Outcast

by Adrienne Kress

  I wondered if I’d ever just get to be respected for my relationship to me, not to anyone else.

  I didn’t mind hanging out with Gabe and his friends. They were okay people, not bad, not particularly interesting either. I did mind watching Gabe go through almost all the senior girls totally effortlessly, though. He just seemed like two different people sometimes, the friendly guy who cared about me and what happened to me at home, and the player at school.

  Girls liked him because he was hot. They also liked him for the same reason I liked him. He made them feel special. But surely I was actually special. Wasn’t I? Or maybe everyone was special to Gabe.

  I hated how thoughts like that could get to me, just gnaw at me. It was probably for the best that we were in different years, so I didn’t have to be with him all day. That I got some of my own down time away from him. Of course, there were others in my year I still had to contend with.

  “Look what I got from Brett,” said Amber as she sat next to me in study hall. Yes, Amber was still under the impression that we were super close friends even though we didn’t hang out that much. I was surprised she hadn’t sensed how I’d distanced myself from her after the Commune experience. It wasn’t her new religious fervor that got to me. It had more to do with her creepy reverence for her boyfriend’s dad. That just seemed…wrong.

  I glanced up from my notebook and saw she was holding a red carnation.

  “He sent you a Flower O’gram,” I replied. The school did it every year for Valentine’s Day. For a buck you could buy a red carnation and have it delivered to the person of your choice. Lacy always left the school with an overflowing bouquet. I wasn’t nearly as fortunate. Always just the one that Chris would send me every year. As a friend thing.

  I never even thought to reciprocate.

  And a knot in my stomach now.

  “It’s sweet. He didn’t have to. He’s already taking me to dinner this weekend,” she said, coyly touching the carnation to her nose.

  “Super sweet.”

  Last year, I don’t know what I’d been expecting. I knew I wouldn’t be getting a flower, and yet when the day passed and nothing came, I was heartbroken. If I’d needed another reminder that Chris was gone, I had it.

  “Pastor Warren is taking us to New Adamstead, to the Beaumont.”

  “Ritzy.”

  “Well, he can afford it. Still, he’s been so good to me, totally welcoming me into the family. You know he’s taken it upon himself to teach me everything about the angels. I go over every Thursday night…”

  “Amber, I’m trying to study, okay?” And I really don’t need to hear more about your weird relationship with the Pastor.

  “Okay.”

  I heard her stand and move over to where I knew Lacy and her gaggle were sitting. I glanced up and watched as Lacy smiled at Amber showing her her one flower. Lacy gestured over to her haul sitting on the chair beside her, and Amber’s face fell. Yes, it was much easier showing off to someone like me than a head cheerleader.

  I must have been staring too long, though, because Lacy looked over at me, and we unfortunately made eye contact. I knew she was still holding a grudge because I left the cheerleading table at lunch (“Who does that?” I’d overheard her say to Charlotte after school one day), and watching her rise and come over to me made my stomach tighten even more.

  “Hey, Riley.”

  “Hey, Lacy.”

  “Working hard?”

  “Yup.”

  Lacy leaned her hip against the table and cocked her head to one side. “Well, I won’t keep you. I just wondered if you’d deliver a message for me.”

  I highlighted a passage in my European history text about the artist Degas and looked up at her.

  “Yeah?”

  “Would y’all tell Gabe thank you so much for the carnation?”

  Don’t look upset, don’t look upset. “Yeah, sure. Anything else?”

  “No, that’s it.” She smiled sweetly at me and then sauntered off quite obviously pleased with herself.

  I tried not to let what Lacy said to me rile me up. I tried really hard throughout the rest of study hall and history class. I tried as the bell went and I made my way to my locker. And I tried extra hard when I met Gabe out front to walk home together.

  It wasn’t until I saw him that I realized my trying not to get upset had actually had quite the opposite effect. Seeing his friendly face, his hair falling into his eyes like it did—well, it made me just want to punch him.

