Perfect Pairings

by J. A. Armstrong

  “Thanks for telling me. I won’t say anything…”

  “It’s not a secret,” Jillian said. “It’s not something I enjoy revisiting. But when I think about it; if my life hadn’t happened that way, maybe I wouldn’t be here now. Someday, CJ will look back and have that same thought. Hopefully, she’ll see it the way I do now.”

  “How is that?”

  “I wouldn’t change where I am for anything. If going back and altering that time in my life would keep me from meeting your father, of being your mother, of being CJ’s grandmother—well, I wouldn’t change it. A big part of the reason I see it that way is how much my mother loved me. It was her patience, her gentle prodding, her constant little reminders that she would do everything she could to be there for me whenever I needed her. Those reminders didn’t stop when I was ten or twenty or forty.” Jillian laughed. “Thank God, because I think I needed as many at forty as I did at ten.”

  “I hope CJ feels that way.”

  “She will.” Jillian took a deep breath and got up from the chair. “Now, go get what you came for and take her home, so you can take care of the rest of your family.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “You can thank me by not beating yourself up. Beat up your father for rearranging my cabinets—again. Better yet, give him a job and get him out of my kitchen.”

  “Maybe it’s contagious.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Dad and Carrie.”

  Jillian shook your head. “I know you and Carrie like to watch those crazy movies, but I’m confident your father is not pregnant.”

  Devon laughed. “No. Carrie rearranged the cabinets.”

  Jillian rolled her eyes. “Well, it is her kitchen.”

  “It’s my kitchen too!”

  “No, it isn’t. Your kitchen is at your restaurant. I’ll give you one more piece of advice.”

  “I’m sure you will,” Devon muttered.

  “Don’t mess with your wife’s kitchen. Some things are sacred, Devon. She doesn’t go into yours and put things in new places. Don’t do it in hers. Trust me. Keep your cheffing and your kitchening at work.”

  “Cheffing and kitchening?” Devon rolled her eyes. “What are you now, some strange marital dictionary slash self-help book?”

  “Maybe I am. It only helps if you listen.”

  “Okay.” Devon started to make her way to the next room.

  “I mean it, Devon.”

  “I know. I’ll go easy on my cheffing at home.”

  “I meant all of it.”

  Devon nodded. “I know.”

  Jillian sighed lightly when Devon walked out of the room. “You don’t know, not yet.” She smiled. “But you will.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  “You’re early,” Carrie observed casually.

  “I hope that’s okay,” Tom said.

  “Of course, it’s okay—as long as you don’t mind waiting to eat. The chef is out on a mission to pick up your daughter.”

  “How are you feeling?” Tom asked.

  “Fat, tired, and generally disagreeable.”

  Tom nodded and hung his head slightly.

  “I’m kidding,” Carrie told him. “I am fat, and I am tired. I’m not all that disagreeable. Unless my wife and your daughter come home with pizza—again.”

  Tom sat down in a chair in Carrie’s living room. “Why do you do that?”

  “What did I do?” Carrie wondered.

  “When you talk to me about CJ, you always call her my daughter.”

  “She is your daughter.”

  “You know what I’m talking about.”

  Carrie sighed. She did know. She loved CJ as if CJ were hers. She accepted that CJ viewed her as “Mom.” That didn’t change the fact that Carrie felt strange making that statement to Tom. Tom was CJ’s father. He’d shared a life with Dar. Carrie never wanted to mitigate that, much less trample it. “We’ve been through this before. I don’t want to overstep.”

  Tom scratched his brow. “I’m glad they’re not here.”

  Carrie was puzzled.

  “I was going to talk to you and Devon after dinner. On the way here, I realized maybe it’d be better if we talked first—you and me.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “I’ve been offered a position overseeing a team of litigators across the country.”

  “Go on.”

  “It’s based in Boston.”

  Carrie’s heart lurched in her chest, and swiftly began to beat like thunder. Her stomach churned violently, and her hands began to tingle. Oh, God, he’s taking her to Boston. Calm down, Carrie.

