“Please take my apology. I told you about my mother. I am sorry because I did this. I should have told her that you and your friend are not a couple. But I didn’t because I thought that maybe thinking you were gay would make her see that gay people aren’t bad. You and your friend are successful and trying to help people. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to use you to change her.”
I finally blinked away from Maricela’s mother. “I accept your apology. But your mother’s outburst was unacceptable.”
Maricela nodded miserably, and I finally let go of some of my anger. She was not going to agree with me in front of her mother.
Without another look at either woman, I stormed toward my building with an internal monologue of the things I would say to Mrs. Gonzales if I spoke better Spanish. The woman should be grateful for the hours and hours scientists, myself included, had invested in the drug that might save her sight. Yet she couldn’t see past the fact that I loved women. If I’d been interested in her daughter, I could maybe understand her emotional reaction, but I wasn’t. I wanted Remi.
A shiver of anticipation washed over my hot anger. Remi promised that we would talk soon, and that promise allowed me to set aside my hurt and return to work clear-headed.
Chapter Twelve
I thought I had put the incident with Maricela’s mother behind me, but by Thursday, my mood was seriously dragging. I had managed to distract myself on Tuesday by imagining what two articles of clothing I could ask for in our game. Could I skip the shirt and ask for her bra? All anticipation fell flat when Remi canceled. I teased that Wednesday earned me three articles of clothing, but her Not free Weds reply extinguished my flirtation. That at least saved me from a day of distraction. I responded with Let me know when you’re free and was still waiting to hear from her.
I wasn’t used to that. I was the one who messed up plans, whose work got in the way of dating. If indeed it was her work and not something personal. My own work had offered no refuge, and I was past ready for the week to be over.
I rested my spoon next to my bowl of soup, aware that my mother would not be pleased with how little of the caldo de res I had eaten. As much as I loved my mother’s beef soup, I simply had no appetite tonight.
Snapping fingers brought my attention back to the table. “Ah! There you are,” my mother chided. “Clear the table, mi hija.”
She gave me the task not as punishment but to get me into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry,” I said before my mother could question me. “I got hammered today.”
“I can see that.”
“I said I was sorry.”
My mother hmphed as she sorted the dishes, waiting for me to talk.
“You know that college student that I’ve been working with, Maricela?”
“Yes.”
“Sometimes I see her waiting for her mother, and usually I stop and check in with her about how her class is going. Make sure she’s still going and everything.” I stepped to the sink and filled it with soapy water for the handwashing. “Earlier this week, her mother was there, and I shared with her how impressed I am by her daughter.”
“That was nice of you. What did she say?”
“Not ‘thank you.’”
“Maybe she didn’t understand you?”
“I told her in Spanish.”
“Your Spanish isn’t very good. Maybe you didn’t say what you meant to?”
“My Spanish is good enough to understand that she thinks I’m a bad influence.”
“Haven’t you helped her with her grades?”
“That doesn’t matter if you’re a dyke.”
“Is that what she said to you?”
“It’s pretty hard to misunderstand that word.”
“Does Maricela know you’re gay?”
“Yes.”
“Does it bother her?”
“No.”
“Then why does her mother’s opinion matter to you?” She crossed her arms across her chest. I scrubbed the cutting board and the knives. It didn’t make sense to be upset about what Maricela’s mother thought of me. So why did it matter? I rinsed the dishes and handed them to my mother to dry.
“I think she should be more appreciative. Maricela’s education is important to her, and I’m the one who got her back on track. I thought that would count for something. Instead, she hates me.” I held out one soapy hand and then the other. “Effort, return. That’s what it is. The effort I put in doesn’t match the return.”
I was surprised to feel my eyes burning and quickly turned away from my mother to load plates into the dishwasher. I hoped she wouldn’t see me swipe my wrist over my eye. Her hands closed around my arms, and she turned me toward her where I was forced to look at her and see how worried she was.
“Your research, is it not going well?”
“No, my research is fine.” I cleared my throat and tried to turn.
She held me firmly. “Then what is this? This isn’t your student’s mother being impolite.”
“Remi canceled on me again.” I tried to hide from my mother’s scrutiny by turning back to the sink.
She let me go with her hands but not her words. “The one you took horseback riding last weekend.”
“Yes.”
“Rosa’s judge.”
“Same Remi, yes.”
“So you like this Remi. Why is she canceling dates with you? What did you do wrong?”
“I didn’t do anything wrong! Why do you think it’s me?”
My mother pursed her lips. “You don’t make time for people.”
“She’s the one who canceled on me.” I was making time for Remi, and it stung to push myself to wrap up work when I said I would and to go home just to get a text from Remi saying how sorry she was to have to cancel. “She didn’t even say why.” Even I could hear the petulance in my voice.
“It must be important, no? And if it is important, does the reason matter? She is probably as disappointed as you are.”
“You’re right,” I said.
“Don’t sound so surprised. I don’t understand everything you say, but I am no idiot. I listen. I learn.”
