I am Rebecca

by Fleur Beale

  ‘What is it? What’s happened?’ She pulled me into the house.

  I collapsed in a huddle on her kitchen floor. ‘The Lord has told Elder Stephen to take me as his wife.’

  Twenty-seven

  The Rule

  Do not risk eternal damnation by disobeying the commands of the Leader, for it is he who speaks the will of the Lord.

  RACHEL SAT ON THE FLOOR, holding me while I cried. The meal she’d been preparing stayed neglected on the bench.

  Saul came home. I heard her telling him what had happened. Minutes later, he handed me a cup of tea and a handkerchief. I didn’t want the tea but he coaxed me to drink it. ‘There’s sugar in it,’ he said. ‘For shock.’

  We heard a car pull up outside. Abraham called out, ‘Praise the Lord,’ and walked in. He knelt on the floor beside me. ‘Father’s outside in the car. He wants you to come home.’

  The three of them talked quietly above my head. The words arrived in my brain in a meaningless jumble. Saul and Abraham pulled me to my feet. They held my arms over their shoulders and half-carried me out to the car. Father opened the door and Rachel told me later he had tears in his eyes.

  At home, I couldn’t eat. Mother put me into Magdalene’s bed. She gave me a hot-water bottle, but nothing could stop the shivering. Some time later, Magdalene came in to put Zillah to bed. Both of them were quiet. Later still, Magdalene came to bed, but instead of climbing up to my bunk she slid in beside me. ‘Please don’t cry, Rebecca. Please don’t cry.’

  When I woke in the morning, both my little sisters were squashed in the bed with me. Their love made me weep again.

  I stayed home that day. Sister Thomasina would miss me and she’d wonder where I was, but I didn’t have the strength to help care for her children. Rachel came. Mother cooked the food she always made when any of us were ill. I couldn’t eat the chicken soup, or the egg custard. Rachel put fingers of dry toast in front of me. ‘Eat this. It’ll help. You need to stay well, Rebecca. Please try.’

  To please her, I managed to get some of it down.

  She stayed with me all day. We didn’t try to talk. I couldn’t. My mind was numb. I was living in a nowhere land where nothing made sense.

  Saul came to collect my sister late in the afternoon. ‘Come to my house tomorrow,’ Rachel said. ‘I’ll come and get you. We’ll walk together.’

  Dinner was a silent meal that night. When it was finished, Father said, ‘Rebecca, it is my duty to tell you Elder Stephen will announce the marriage on Sunday.’

  Two days away. Nothing was real any more. What did it matter when he announced it?

  Mother whispered, ‘The marriage? Has he set a date for that?’

  ‘It is to be on the first Sunday of November.’

  Abraham, his voice tight with anger, said, ‘But that’s not a Meet day. That’s against the Rule.’

  Father just said, ‘It is what the Lord has guided him to do.’

  I stood up and walked to the bedroom. In three weeks and two days I would become the wife of a seventy-six-year-old man who terrified me with his questions and whose presence overwhelmed me.

  In the long hours of the night, I made many plans, discarding most of them by the morning. One thing, though, was clear in my mind: I needed information, I needed knowledge.

  RACHEL CAME FOR ME in the morning. We walked to her house. ‘You have not slept,’ she said.

  ‘Not much. I did a lot of thinking. Rachel, please — I need to know what happens between a man and his wife in the marriage bed. Please, will you tell me?’

  I’d known the request would upset her. I was right.

  She got to her feet, walked a circuit of her lounge. Stopped at the window. ‘I cannot do that, Rebecca. It is against the Rule. I am so sorry. Please do not ask me to break it.’

  I bowed my head, fully understanding at last that her loyalty now was to her husband. There was a silence between us until I asked, ‘Just tell me — would you like to share the marriage bed with him? With Elder Stephen?’

  Her horrified face was all the answer I needed.

  ‘I will pray for you,’ she said. ‘We both will.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I had no faith now in prayers, just as I no longer had faith that Elder Stephen spoke the will of the Lord.

