Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  Weird, could not even begin to describe what I felt sitting in a restaurant, in broad daylight no less, eating a meal with Caelan Gregory. We didn’t talk very much. I think we both felt extremely awkward. So far, our entire relationship had pretty much taken place behind closed doors.

  On our way back home, I spotted something in one of the many stores and forced him to wait outside while I went in. Once I had the item purchased, I walked back outside and handed him the bag. He raised it in question and shook it. “What is this for?”

  “It’s a gift,” I smiled, swaying back and forth.

  “A gift? For what? Are we celebrating something?”

  “No,” I laughed. “I saw it,” I pointed to the store behind us, “and knew you had to have it.”

  “Oh,” he murmured as we started walking once more. “Can I open it?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “You know,” he said, reaching into the bag, “I can’t remember the last time someone gave me a gift.”

  I frowned. “Well, you’re getting one now.”

  He pulled the item out of the bag and unwrapped the tissue paper.

  He stared down at the doll in his hand, reading the inscription. Finished, he looked at me with a playful smile. “A Dammit Doll? Really, Sutton?”

  I shrugged innocently. “It seemed fitting. When you get mad, just take it out on this and not…”

  “You? Someone else?” He bowed his head in shame, and I was sure he remembered all the times he lost his cool with me.

  “It’s just a joke,” I shrugged. “Please, don’t take it to mean anything else. Honestly.”

  He forced a smile, swallowing thickly. “Thanks,” he muttered, putting it back in the plastic bag.

  I suddenly felt unsure of my gift and hoped I hadn’t upset him. I’d meant it to be funny.

  In the stairway of the apartment, I grabbed his hand and stopped him.

  “What?” He snapped, his voice gruff.

  Yeah, I soooo shouldn’t have gotten that stupid doll.

  “There’s something I want to do.”

  A smirk slowly lifted his lips as he looked around. “You want to have sex here?”

  “No,” I laughed, shaking my head.

  “Okay, what?”

  “Well…” I paused, glancing down in embarrassment. “I’ve…uh…always wanted to…okay, this is going to sound really silly,” I blushed.

  He chuckled, leaning back against the wall. “Spit it out.”

  I suddenly couldn’t get the words out of my mouth because it was so stupid. I guess since my childhood wasn’t much of one, I felt the need to rebel now and do things unbefitting of my age, but I didn’t care.

  “I’ll show you.”

  I jogged up the rest of the stairs and he followed. I headed for the door that marked the pathway to the roof.

  With everything that had transpired in the last twenty-four hours, I needed the whole world to know that I was happy. I didn’t know how long this joy would last, so I wanted to revel in it for as long as possible.

  “Sutton, what—”

  My scream cut off the rest of his words.

  I twirled around, whooping with joy, because I was finally free.

  Caelan laughed, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets, rocking back on his heels.

  I screamed again and again and again. My hair swirled around me, with my movement, and with the wind. The cool air tickled my skin and the sun warmed my face—two contrasting things, working together as one.

  For so long I’d been ashamed of what happened to me, somehow twisting it in my mind so that I believed it was my fault—that I had asked for it or something. Marcus was good at manipulating people. He’d convinced me to keep quiet, instilling fear into every fiber of my being. He had everyone else fooled too. Anyone that met him thought he was an upstanding citizen. In school he’d made the best grades, went to the best college, and now worked as a…wait for it…teacher. The man that had single-handedly destroyed my life, was now guiding our youth. Lovely. No one, except me, could see the darkness that lurked inside him. While everyone has a little bit of bad in them, Marcus was pure evil.

  I let out a squeal when Caelan’s hand snaked around my waist. Then he did something that completely surprised me.

  He began to dance and scream with me.

  I knew this moment would be stored in my mind forever as one of my favorite memories.

  Eventually we stopped screaming like banshees and he held me. He wrapped both his arms around me and the comfort I was filled with was unparalleled. I hadn’t felt safe in a long time, and Caelan gave that back to me.

