My Boyfriend is a Monster

by Coates, J. H.

  “No Mam, I’m actually opening a book store.”

  “Book store huh?”

  “Yes mam, I’m having a shipment.” He cringed. “That is to say my brothers are delivering some of my books today.”

  Smiling she folded the check and tucked it in to her dress pocket. “I’ll think we’ll get along just fine Nathan,” she said taking him by the arm. “Book store you say.”

  “I specialize in used and rare books. I’m hoping to open at the end of next week . . . if my brothers ever get here with my -”

  “Shipment,” Florida chuckled. “Nice young man like you, successful business and money,” she said patting her pocket holding the check. Pausing for a moment she decided it was as good as time as any and asked. “I know you’re not married, you said so, but no girlfriend moving in?”

  “No girlfriend, just me.”

  Adding a huge invisible check mark she gave him a big visible smile. “Maybe I should put myself on the market,” she said widening her eyes. Waiting until Nathan started to look really uncomfortable she started to snicker. Nathan joined her nervously.

  “Your making me blush Ms. Johnson.”

  “Honey if I was thirty years younger I’d be making you do more than blush,” she said slapping his arm and erupting boisterously. Walking to the door she handed him a key. “Come on down stairs and we’ll start the paper work, get you a mail box key and security code for the doors.”

  “Alright” he said holding the door open for her.

  Walking down the short hall she thought if her list was real she would of ran out of room to put check marks. Starting down the stairs she moaned and complained with each step. “You’d think this would be easier going down.”

  THREE: Imagination

  After finishing up with Ms. Johnson he left his new building and headed down the street. It was still sparse on the sidewalks but the streets were starting to get busy and he knew in another ten-fifteen minutes it would be packed. Busier than it ever was on the Amalfi Coast, he thought. But he didn’t think it would be so bad and that he was just sulking. He lived here before and although that was some time ago he had always loved Chicago. Rounding the corner he came to his shop where his sign was already hanging above the window in large colorful letters, ‘Imagination’. There it is, he thought with a smile, it was done quickly and exactly as he specified. Unlocking the door he entered still smelling the fresh paint. Thinking it was funny how his book store landlord did not seem to question where his money came from and instead offered to do all the renovations to spec as insurance for him to take the place. But Nathan politely refused since what would take a few men a week took him a casual night.

  Walking through the store looking past the work that still needed to be done he felt happy with his layout, a beautiful counter area, small sitting area and tons of shelving. Taking his jacket off and unbuttoning another button on his shirt he gently touched the wall to see if the paint had dried, it had. “Great, can’t even sit here and watch the paint dry,” he said looking at the empty shelves. What a shame, he pondered while recalling all the books he had to leave back in Italy.

  Knowing Yaroslav did not report back to Marcus he knew it wouldn’t be long before someone would be in Amalfi investigating the lack of communication. Taking the rest of those hours to burn the old Ukrainian on the rocks looking east pretty much cost him any time he had to set up an elaborate plan to ship his books without being traced. Pressed for time and without the guise of night he had time for a tea, a phone call and a second phone call setting off a chain reaction of forty seven flights booked for forty seven men going all over the world. Not knowing who Marcus sent Nathan smirked at the thought of their face when they finally figured out they had forty seven new start points in their investigation.

  He had enough books stored away to fill a hundred stores but it still hurt losing them. Especially ones signed by the author themselves and some dating back to the mid 1800’s. He loved reading and it did not matter to him what the genre was, he read horror, thrillers, romance, how to, mysteries even children’s books. Some of his favorites were books considered for children, from Treasure Island to Harry Potter. If a book was good it was just simply a good book. When a book came out and he liked it he would buy ten to twenty copies and hide them like a squirrel hides nuts all over the place. He even fell in love with his E-book reader, leaving over thirty thousand books back in Italy he could at least pull any one of them up on his E-reader. His only problem was that it took him less than an hour to read a four hundred page book. Chuckling he remembered how excited he was when Stephen King rereleased ‘The Stand’ in the 90’s in a complete and uncut edition; the 1200 page book took him just over three hours to read. Books like that were far and few between and the greats like War and Peace and Poor Fellow My Country were even fewer. He looked around his empty store and sighed. “Wish I had a book to read now.” Nathan smiled going to his jacket and hoping he had his e-reader on him but patting it down he sighed realizing he did not.

