by A. m Madden
Knowing she set Google alerts for Devil’s Lair, as well as our individual names, I’m depending on her to let me know if anything awful shows up. I’ve completely avoided the Internet. I can’t be consumed by what I might see or read. So I’ll let Krista, Jen, Dylan and Lori police it for me. Our performances these past four days have been somewhat robotic. The integrity of our show hasn’t changed. We still give our fans their money’s worth. The playful bantering and joking around is what’s lacking.
We have a show tomorrow night in Spokane. It’s only a four-hour drive from Spokane to Seattle, and since we are doing so well with sold out shows, the label had pity on us and gifted us with a night in a hotel. This works perfectly with my plan of having a heart to heart with Jack and trying to tear down his wall. I haven’t pushed him, but it’s time I do.
“Hey, babe. What are you doin’?” he asks, as he comes into the bedroom.
I’ve been spending a lot more time alone in the bedroom, reading my Kindle to escape our reality.
“Reading a trashy novel.” I respond, watching him closely. He lies beside me on the bed, wraps his arms around my thighs and lays his head on my lap. My Jack would pounce on the fact I was reading a trashy novel.
I gently run my fingers through his hair. “You ok?”
“I am now.” He says, holding me tighter. “Babe, I love you. Don’t give up on me.”
He’s said this many times these past few days, but combined with his vise grip, he is now worrying me. “Hey…what’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Jack, tell me.”
“I just spoke to my parents again. I know they love me, but I can’t help but feel I’ve disappointed them so much. Between my career choice and now this. I feel like…” He squeezes me again, leaving his sentence hanging between us.
“What do you feel?”
“Like a complete fuck up.”
“Jack. Jack, look at me.”
He loosens his grip and moves up to sit next to me on the bed. “You aren’t a fuck up. Baby, you are giving her control. You need to come back to me and to the guys.”
“Lei, I don’t want to be a father to her child. I don’t want to be connected to her like that. My parents are giving me a good dose of guilt, and all I want to say to them is I don’t care that it’s mine.”
He shifts back down, resting his head where it was previously. I don’t know how to comfort him. Trying with my touch, I run my fingers through his hair again, bending to kiss his head, while fighting back my tears.
“Jack, that baby is part of you. You need to separate your feelings towards Jessa from your feelings towards your child. Otherwise, you will be consumed with guilt far worse than you have ever known.”
He doesn’t respond. He’s done with words and moves back behind his shield of silence. I let him retreat, once again. It breaks my heart that he is so distraught. I know I’m part of the reason for his misery. I know he is so overcome with regret for that one stupid night, he doesn’t know how to deal with the ripple effect it has on our relationship.
Through the window, I watch as the bus pulls into the hotel lot. A minute later, there’s a soft knock on the door. “Come in.”
Hunter slowly opens the door. “Hey. We’re here. We’re going to go grab dinner. Do you guys want to come?”
Jack shakes his head, otherwise not moving or responding. Hunter looks at me, almost begging for me to overrule him. “We’ll pass. Thanks, Hunt.”
Hunter doesn’t leave, but instead comes into the room and closes the door behind him. “You need to snap out of it, man.”
No response.
“Jack, dude, this is border line psychotic.”
Still no response.
“Leila, talk to him.”
I sigh loudly and nod, “I think we need some time alone. Is that ok?”
Hunter gets my message and stands to leave. “Ok. Call me if you change your minds.” Once Hunter closes the door behind him, I resume running my fingers through Jack’s hair.
“Babe.”
“Hmmm?”
“Let’s go in and get settled. We’ll order dinner and maybe watch a bad movie?”
“Ok.”
But yet he doesn’t move or say anything else. It takes me an hour to get him off that bus and into our room. The moment I close the door behind me, Jack grabs the remote and lies on the bed. I can stall, but then it will be a long night. I rather get this over with.
I sit on the edge of the bed facing him and get right to the point. “Babe, can I say something?”
He looks at me expectantly. “Of course.”
“Hunter is right. You really need to snap out of it. You can’t keep shutting everyone out and suppressing your feelings.”
He looks at me blankly. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Say what you’re feeling.”
“Trapped. Cornered. Desperate. How’s that for starters?” His tone is laced with annoyance.
“Good start.”
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and resumes watching the TV. Pulling the remote out of his hand, I add, “How can I help you?”
“You can’t. This is all on me.” He meets my gaze, challenging me to disagree. His smoky eyes are glazed over, distant and cold. I know it’s not towards me. It’s the same look he gets whenever the subject comes up.
I caress his face and plead. “Please. Tell me.”
“I don’t want the baby. What kind of person does that make me?” He breaks eye contact, the muscles in his jaw clenching subtly.
“It’s a normal reaction, Jack. That does not make you a bad person.”
He gives me another incredulous look. “Leila, I…” Sighing, he stops his words again.
“What? Tell me.”
Shaking his head, he focuses on the TV. This approach isn’t working. I need to change tactics.
“Take a shower with me.”
