I am Rebecca

by Fleur Beale

  I nodded. It was so difficult speaking as if I had no extra knowledge, no guilt over Kezia’s banishment. ‘I was worried about her. Damaris was too, but Kezia told her she was getting much comfort from prayer.’

  BROTHER ENOCH WAS ALERT and wide awake at market the next day. There’d be no chance to ask Mrs Lipscombe about Kezia until he had to accompany one of us to the bathroom. We sold eggs and chickens, smiling and chatting as we did so. But, earlier than necessary, Rachel whispered to Enoch that she needed to go to the bathroom.

  As soon as they were out of sight, Mrs Lipscombe zipped across to our stall. ‘A dozen eggs please, Rebecca. Kezia and her babe were on the first plane out this morning. Going to her grandma’s in Wanganui. She says thank you.’

  Tears flooded my eyes. ‘Thank you. Oh, thank you so much.’

  Another customer arrived. Mrs Lipscombe tapped her carton. ‘Excellent eggs these. Best in the country.’

  I served a rush of people before Rachel returned. ‘All is well?’ she asked as she hurried in behind the counter.

  ‘Yes. All is well.’

  Twenty-two

  The Rule

  The world is full of evil, temptation and corruption.

  The Children of the Faith will keep themselves separate from worldly people and their concerns.

  KEZIA AND MARA were gone from our lives, damned and deemed to be dead. At temple on Sunday, Sister Judith came into the nursery after Elder Stephen’s sermon and, for once, I listened carefully to her recounting of it.

  ‘He reminded us of the evil of the world,’ she said. ‘It is a sin to move amongst worldly people.’

  ‘But Sister Judith,’ I said, ‘we mix with them at the market. Does he want us to stop?’

  She tutted at me. ‘You do not understand, Rebecca. It is one thing to show the world the beauty of a holy life — as you and Rachel do. It is quite another to run off into the world, taking an innocent child with you.’

  She went on and on. Elder Stephen must have been fired with the zeal of the Lord. My thoughts drifted to Sister Jerushah. I felt guilty for being glad she was getting pain relief, but it was upsetting enough to know she must have suffered for months before she collapsed. For a moment I was tempted to ask Sister Judith if she knew about the ten children our leader had cast out of his own family. But she must know — she’d lived in Nelson all her life, so what did she think about it? How did she make it right in her mind?

  A squabble broke out over a swing. ‘Excuse me, Sister Judith. I must go to the children.’ Thank the Lord.

  At lunchtime, Malachi whispered, ‘You missed a passionate sermon this morning, Sister Rebecca.’

  ‘Do you know anything? We have all been so worried for her.’

  He put a slice of quiche on my plate. ‘Here. You need to keep your strength up. You have hardly eaten a thing. She ran away. Ira said he heard her get up to feed the baby at about two. Then, when he woke up in the morning, neither of them was there.’

  ‘Do you know why she would do such a thing?’

  He shrugged. ‘Ira said she was disobedient and wilful. I guess she got fed up with him.’

  Sister Judith spoke from her place at the head of the table. ‘Brothers, sisters — I remind you of the Rule. We do not speak of those who have sinned and are cast out.’

  Malachi pulled a face. I whispered, ‘Thank you.’

  We talked then of his work. ‘I am thinking we should grow herbs,’ he said. ‘Sell them at the market. Would you and Rachel look around next week, see if anybody is already doing it?’

  My heart lifted. A chance to stroll around the stalls. ‘We will need permission from the Elders.’

  It was another two weeks before the Elders gave permission for us to check the stalls for herbs and I was able to tell Malachi that some of the vegetable growers sold parsley but that was about it. He bubbled over with excitement at the prospect of a new project.

  ‘I planned it all, just in case. I will grow basil, mint and coriander. Then if that goes well, I will introduce dill and oregano.’ He grinned at me. ‘We will have a good business, Rebecca.’

  I loved his enthusiasm, and I loved him for including me in his plans.

  RACHEL AND I WOULDN’T be at the market by the time the herbs were ready. We were to spend the January market days training our replacements. They were Tirzah’s sister Dove, and a tall girl called Candace.