  “Hey,” he said as I came up to him.

  “Hey. You ready?”

  “Yeah.”

  And we started off home.

  Why would he give Lacy a carnation? The thought just wouldn’t let me alone. It didn’t make sense, and sure okay, maybe he dated like everybody, but I knew he didn’t really care that much for her and…stupid Lacy Green and her stupid Lacy Green-ness.

  “Riley, slow down, would ya?” said Gabe, and I was jolted from my internal rant.

  “What?”

  “You’re walking like someone’s out to get you. And I ain’t so keen to get home. Got a pile of homework.”

  “Well, you should have done some of it in study hall,” I replied in a huff. Stupid study hall.

  “Who does work in study hall?”

  “I do. I do work in study hall.”

  “Square.”

  I stopped in my tracks, which surprised him, and he skidded to a stop next to me.

  “What did you call me?”

  “A square. Come on, Riley, it’s just teasing. What’s wrong with you today?”

  “Why did you send Lacy a carnation?” I asked just blurting it out.

  “I…what?”

  “Lacy came up to me today in study hall and told me to thank you for the carnation. Why did you send her one?”

  Gabe looked at me for a moment, then raised his eyebrows. “Why do you care?”

  The question took me aback. “I don’t. I just…I mean. I dunno. It seems strange that you’d send Lacy a carnation. And I guess it doesn’t matter. You can send carnations to anyone you want to, but you barely know her and…”

  “And what?”

  “And…” Why didn’t you send one to me?

  “You jealous?” The edges of his lips were turning up, and that really annoyed me.

  “No.”

  “Riley, I didn’t think you’d want some cheap carnation. That’s why I didn’t send you one. They’re stupid.”

  “If they’re so stupid why’d you send one to Lacy?”

  “I didn’t.”

  “You didn’t.”

  “Nah. She lied. Obviously manipulated you like everyone else, thought you’d get all mad about it. Funny thing, though, you did get angry, didn’t you? Why’d you get angry?” He was full-out smiling now, and I was full-out embarrassed.

  “I…just didn’t think she was your type. It made me question if I really knew you.”

  “Riley, you know me. You know me better than anybody.”

  “Well, yeah, that’s why I got all confused.” He was enjoying this way too much, grinning at me from ear to ear. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I just…I never cared about Valentine’s Day. It’s a stupid made-up holiday. But when it comes around I remember Chris and maybe I’m a little more emotional about this than I would be normally…”

  Gabe held up a finger to signal “one minute” and took off his backpack. He opened it up and pulled out a small box. “Was gonna wait till after dinner, but seeing as you’re all upset right now…”

  “I’m not upset.”

  “Here.”

  He handed me the box. I opened it. Lying on some white cotton was a sliver chain with a pendant. You could tell it wasn’t real silver or anything, but I knew it’d still cost Gabe some of his hard-earned paycheck from the garage.

  I examined the pendant closely. “Gabe…”

  “They’re little handcuffs. Found it in a
charm store.”

  “Yeah I see that. Kinky.”

  “Hey, that’s your brain going there, not mine.”

  “Well…handcuffs…”

  Gabe gave a little laugh. “’Cause of how we met. I thought it might be a little tricky finding some charm of a tied-up naked dude with a rag shoved in his mouth. Anyway, I didn’t get you anything for Christmas, and well, I thought you’d like it.”

  I took the necklace out of the box and held it out before me. “It’s pretty awesome.”

  “I know.”

  “Pretty sweet of you too.”

  “I know.”

  I gave him a sideways glance. Yeah, of course he knew.

  “Thanks, Gabe,” I said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “I’ll have to wear it under my shirt, though. Don’t want people asking me what it means.”

  “Can’t you just tell them you like handcuffs?” His eyes were twinkling. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Don’t you worry about it, sweetheart. It’ll be our little secret.”

  The way he said it gave me butterflies.

  “Here, will you help me?”