  “Carrie? Are you okay?”

  “When?” Carrie spoke without thinking, without realizing she’d asked the question. Her mind raced, and her emotions spun. Her worst fear was unfolding now. She would lose CJ in her daily life. This was the reason she’d been hesitant to allow CJ to call her “mom.” It was the reason she’d been reluctant to accept that role. Everything was growing fuzzier by the second.

  “Carrie?” Tom moved to sit by his friend. “Oh, God, you think I’m taking CJ.”

  Carrie looked at Tom with glassy eyes. Confusion, pain, and fear were painted in her irises.

  “No.” He took her hand.

  “You’re not taking the job?”

  Tom sighed. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Tommy, just tell me—please.”

  “I want her to stay here with you.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “I talked to my mother.” Tom paused. “I saw Dr. Sokolski before I came here.”

  Carrie took several slow breaths. Eva Sokolski was the family therapist they had been seeing with CJ. Nothing Tom was saying was registering clearly. It reminded her of the two State Police Officers standing in front of her desk telling her that Dar was dead. She heard what was being said. It sounded like gibberish. She shook her head.

  “I want to know if you will let CJ live here full-time.”

  Carrie’s gaze narrowed further. “You’re not taking the job?”

  “I’d like to accept the position. I won’t unless you agree.”

  “Agree?”

  “That CJ stays with you and Devon.”

  “Tom, I…”

  “I know it’s a lot to ask.”

  Carrie closed her eyes again to gather her thoughts. A lot to ask? Having CJ wasn’t a chore—not for Carrie. Tom was CJ’s father. He needed to be present in CJ’s life. “It’s not that.” She took a breath. “She’s lost so much, Tommy. She needs you.”

  “She’ll have me, Carrie. I’ll come home on the weekends. How many people do we know who saw their dads on the weekends?”

  “We’re not other people.”

  “No, we’re not.”

  “Why?” Carrie asked.

  Tom sighed. “It’s what we both need. I think it’s what we all need,” he said. “CJ needs me. I know that. She needs less upheaval now. Maybe someday, maybe when she’s older she’ll want to spend half of the week with me. Maybe she won’t, Carrie. I know she loves me. Let’s be honest. I’m not the best at maintaining a regular schedule. I might not be Dar, but there’ve been too many times when I’ve had to change her schedule because of my job. Maybe I should take a completely different job—work nine to five somewhere.” He shook his head ruefully. “I should. If I had—if I had put my foot down at work from the beginning… Well, maybe we wouldn’t be having this conversation. She’s not happy when she has to leave here. Hell, Carrie, how many times have you had to come get her and take her to school because I have an early meeting?”

  Everything Tom said was true. Carrie couldn’t deny that it was. In the back of her mind, Carrie continued to worry that one day CJ would blame her for any perceived estrangement from her father. Tom loved CJ. He called every day no matter where he was. And, CJ was always excited to talk to her father. She loved to call him and tell him about her day. She liked to see him on the computer and wave to him. CJ l
oved it when he would FaceTime her from a new city and explain what the buildings were in the background or take her for a walk with him virtually. When it came to physically accompanying her father, she continued to balk. Carrie wasn’t convinced that greater distance between the pair was the answer. She wasn’t sure how she felt—angry, relieved, or sad.

  “You don’t agree,” Tom surmised.

  “I worry,” Carrie admitted. “I worry for you both.”

  “I know that. Even Dr. Sokolski thinks that CJ having one permanent home might serve her best. I’m not disappearing, Carrie. I would never do that. I’m a call away. I’m a drive away. I don’t know.” He looked at the ceiling and let out a long sigh. “Dar thought that in some way CJ was meant for you. I think that’s true.”

  “Tom…”

  “But I also think that you were meant for CJ,” he continued. “I’m not going to lie to you. Part of me feels sick about moving away—not just guilty—sick.”

  “And the other part?”