  Mrs Lipscombe pursed her lips when we told her we wouldn’t be there much longer. ‘Please don’t tell me you’re going to be married!’

  Rachel smiled at her. ‘Not until June. It’s what we want. Please don’t be upset for us!’

  But our friend shook her head, and we could tell there was much she was striving not to say.

  ‘We’re marrying good men,’ I told her. ‘Do you remember Saul? Rachel’s marrying him. And I’m sure you’d like Malachi if you met him.’

  She sighed. ‘I wish you well. I surely do.’

  Enoch opened the truck door to put a stop to our conversation.

  IT WAS MY TURN to be with Sister Jerushah again. I was sitting beside her bed finishing a rose on the border of Mrs Lipscombe’s tablecloth when Elder Stephen came into the room. I stood up to let him take my place, but he motioned for me to stay where I was. I didn’t sit down. It wasn’t respectful to do so while he was standing.

  He peered at my face. What had I done? ‘Which of the Pilgrim twins are you?’

  ‘I am Rebecca, Elder Stephen.’

  ‘How does my wife seem to you today, Sister Rebecca?’

  Why was he asking? I couldn’t think what he wanted me to say. ‘She is resting quietly, Elder Stephen.’

  ‘I can see that. It is her soul that concerns me. What are your thoughts about her soul, Sister Rebecca?’

  Dear Lord, help me. ‘I pray for her soul to achieve salvation.’

  It didn’t seem to be the right answer, because he frowned. ‘Tell me, Sister. What are your thoughts about the pain relief?’

  For terrible seconds the silence in the room suffocated me. How could I answer? At last, I said, ‘I have prayed that the pain she suffered before we knew she was ill will be enough to cleanse her soul of sin.’

  He looked down at his wife. ‘You know we cannot be sure of that?’

  ‘Yes, Elder Stephen.’

  He walked out of the room, leaving me to collapse shakily onto the chair. He hadn’t asked any of the other girls such questions — they would have said if he had. Why did he have to choose me? I was unsettled — worried too. If my answers had displeased him, he would preach about the correct way to think on Sunday. I thanked the Lord I’d be in the nursery.

  Rachel was astonished when I told her about it. She gave a shudder. ‘It’s mean of me, but I’m so relieved he didn’t ask me. I think your answers were brilliant.’

  But I wasn’t easy in my mind and dreaded my next afternoon with Sister Jerushah.

  Thursday came around again. Talitha greeted me with a shake of her head. ‘There’s no change, I’m afraid.’

  But when I sat with Sister Jerushah, I thought she was somehow less present than she’d been the week before. She was slipping away. I worked on the tablecloth and prayed for her soul.

  Elder Stephen came just before I was due to go home.

  ‘Sister Rebecca, I wish to speak to you about Kezia Strong.’

  Had he discovered what I’d done? I managed to whisper, ‘Has she repented? Does she want to return?’

  His dark eyes seemed to burn into my soul. ‘No, she has not. Sister Rebecca, you would do well to consider carefully what you say. Tell me about the Sunday before she committed the sin of running away.’

  It was clear he suspected something. If only I knew what. I decided all I could do was speak the truth but, Lord help me, not all of it.

  ‘She kept to herself. I was worried about her. Her baby cried but she did not seem to hear her.’ I stopped, hoping I’d said enough.

  ‘Continue.’

  ‘I went to her t
o help her. She told me to go away. She said she was all right. She said she did not need help from anyone. I kept her in my sight because I thought she was … that she might change her mind and ask for help.’ I stopped again.

  ‘Finish the story.’

  Dear Lord, help me.

  ‘A baby was crying. I went outside to ask one of the girls to get his mother. When I came back, Sister Kezia had disappeared.’

  ‘Her child?’

  ‘She was still there. Wrapped in blankets on the floor.’

  ‘What did you do after that?’

  I bent my head. ‘I pretended I had to go home to change my clothes. I went to search for her to bring her back. We prayed together. She seemed better.’ I told him about Damaris speaking to her. ‘I am sorry for pretending.’

  He waited for another terrible silence to build before he said, ‘You know what it was your duty to do, Sister Rebecca.’

