Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  He cleared his throat. “Caelan, might be gone, but you don’t have to raise this baby by yourself.”

  “Are you proposing marriage?” I kept a straight face, even though I meant the question as a joke.

  Memphis paled and then laughed. “As much as I’d like to marry you someday, I have feeling if I asked you right this second, they’d end up carrying me out of here in a body bag.”

  “You’ve got that right,” I smiled. Tugging my hair over my shoulder, I let out a sigh. “I know this isn’t a bad thing unless I make it that way. But this is a human being we’re talking about. I can keep myself alive, and my cat, but a baby? I’m not good with kids!” I cried. “The moment they start screaming I’m done and hand them back to their parents. I can’t do that if it’s my kid!” My hand went to my flat stomach and I rubbed it absentmindedly. “I want my baby, so please don’t doubt me there, but I’m not sure I can do this.”

  “You can and you will,” he assured me.

  I wished I had as much faith in myself as he had in me.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Memphis dropped me off at the apartment and headed to work. Once inside, I grabbed a piece of paper, a pen, and began to compose my second letter.

  Since the first had been sent back, it was probably a stupid idea to try to send another, but I didn’t have any other options at this point. Also, I found writing to him to be therapeutic and cleansing. Even if he didn’t read it, I’d feel better.

  Dear Caelan,

  The first letter I wrote to you was sent back to me. Unopened. I don’t know whether you never got it, or if you simply didn’t want to read it. I was mad at first, but since things are over between us I have no real reason to even talk to you. I know it would be best for me to move on and forget you. I’m trying, even though I don’t want to. I’m beginning to realize, that when I move on (and I say when, because I won’t pine for you forever Caelan Gregory) I’ll always love you. You hold a special place in my heart. That kind of love doesn’t go away.

  But that’s not why I’m writing you this letter.

  I went to the doctor today. I’m not sick, but I am pregnant. I don’t know how this happened, but I can’t bring myself to be mad. I’m scared out of my mind, but I’m not mad.

  Our love may have ended, but it lives on in our baby.

  I hope you’re getting better.

  I miss you.

  Love,

  Sutton

  I read through the letter three or four times before I slipped it inside an envelope. I addressed it and stuck a stamp in the corner so that it would be ready to mail in the morning.

  Banging across the hall had me sitting up straight.

  My heart went in to overdrive as my ears focused on the sounds. Someone was definitely in Caelan’s apartment. Was he back? Had he not been able to cope with rehab? Was that why my letter was sent back?

  I forced the questions from my mind and ran to the door. It swung open and I gazed across the hall. I hoped to see Caelan, but of course it wasn’t him. I wasn’t that lucky.

  The sight that met me only served to shatter my broken heart further.

  The door to Caelan’s apartment was propped open with a box. Inside, I saw Kyle with more boxes, packing Cael’s stuff away.

  He wasn’t coming back.

  He needed to start fresh and that hurt. When he got out of rehab I wouldn’t get to see him and I wouldn’t know where he was going.

  We’re all wrong for each other. Caelan’s words echoed through my skull. I have to say goodbye to you. I’ll be gone for a while and even once I’m out, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough for this. He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough for me was what he really meant.

  “Hi, Kyle,” I whispered. He didn’t hear me. “Kyle,” I repeated his name louder.

  He looked over his shoulder and saw me. “Hey, Sutton,” he smiled, but it was forced. He stopped packing the boxes as I slowly made my way into the apartment.

  “What are you doing?” My question was unnecessary, but I felt the need to ask it anyway.

  He put his hands on his hips and tilted his head slightly to the side. The look he gave me said, do you really want to know? My answer was, of course, yes.

  “Cael is going to move in with me once he gets out of rehab. He has a minimum of two months left, but I thought I’d go ahead and get his stuff cleared out.” He shrugged, looking at the ground. This was awkward for the both of us. It was clear he knew that Caelan and I were no more. But had there ever really been an us to begin with? “How have you been?” He asked, trying to remain casual.