  “Tells me it’s best for all of us. CJ smiles and laughs when I call her. She’s excited to talk to me. When she has to sleep at my house? Carrie, unless that’s after an adventurous day together, unless she knows she’s coming back here the next day, she’s sullen and she’s counting the ‘sleeps’ until she can go home. Visiting me is like staying over at Dakota’s or Jillian’s for her. It’s not home. I can’t force it to be that for her. But if this is too much…”

  “CJ could never be too much,” Carrie said. “Not for me or Devon. This isn’t about me. What happens when you decide this was a bad idea?”

  “I won’t.”

  Carrie contemplated the conversation. “How much of this is about the baby?”

  “What?”

  “I’m asking you,” Carrie said. “Is any of this because you regret being our donor?”

  “No,” Tom said firmly.

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “You know, when Dar told me she was pregnant, we both had this idea of how it would all work out—parenthood, I mean. One of us would be home when the other traveled. CJ would always be with one of us.” He laughed. “We both know how that worked out. CJ… I don’t know, Carrie. Some of us are meant to be parents. Some of us…”

  “You’re a good father, Tom.”

  “Am I? I love CJ, Carrie. I’m a good companion. I’m probably a great uncle. I’m not sure I’m the best parent.”

  “None of us are sure of that.”

  “Probably not.”

  “Why now?” Carrie asked.

  “Because it feels right,” he replied. “I’m hoping—I think it will happen—I’ve asked my mother to move back here. I’ve given her a couple of options for my father. A condo, I think. She doesn’t want to put him in a full-time facility. I don’t know. I hope she’ll change her mind. He’s slipping more each day. It’s time, Carrie. His health is up and down. Making a trip from Boston to here is much easier than flying to Florida every couple of weeks. I could sell the house. She doesn’t love that idea either. It was hers; you know?”

  “I think I can understand.”

  “It’s so big. I don’t know how she could manage it by herself now, even with me home on most weekends. But it would give CJ consistency. And, my mother loves you all.”

  “You’ve made up your mind.”

  “I know what I think is best,” he corrected her. “What you think and feel are equally important—you and Devon.”

  Carrie nodded. “I told you when you asked me to accept co-guardianship of CJ that I would be here for the long haul. Devon told you the same thing. CJ isn’t an imposition in our lives. She never has been, and she never will be,” she said bluntly. “If you are telling me that you want her to stay here full-time, that’s fine with me. I’m certain it will be with Dev.”

  Tom nodded.

  “But not without a formal agreement,” Carrie said.

  He nodded again.

  “I love you, Tommy. You’re my best friend. I loved Dar. But I won’t make agreements about CJ’s future, or mine and Dev’s for that matter, not without some security in it for all of us. If this is what you truly believe is best for you and for your daughter; I’ll support you.”

  “You don’t agree.”

  “I’m not sure it matters whether I agree or disagree.”

  “It matters to me.”

  Carrie took a deep breath. “Maybe. You’ve already made your decision. You’ve discussed it with our family therapist. You’ve obviously shared it with your mother.”

  “Carrie, I…”

  Carrie held up her hand. “I would have expected you to share it with me first. I realize we have a unique arrangement. We’re raising a child together, and we’ve never been anything but friends. I’m not your ex-wife. I’m not CJ’s mother.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “In my heart? Yes; I am. Maybe in CJ’s heart too. That’s not what was intended when she came into this world, Tom. It’s where life led us.”

  “By life, you mean the choices Dar and I made.”

  “That’s a big part of it.”

  “You’re angry.”

  “No,” Carrie said. “I’m not. That doesn’t accomplish anything for me or for CJ. I’m surprised.”

  “Disappointed, you mean.”

  Carrie shrugged.

  “I’m not doing this only for me.”

  Carrie nodded. You’re not doing this only for CJ either.

  “I thought you’d be happy.”