My mother’s words surprised me. Did my mother feel that I lorded my education over her? “I know you listen, Ma.”
“I am proud of you. It is such a good thing, you helping this young woman. You are a very good role model, and it is very sad her mother was rude to you.”
My eyes stung at my mother’s kind words. I felt bad for Maricela and then remembered something Remi had said at the beach. You don’t get to choose your family. I paused midway to the dishwasher holding a dripping glass. How had I gotten so lucky? The question reminded me of all the luck-themed conversations I’d had with Valerie where I had always insisted that my brother was the lucky one. I turned to my mother and wrapped my arms around her soft frame. My mother’s hug supported me in a way that made me aware of how exhausted I was.
“You are so tired,” my mother said, petting my hair. “Are you not sleeping any better?”
“Some nights.”
“But not the last few. Not with all this worry.”
“No.”
“Take Rosa home with you. You could use the sleep, and she could use some time with her favorite tìa.”
I thanked my mother for the pep talk and went to pitch the sleepover idea to Rosa.
“That was fast,” I said when Rosa returned with a small bag slung over her shoulder.
“All I needed was my toothbrush. Everything else I have packed just in case.” She turned to kiss her mother goodnight. Antonia shrugged her Don’t ask me, I’ve never gotten this kid shrug.
The setting sun backlit the trees lining the street, making them glow. My conversation with my mother continued to tumble around in my thoughts. I had never questioned the stability in my life. Even when they didn’t understand me, my parents, and in their own way, my siblings, always supported me. I had also been supported by scholarships. The only drag I could identify was the b
rief time I’d dated Ann who had made me feel guilty for the time I dedicated to my work.
Remi understood my hours far better than Ann ever had, being a committed professional herself. Maybe things were crazy at her work, and I needed to take her cancellations less personally.
“What happens when your project is finished, Tìa?” Rosa asked out of the blue.
“I’ll continue with other projects that have been on hold.”
“When your boss retires, will you have her job?”
I laughed. “No. I’m a relatively new research scientist. There are others who have more experience writing grants. You have to be good at getting money to be the one running the lab.”
“You’re not good at that?”
“I don’t have a lot of experience with it, and it’s not something I’m interested in.”
“You like working in the lab better?”
“I do,” I said, thinking about how my research had once been all-consuming, but Rosa’s question made me realize I had not been anticipating my next project. I had only been thinking about getting this drug into a clinical trial.
“Because you want to help people stay healthy,” Rosa said.
“Exactly.”
“Me too. Abuela says you need more sleep to stay healthy.”
“Abuela is right about that. Thanks for helping me out.” I swung my arm around Rosa as we crossed the wide street.
“You still have to do your stretches.”
“Sure thing, kiddo. I’m not going to mess with a protocol that works!”
From her perch on the couch, Petri twitched her tail and allowed Rosa to pet her. I dropped my keys on the counter and took my phone from my pocket. Leaving my phone in another room was part of my winding-down ritual. Out of habit, I checked for messages and found nothing new. It would look bad to text her again when I’d said to let me know when she was free, wouldn’t it? I set my phone on the counter. Picked it up again. What was the right thing to say?
That I wished I had been able to see her tonight?
Too needy.
Rosa threw me a smile. “We’d better get ready for bed,” she said. I could hear Antonia’s argument that Rosa made a better parent than she did.
Man, had I been looking forward to sharing my bed with Remi. “I have one message I want to send.” I frowned at the thought of texting Remi how very much I would like to have her in my bed, hearing a tone somewhere between guilt and blame.
Rosa held my gaze. “Just one.”
“Yes, Mom.”
Rosa laughed and took her things to the bedroom.
My thumbs hovered over the screen. I hope everything is okay. That was the right sentiment, wasn’t it? I hit send and silenced the phone, placing it facedown on the counter.
Rosa and I got ready for bed. Rosa crawled under the covers to read while I did my stretches. Be Well. Tonight, Remi was on my mind. I genuinely hoped she was well.
My phone buzzed on the kitchen counter.
Deep breath. Be content. I’d been disappointed when Remi canceled, but that was a small thing. In the larger scheme of things, I’d found her, and we had had a really good time together. That was something to be content about.
Be at peace . I tried to settle into my third meditation phrase, but I couldn’t help wondering what Remi said. There would be no peace until I knew. I hopped up.
“You’re finished?” Rosa asked dubiously.
“Be right back.” How was it that a kid could make me feel so guilty?
I tiptoed to my phone and checked the message. I owe you an explanation.
The phone buzzed in my hands as another text came in. If you’re not fed up with me.
Not at all. I typed before thinking.
Liar. At least I hope you are lying.
Disappointed, sure. Not fed up. I typed.
I’d like to see you tomorrow.
I’d like that. Can’t say when I’ll wrap up.
Maybe dinner if it’s not too late?
I sent a thumbs-up and a sleep emoji.
“Tìa!”
“Promise I’m almost done.”
Remi returned the sleep emoji.