  She made us tea. I couldn’t eat the biscuit she put on my plate. I asked another question I knew would distress her, although it wouldn’t have once, before she married. ‘Do you believe Elder Stephen speaks the will of the Lord? Do you believe it in your heart?’

  She answered the way Father had done. ‘That is our faith. We must believe, we must accept it is so. I do not want eternal damnation for either of us, Rebecca.’

  The visit broke my heart. She was truly gone from me. Before, we’d have had a proper conversation. She’d have used her brain to think things out. Now I was alone.

  I left earlier than usual to walk home. I was angry. Was I the only one of the Children of the Faith who thought this marriage was Elder Stephen’s desire, the only one who believed it had nothing to do with the will of the Lord?

  Look at the facts, I wanted to shout at my sister, at everyone. First, he reassigns Malachi. And why? Because he knew Malachi wouldn’t stay. Then Sister Jerushah dies. He waits a month or two, then says the Lord tells him to marry me.

  ‘I don’t believe it!’ I shouted the words at the traffic, and nobody heard.

  Twenty-eight

  The Rule

  The Lord speaks through the Leader. It is a sin to question the word of the Leader.

  THAT NIGHT I LAY in my own bed, wrestling for many hours with fearful plans. If I ran away, it would shame and deeply grieve my parents — they would lose a third child. Magdalene would be haunted all over again, wondering if I had died. Zillah wouldn’t understand. I would lose Rachel. I would never see her child.

  I got up before dawn, the words from a psalm going around in my brain to mock me. Joy cometh in the morning. I could see no joy in any morning for the rest of my life, no matter what path I chose. It was either hell on Earth as the wife of our leader, or hell in eternity when I died. Unless that wasn’t true either.

  Such a thought should have given me the will to run, to escape before it was too late. I rubbed my gritty eyes. My brain was so tired — I couldn’t think what might be true and what were plain lies.

  Work would help. I prepared breakfast for the family.

  During the following days, Father treated me with kindness. Mother did her best to be cheerful. Abraham went about with a stormy face, snarling at everyone except me. Luke returned home each day with a flower for me. Magdalene stayed close by whenever she could. Rachel came every day and I knew she loved me as deeply as she always had done. It increased my sadness to know she no longer allowed herself to question the rightness of the Rule.

  I loved them all so much, but I caught myself longing for Esther. She would have talked to me.

  I had to attend the service of worship on Sunday instead of working in the nursery. Elder Stephen told Father he expected me to be there.

  I sat through it without taking in a word. I couldn’t run away, but neither could I marry the man in the pulpit. He was an imposing figure, a man of dignity — of authority. If only I knew why he wanted me for his wife it would help me decide what to do.

  Mother held one of my hands and Abraham clutched the other. My family, my very dear family.

  The time for the announcement arrived. Elder Stephen came down from the pulpit to walk to the centre of the stage. Behind him were the eleven other Elders, a solid line of black-clad men who would enforce his every command.

  The man I was to marry looked out at his people. ‘My beloved children, it is with joy I tell you the Lord has commanded me to take another wife.’ He waited for the murmurs of surprise to quieten. Who, who, who? Heads were swivelling as people looked for clues. He began speaking again. There was no need to demand silence. I could feel the people leaning forward, feel the question they were all asking.


  ‘He has directed me to take for my wife Rebecca Pilgrim, the daughter of our Brother Caleb and Sister Naomi.’

  There were gasps of surprise. Did anyone disapprove? Did anyone other than my sisters and brothers think it wrong? There was no way of knowing.

  And this was no ordinary betrothal — there was no asking Father to say a word of consent or refusal. The Lord had spoken. That was enough.

  I tried to imagine what Mrs Lipscombe and Nurse Katherine would say if they knew.

  I had to stay in the temple for the whole day. At lunch, people came to give me their good wishes. I saw the joy in their faces, and knew they truly believed the Lord had spoken to their leader. My friends came with smiles but their whispered words showed their true feelings. They were horrified, just as Rachel was.

  I wished I could believe this marriage was the will of the Lord. I wished to be free of my own terrible questions.

