I am Rebecca

by Fleur Beale

  ‘We would never grieve you or the Lord like that, Father.’

  It seemed Ira knew the Fellowship better than we did if our own father would not believe us.

  ‘Go and help your mother. I will ask the Lord for guidance in this matter.’

  But first we ran to the bathroom where we both threw up.

  Five

  The Rule

  A person expelled from the Fellowship is deemed to be dead. Nobody will speak of such a person.

  IT WAS A SOBER AFTERNOON. The children saw we were upset and, for once, even Abraham didn’t pester for answers. Mother, after a sharp glance at us, carried on as normal.

  A bolt of envy shot through me that I would need to pray about later. Mother was so lucky. She was protected from the world by Father. He was the one who had to make the tough decisions, he was the one who stood between our family and the dangers of worldliness. All she had to do was bear children, nurture us, and show by example how to be a good and godly woman.

  When the heat of the afternoon was at its peak, Mother told us to take the little ones to the park, and for once Abraham didn’t object to being called little. He even fetched Zillah’s pushchair while we tied our scarves over our hair. Zillah tugged hers off immediately — but a child so young could be excused, so we didn’t worry.

  It took much discipline not to run flat out along the streets to the park. The moment we arrived, Abraham demanded, ‘Tell us what happened.’

  It was a relief to tell it without needing to worry about breaking the Rule.

  Luke burst out, ‘I hate Ira! He’s mean to me and Jesse too.’

  ‘Will you die?’ Magdalene’s eyes were wide and frightened.

  Here it was again — the fear that had been scorched into her very soul when first Miriam, then Daniel and Esther were cast out and deemed to be dead. ‘No, we won’t die. Miriam didn’t die. Daniel didn’t, and neither did Esther. They’re alive and they live in Wellington.’

  Father wouldn’t like us telling her that. But right now, my heart was hurting. He should know Rachel and I wouldn’t do anything to grieve him or the Lord. He should know it.

  Abraham left off tying complicated knots in his shoelaces and said, ‘I’m gunna beat that Ira up.’

  Rachel threw her arms around him. ‘Abraham! Thank you for the thought. But please, please don’t! They’d expel you from the Fellowship.’

  ‘Rachel’s right,’ I said. ‘We don’t want you to get in trouble. We need you.’

  He took off and raced around the park, running and running. Luke followed him, but Magdalene stayed with us, keeping a tight hold on our hands. ‘What if the Elders make one of you marry Ira?’

  I bent down to whisper, ‘We’ll kill him. Clog his arteries with cream so he’ll drop down dead of a heart attack.’

  She cheered up amazingly after that and even let us push her on a swing.

  Ira. He was eighteen but wasn’t yet betrothed. The Elders could well choose one of us to marry him and, if they did, we’d have to obey or accept that we’d never be given another chance to become a wife and mother.

  I would pray for good husbands for Rachel and for me.

  FAMILY PRAYERS WERE LONGER and more solemn than usual that evening. Our father gave us no hint as to whether he had decided to believe us and not Ira. Rachel and I were about to put Magdalene to bed when a voice called, ‘Praise the Lord,’ and in walked Elder Hosea, followed by Elder Asa.

  ‘Brother Caleb,’ they said to Father, ‘a word with you.’

  They ignored the rest of us, even Mother. It wasn’t a good sign. Ira must have decided to make mischief. Well, if that was the case, I was glad we’d already told Father what happened. Even if it didn’t make any difference, at least we’d tried.

  It took a lot to reassure Magdalene. She was certain we’d disappear in the night — that in the morning we’d be dead and gone. In the end, we had to promise to stay with her until she slept. Rachel fetched the basket of mending and we worked as we sang her to sleep.

  Eventually her eyes closed. Rachel crammed the shirt she’d finished into the basket. ‘Esther was right. They should have explained everything to her when Miriam was cast out. She wouldn’t be such a mess now if they had.’

  ‘Will you tell your children? If somebody’s expelled?’ I whispered, conscious of the two Elders in the room down the hallway. ‘Will you say they’re dead and not speak of them again?’