  CHAPTER 4

  ONE: Oh Brothers Where Art Thou

  Half way across the city an old cube van was creeping down the street in the early hours of the morning. Inside Louis sat in the passenger seat rocking back and forth fidgeting with the seatbelt. Bo, a monster of a man who kept both hands on 10 and 2 was driving cautiously while constantly looking in his mirrors and checking his blind spots. “I think we’re getting close now,” said the behemoth behind the wheel, reading the intersection as they went through the lights.

  “Thank da Christ,” Louis said with his Cajun accent.

  “Sure are a lot of books,” Bo said referring to the cargo.

  It was true. The van was stuffed with Nathan’s books that were handpicked and put into special climate controlled storage on top of the extra individual care. Less valuable books were being delivered by regular delivery services but these rare treasures were being hand delivered by his brothers.

  Already amused with his reply Louis started to chuckle. “Too bad not a pop-up book in da lot of dem.”

  The giant in the driver’s seat took a deep breath and exhaled trying to manage his anger. “You sure are funny Louis. Yes sir, funny, funny, funny.”

  The Cajun began to laugh. “You know I joke Bo-Bo”

  “Funny man” the big man repeated with his deep voice and forced smile. Continuing slowly along the street the van was letting the delivery trucks and early commuters pass them. Ignoring the honking and suggestions, some of which he had no intention of doing to himself or to his mother, Bo just let them pass angrily. Seeing the lights go yellow he slowed down and came to a stop when most cars would of went through.

  A voice yelled from behind them. “Learn how to fucking drive.”

  “That’s just rude. Nothing wrong with being cautious,” Bo said.

  “There’s cautious and there’s driving in a coma.”

  “Go back to Hoboken ya moron,” the same voice yelled out again.

  Bo turned to Louis confused, “Were not from Hoboken.”

  Sticking his head back out the window Louis tried to see if he could see the man yelling. Thinking about it he answered Bo. “I think it’s a town in Jersey.”

  They didn’t notice the light had turned green and the voice from behind them reappeared. “Hey asshole, it’s green.”

  “That’s it!” Bo exclaimed unbuckling his belt.

  Clapping his hands smiling ear to ear Louis waited so he could jump in his brother’s seat and get a better view. Getting out of the truck the giant slammed the door behind him sounding like it might have bent the frame a bit. Popping out of the window Louis hung happily with a great view. The man who had been doing all the yelling watched as a giant who stood at least seven feet tall and weighed in the neighborhood of four hundred pounds walked towards him in a mood that didn’t look the least bit friendly. Spontaneously flexing on their own Bo’s plain blue t-shirt seemed to defy physics as his muscles bulged sporadically underneath. Watching as the
giant got closer the man in the car didn’t know if the large vein pulsating on the giant’s forehead made him look scarier or more determined and then wondered if it made a difference.

  “Holy shit!” he said from inside his little yellow car that seemed to be getting smaller.

  Getting to the window Bo seemed to block out the newly risen sun creating a manmade eclipse. Bending down to meet the driver face to face his brows were slanted and the vain on his forehead seemed much bigger this close up. Looking forward the man tried to avoid eye contact but couldn’t help but peek to confirm the immenseness in his window.

  “Now,” Bo’s deep raspy voice introduced terrifyingly. “I don’t think that was very nice,” he said expecting a response.

  Shaking his head the man in the car agreed with enthusiasm.

  “Now I’m not from around here see. I’m looking for my little brother’s book store to drop of those there books,” he said pointing to the van as if the man in the car should have already known that there are books in it. Pausing for a moment his entire demeanor changed suddenly. “Do you know where my brother’s book store is? It’s called Imagination.”