  CHAPTER 19

  Sutton

  Hours later, and before I had to go to work, we sat on the ledge of the roof. A wine bottle sat between us, one which we took turns drinking from, and a cigarette dangled from Caelan’s fingers. I guessed he was trying to stay away from the harder stuff, and this was his compromise.

  Taking a sip of the wine, I ventured to ask, “Have you been back?”

  “Huh?” He questioned, flicking the ash from the tip of the cigarette over the side of the building.

  “Back to your house where…where it happened?”

  “No,” he let out a laugh that was anything but pleasant. “Absolutely not. I don’t think I can ever set foot in that house.”

  “Does someone else own it now?”

  “It was left to me, but I haven’t been able to part with it. Dumb, I know,” he shrugged, taking a drag from the cigarette, causing his cheeks to hollow. “I should sell it, but I can’t. Doing that feels wrong somehow.”

  “I think it makes complete sense,” I said and meant it. “It’s a part of your life. It’s where you grew up. It’s normal not to want to part with things that hold a special place in our hearts.”

  “You think so?”

  “I know so,” I nodded, taking another drink. I needed to pace myself before I ended up drunk and had to go to work. God, I hoped I was working with Emery tonight. I didn’t think I could tolerate Angela. Gathering my thoughts back to the topic at hand, I said, “I do think it might be healing for you if you went back.”

  He swiveled to face me, his eyes full of anger. “Are you fucking crazy? I can’t go back there!”

  “Hey,” I raised my hands in surrender, “don’t get mad. It was merely a suggestion.”

  His face softened and he mumbled an apology under his breath.

  I hoped he wasn’t terribly mad at me for bringing it up, but I really did think it would help to move on if he went back. He needed to come to that realization on his own, though. I only hoped the seed had been planted and it grew.

  I circled my legs back around, so that they weren’t dangling off the side of the building anymore. I grabbed the bottle of wine and swung it between my fingers, a little bit spilling on the ground. “I have to get ready for work,” I told him.

  He flicked the cigarette over the side of the building, watching it fall. “Okay.”

  I thought maybe he’d tell me that he wanted me to come to his apartment when I got home, but he said nothing. That was Caelan though, and I didn’t take it personally.

  “I’ll see you later, Gregory!” I called as I left.

  He didn’t say anything. He didn’t even turn to watch me leave.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Caelan

  I heard the door leading back into the building click close behind her. I knew I should’ve said something more to her besides ‘okay’. At least a goodbye. But I’d been unable to utter anything.

  I kept replaying what she suggested—going back to my childhood home.

  Would it be good for me? Could I do it? Or would it send me into an even bigger downward spiral?

  I was really sick of questioning everything. What happened to living?

  I reached over for the wine bottle and found it gone. Damn, Sutton.

  Time for another cigarette then.

  As the end of it glowed orange, I stared down at the street
below. While it had been dark for hours, the street below was bright with the glow of the handy dandy old-fashioned looking street-lights.

  You know, I think I’d been numb for so long—thanks to drugs and alcohol, and my own ability to block any feelings I didn’t want to have—that I didn’t know how to function like a normal human being anymore.

  I rubbed at my chest, where my broken heart resided.

  Looking below, I saw Sutton dart out of the building. Her dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and her bag thumped at her side.

  I loved her, I did, but I also knew my love was flawed and it would never be enough. It wasn’t the love she deserved either. She needed someone that would put her first, and I was smart enough to know that I wasn’t that guy. I knew if I was a good person I’d cut her loose right now, instead of dragging this out further. But I wasn’t a good person. I was selfish, and that was why I wanted her for as long as I could have her.

  I took a deep breath and blew it out. It fogged in the air, and I watched the random shapes swirl around before eventually disappearing. I wished I could disappear like that—float away and cease to exist. Life fucking sucked, and more often than not, I didn’t want to live. But my heart kept beating, because it was the exact kind of punishment I deserved. Those that die were the lucky ones, because Earth was a pretty shitty place.

