Old Lovers Don't Die

by Anderson, Paul G

  Christian decided to buy a little more time before he replied and took a sip of his champagne.

  “You’re going to tell me about your father, aren’t you?” she said before he could reply

  “Very intuitive. I take it that comes from scrutinizing many witnesses in trying to determine the truth before it emerges, or I suspect more often determining whether it’s a substitute for the truth.”

  “Partly true, and it’s partly what women do. We have radar that is more finely attuned to the emotional parts of human beings. Evolutionary psychology is the more scientific term. I studied that as a free subject at Cambridge along with epigenetics.”

  “You mean evolution had a significant psychological component worthy of study?”

  “Spoken like a true sceptical scientist. Psychology was an important part of survival in the hunter-gatherer period especially for women. In the days when it was all about strength, a woman’s advantage was to be able to know intuitively how man was going to react. Women understanding any situation, particularly involving men, often determined not only her survival but also mateship and preservation of the species. Men were good at hunting and gathering, women were good at risk assessment. Then as we evolved, those genes became more sophisticated evolving into the radar that we use today. Something which is called epigenetics, the evolutionary modification of our genes.”

  “So that’s where women’s finely tuned intuition comes from, evolution and epigenetics. Women learning over the years and being able to influence their genetic code so they end up emotionally smarter than men in the way that they react,” Christian said, unable to contain a wry smile.

  Petrea laughed. “You are right, although I see your scepticism is alive and well. Intuition is built on thousands of years of assessing males genetically, working out what works, and discarding that which doesn’t.”

  “And you seriously studied that.”

  “Yes. And seriously back at you, I thought it would help me in my job as a prosecutor, understanding not only plaintiff’s body language but also my own counsel. However, it became fascinating as a subject in its own right. One of the things women do, I learnt, was a subconscious visual scan similar to you and me in the Qantas lounge. That scan determines interest or otherwise, based on a number of well-defined evolutionary anatomical points. Over the years we have evolved to a secondary peripheral scan with more sophisticated elements.”

  “Okay, you have my interest. Tell me about this visual scan.”

  “For a female in the early days, it was all about a continuation of the species. Therefore, the scan centred on body shape. Shapes were subconsciously identified with protection and successful healthy procreation.”

  “So males who were big and strong would be what a female was scanning for. That does not sound too different to the modern-day situation, considering the emphasis on six-packs in the magazines.”

  “It’s not, but what we do now, or have evolved to, is scanning for someone who is attractive to us not just as a protector/provider. There will be elements of the past embedded in our genes, but it’s no longer completely about procreation. Attractiveness and projected personality/intelligence has been added to our visual scanner, both male and female.”

  “So what you’re saying is if I see a woman in the street, some part of my primitive brain is processing her shape and that determines future action.”

  “Correct. Think about situations where you have been walking down the street or in the gym and something just registers with you that suggests there is a pleasant shape in your peripheral vision that you want to examine more closely. Ever had that experience?”

  “I have. I can remember being in the gym one day, and a woman walked past and without looking at her directly, I can remember feeling she seemed really nice.”

  “That’s evolutionary psychology in action. Your brain processed her shape, referred it to your genetic centre of evolutionary assessment, and sent a pleasant feeling to your temporal lobe. And then you did a more sophisticated secondary scan, am I right?”

  Christian laughed. “Yes you are right, although I don’t know that you would describe it as more sophisticated. Her shape caught my attention, I liked her hair, the way she walked, the way she smiled and I then looked at her as she walked along and thought she was really nice and in many ways my type.”

  “But you did not follow her and ask her out?”

  “No, I did not because that’s the frustrating thing, how do you tell whether there is real bilateral interest?”

  “That’s what you boys don’t do well; you don’t have confidence in the signs that you reading and you have this hugely disproportionate fear of being rejected. In the past, man never had to deal with rejection. The need for procreation overrode everything else. That is partly why it is such a problem for men now, this huge lack of evolutionary development. You are now being forced to evaluate and make choices based on limited experience and retarded evolutionary history.”

  “I do remember reading somewhere that over 60% of males have no idea how you progress from that point after they see someone who is attractive to them.”

  “That research could, despite sounding like it comes from one of those authoritative woman’s magazines, quite possibly be possibly true. Most males end up being so worried about being rejected that they do not do anything. On the other hand, if they manage to get close enough to a work colleague that they fancy, they make very weak enquiries about what she may be doing or where she is going at the weekend, hoping that that will initiate a relationship. From an evolutionary point of view, you can understand that kind of unsophisticated approach. Unfortunately, they have no evolutionary experience on which to build greater sophistication, as mostly it was the females who initiated preselection. There were exceptions, such as a few dominant Neanderthal males just selected a female and dragged her back to the cave by the hair. Either way, rejection was not something that males had to face back then which is why they have a crisis with that now.”