  Offering the gargantuan in his window a sympathetic smile the man just shook his head and mouthed the word “Sorry”.

  “Hmm, you know where Michigan Avenue is?”

  The frightened man nodded.

  “Well,” he said in anticipation.

  “You’re on it.” the man said timidly.

  Bo looked up and down the street then started to laugh. “Well I’ll be a Son of a gun,” he said. Shaking his head he called back to the truck. “Louis, hey Louis I know why I can’t find it . . . were on it.” Chuckling he turned back looking at the three cars that were now lined up behind the yellow one. “Sorry everybody,” he said and waved. One car even waved back, but no one yelled at him. He turned back to the driver in the little yellow car happier than ever. “Well alright then, thank you,” Bo said tapping the roof making a loud hollowing sound. He was about to head back to his van when he remembered one last piece of advice and turned back. “I suggest you be a little friendlier and a tad more patient though,” he said with a ghastly scowl. “Next person you piss off might not be as friendly.” The man nodded feverishly. Later when telling the story of the man who was seven-eight feet tall (if he was a foot) defied all laws of physics. As he would swear he could hear the fabric of the giants shirt fight to stay permanent.

  Returning to the van he pulled himself in making the entire thing rock back and forth. He was laughing just as Louis was but both for different reasons. “We have been on Michigan Avenue this whole time.”

  “I know Cher.”

  Suddenly Bo wasn’t laughing anymore. “What do you mean - you know?”

  “I knew we were on de Michigan Avenue fifteen minutes ago when you turn on it.”

  “Then why did you let me keep looking for it like an idiot?”

  “Because it is funny, you big ape,” he said beginning to laugh again.

  Raising his hands as if he was going to smack him caused Louis to scream. “Not da face - I’m too pretty,” he giggled holding his arms over his face.

  “That’s an ugly quality mister . . . ug-ly,” he said driving through the green light and starting traffic again.

  “Why you call me ugly Bo, I think you are handsome.”

  At first he tried to ignore him but then he couldn’t help it and began smiling. “You really think I’m handsome?”

  “Sure . . .” Louis said getting more comfortable, “For a Gorilla.”

  Bo just shook his head getting angry at himself. “Every time,” he said more upset at himself for walking into it.

  Changing the subject Louis began to chuckle. “Hey that was funny when dat man sees you coming over to him. I bet he shit himself, did it smell like da poop in his car?”

  Distracted from the previous insult Bo started to chuckle as well. “Yeah that was pretty funny . . . and no, it did not smell like - DA poop.”

  “Probably thought you were gonna eat him or something.”

  “Why are people in the city so rude?” Bo asked.

  “You drive like da Ms. Daisy – I honk and yell too.”

  “Ms. Daisy was not driving. She was driven, by a Mr. Morgan Freeman.”

  Louis just rolled his eyes. “Nathan should be on this road coming up.”

  Creeping down the road the truck slowed down to an almost snail like speed. Then an almost full stop . . . until stopped.

  “What da fuck you doing now?”

  “I can see it,” he said pointing to the store with the big sign over top that said ‘Imagination’ up top and a little smaller underneath ‘The Used and Rare Treasures’. “Do we park out front or does he have one of those back entrances?” the massive driver asked.

  “Da only one I know with da back entrance is you.”

  Taken out of the moment Bo’s disappointedly shakes his head. “Really, what is wrong with you?”

  Sitting silently they both stare at each other until Bo finally cracks a smile causing them both to start giggling.

  Trying to spur him on Louis waved his hands in a forward motion. “One way or da odder, you have to push down on da accelerator.”

  “Okay, Okay,” he said and slowly pulled down the street.

  Looking at the front of the store Louis saw that a car was parked up ahead but there was ample room behind it. Bo on the other hand was second guessing himself and not sure if the big truck would fit. “Are you kidding, park da truck in front,” Louis said pointing to the big empty spot in front of them.

  “Might not fit,” he pointed out with anxiety painted all over his face.