  ‘I’ll tell them the truth,’ she hissed back. ‘Especially if the poor things get poisonous Ira for a father!’

  We stared at each other, shocked by her outburst — and then we collapsed in a heap of giggles.

  Luke was in bed by the time we tiptoed from our room, but he had his door open and was on the lookout for us. ‘The Elders sent Abraham to Elder Stephen with a note. He’s not back yet.’

  All of us knew what that meant. It was Elder Stephen who took upon himself the burden of owning the Fellowship’s only telephone. He did it to spare us from having contact with the evil of the world.

  Why did they want the phone? Maybe it wasn’t about the Ira business after all. I went cold. Had word come about Miriam or Daniel? Esther, even. Was one of them really dead?

  We learnt nothing more that night. We didn’t sleep well.

  The next day was Sunday.

  Father didn’t speak to us at breakfast, but then he seldom did, and we didn’t dare ask what his thoughts were on the Ira matter. Mother was her usual calm self as she organised us all. ‘Rebecca, Rachel — it is our turn to take afternoon tea. Make a batch of biscuits and two trays of scones. Abraham, you are in charge of the children. You may take them outside but make sure they do not get dirty.’

  If Ira had told his story, Elder Stephen would preach about the importance of keeping the Rule in every particular. Rachel and I would have to be present for the sermon and we would feel the weight of our leader’s disappointment in our very souls, even though we had no reason to do so.

  Mother scolded me for over-mixing the scones. The biscuits Rachel made were too soft and the batter ran all over the oven tray.

  Six

  The Rule

  The Leader will expel any member who sins seriously against the Rule. Such a person will be dead to the Children of the Faith, and will not be spoken of again.

  ‘BROTHERS AND SISTERS,’ Elder Stephen said, his sorrowful voice reaching deep into every heart, ‘it grieves me to have to remind you all that the Rule must be obeyed. It is there for the guidance of each one of us.’

  Beside me, Rachel was gulping for air. I grabbed for her hand and wished we could sit with the children between us. But the custom of the Children of the Faith was that families always sat in order of age. Father sat next to the outside aisle with Mother beside him, then me, Rachel, Abraham, Luke and Magdalene with nobody on her other side to comfort her. Zillah alone would be spared from what was to come, as she was in the nursery being cared for with the other under-fives.

  Rachel swayed and leaned against me, although it might have been me leaning against her. I felt faint and ill.

  Apart from Elder Stephen’s voice, the room was deeply silent, as if people knew something bad was coming. There was no escape for Rachel and me from those quietly spoken words.

  ‘The participation of the Children of the Faith in the Saturday markets is for the sole purpose of putting in front of the world an example of godly living. The experiment has been a success — until now. Worldly people have watched, and they have been impressed enough to ask to learn more. We have received several enquiries.’

  I closed my eyes and wished I could faint. Were we to be expelled? It would destroy Magdalene. Who would help Mother?

  Elder Stephen held out his arms and spoke with his eyes closed. ‘Lord who guides us all, hear my prayer! I pray that every soul in the Children of the Faith will take into his heart this message that has come to me through You.’ He opened his eyes, lowered his hands to grasp the edges of the pulpit.

  I felt
his gaze burning me.

  ‘Here is the message the Lord has in His mercy given to me, my people. Heed the teachings of the Rule! Be obedient unto its commands, for that is the way to salvation. The Lord does not wish to punish you. He wishes each of you to reap the reward of salvation. He yearns for you to join Him in His heavenly paradise. But He will not be mocked. Know that the fires and torment of eternal damnation await those who choose to mock the Rule.’

  We hadn’t mocked it, but I felt as if we’d broken every single part of it. I tried to take my mind to another place, but fear gripped too tight.

  Please stop. Please, just punish us. I can’t take any more.

  Perhaps the Lord heard my prayer. Elder Stephen paused to sweep his burning gaze over us all, and I knew the end was coming.

  ‘My beloved people, it is with deep sorrow that I must report to you a case of flagrant mockery of the Rule. I and your Council of Elders have prayed about this, and it has come to us that no punishment can equal the damage caused to the good name of the Children of the Faith.’