A tiny spark in his eyes gives me hope, but then his words kill it instantly. “Maybe later.”
“No, now. Jackson Henry Lair, get your ass up so I can screw you in the shower!”
The corners of his mouth twitch slightly. Taking this as a good sign, I pull my shirt off over my head, engaging him in a stare down. Arching my eyebrow, I challenge him to ignore my advances.
He runs his fingertip across the lace edge of my bra, then retreats. I reach behind, and unclasp my bra, allowing it to fall off my shoulders. His eyes slowly take in my naked upper half. He uses the same fingertip to trace over my nipple.
I lean in until I am pressed up against him, and whisper seductively in his ear, “I miss you.”
He wraps his arms around me. “I miss you, too.”
“I’m right here.”
I pull back to kiss his lips gently, then more forcibly, urging him to respond. After a few minutes, Jack gently pushes me away. These past four days, I’ve let him. I’ve let him stop us from getting physical and allowed him to instead hold me as a substitute. But today, I refuse to stop. So I keep trying. I keep kissing him, nibbling his ear, licking his neck, biting his bottom lip, subtly placing my hand on his erection. I’m pulling out every erotic trick I have up my sleeve.
Thank the Lord above he starts to respond. It’s slowly at first, but then he goes from a taciturn-moody-ass to a raging-sex-God in seven seconds flat.
He takes me on the bed, against the wall, in the shower, in a chair, on the bed, and it’s still only nine p.m.
Sitting in bed, eating room service burgers, he says, “Long four days.”
“Long ninety-six hours.”
He laughs out loud, with a face full of fries. “I love you so much.”
“Promise me you won’t deprive me like that ever again. I need my Jackson fix daily.”
“Wow, I’ve turned you into quite the nymph.”
“Complaining?”
“Fuck no, you’re my nymph.”
“Completely yours.” Feeling confident his mood has changed for the b
etter, I brace the subject again. “Are you ready to talk?”
Shaking his head, he says, “Nope.” He watches me watch him from the corner of his eye. “Babe, I’ve admitted I have tremendous guilt because I don’t want this baby, and I feel trapped. That sums it all up. There really is nothing left for me to say.” He places his plate down on the end table and takes mine from my lap. Pulling me into his embrace, he strokes my hair. “I am sorry I allowed it to affect us though. I shut down. I acted just the way I keep asking you not to. I’m such a hypocrite.”
“I understand. I just felt so helpless. I still do.”
“Just don’t give up on me and keep loving me. That’s all you can do to help me.”
The next morning, Jack was in the shower when my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. Ignoring it, a few seconds later I received a disturbing voicemail message.
“It’s Jessa. I would like to talk to you. Please let me know when you have a few minutes to chat…alone.”
My gut instinct was to tell Jack. He would tell me not to talk to her. However, I’m extremely curious as to what she wants and what she has to say. I convinced Jack to go down to the bus before me, to smooth things over with the guys and talk to them about his recent behavior. He argued at first, but then he thankfully agreed.
With shaking fingers, I texted the evil witch back.
Free to talk. It has to be now as we are pulling out soon.
Sitting on the edge of the bed quickly becomes unacceptable to my nerves. So instead, I start pacing the room, over and over like a caged animal.
A few minutes later my cell rings, cutting the silence viciously.
With my heart pounding in my chest, I answer the call. “Hello.”
“Hello, Leila. How are you?”
“How did you get my number?”
“A mutual friend.”
Liar. She is probably stalking me.
“What do you want Jessa?”
“I have some news.”
Sighing, I’m already exhausted with this conversation. “What news?”
“I had my first sonogram. It’s a boy.”
Jack will have a son?
My stomach lurches from the reality of this situation. A small gasp escapes, but it’s loud enough for her to hear it. “Are you ok?”
“Yes.”
“I have a dilemma.”
When I don’t respond, she continues.
“I’m not sure if you know anything about me.”
“I know enough.”
She laughs condescendingly, as if I amuse her. “Well, what you may not know is I was raised by a single parent. My mom raised my brother and me all alone. Our dad took off and never looked back.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. I never really thought of having kids. Life is funny that way. You never know what it will throw at you. Having been raised by a single mother, I refuse to repeat the path she was forced to take, struggling, alone, practically penniless. It aged her. It changed her. I will not have that happen to me.
Remaining completely silent on my end of the call, she continues.
“I love Jack. I’m not stupid enough to think he loves me and will leave you to be with me. He’s made that very, very clear. In fact, our last conversation left me troubled with his role towards our child. I listened as he adamantly stated he wanted no part of this. It was noble of him to offer financial support, though.” She stops to let out a short, clipped laugh. “That would help, but it wouldn’t be enough. Not knowing my own dad, I want our baby to know his and to have him in his life.”
“Jessa, what are you trying to tell me?”
“The part I’m struggling with is I feel Jack would have eventually welcomed a son into his life with open arms, before you at least.”
A chill runs down my spine as I realize what she is getting at. I feel sick to my stomach. This woman is beyond conniving, beyond manipulative. She is evil.