  “What you talk about? A 747 could land in dat spot you big Orangutan.”

  “Stop calling me a monkey!” he yelled getting flustered.

  “I didn’t . . . I call you an Orangutan, he da Ape,” Louis said pausing then let out a little quite ape noises (Ooh-Ooh, Eee-Eee).

  Trying not to laugh while being so infuriated the large man asked, “Why you so mean?”

  “Why you so obtuse?” he fired back.

  Gritting his teeth while taking a deep breath causing his nostrils to inflame Bo replied calmly, “I don’t know what that word means . . . but I’m pretty sure it has mean intent, so I’m gonna park this van and kick your ass.”

  Trying to hide his amusement the Cajun pleaded. “I’m sorry Bo-Bo, don’t be angry.”

  “Now shut up while I park the van. You think you can handle shutting up for a minute or two?” he yelled. Cautiously he started to roll into the parking space.

  “Minute or two,” Louis said popping his head out the window to watch them slowly inch forward. “I run home and back before you done.” Popping back into the van he smiled. “You need any-ting from home Big Boy?”

  “You’re not doing a very good job at shutting up,” he said with a fabricated smile.

  “I think you -”

  “I think you need some assistance,” Bo said raising his fist.

  Cowering into the seat Louis just sat quietly looking forward while the van moved slowly forward. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore. “My God Bo-Bo, you dis slow when you make da sweet love to yourself?”

  “That . . .” he started while concentrating on the task at hand, “is private.”

  “Park it like you at da climax part,” Louis said making over exaggerated jerk off actions and ridiculous faces to go with them. “Quick and awkward, oh yes . . . oh yes, yes.”

  “Seriously, what is wrong with you? Did your mama drop you?”

  “YOU,” Louis gasped horrified. “You know she did.”

  Bo began to giggle. “You are a bona fide, certified, idiot.”

  “Big talk for a man who could not even anticipate the right street to turn on,” he said getting in on the giggles. “Do you know what anticipate mean?”

  Suddenly Bo extended his arm and popped Louis right across his face causing him to grab his nose and reel in pain. “OW
E, why you do dat?”

  Bo took a deep breath then mockingly explained like a teacher would a third grader. “I an-ti-ci-pated you needed some assistance.”

  “Damn Bo-Bo, dat hurt like Mr. Son of a bitch.”

  “Mm-Hmm, who’s - my bitch?”

  Suddenly the van hit the curb with a violent thud. Smiling Louis turned to his oversized brother. “I don’t know who your bitch,” he said smugly pointing his thumb out the window. “But you definitely da curbs bitch.” Darting his head back out the window he decided to turn it into a question and answer period. “Why you fucking hit it like dat? Better yet, how fuck you go so slow and still hit da curb?”

  “Don’t be cussing me, you know it just makes me nervous,” Bo said putting it into reverse.

  “If a squirrel fart in da woods it make you nervous.”

  Suddenly Bo Slammed on the brakes causing Louis to lunge forward and whack his forehead off the dash board. Bo turned to him laughing silently in a fit unable to talk.

  Meanwhile Louis checked himself to see if he was bleeding. “I gonna sue you for negligence you big Gorilla,” he said rubbing his forehead. Blinking a couple of times to correct his vision he turned to see that his brother was still laughing silently and fighting to breath. “What so funny?”

  Struggling for air he finally burst. “Squirrel farting - now that’s funny,” he said hitting Louis on the shoulder so hard it sent him sideways bouncing his head off the door frame.

  “Son-bitch,” he painfully yelped. Leaning back he quickly noticed an actual dent and began looking for blood, again.

  “You think it smells like peanuts?” Bo asked sending himself into another fit of waving his arms and kicking at the floor.

  Staring at him in disbelief he turned around hearing tapping on the door. His face turned from bitter disdain to over joy as he burst out of the window with his arms open and ready for a hug from his other brother.

  His other brother was not as over joyed. “Your late, park it around back,” Nathan said walking back into his store without hugging him.