  I heard the gasps. I felt the hard stares of the people. Those Pilgrim twins — what have they done?

  Elder Stephen paused, letting the weight of his sorrow fall into our hearts. ‘However, my people, I assure you that the punishment for this heinous act will be as heavy as we can make it without going as far as expulsion.’

  So we were to stay in the Fellowship. Expulsion would have been better — eternal damnation couldn’t be as terrible as this.

  I hated Ira with all my heart. He had done this to us and he would walk away secure in the knowledge that the Elders believed him, that they approved of him breaking the Rule to tell on us.

  He sat behind us, on the other side of the Place of Fellowship. I was glad to be spared the sight of him.

  Elder Stephen let a silence build. Even with my head bowed, I could see the glances shooting at the two of us. I prayed for oblivion.

  ‘Brother Ira, come and stand before the Fellowship. Tell the people your story. Punishment will be given out after you have spoken.’

  Ira strode down the aisle. I heard him bound onto the stage with a single jump. I gave him one terrified look, then kept my eyes fixed on my knees. He was confident, assured — and he was relishing the destruction of our good name.

  Rachel and I were probably the only ones in the great hall to know that the emotion dripping from his voice was as fake as his heart was black. ‘Brothers and sisters, it is with sorrow that I speak of the transgression of the Pilgrim twins.’

  Beside me, I felt Mother jerk with shock. Rachel and I kept our heads bowed. I wanted to pray, but the words wouldn’t come.

  Ira was clever. The essence of the story he told was true. ‘Brothers and sisters, it pains me to tell you how these girls have broken the sacred trust our Elders placed in them.’ He paused to let a hissing from his audience die away. I heard him sigh. ‘I will be as brief as possible with this most upsetting tale. The change ran out. The girls should have asked me for more. They did not. They went from stall to stall. They pestered other stall holders to give them change. Then, my people, they spent that money on themselves. They bought ice creams. They went around licking them and laughing at the people. I am deeply sorry to grieve you all with this. I want you to know that only an order from Elder Stephen himself was able to persuade me to do so.’

  Mother gave a small moan. There were more gasps from around the room. More glances too — although we felt them rather than saw them.

  Elder Stephen said, ‘That is indeed a sorry tale, Brother Ira. Are you ready to swear to the truth of it? Think carefully. It is a sin to accuse others wrongfully, even in the smallest particular.’

  ‘It is the truth. I swear it.’

  More silence from Elder Stephen, but by now I was resigned. They would forbid us from going again to the market, but that would be the easy part of the punishment — for telling the truth.

  Elder Stephen sighed. ‘My people, it is with deep sorrow that I tell you our Brother Ira is a liar, a transgressor, and has done much to besmirch the good name of the Fellowship.’

  This time it sounded as if every one of us was sucking in air. Rachel and I lifted our heads. Ira looked as though he’d been slapped. ‘Elder Stephen! I protest!’

  ‘Silence! You have had your chance. Every word you spoke was a black-hearted lie. We have checked your story. Brother Gideon has had the care of the girls for many months. He swears on the Holy Book that their conduct has been true to the Rule. Your story forced us into the position of having to speak to a worldly woman. She attested to the truth of Brother Gideon’s statement. The Pilgrim girls’ behaviour is beyond reproach. Yours, however, has brought the whole community into disrepute.’

  I slumped back against the seat. Tears poured down my face. Mother pressed a handkerchief into my hand. I mopped up and passed it to Rachel.

  Abraham told us later that Elder Stephen said they’d discovered that Ira had been going to look at worldly magazines, that he’d been spending money on worldly food. I’d been too shocked to absorb that part of Elder Stephen’s speech. Rachel hadn’t been able to concentrate either. But we both heard the punishment.

  ‘Brother Ira, you are banned from the market henceforth. For three months you will work for three hours in the chicken slaughterhouse every morning, beginning at five o’clock. You will then do your normal work in the business centre.’ Elder Stephen paused, perhaps to wait for Ira to say something. He didn’t. ‘The Council of Elders has also decided it will be best for you to marry as soon as can be arranged. We believe that taking on the responsibility of a family will keep your feet on the path to salvation. We have chosen a wife for you. You will be informed of our decision when we have spoken with the girl’s father.’