  “Busy,” I mumbled. No way was I telling him about the baby.

  I looked around at the canvases, paintbrushes, and other random items littering the space. Soon they’d be gone and this place would be empty until someone else came along. It was really hitting me that I was never going to see him again. I wouldn’t get to talk to him or see him smile. I would never argue with him again, or have the chance to piss him off by making too much noise. It was really and truly over. I had to accept that and move on with my life. Caelan was right when he told me not to wait for him. We were a dysfunctional, chaotic mess and I loved every second of every moment we shared. But chaos didn’t last. Eventually it disappeared like dust in the wind and ceased to exist…just like us.

  CHAPTER 31

  Caelan

  “You’re making good progress,” Alex commented, looking over his notes.

  I didn’t need him to tell me that. I knew I was. Things had changed for me once I opened up that day over a month ago at the picnic tables. It had been quite the eye-opener for me. For far too long I’d pitied myself, but these people didn’t. They were all experiencing the same things. They didn’t offer condolences or hugs. They listened and moved on.

  “You know,” he cleared his throat, “in two weeks you’ll have been here for ninety days. You’re not required to stay past that, unless you want to.”

  “I know,” I nodded. “I think I’m ready to go home.”

  Although, I really didn’t have a home anymore. When I’d last saw Kyle in the hospital we’d discussed it and both agreed it would be best if I terminated my rent agreement at my place and moved in with him. I needed someone to keep an eye on me. Basically, Kyle was going to be my glorified babysitter so that I didn’t do something stupid.

  “I’m happy to hear that,” Alex smiled. Leaning forward, he asked, “You remember our first private session?”

  I nodded.

  “I asked you to focus on a goal for when you got out of here.”

  I nodded again.

  “Would you mind sharing that goal with me?”

  “Uh…” I didn’t see why not, so I forged ahead. “I want to own my own art gallery. I want to be able to display my own art, as well as other locals, and maybe offer classes to children and adults that are interested.”

  Alex’s smile widened further. “I’m proud of you, Caelan. You’ve done an exceptional job here. At first, I thought you were going to be one of my hardest patients but you’ve really been a breeze.”

  I rested my elbows on the arms of the chair I sat in. “I realized that I was constantly making everything about me. I was acting like my problems were worse than everyone else’s and that’s not true.”

  “I think you have a very good goal for yourself, but if it doesn’t work out, you should consider being a therapist.”

  I snorted at that. Me? A therapist? He was definitely crazy.

  “Yeah, so not happening doc.”

  “Well,” he chuckled, “it was worth a shot.”

  We spent the rest of the time talking about what I wanted to do on the outside—see, prison talk—and he told me if I ever felt myself slipping to never hesitate to call him day or night. I took the business card he handed me but I didn’t intend to use it. I felt great—not healed or anything, but like a normal human being. The hurt and aching was still there, I think it always would be, but I didn’t feel the need to make it g
o away. Feeling was a part of being human. Trying to mask your emotions was a dangerous thing.

  “I’ll see you again soon,” Alex said as my time was up. I left quickly, but I wasn’t desperate to escape Alex’s company. While, initially, he’d pissed me off I’d quickly learned that he really was on my side and having gone through this same stuff I could confide in him. Talking to people that could relate was a gift. I’d fought hard against going to rehab before, but I was glad I’d done it. I knew a part of me would probably always ache for the drugs and alcohol—probably the alcohol even more so, since it was much easier to acquire—but I could make the choice to stay away. Saying ‘no’ was a powerful thing, even when it was yourself you were denying.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Sutton

  “Are you two dating?”

  My eyes threatened to bug out of my head at Daphne’s question. Memphis chuckled beside me and Emery grinned from the other side of the table.

  “I hate to inform you, Daphne, but she doesn’t like me like that.” Memphis stretched his arm across the back of the booth.