I returned the phone to the counter and jogged back to my room to settle back into my stretch, feet on the wall, arms out to my side. I buzzed through the first three phrases to get my breath evened out. Be well. Be content. Be at peace… I tried to keep my mind from whirling on what had happened with Remi this week that she would want to talk about but not text.
Be calm. I let the words flood through my body. Calm. Nothing to be done about it tonight.
Chapter Thirteen
On Friday, I finished my lab notes and shelved them, finally ready to head home. I’d been waiting all day for Remi to cancel but when I texted to say I’d be home by six, she replied to ask what she could bring. We were still on! I had given myself an hour of wiggle room to make sure I beat Remi there, and I had needed it.
Nervous about her seeing my condo for the first time, I spent a few minutes tidying. I surveyed the place objectively and scrunched my nose. Everything in my house looked so practical. There was art on the wall that my mother had pulled out of their garage to brighten up my bare walls after Ann had moved out. I’d put a few family pictures in frames, but my bookshelves were dominated by textbooks.
It was clearly a space I spent time in, but nothing in my house matched. The coordinated furniture had left with Ann, and I was happy to accept what my family no longer needed or what I could find at thrift stores. I wondered what impression it would make on someone who drove a Ferrari.
A knock at the door announced that it was a moot point. It was too late to change who I was. Remi stood on my doorstep, but not the Remi who had rendered me breathless at the science fair, nor the flirtatious one I had been getting to know on our dates. This Remi was off somehow. Not in her presentation. Her flowing black pants and a red wraparound blouse hugging her beautiful curves were stylish as usual. But her mouth was tight and her impeccable makeup did not quite hide the dark circles under her eyes. She had the look I’d had last night when my mother sent Rosa home with me.
Something was obviously worrying her. I almost didn’t want to let her in, didn’t want to know what had diverted her attention and made her so solemn.
“Come in,” I said. We hugged, only our shoulders touching, and she stood in my living room, her eyes on the layout instead of me.
“How long have you been here?”
“Three years. I moved in when I started at The Miracle Center.”
Remi’s gaze settled on the family pictures on the bookshelf. She crossed the room and picked up a frame that held a picture of me holding Rosa in a baptism gown. She raised her eyebrows.
“I’m her godmother,” I said.
“How seriously do you take your duties?”
I laughed. “You have to ask? You saw what I did to help with her science project. I’d do anything for that kid. Including swallowing embarrassment.”
“I don’t remember her embarrassing you.”
I, on the other hand, easily recalled all the things my niece had said about me needing someone to sleep with and how suggestive her wording was when she talked about my lab. Just remembering brought color to my cheeks.
“There’s no shame in sleeping better with a companion.”
“No, but there is embarrassment when you feel like your goddaughter is pimping you to the cute judge.”
Now Remi laughed. “I did not take it that way. How are you sleeping these days?”
I could let us keep exploring the tangent or steer us back to why Remi was here. I chose the latter. “Better than you seem to be.”
Remi replaced the picture and gestured to the couch. “May I?”
“Of course. Do you want something to drink? Water? Something stronger?”
“No, thank you.” She smiled, but only to acknowledge my attempt at humor, not because my words lightened her mood. “You said before that you and your siblings are clos
e.”
I sat on the couch careful to give Remi room. “Most of the time. As much as possible with four years between each of us.”
“You’re the baby.”
I grimaced, hearing the way Luis teased me. “You’re not the big sister who feels like her life was ruined by the kids who came along and stole all your parents’ attention, are you?”
“No. Quite the opposite. Neil and I have always been very close. Perhaps growing up in other countries made us allies. I was six when he was born, old enough to appreciate having a companion.”
I chuckled. “It takes a while until a younger sibling can be any fun, though. At least my brother told me plenty of times how boring a baby is.”
“I enjoyed mothering him, and perhaps those preverbal years made it easier to navigate his lack of communication skills as he got older. I did not have my parents’ expectations.”
Something Remi had said at the beach flashed through my mind. When I had shared that Valerie thought I had some competition, Remi had said that could describe her brother. “He is why you canceled?”
Remi studied her hands. “Neil does best on a schedule, and Monday we were supposed to have dinner and watch his movie. I stopped by on my way here and thought I had smoothed it over to move our routine to Tuesday. On my way over here, the caregiver called me…” She interrupted herself. “He is not entirely self-sufficient. Even though he is twenty-four, he lives in a house with four roommates and on-site staff.”
I nodded to show that I was still with her, that I understood.
“I should have known how this would impact his life. I work with this population all the time and tell parents how important it is to not disrupt routine. After my mother took a job overseas, I moved here to keep his routine intact. He needs the consistency of a family member visiting him. And here I am…” Remi looked up, revealing raw pain. I scooted up beside her on the couch and put my arm around her.
“And you said before that you’re all he has.”
She sighed deeply. “I am having difficulty explaining this new part of my life to him. Until I met you, I spent most of my free time with him. Now I would like to reallocate that time, but it is difficult. He doesn’t have a whole lot of language.”
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