  I nodded, my eyes fixed on the floor. Please don’t make me say more. Please let me go.

  ‘Look at me, Sister Rebecca.’

  It took all my courage to obey.

  ‘You know it is an evil thing to interfere with the will of the Lord.’

  ‘Yes, Elder Stephen.’

  He raised his arm to point at the drip in his wife’s arm. ‘The world must answer to the Lord for this piece of meddling.’ He switched his dark gaze to me. ‘Your family too has suffered from the meddling of one who chose to disobey the sacred teachings of the Rule.’

  For a moment I was too shocked to think, but then I understood. ‘You speak of Esther?’

  ‘I do indeed speak of that wicked, evil girl. Sister Rebecca, are you easy in your conscience about her actions? Think carefully, for the sake of your immortal soul.’ He spoke in his pulpit voice, sending it resounding through the room.

  I flinched. I couldn’t say I wished Esther hadn’t saved the lives of my mother and sister. I bowed my head. ‘I thank the Lord for his infinite mercy in saving the lives of my mother and sister.’

  I heard him give a deep sigh, then I heard the sound of the door closing behind him.

  I fell on the chair and wept.

  IT WAS ONLY TWO WEEKS later that Sister Jerushah slipped into a coma. Nurse Katherine ignored Elder Stephen’s order to say nothing to us girls about it.

  ‘She won’t wake up from this,’ she told me. ‘It’s hard to say when the end will come. It could be tomorrow, or she could hang on for another month.’

  Laban spent as much time as he could sitting by his mother and praying for her. If Elder Stephen did the same, he did it when none of us girls were present. I wondered about her other ten children — if they knew their mother was dying. I wondered too if any of them had tried to visit her.

  I could not wish for Sister Jerushah’s death, but even so I dreaded my Thursday visits. The other girls had stared at me in horror when I’d asked them if Elder Stephen had questioned them as well.

  Drusilla said, ‘No! I’d die, I really would.’

  The others felt the same — even Tirzah, who would become Elder Stephen’s daughter-in-law.

  When Rachel and I were alone, she said, ‘I don’t understand why he’s doing it. It worries me. Shall we tell Father?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. He’ll pray for me and I can’t bear it. In my heart I believe it was right to help Kezia. It was right for Esther to save Mother and Zillah. I can’t believe the Lord meant them to die.’

  My sister held me as I cried.

  THE ELDERS DECIDED our final market day would be the second Saturday of February. As we waited for Enoch on our last morning, I said, ‘It’ll be strange not going out on Saturdays. I’m going to miss it so much.’

  Rachel’s face got the dreamy look that meant she was thinking about Saul. ‘Me too. But it won’t be long before we’re married. Five months.’

  ‘Just don’t tell Mrs Lipscombe that! When d’you reckon we should give her the tablecloth?’

  ‘How about we wait till right at the end? There won’t be time for a big fuss then.’

  Perhaps the Lord set out to make it a special occasion, because Enoch was especially kind to us and the day was full of unusual happenings. The man with the alpaca turned up again and led it right through the lanes. Then just before lunch a woman with her hair in dreads bought eggs from us, and as she walked away we saw that her dog had dreads as well. All our customers were cheerful and even seemed to go out of their way to be nice to us.

  As we helped pack up, I said to Enoch, ‘We have made a gift for Mrs Lipscombe. May we give it to her now?’

  His face grew stern, but before he could speak, Rachel said, ‘We have our father’s permission to do this.’

  That got us a smile. ‘Of course you have. You are good girls. Off you go.’

  Mrs Lipscombe had almost packed up her own stall, but she stopped working when she saw us coming.

  Rachel handed her the parcel. ‘This is to thank you for everything. Today was our last day.’

  She gave us a sharp look before she opened it. ‘My dear girls! This is beautiful! Such exquisite work! I shall treasure it. And you can be sure I’ll keep my eye on those new little girls too. But it’s not going to be the same without you two across the lane from me.’

  We were quiet as Enoch drove us home. We would miss her. We would miss the colour and bustle of the market. We would miss being out in the world.