  I laughed and shifted my head to look at him. “Who’s saying I don’t? And, in case you forgot, I’m kinda pregnant and last time I checked you weren’t the father.”

  “Doesn’t mean you can’t date,” he countered, smiling widely.

  “That would be fucking weird,” I mumbled.

  “You’ve got the arguing like an old married couple down pat,” Emery interrupted.

  While things with Memphis had been friendly lately, and he made his attraction clear, it just felt strange. What could he possibly see in me? I’d pushed him away and now I was having a baby. What sane male wants that kind of baggage?

  “I don’t see what would be weird about it,” Memphis addressed my previous comment. “It’s not like I’ve recently developed feelings for you. I’ve known you for over six months now. It’s not like I have some disturbing fetish you should worry about.”

  “Like wanting to bang a pregnant woman?” I asked.

  He had been taking a sip of his soda and it sprayed out of his mouth across the table at my question. He coughed and tried to regain his breath. “You’re something else,” he told me once he’d regained his breath.

  Smiling, I chirped, “I know.”

  Memphis wasn’t staying with me anymore, but we did hang out a lot. I enjoyed his company and it was nice not being alone. He didn’t pressure me for more, even though I knew he wanted it. He was waiting for me to make the first move. While the desire was there, I was scared. My feelings for Caelan hadn’t disappeared—they never would—and I was pregnant. To have a relationship with Memphis seemed wrong. I felt like I’d hold him back from bigger and better things. Did he really want to handle a baby and me? And what if things between us ended a few years down the road and it hurt my child too? It was a lot to consider, but I also knew I couldn’t let fear hold me back.

  I hadn’t said anything to Memphis about Marcus yet, but I knew I needed to. Now that I was having a baby, I definitely needed to get a restraining order filed against him. I didn’t only have myself to worry about anymore. I wouldn’t let that psycho fucker mess with my baby. Toying with my bottom lip I watched Memphis from the corner of my eye. I needed to tell him. Daphne and Emery too. They’d all been far too good to me and I was harboring secrets. It wasn’t right. For my wellbeing I needed to get it out in the open. Caelan had helped me to see that I wasn’t ruined because of it. Still, it was something that was hard to talk about.

  As they all chatted away about randomness, I gave myself a silent pep talk.

  When I was ready, I said, “Guys, there’s something I need to tell you. I know I should’ve told you a long time ago, but this is hard for me to talk about.” And there came the damn tears. Go away, tears! I don’t want to cry! “I know you were all shocked about me…well…you know…trying to kill myself,” I muttered. “But I had my reasons.” They all grew quiet and sat with rapt attention as I recanted the story from the very beginning. It was hard to force the words out, but I did it. When I finished, Memphis punched the table and walked out of the restaurant. I was hurt by his reaction but I tried not to show it. When he didn’t return a crying Daphne and worried Emery urged me to go after him.

  I slid out of the booth and headed outside. I found him at the side of the building. His hands were braced against the stone surface of the restaurant wall and his head was bowed so he didn’t see me approach.

  “Memphis?” I said his name cautiously like he was a wild animal that might attack me.

  Upon hearing his name he turned to face me. His eyes were red rimmed and he scrubbed a hand over his face in the hopes of hiding the depths of his emotions.

  “Are you okay?” I took a hesitant step closer.

  “Am I okay?” His look was incredulous. “Are you seriously asking me that right now?” I opened my mouth to respond, but he barreled on. “I should be asking you that. I knew something had to have happened to push you over the edge but I never guessed that. Then, for you to say that he showed up at your fucking door?!” I startled at his language and raised tone. Memphis was the guy that was always calm, cool, and collected so to see him lose it like that was a bit disconcerting. I mean, I guess I should have expected it, but I didn’t. “I can’t stand the thought of anyone laying their hands on you like that.” His fists clenched at his sides and his jaw flexed. “It’s not okay. He needs to be sent to prison for what he did to you.”

  I shook my head. “That may be true, but it’s too late for that. The only thing I can do now is make sure he can’t hurt me again or the baby.”