  At the close of worship, Elder Stephen made me sit with the other betrothed couples for the half hour they were permitted to talk to each other.

  ‘Sister Rebecca, you do not look happy about this marriage.’ His voice was gentle — caring. I couldn’t believe in that either.

  Lord, help me say the right thing. ‘The honour you do me overwhelms me, Elder Stephen.’ I raised my head to look at his face. ‘I think too of our blessed Sister Jerushah. How can I hope to be a worthy successor to her?’

  He regarded me for a long while. I bowed my head to escape his gaze. At last, he said, ‘Have you taken your worries to the Lord in prayer, Sister Rebecca?’

  If he knew what I prayed for, he’d cast me out. For a mad moment I was tempted to tell him. I thought of my family, their shame if I did such a thing. I managed to look at him again as I said, ‘Yes, I pray most earnestly. I have faith the Lord will hear my prayers.’

  ‘Bow your head. I will pray for you now.’

  For the rest of the thirty minutes he prayed aloud, silencing the quiet conversations of the other betrothed couples. He begged the Lord to guide me to be a good and godly wife. He beseeched the Lord to pardon me for my doubts, for my lack of faith in His infinite bounty.

  He left me with a bruised and bleeding soul.

  I couldn’t marry him.

  I WENT TO RACHEL’S HOUSE again the next day.

  ‘Was he kind when you talked yesterday?’ she asked.

  I shook my head. ‘He asked more questions, then he prayed for me.’

  She broke down, sobbing. ‘I’m sorry, Rebecca. I’m so very sorry. It’s torturing me and I know I’m letting you down.’

  I breathed out, cheered despite her anguish. She was still my true sister. ‘It’s okay. I understand. You must feel torn between helping me and being a good wife. Please be what you have to be, my sister. Think of your baby, and of Saul.’

  She couldn’t stop crying.

  ‘Please, Rachel. This isn’t good for the baby. What does Saul think?’ I hoped the question would help her be calm again.

  She scrubbed her face with her apron. ‘Sorry. My emotions are all over the place. It’s the baby, I guess.’

  ‘Saul?’ I repeated.

  ‘He’s upset because I am.’ She shivered. ‘He’s still upset about Malachi too. They were good friends and he hates knowing he’s going to end up in eternal damnation.’

  ‘Does he think Malachi should have stayed? That he should have changed his work?’

  ‘Yes. If it was the price the Lord asked of him, he should have been willing to pay it.’ She reached for my hand, her wedding ring glinting in the light. ‘I am sorry to remind you of it.’

  I stood up to put my arms around her. ‘Hush. Don’t distress yourself. I’m glad to talk about it.’

  She leaned against me. ‘I believe in the Rule. It keeps us safe. I just didn’t understand what it would mean, now I’ve got a husband and there’s a child coming.’

  I rocked her gently. ‘You will be a good and godly mother, Rachel. I wouldn’t want you to be anything else. I promise you.’

  She raised her hand to clasp mine. ‘Thank you.’

  I walked home with thankfulness in my heart. Rachel’s courage to speak about her feelings was a gift of love. I could accept now that she must change and grow away from me.

  I would have to make my own decision — to run, or stay?

  AT HOME, MOTHER took my half-finished wedding dress out of storage. I’d done much of the work on it when I was betrothed to Malachi, but now I found I couldn’t bear to touch it. Mother finished it, helped by Magdalene.

  There was no sign of the starburst petticoat. Instead, Mother took my sisters into town and came home with plain white fabric.

  Twenty-nine

  The Rule

  Do not grieve the Lord by speaking untruths.

  THE DAYS DISAPPEARED at a frightening speed. I dreaded each Sunday. I had to attend the service of worship, and afterwards endure the half hour of being talked at by Elder Stephen as he sat facing me.

  The wedding was only two weeks away when he questioned me about Rachel. ‘Sister Rebecca, you are very close to your sister Rachel.’

  ‘Yes, I am.’

  ‘Has she explained to you the secrets of the marriage bed?’