  “From the rejection point of view, I think I’d prefer to go back to days of the cavemen, much simpler than trying to sort out the complexities of attraction nowadays and whether you are wanted and for what reason. It appears broad shoulders, strong arms, plus a large club might have made things a lot easier.”

  “Back then procreation was the driving force so that approach was fine but now what the female wants is a relationship. Men haven’t evolved fast enough to deal with the current reality of relationships.”

  “Isn’t that vaguely sexist?”

  “No. Well yes, but it is the science of evolution talking. Men have to get better at reading the signs. Men, young and old, are hopeless when it comes to reading the signs we give, a woman almost needs to come up and say, “You’re the most attractive thing I have seen on this planet,” before you ask them out. And then, we still have man mistranslating that into we want to have instant sex with them.”

  “Okay, I admit my difficulties in that area of reading signs that you give us; perhaps that’s why there has been such an explosion of Internet dating. Men can take their time, look at lots of people whom they think they will fancy without the rejection. Women have cooperated, understanding means inadequacies in this area. However, while the Internet allows you to do the equivalent of a preliminary scan, you still have to do your secondary scan when you finally meet them. I guess, though, it eliminates a lot of potential rejection. Nonetheless, to my way of thinking, it is just delaying and complicating the process and in addition, you cannot find out about potential chemistry looking at a photo where you don’t know how authentic it is.”

  “So now we know you have tried Internet dating, Christian?”

  “Not really. I had a look at it, and probably like every other male, was intrigued by the fact there were so many people who believed it was the answer to the relationship problem. It is still an interesting phenomenon to me, but it depersonalises the whole aspect of relationships. From the point of view of initia
l attractiveness and getting to know someone, it appeals to the voyeur in us and deceives us into believing there are many potential great relationships out there. In so far as I can see, all the Internet has done is give a wider range of people the opportunity to look at carefully constructed profiles and photos. You still need to go through getting to know someone in person to determine whether there can be a great relationship and more importantly, great chemistry. That is the essence of a great relationship and you cannot tell that from the Internet. Even with new innovations like Tinder, which allows you to scroll through dozens of photos from Facebook pages closed to you, it doesn’t determine personal interaction, only attraction at a superficial level.”

  “Have you ever tried it?”

  “No, but like you, I have looked at it and found it fascinating partly because so many of my friends use it, but the real answer would be no, for all the reasons you have just mentioned. In addition, and this will sound arrogant, I have never had an issue finding men, although finding the right one has been difficult. So I have been tempted to revert back to the Internet but then dissuaded by my friends who tell me that over 50% of the people they meet are completely different to those represented in their profile. In addition to which, many falsely represent their status as being single, when actually they are married. They turn out to be not interested in a relationship, but in sex. As you imply, a hot photo does not guarantee chemistry. I tend therefore to stick to picking up interesting men in airport lounges.”

  Christian laughed. “Well, we are agreed on the Internet but for different reasons. So you had better up-skill me with this sign reading and evolutionary relationship development.”

  “Let’s start with that girl you saw in the gym. What happened after your preliminary scan? Did she at any stage walk back past you and glance at you?”

  “Yes she did, about ten minutes later. She looked at me as she walked back past, just a quick glance and then looked away.”

  “Now that glance, in pure evolutionary psychology terms, meant she approved your shape and was interested. If she had not been interested, she would have walked past you looking at the floor. Did you smile back at her, give her a small wave, or get up and looked like you wanted to talk to her?”

  “No, I did not. I thought she may have had a partner or that she was just being nice. I know that probably confirms the evolutionary rejection theory. Nevertheless, getting beyond that preliminary encounter has always been one of my issues. I’m so busy processing the secondary scan in thinking how nice it would be to be with her but the opportunity disappears or perhaps I allow it to disappear.”

  “Christian, you just need to get to learn the signs better and decide that they are real signs and women, through those signs, are giving you permission to get to know them.”

  “So now, you’re going to teach me next about evolution of body language and how to interpret that?”

  “Well, since you appear so interested. There is now clearly much more to attraction and successful relationships than just a primary and secondary scan even if they are more sophisticated. As we have evolved and developed an instinct for what we like in a partner, there is not just recognition of someone who will protect us and possibly be a good sperm donor, but who will also satisfy this growing list of sophisticated emotional needs.”

  “That could be simplistic things like colour of hair, length of hair, haircut, long or short neck, long or muscular legs which have evolved as part of our individual relationship requirements and are built into our secondary scan.”

  “Mostly correct but the second scan is not at the subconscious level. It is no longer about recording data points based on primitive genetic selection. It’s now about consciously evaluating a profile that is involved in us and that we have constructed of someone we would like to get to know better. That may include some of the things that you recognise you like, but for some people, it will be just a good feeling that is generated by saying something which has evolutionary roots they can’t really define.”