  “He’s never getting near you ever again!” Memphis shoved a finger in my direction to drive home his point. “That’s it,” he paced back and forth, “I’m moving in with you.”

  I rolled my eyes at his dramatics and in a calm tone said, “Didn’t you already try to do that? I finally got rid of you,” I laughed so it took away any possible harshness my words may have had, “you don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine.”

  “I worry about you because I care. I can’t just stop my feelings for you. God,” he shook his head, “you get under my skin like no one else can.” He closed the distance between us in a few long strides. His breath left him in heavy gusts. He was clearly worked up and nothing I said seemed to calm him. His movements were quick and I didn’t realize what he was about to do until it was too late.

  His large hands covered my cheeks and he tipped my head back slightly as he covered my mouth with his. This kiss seared me straight down to my very toes. I’d kissed Memphis before, but it was nothing like this. This was a kiss. That day, so many months ago when I’d burst into the restaurant and kissed him…yeah, this is what I’d been trying to feel then. It was like the kiss brought all my feelings flooding to the surface and my God, I realized I’d been falling for Memphis for a long time—even when I’d been with Caelan. Emery’s words from so long ago echoed in my head, “I don’t need to play matchmaker when fate will do the work for me.”

  He was right.

  I’d denied it at first, but fate was definitely at work here. I might’ve fallen in love with Caelan first, and needed him to heal the parts of me that were too dark for others to see, but Memphis was the one my heart belonged to. I’d never believed in soul mates or fate like Emery, but in this moment I believed there was definitely some cosmic force at work that made sure I stood here right now kissing this man.

  My mouth opened beneath his and his tongue slipped inside. A soft, light moan escaped me and he growled low in his throat in response.

  My body curled against his and he wrapped his arms around me in a protective embrace. His warmth surrounded me like the heat of a sunny day. Memphis was magnetic and I couldn’t help but be drawn to him. He was the kind of guy all girls dreamed of finding—but circumstances, like my epic fuckedupness, had kept us from being together when we met.

  We were getting a second chance, and I was ready to embrace it. No more ru
nning. No more hiding.

  Memphis broke the kiss. He breathed deeply and couldn’t hide the smile on his face. “Did you feel that?” He grinned as he asked the question.

  I knew what he meant. Did I feel the rightness of us? “Yes.”

  His smile widened impossibly further, his dimples showing in both cheeks. He kissed me again, this time it was a simple quick brush of his lips, but it was enough to leave me shaking.

  “I know you probably have a lot of concerns,” he looked meaningfully down at my stomach, “but I want you to know, that wherever we end up I will love your baby like it’s my own. It doesn’t matter to me. This isn’t a burden you need to worry about scaring me away. It’ll take a lot more than that,” he chuckled. He cradled my cheek in one hand and I let myself lean in to his touch. A huge part of me was screaming that this was too fast, but it wasn’t like I was declaring love or jumping into bed with him. Memphis knew I needed slow and he wouldn’t push me, I knew that. Holding back a laugh, he questioned, “Does this mean you’ll stop pushing me away now?”

  I laughed at that, bowing my head slightly to hide my smile, but he forced my chin up so that I couldn’t conceal myself from him. “I guess so.”

  “That’s better than no.” His gray eyes met mine and there was so much happiness reflected in their depths that I couldn’t help but smile.

  “This doesn’t mean we’re dating, though,” I warned him.

  “Are we pre-dating then?” He quipped.

  “Uh…I guess so,” I laughed—the sound so light and genuine that it surprised me.

  “I don’t want to ruin the moment,” his hands fell to my waist, “but I want you to know that I understand you’re still struggling with what happened between you and Caelan, and of course the Marcus thing as well. I think I’ve proved that I care about you and I’m here for you. If you need to talk or a shoulder to cry on, I’m your guy,” he chuckled. “I know you’ve been keeping a lot of stuff in like the letters—”