  BUT THERE WAS MUCH to do at home. On the next Saturday, Father drove us into town with Mother to buy the fabric for our wedding gowns. Magdalene and Zillah, bubbling with excitement, came too.

  Mother chose a fabric we could later cut up for baby gowns. It was plain white, and she held it up to the light to make sure she couldn’t see through it.

  A sharp memory of Kezia’s gorgeous petticoat showing through her filmy gown stabbed my mind. I said a quick prayer for her.

  ‘Now for your petticoats,’ Mother said. She pulled out a bolt of fabric. ‘Do you like this? Or this one?’

  We stared first at the fabric, then at each other and finally at her. ‘Mother, those are both beautiful. But they are patterned!’

  Our mother smiled. ‘And nobody will see them. Your gowns will be plain and modest. But every girl needs something pretty on her wedding day. We do not need to worry your father with the details of your outfits.’

  ‘No! Of course not!’

  Rachel chose the fabric edged with lacy scallops. I asked for the one sewn all over with small starbursts. Magdalene touched them both, her eyes shining. ‘May I have the scraps, Mother?’

  ‘We will see,’ Mother said.

  We would explain to Magdalene later that it would be wise not to let Father see any of the patterned material.

  We helped Mother cut out the dresses after school, and I took the bodice with me to sew the buttonholes when I sat with Sister Jerushah on Thursday. She lay still, and it seemed to me her soul had already departed. I prayed it was in heaven, that she had found salvation. I prayed too that Elder Stephen wouldn’t come to ask me more impossible questions. He stayed away.

  The next Sunday, Malachi came stomping into the nursery at lunchtime. His face was tight and angry. I hurried towards him.

  ‘Malachi! What is wrong? Have the Elders changed their minds about the herbs?’

  He gave a snort of rage. ‘If only! No, I’ve been reassigned.’

  I stared at him. ‘What do you mean? I do not understand.’

  He slumped down on a chair, elbows on the table and his head in his hands. ‘It’s Elder Stephen’s latest bright idea. We need another plumber, according to him.’

  ‘He is taking you away from the gardens? Oh, Malachi, that is dreadful.’ I wanted to reach out to take his hands, but Sister Judith had her beady eyes on us.

  He straightened up and looked at me. ‘I can’t do it, Rebecca. I can’t live that sort of life. I need living things — I need to work with plants. I need to be outside with the earth under my feet, not stuck down a drain or up on a roof.’

>   All my attention was on the man I was to marry. ‘What are you saying? Malachi, what do you mean?’

  He didn’t seem to take in my questions. ‘Brother Demas is going to talk to him. It won’t make any difference, though. He says he’s prayed about it and this is what the Lord has guided him to do.’

  ‘Malachi — please! You can still lead a good life. We can have a garden.’

  He shrugged his shoulders, turned and left me staring after him.

  All the rest of the long afternoon I prayed for Elder Stephen to listen to Brother Demas and change his mind.

  Twenty-three

  The Rule

  The path to salvation is long and full of perils. Your Leader will guide your steps. It is a sin to turn away from his divinely inspired guidance.

  BROTHER DEMAS DID ASK the Elders to reconsider. ‘I need Malachi,’ he told them. ‘He is the one with the knowledge. He is the one with the love for growing things.’

  But the Elders deferred to Elder Stephen, and he would not change his mind. ‘This is what the Lord has guided me to do. This is the will of the Lord.’

  It was the worst week of my life. Sister Jerushah died on Tuesday night. Her funeral was on Thursday, but we had to care for the little ones during the service and didn’t get the chance to farewell her.

  Malachi walked out of my life on Sunday.

  He came to the nursery early. Sister Judith growled at him. He ignored her. I walked outside with him and we stood together in the sunshine.

  ‘I can’t stay in the Fellowship. I’m sorry, Rebecca. So very sorry.’

  All week I’d been thinking of what to say if it came to this. ‘Malachi, think of your immortal soul. Please, do not turn away from the path to salvation.’

  The same as the week before, my words didn’t touch him. This can’t be happening, it just can’t.

  ‘We are to be married, Malachi. You gave your word. Your solemn word.’