  I handed him the necklace, and he stood behind me to do up the clasp. I felt his fingers graze my neck and it made me weak at the knees. Oh, get a grip, Riley.

  “All done,” he said in my ear.

  “Thanks,” I replied and tucked the pendant into my shirt.

  We walked along home quietly after that. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but I pretty much figured he was feeling proud of himself. I, on the other hand, couldn’t get over how much effort he’d put into finding me this present. The fact that he’d cared enough to get me anything in the first place was pretty amazing. But the fact that he went out of his way to find something special that just the two of us would understand, that was something else.

  Then a realization.

  He’d put all this thought into buying me a gift, and I hadn’t even considered doing the same in return. Wow, Riley, some things seriously don’t ever change with you, do they?

  I felt thoroughly ashamed.

  24.

  At first I worried I’d hurt Gabe’s feelings. But then I realized I was being kind of stupid. He really didn’t seem to care that I hadn’t got him anything and seemed happy enough by my reaction to his present and the knowledge that I wore it basically every day under my clothes. He was such a happy guy in general, usually, that it was easy for me to move on and not worry about how he was feeling. I figured there was very little that could faze him, that he was pretty much content to be himself and exist. And I envied that.

  I didn’t realize what would happen if he ever did get upset by something.

  It was about the first week of March when the announcement was made. At first I thought it was just a rumor, seeing as it was Amber who’d told me initially. But as word spread through our town, I discovered it was true. There was a meeting that Thursday to discuss a proposition for a new tax. It was kind of a big surprise. We were usually a small government kind of place. Candidates who ran for office here always ran on a platform of lowering our taxes, not raising them. And those candidates almost always won.

  So you can imagine why, that Thursday night, everyone in town showed up. Even Gabe and I had to come along, despite my usual need to avoid Pastor Warren at all costs.

  The long table was set up on the stage as usual, and the council was already seated, eyeing us carefully. Pastor Warren sat in the middle. He’d taken his hat off, which I’d seen him do maybe once before, and had brushed the few remaining wisps of hair across his shiny scalp.

  When we were all settled, the Mayor banged his gavel to announce the proceedings had begun. He glanced over at Pastor Warren, who stood up and started to talk.

  “Thank you all for coming out this fine night. Hopefully this won’t take too long, seeing as we all have things to do. Y’all are here to listen to my proposal for the ‘Community Preservation’ tax.”

  There was some unhappy muttering from the crowd, despite the reverence people had for the man now.

  “I know, I know, and I’m with you. I’m not all about taking anyone’s hard-earned cash. But we have a decision to make about this town. The angels have spoken to me…”

  There was more muttering now, but no longer in frustration. Now it had returned to the familiar sound of awe.

  “And they appreciate the changes we’ve made in the last couple months. But it isn’t enough. These changes, they don’t run deep. And the angels are getting mighty frustrated that we’re taking so long to treat them properly. We need to create more events to share in their Glory. We need to make the church properly reflect our respect. And we need to do it soon. Now, yes this will cost some money, but I’d rather donate to the Glory than to have their wrath shower down on us.”

  Silence greeted this final thought, and we all sat and stared as he sat himself back down.

  “The council has the right to vote on this issue,” said the Mayor, “but we want your support. Pastor Warren insisted.”

  How generous.

  What followed was a detailed explanation of how much the tax would be, what Angel stuff the funds would go toward (seemed most would be going toward the church, what a shock), and that at the end of five years the town would revisit the issue and take another vote on whether or not to keep the tax. I just sat there in total disbelief. Surely, surely the town wouldn’t agree to this.

  At the end of the Power Point presentation the Mayor stood up again and said, “All in favor of the ‘Community Preservation’ tax, raise your hand.”

  A public vote, so that was the plan. Like anyone would have the guts to stand against the Pastor. Like anyone wanted to draw attention to themselves. I knew I sure as hell wasn’t about to. I preferred to be invisible to Pastor Warren while I was dealing with my own angel issues, thank you very much.