  Ira took a step forward, but Elder Stephen snapped out, ‘Stay. You do not have permission to move.’ He turned back to the congregation. ‘My people, if Brother Ira speaks to any one of you in an ungodly manner, we order you to break the Rule by speaking about it to an Elder. Children, I order you to tell your fathers if Brother Ira is unkind or ungodly.’ To Ira he said, ‘You have shamed us all. Be thankful we have been merciful and not cast you out. You may return to your seat.’

  I braced for a blast of hate as he passed us, but he didn’t seem to see us as he stumbled back to join his family.

  The congregation knelt. My prayer was one of thanks to the Lord for saving us from Ira’s mischief — and for making us too young to be considered as a wife for him.

  Seven

  The Rule

  Vanity is a sin. There will be no mirrors, portraits or photographs that encourage idolatry or vanity in the houses of the Children of the Faith.

  OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS, people kept stopping to talk to us. ‘Thank you for upholding the good name of the Children of the Faith. We are grateful to you both.’

  While we appreciated their goodwill, we found it difficult to know how to respond. In the end, we decided on: ‘Thank you for your kind words. Praise the Lord.’

  ‘Father hasn’t apologised for doubting us,’ Rachel said.

  ‘Did you think he would?’ I asked.

  She shook her head. ‘I just hoped he would.’

  Mother didn’t say anything directly, but once, as we went about our chores, she said, ‘You are good girls.’ That was all, but it helped ease the pain of Father’s doubting of us.

  On Wednesday we went with her to our local Circle of Fellowship meeting at Tirzah’s house. Abigail was there too, along with her mother and younger brothers. As usual, the women each read from the Bible and spoke to us about the meaning of the Lord’s words. When they had finished, Tirzah helped her mother and sisters, Dove and Bethany, set out the afternoon tea. The children were allowed to choose one cake each, then we were free to take them out into the garden to play.

  Dove was bursting with news. ‘Have you heard who Ira is to wed?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. We’ve been too busy giving thanks we’
re not old enough to be considered.’

  ‘It’s strange that no announcement has been made yet,’ Rachel said.

  Tirzah hushed her sister with a gesture. ‘We know why. The Elders chose Talitha, but her mother had hysterics and her father said he couldn’t agree to such a husband for his daughter. He said she’s much too gentle to influence Ira to tread the path to salvation.’

  Rachel and I caught each other’s eye. Would our parents have protected us from such a marriage? Father would have prayed, but if it had come to him that the Lord wanted one of us to have Ira for a husband, we would have had to obey.

  ‘They’ll choose Kezia,’ Abigail said. ‘It’s obvious. She has the same strength of will Ira has. She won’t stand for any nonsense from him.’

  ‘Well, it’s true Kezia would like to be married,’ Rachel said. ‘She was to have been betrothed to Gideon, but he …’

  Dove finished the sentence. ‘He grabbed the beautiful Damaris when your brother refused to marry her and got himself cast out.’

  Tirzah said, ‘We’re sorry for the pain you have suffered. It’s a terrible thing to lose a family member in that way.’

  We were warmed by her kindness — but did she know about Miriam and Esther as well?

  Magdalene came running up, towing Zillah behind her. ‘She wants to climb the tree but her skirt gets in the way.’

  ‘No!’ Zillah tugged at it.

  ‘You can’t take it off, Zillah,’ I told her. ‘Mother would be sad. But look — if I tuck it up like this, you won’t trip on it.’ I tied it up around her bottom, making her look a bit like a pumpkin, and off she trotted.

  We watched the children in silence for a few minutes. Abraham, bent low, zigzagged across the lawn, firing shots from an imaginary gun. The other boys fell, clutching their hearts and screaming.

  Abigail said, ‘The great experiment caused much suffering for your family. You were all in our prayers when we heard what that wicked girl had done to you.’