  I jumped when the ashes of the cigarette burned my fingers. I’d completely forgotten about it.

  I let it fall, joining the countless others that littered the street.

  I shivered from the cold air, but I didn’t go inside. Not yet. The chilly night provided a much needed clarity.

  Kicking my legs back and forth I forced myself to remember something besides the pain of after. It was hard, but the memories were there. I reached out, grasping on to the thin tendrils, and pulled.

  “Mommy! Can I stir the batter?” I begged.

  “No, it’s Cayla’s turn, you know that.”

  “But—”

  “Stop frowning,” she warned. “You did it last time.”

  I glared at my little sister, sitting atop the counter, clapping her chubby hands together. Her blonde curls bounced with the movement. “I hate having a little sister.”

  “Oh, don’t say that, Cael. You know you love her, and one day you’ll be so thankful that you have a sibling.”

  “Whatever,” I grumbled, crossing my arms over my chest. My mommy glared at me, warning me to check my attitude. “Besides,” I continued, “she’s too little! She won’t stir it right!”

  “Caelan Reese Gregory!” She yelled. “You need to be nice. It’ll be your turn next time.”

  I glared over at my little sister. I hated her. I didn’t know why my mommy and daddy thought they needed another baby. Wasn’t I good enough?

  And then Cayla pushed the bowl closer to me. “Cael, stir!” She yelled in her garbled baby talk.

  “No, sweetie, it’s your turn,” mommy told her, rubbing her fingers through Cayla’s hair.

  “Cael!” Cayla shouted again.

  I smiled. “Can we do it together?”

  Mommy nodded. “That would be okay.”

  I climbed up on the counter and Cayla and I stirred the batter together. Maybe she wasn’t that bad. In fact, I kind of liked her.

  The memory melted away and another quickly replaced it.

  “Come on, Cael! You can do better than that!” My dad yelled when I dropped the football again. His smile cut out the bite his words could’ve had.

  “I’m too short,” I pouted.

  “Aw, kid, you’ll grow. Besides,” he crouched in front of me, ruffling my hair, “Our size has no effect on the person we become. You can accomplish anything if you believe you can and you love what you do,” he poked my heart.

  “I really do love football,” I said, my voice small.

  “I know you do, Cael. Practice makes perfect. If we practice every night, you’ll be surprised at how good you get.”

  “Really?” My eyes lit up. My dad never lied. If he said practice would make me better, then it would.

  “Really.”

  A smile lifted my lips at the memories. God, I missed them. I yearned for them every day. I realized that grief never really went away. It may shift and recede, like the tides of the ocean, but it was always there. It became a part of you.

  “So,” Cayla bounced on my bed, smiling giddily, “I have a boyfriend.”

  I stopped in my tracks by my dresser where I’d been looking for a shirt.

  I turned around, facing my fifteen-year-old sister. “No way! You’re too young!”

  “Jesus, Cael,” she rolled her eyes, “You had a girlfriend when you were thirteen, chillax.”

  “You’re my baby sister, I will not chillax,” I mimed her tone.

  “I thought you’d be happy for me,” she stood from my bed, starting towards the Jack and Jill bathroom that connected our bedrooms. “Guess I was wrong.”

  “Yeah, you were wrong. You’re a little kid!”

  She stopped in the doorway and turned abruptly to glare at me. “I’m not a little kid. Stop treating me like one. If it was left up to you, I’d never date and die a virgin!”

  My eyes threatened to bug out of my bed. “Cayla!”

  She slammed the door closed between us, and a second later I heard the lock click into place.

  I knew I needed to back off. She was getting older. But I was her big brother, and I felt like I needed to protect her.

  When the memory faded into the recesses of my mind once more, dampness clung to my cheeks. For years I’d been protecting Cayla from everything. Back then I had a major case of hero-complex. But on the night she and my parent’s needed me most, I was gone out having fun and partying the night away.