“Funny, just a few weeks ago I considered terminating this pregnancy. I felt no connection to it.”
“If you were debating an abortion, you would have done it.”
“My friends talked me out of it. Honestly, I’m glad they did. Now knowing that it’s a boy, who is half me and half Jack, I now feel connected to it.”
As this bitch rambles on, Jack tries calling my cell. I’m sure it won’t be long before he comes looking for me.
“What does this have to do with me?” I whisper weakly into the phone.
“Leila, you seem like a smart girl. Jack isn’t the kind of person to walk away from his own child. Beneath his cocky, God’s gift to the world attitude, he does have a heart. I’m sure he is being torn in half right now, being ripped apart from the inside. If I know Jack, he’s struggling with doing the right thing versus his commitment to you. Sometimes Jack needs a little shove in the right direction. He will adamantly claim this is the way he wants it. But over time, his guilt will kill him.”
“Jack wouldn’t just move on with his life, like you hope he does. He would hate and resent you even more than he does now. He feels trapped by you. That will never go away.”
“Yes, it will. Jack marinates over things. He mulls things over. Time and Jack have a mutual understanding. If you had said after our break up that we would once again have sexual relations, I would have called you nuts. But we did. I think his guilt would change his decision. Fast-forward ten years. His son would be at the age where he’d be playing sports, growing up. Jack would absolutely regret not being a part of that. He just needs someone to help him realize that.”
“That someone being me.”
“That’s correct.”
“Jack is a stubborn man. I can’t make him do something he refuses to.”
“Oh, I think you can.”
“You think I’ll just break up with Jack because you want me to?”
“No. I want you to realize the different paths his life can take. Being with you, or knowing his child.”
“And he can’t have both?”
“Nope. Another thing you need to know about Jack. His vision is limited. As long as you are in his life, you are his life. If you weren’t, he would focus on the next thing. He can’t look past his own contentment.”
“He isn’t going to buy this. There is no way he’ll allow me to walk away.”
“Couples fight all the time. I’m sure you two do as well.”
“Really we don’t.”
“How lucky of you. That’s so sweet,” she patronizes.
“I’m not walking away from Jack just because you threw around some empty threats.”
“You love him, correct.”
“Stupid question.”
“You wouldn’t want to harm him, correct?”
“I’m about to hang up, Jessa.”
“Fame does have its disadvantages. It’s called the Internet. It can be a major advantage, as well as a disadvantage.”
“What are you saying now?”
“A really hot rock star can’t keep his dick in his pants. While drunk and high, he literally pushes himself onto his ex-girlfriend, who has never gotten over him. The kicker is, after taking advantage of her, he abandons her in her time of need. This shit gets eaten up all the time. It could ruin him.”
A chill runs through my veins. “That never happened.”
“I was there and Jack was extremely drunk. He’s a womanizer. He’s not the monogamous type, and he most definitely is not the boyfriend type.”
“You’re a bitch.”
“Just pulling out all my defenses.”
“What do you want?”
“I want Jack.”
“How could you do that to him?”
“I’m protecting my unborn child.” She sighs into the phone. “You heard what I had to say. Make your decision, Leila, and soon. I’m not a patient person. Please don’t be stupid enough to tell Jack. His temper is uncontrollable. I have connections and I’ll know.” With that
she hangs up.
I’ve never wanted to kill someone before, until now.
She has no problem taking Jack down to get what she wants.
My anger boils towards her for ruining Jack’s life and towards Jack for ruining everything for one meaningless night with that tramp. She has me completely cornered. It’s like she did her research, focusing on Jack’s guilt for not wanting the baby and my insecurities with being in the public eye.
Ignoring this would be all she needs to make a phone call to a sleazy tabloid. No one would question her when the evidence is her pregnant belly.
Realizing I’ve wasted a lot of time, I quickly text Jack as tears blur my vision.
hey…on my way. be there in a few minutes.
I then make a necessary phone call. There’s only one person I can talk to, who can calm me down.
Chapter 11 - Jack
Knocking on her door, it takes a few seconds for her to answer. “Hey, babe. What’s taking you so long? We gotta go or Jen will have my ass.”
“Sorry. I got distracted.”
“Without me?” I pull her into my embrace.
When she doesn’t respond to my joke, I pull back slightly to look into her eyes. “Why were you crying?” Her silence has me worried. “Leila?”
“I need to talk to you.”
Without a word, she pulls away to sit on the bed. As I close the door behind us, I move to sit next to her.
“What is it?” I gently take her hand in mine. “Lei?”
“Jessa called.”
“What? I don’t want you talking to her.”
“Jack, she considered ending the pregnancy because of me.” A quick flash of relief passes through me. Leila sits motionless.
“This doesn’t surprise me.”
“You could have lost your child because of me. Things would be different if we weren’t together.”
I immediately become suspicious with this conversation. “You’re serious? She is totally pulling you into one of her little games.”
“She knows you’ll never be together. But she feels you’ll never commit to them as long as you are with me.”