  I thanked the Lord she’d refused to tell me. ‘No, Elder Stephen, she has not. She is a godly person. She does not break the Rule.’

  As always, my answer seemed not to be enough. ‘Did you ask her to explain? Did you seek to disobey the Rule, Sister Rebecca?’

  The weight of his presence was suffocating. How could I answer? How could I avoid another twenty-five minutes of the embarrassment of being prayed over? I tried my best. ‘Elder Stephen, it is a matter of great puzzlement to me. When I was younger, I asked my mother and she helped me understand such knowledge was inappropriate until I married. I do not now seek to break the Rule.’

  Again he let silence grow between us. I kept my head bowed.

  ‘Sister Rebecca, I look forward to the day I am able to fully guide your thoughts. The Rule cannot be truly understood by one as young as you are.’ He waited for my response.

  ‘Praise the Lord.’ It was all I could think to say.

  THAT NIGHT I SAT FOR HOURS on the edge of my bunk with my legs dangling. I should do what Miriam, Daniel and Esther had done — I should leave. It would be easy enough to creep out in the night and find somebody to help me. Kezia had done it and she’d had a baby to carry. I could do it, and risk ending up in eternal damnation — if there truly was such a place. What was definitely true was the pain that running away would cause my family.

  I struggled to be like Esther and use my brain. It was impossible; my head was cloudy from tiredness. I hadn’t slept much since Father had told me I was to marry Elder Stephen. I hadn’t been able to eat much either. All I could think of was the horror of being married to a man who seemed determined to squash the soul out of me.

  By the time the Monday for buying the wedding ring came around, I was no clearer about what to do.

  Elder Stephen arrived in his car to take Mother and me into town. His daughter Persis was with him. I’d have given much to know her true thoughts about this marriage, but she gave no hint of disquiet, greeting us both with a friendly smile.

  There was a carpark right outside the jewellers. I knew the shop was the one the community always bought the wedding rings from. The woman who came up to us as we entered welcomed Elder Stephen by name. ‘I was saddened to hear of the death of your wife, Mr Righteous. Please accept my sympathies.’

  I sidled closer to Mother. What on earth would the woman think when she found out he was marrying again?

  He simply bowed his head to acknowledge her words, leaving her scrambling around searching for a gracious way to move on. In the end, she asked, ‘How may I be of service to you today?’

  ‘A wedding band for Rebecca.’ He gestured at me.

  ‘Your granddaughter? How lovely!’

  I cringed. Surely he wouldn’t tell her the truth.

&nb
sp; He said, ‘My future wife.’

  Silence enveloped the shop before she collected herself. ‘I see. Come over here, Rebecca. We need the size of your finger.’

  Her hands shook as she went through the process of working out the size of ring I would need. For the first time, I saw Elder Stephen and myself through the eyes of a worldly person. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.

  The woman hardly spoke after her big mistake. Nor did anyone else. Elder Stephen took the ring, paid for it and we left the shop.

  ‘I will now take you to see my house,’ he told us. ‘It has been prepared for your arrival, Sister Rebecca. You and your family do not need to trouble yourselves with any further preparation.’

  ‘Thank you, Elder Stephen.’ I prayed the preparations had included paint, new curtains and a new stove.

  As soon as we walked into the house, it was clear nothing had changed. No effort or money had been spent to make this dreary house into a home.

  Mother examined the kitchen. ‘Elder Stephen, with respect — the stove is very old. The broken switches will make it difficult to use.’

  He said, ‘Sister Jerushah did not complain. My wife will soon learn how to use it.’

  His daughter sighed. ‘Father, it is old. Get a new one as a gift for your bride.’

  For an answer, he led us through the rest of the house. Eight — or possibly eighteen — children had been raised in the place. It showed.

  When Mother and I walked into our own kitchen at home, she broke down. ‘Rebecca, I cannot understand him! Why does he want you to suffer? Why does he want your life to be hard?’

  ‘He believes suffering cleanses the soul.’

  ‘Dish him up raw potatoes often enough and he will soon change his mind.’ She scrubbed the tears away.