  Sutton was right. I needed to go back. I wouldn’t be able to move on until I did. I hoped she would go with me. I knew I couldn’t do it by myself.

  The thought of stepping foot into that house once more sent my mind into a frenzy.

  I knew the only thing that could calm me.

  I headed inside in search of my undoing.

  When I found what I craved I sat down on the couch and went through the motions. I’d done it so often that it was now second nature. The needle slid into my vein and the numbness soon settled over me like a cloud. As everything faded around me I smiled to myself. This was the best feeling in the world. I didn’t have to think. Or feel. Or hurt. I simply existed.

  CHAPTER 20

  Sutton

  Work was pretty uneventful.

  Up until Memphis walked through the doors.

  I would’ve thought after our last conversation he’d do everything he could to avoid this place. I was so very wrong.

  I wanted to crouch down and hide behind the counter, but it was too late. The shop was lit up and he had to have seen me through the windows.

  An endless chant of, Fuck, this is not good, circled through my mind.

  I was trapped with nowhere to go, and of course Emery was in the back. The rascal always seemed to know when to hide.

  Memphis stepped up to the counter and tilted his head to study me. “You look good.”

  “Ha!” I laughed. “Hardly.” My hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, I had on the bare minimum of makeup, and I certainly wasn’t dressed up.

  “I’m serious.”

  “And you’re a liar,” I countered.

  “I’d never lie to you, Sutton,” he winked. “Just a coffee,” he finally ordered, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket.

  As I rang it up, I forced myself to say something instead of standing there like an idiot. I wouldn’t let Memphis rattle me. No one else could, so he shouldn’t have that power over me either.

  “Late night working?” I ventured to ask. That sounded casual, right? I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

  He nodded. “Yeah, and then after we closed I found myself wandering around. Somehow I ended up here,” he shrugged.

  “It’s th
e coffee,” I winked, fixing his cup. “Best in town. Your nose couldn’t resist.”

  “It’s not the coffee,” he said, running his fingers through his copper colored hair so that it no longer hid his eyes.

  “I assure you, it’s the coffee.” My tone wasn’t very nice as I slid the coffee cup across the counter.

  “Whatever makes you feel better,” he muttered under his breath.

  He took the coffee and left.

  While he was there I hadn’t noticed how my heart rate spiked and how sweat was sprinkled across my forehead. But I was aware of it now. I didn’t understand my reaction. Not one to over analyze, I pushed it out of my mind.

  For now.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  There was a homeless person sleeping outside my door.

  Okay, upon closer inspection it was Caelan, but still.

  I crouched down to wake him and found him unresponsive.

  “Caelan?” I shook his shoulder as roughly as I could. “Caelan? Wake up!” Desperation laced my voice. I grew frantic, shaking him and slapping his cheeks in the hopes of getting a reaction. “Caelan! Please wake up!”

  Eventually he uttered a groan and relief filled me. I’d feared he was dead. Puke stained his clothes, clung to his lips, and his skin had taken on a sickly grayish pallor.

  I knew I needed to get him into my apartment and cleaned up, but I couldn’t move him on my own.

  That left two options.

  Cyrus and Frankie.

  With Cyrus, I’d risk him hitting on me.

  With Frankie, I’d risk the wrath of Jen.

  I didn’t wait long to make a decision.

  “Really, love?” Cyrus asked, his hair sticking up wildly around his head—the pieces that were once an electric green were now blue. “It’s…” He pretended to look at a watch, but his wrist was bare, “too fucking early in the morning for a wake up call…unless,” he smiled cockily, “you’d like to join me in bed.”

  “Stop acting British,” I hissed with irritation. “And I will never in a million years get in your bed. I need help getting him into my apartment.”

  Cyrus took one look at Caelan’s form and said, “No.”

  He started to close the door, but I inserted my foot so that it wouldn’t latch.