. I'm not used to you having it down." The sadness is etched into the corners of his face and I have nothing to say. He doesn't want comfort. He wants his sister back. But we're both a little too lost in our emotions to be rational about things and that's dangerous.
I can't be soft.
Comforting.
Human.
I have to be tough. In every aspect of this operation or I will fail. Again. And this time, I'll lose more than just my heart. I know that without a shadow of a doubt.
I squeeze Calen's shoulder before going back into the bathroom to finish getting ready. I was planning on going to the community center to have a look around, but a neighborhood barbecue will work even better. It seems to be easy to gain acceptance into their little robotic lives, because the individuals affected by the drug seem to be extremely friendly. I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone there will be under the influence, but I'm planning to use the ones who are. I swipe the mascara over my lashes before shaking my head at my own thoughts. Using people, that's what I'm good at now. My parents would be so proud.
Laughing bitterly would probably just make me sound insane, so I swallow the desire down. My parents wouldn't approve of anything I'm doing, but they're not here to stop or punish me for my misbehaviors. I wouldn't be here if they were still alive. Grabbing the straightener, I yank it over the bottom half of my hair, before running my fingers through it. Taking one last look in the mirror, I'm surprised by the subtle changes in my appearance.
The mascara makes my eyes look bigger, deeper. I lost some weight in the last week, making the color stand out much brighter than before. I reach for the lipstick and run it over my lips. The light pink color does wonders to make me look more alive. So does having my hair down. I’ve never really noticed the difference it makes.
Logan was the one who did.
Yanking the plug out to make sure I don't burn the hotel down, I storm out of the bathroom. Calen turns to me with a puzzled look on his face, but I ignore him. I already let one boy distract me, I can't afford to have anyone else doing it again, regardless of who they are. And if I were to stay and answer all of Calen's questions, I'd never get to Blake. Instead, I grab my jacket. I open my mouth to say goodbye when I see Calen getting up.
"What do you think you're doing?" I ask when he steps toward the door.
"I think it's obvious."
"Calen—"
"Listen, Tasia. This argument is getting old. Just let me help already. I promised I wasn't going with you to the suburbs and I'm not. But you need transportation and I can at least help you with that." I give him a pointed look which earns me one of his devilish grins. There's really no defense against him when he starts acting so charming.
"Fine
. But I swear, if I see you driving anywhere near the suburbs I will handcuff you to a pipe in some dark and far away basement."
"How did you know it’s my fantasy to be handcuffed in a stuffy dark hole, somewhere out of the way? You really know how to win a guy over."
With a wink, he grins again, before walking out of the door. I shake my head at his antics and as I pull the door shut behind me my mind wanders to the other guys who could disarm me with a smile.
Once I find Blake, I'll deal with Logan.
* * *
Calen drops me off in one of the least shadiest places of Chicago, and as we pull up to the curb, I give him a death stare.
"Are you trying to get me noticed?" I growl, before taking in the full view of where we are. It's a busy district, with shops available on one side of the street and a park opening up on the other. People mingle around, too many people considering it's Thursday.
"I'm trying to help." Calen snaps and I twist my head back around to stare at him. I knew he'd be tired of my constant nagging soon, and I guess I have reached my limit. His eyes are tired, but firm. "Uncle Freddie has a car waiting for you. It's right on the other side of that alley."
"Uncle Freddie?"
No sooner than I ask the question, I see him walking down the street towards us. He's wearing a large coat and a hat, pulled down low over his face, but I know it's him. He gets in the back of the car and I twist around to stare at him in amazement.
"What in the name of all that is good in the world are you doing here?" I'm not shouting, but there's no doubt about the volume of that question. There is absolutely nothing right about my uncle sitting in the back of the car, grinning at me as if we're about to have a family picnic.
"You told Calen he can't take you to the suburbs, and you needed a car. I provided the car." Uncle Freddie replies calmly, and I feel a prickling at the back of my neck as I try to focus my breathing. I feel a migraine coming on and it has everything to do with the fact that my family is once again putting themselves into danger.
"I specifically toldall of you that you needed to stay out of it. I'll get Blake back, then you can go on your merry little ways and leave me to finish what I started. But in order for you to be able to go on your merry little way you have to stay alive. Putting yourself in danger isn't the way to go!"