  “This isn’t about me, Tommy. Where my children are concerned, it’s never about me. There’s nothing, and I do mean nothing, that I’ve wanted more in my life than to be someone’s mother—nothing at all. That’s the truth. In that way, I guess it is about me. I hate it when CJ isn’t here. I hate the quiet. I miss her footsteps and her laughter. Devon does too. I understand that she misses us when she’s with you. She misses you when she’s with us. That’s part of the reality of her life. It isn’t about what I want. It’s about what she needs. That’s all it’s ever been about.”

  “Which is why this is where she wants to be—why it’s where she needs to be.”

  “Even if that’s true; I’m not sure I understand why that compels you to move to another state.”

  “Honestly, Carrie, I don’t think it will alter the time I spend with her that much.”

  “It will.”

  “Do you want me to refuse the offer?”

  Carrie looked upward and shook her head. Truthfully? No. It’s not about me. “I told you what I need. CJ can’t be a yo-yo, Tommy. As much as I love you, and as much as I think I understand what’s going on here,” Carrie paused. Which is more than you are telling me. “I have to set some boundaries. If you want CJ here all week, every week, you can’t ask any of us to change that again—not any time soon. With this baby, things will change again—for all of us.”

  “I know. What about Devon?”

  Carrie offered the first hint of a smile. She’d caught Devon in CJ’s room more times than she’d ever let on when CJ was at Tom’s. Devon loved CJ. One of CJ’s favorite pastimes was following Devon around the house, mimicking her. It amused Carrie endlessly. Devon couldn’t love CJ more if she’d given birth to the little girl. There was a degree of truth in what Tom said. He’d taken to traveling with greater frequency. CJ rarely split her weeks the way they had agreed. Longer periods with Carrie and Devon had made the times when CJ was expected to spend three or four days at a time with her father more upsetting for her. She had a routine; something that their therapist, CJ’s pediatrician, and Carrie all believed CJ needed desperately. Consistency was the key to helping CJ move through her lingering grief and insecurity. Perhaps it would be best for CJ if her overnight visits with Tom happened less often. It might make CJ more excited for the outings—if they were planned and something Carrie and Devon could promote as exciting rather than as an expectation. There was another side to the coin, however. At least, there was from Carrie’s point of view.
Tom was CJ’s father and CJ needed to believe that this was neither a reward nor a punishment. She needed to understand and accept that this was a decision made as a family, not something that was happening because Tom had set different priorities.

  “Devon would love to have CJ here.”

  “But?”

  “CJ needs to believe that we’ve made this decision as a family—all of us together.”

  “I agree.”

  Carrie sighed. She was about to be more honest and direct with her friend than she ever had. “I love CJ,” she said. “As much as I love this baby—as much as I have or will ever love anyone in my life. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.”

  “I know that.”

  “Do you? Do you, really?” Carrie challenged. “She’s not mine, Tom. I love her as though she were. I love that she calls me, ‘Mom.’ I love seeing her every morning and tucking her in at night. Nothing matters to me more than that CJ is happy and healthy and knows that we love her—all of us. It’s never been about me.”

  “Which is why she wants to be with you. I told you that a long time ago. It’s not easy for me, Carrie—none of this. I feel like a failure. Like I failed Dar. Like I’m failing CJ. Maybe some of this is for me.” He shook his head. “Mostly, it’s about CJ. It’s even about you. Don’t say anything, please. Dar loved you. I always knew that, I think.”

  “Dar loved you too.”

  “She did. You were the one, Carrie. For Dar, you were the love of her life, even if she could never tell you that. Who sat with her through most of her pregnancy? Who stayed overnight in the hospital with her after CJ was born? It wasn’t me. It was you. You were the first person she told she was pregnant. You were the person she called first when she went into labor.”

  Carrie’s heart ached from the truth. It was all true, every word that Tom said. This was the place they had never dared travel in their conversations.

  “Devon is the love of your life. I think Dar knew that the moment you mentioned Devon to her. Sickness aside; I think that made up her mind. We all have that love, Carrie. Mine was Darlene. Sometimes, looking at you and CJ…”