  Sure enough, hands went up. Lacy Green’s family’s, Chris’s. Amber’s of course. Mother’s.

  Even mine.

  Gabe’s didn’t.

  People noticed that.

  “Then so be it. The tax has passed.”

  There was a tempered applause, and the council quickly adjourned the meeting. We all rose and started to file outside. I saw a few boys from Gabe’s year knock him on purpose with their shoulders as they pushed past. Gabe grabbed Johnny by the front of his jacket and pushed him hard against the wall.

  “Gabe!” I cried and rushed over.

  “Touch me again, Johnny boy…”

  “Put him down,” I said. Gabe looked at me, then back at Johnny who was visibly shaking. There was a moment when I wasn’t sure what he was going to do next, and then finally he released him. Johnny rushed away, giving us the finger as he did.

  “What’re you looking at?” asked Gabe to the small crowd that was staring at us.

  It quickly dissipated.

  I took Gabe by the elbow, and we stepped outside onto the steps of the town hall where Mother was waiting for us. Gabe pulled his leather jacket tightly around him.

  “You okay?” I asked softly.

  “This ain’t right,” he said, looking out toward the town square.

  “No it isn’t.”

  “But you voted. Both you and your ma.” He didn’t make eye contact. He just walked down the steps and headed for the car.

  “Gabe…” I said, but Mother put a hand on my shoulder.

  “Let him be, honey. He’ll get over it.”

  I nodded, but I wasn’t too sure.

  As the days went by, he didn’t seem to be able to shake his mood. He stopped having any kind of real conversation with us. However, that was nothing compared to his reaction when Mother announced she thought she might go to the Church of the Angels once in a while. I knew it was to keep up appearances. Attitudes in the town were more hostile than ever toward those who didn’t attend. I wasn’t too happy about it myself, but when she made that decision, Gabe be
gan to ignore her altogether.

  It wasn’t too long after that that he stopped doing his homework and started staying out way late at night. The only thing that he remained committed to from before this change of his was his bike, which he’d spend hours working on in the yard, not talking to anyone.

  I’d hoped that when he finished it, he’d feel better about himself, proud even. But the day passed without any ceremony. Worse still, now that he had a way to get around, he started disappearing for entire days, going places we never knew where. He’d always be back by night, but still, we worried. There was nothing Mother or I could do about it. He wasn’t family, and calling the cops would just draw attention to the fact that he really shouldn’t be here, in the town, living with us. Even though Mother didn’t know the truth, I think she figured he’d run away from something bad. She didn’t want him getting into trouble.

  I was feeling pretty hopeless myself. I desperately didn’t want his behavior to affect my work at school. I’d already sacrificed a school year for a boy. But I worried about him. I did. And I didn’t like that he was gone so much. Fact was, I missed him. He was one of the few people in my life who just liked me, plain and simple. He had from day one. Even when he’d been all tied up in the shed. Maybe it was just his way of getting through it all, flirting with me, trying to charm me to untie him. But it’d felt sincere. And whatever it was then, it had turned into real friendship now. And I liked spending time with him.

  Then one weekend he just totally disappeared. Got on his bike and didn’t come home. Didn’t show up that night, and not all Sunday either. I went to school on Monday a total wreck, hadn’t slept at all. I spent my entire chemistry pop quiz trying to solve where he was as opposed to the questions in front of me. I walked to math class in a daze of confusion. I just wanted to find him, to talk to him. To try to understand what had caused this change in him. And when I figured that out, to say something to him to make him feel all better. I remembered back to the holidays, how wonderful it had all been, and it made me feel sick.

  Where would I go, if I was him? I had no idea. I could see him taking off and heading to New Orleans. Heck, I could see him driving clear across the country. The way he was, he could be anywhere by now, doing anything. Maybe he’d joined a traveling circus, though I wasn’t sure if those existed anymore. It’d be more like he joined a biker gang, but that was silly too.