  “And that applies to women as well as men?” said Christian.

  “Of course with women it’s a little bit more refined as you would expect.” Petrea’s mischievous smile had returned. “Despite what the common magazines say, we are looking for signs after a basic scan of attractiveness that tell us a man is intelligent with an innate sense of goodness, projects authority and appears to have the potential to be a successful provider.”

  “I get all that, and there are many shapes of women that I find attractive, but for me, it’s still it’s how to read the signs and does any of that give me an indication whether my scan is reciprocated. Clearly, you can have attraction between two people who identify with each other’s profile. The only problem is that men are, as you said, useless at recognising it, which makes it difficult to get to the next step of establishing chemistry—the secret of all good relationships.”

  “Ah, chemistry. I wondered whether we would get to that; some would say without chemistry in a relationship, you only have a friendship. Many in fact do not ever find chemistry and argue that it is an illusion; in many ways that may be easier and potentially be the safer option. Having a nice managed relationship without any chemistry can clearly be very successful.”

  “But having found great chemistry once, I don’t want to settle for something less, Petrea.”

  “Tell me what you define as great chemistry.”

  “With Isabella, there was obviously mutual attraction. From the time we first met, there was this overwhelming feeling of attraction/desire. That in turn ignited this incredible passion. I loved her body and mind and everything about her; even our orgasms were in sync from the first night. It just seemed like 100% match on all levels.”

  “Well I can understand you wanting that again. That does sound like great chemistry. Not the type of chemistry that the modern media tries to get us hooked on. They have created this fantasy of chemistry around these illusions of big boobs and six-packs. Yours is the real chemistry which I personally think you can have with more than one person, even though you haven’t yet found it with anyone else other than Isabella. So tell me about me more about Isabella. I might learn something.”

  “Did you ever see the movie, Mad Dog and Glory with Robert De Niro and Uma Thurman?”

  “I think everyone has seen that. It’s a classic, why?”

  “Do you remember the intensity of the passion when they made love?”

  “I seem to remember they devoured each other.”

  “It was that kind of intensity when I met Isabella. The lovemaking was almost uncontrollable. As though every part of us, all our senses of smell, sight, hearing, suddenly were much more alive and just wanted to interact with the each other at a frantic pace.”

  “Okay, so I can see you skipped the evolutionary scanning bit and just went straight to the chemistry, thereby arguing I take it, that chemistry overrides evolution,” Petrea said smiling.

  “The primary and the secondary scan happened but just very quickly. It was the next step which was so different; there was no confusion with signs, just this laser lock of attraction; when we met each time, it was like a virtual neon sign of desire was turned on, if you will, by how she looked, how she moved, how she smelt, and how she smiled.”

  “Why isn’t she here with you now?”

  “Circumstances. She had to complete medical school and so did I and the relationship just drifted, irrespective of how hard we tried to maintain it. We both remain friends and she has had other relationships and so have I. But as I said, nothing with kind of chemistry which I had with Isabella.”

  “So one of the things you wonder, was that chemistry unique to Isabella, and therefore it’s impossible to have that level with anyone else?”

  “Well, I haven’t got close with anyone else when it comes to that kind of chemistry. I have considered it from many angles. Was it just because it was the first time, and our hormones were unleashed upon each other raw and uncontrolled? That i
t was like climbing Everest for the first time, so that whatever you did after that could never have the same intensity.”

  “Firstly, there is an intensity which is hard to replicate with a first love if it’s a good experience. That is the same as anything for the first time that is new, wild, and uncontrolled. Secondly, it is possible to have the same kind of intensity and chemistry with someone else. Believe me, I have had with more than one man an amazing chemistry between us.”

  “So if I could return the question, why are none of them sitting here with you now?”

  “Most of the men that I have known suffered under the illusion that if they were attractive physically, chemistry was guaranteed. What detracted from all of that was unfortunately, most were self-focused and self-absorbed, which possibly guarantees good sex, but good sex is not great chemistry. It is a bit like driving a Volkswagen when you could be in a Ferrari.”

  “I like that analogy, but surely in your profession with all the intelligence and attractiveness, there must have been some Ferraris you could have parked in your garage.”

  “Very cute, Christian. The men I meet mostly have all the necessary ingredients that meet my requirements: tall, athletic, attractive, intelligent, and successful. The prominence of the ‘how great I am gene’ locks them emotionally into the 1800s, an era when chemistry was unheard of, other than the claims that it resided in abundance in red light districts. Let me quickly add that, despite your inability to read signs, from what I have gleaned through talking to you, I think your emotional side is more evolved than many men I have met.”

  Christian smiled at Petrea, delighted that, firstly, he did not blush, and secondly that she choose to flatter him. Perhaps he was evolving, he thought.

  “I take it that’s one of those prosecutorial things that you do to maintain the interest of the defence or distract their thinking?”